How to *not* repeat mistakes of the past...?!

[brokenboy]

Briefly...

 

I'm nearing 40, never married. Could've been. Possibly should've been. But each time, I seem to find (or manufacture) something "wrong" with the woman I'm with and blow the whole thing up. I've repeated this for 20 years or more - note: 20 years ago it wasn't contemplating marriage, but blowing up the relationship over ridiculous reasons? you bet!

 

I've been with a wonderful woman for several years, and still find myself at the precipice unable to go for it. It's make or break time for us, yet I fear my paralysis will take hold and I'll blow up the relationship as always. but the rub for me this time is that now, at 40, I see a lonely existence in my future. Not more great women to fill the void. I've been very fortunate in my life that so many good women have chosen to love me. And I regret not being able to give them back all that I could. I want to be with someone (like I already am!), I want to have a child, I don't want to blow this up but am simply unsure how *not* to repeat the pattern!!!

 

We're beginning therapy this week. Seperate (for me) and couples together. I'm deperately seeking someone who can tell me there is hope. That Peter Pans are able to be helped... that we can settle down... that we can allow ourselves to be happy in a loving relationship that lasts.

 

Just need a little pep talk perhaps... any takers!?

[Geishawhelk]

Well, if you're already in co-and solo counselling, I think it's great that you realise you have something you need to work on, and are dealing with it.

You're self-sabotaging.

You're scuppering your own potential and possibility to be contented.

Why would you do that to yourself?

Do you think there might be a factor which is telling you that you don't deserve to be happy?

or that maybe it's useless anyway, because it will never work?

 

One of my favourite sayings, is:

"If you cannot find Peace of Mind, Joy, and Serenity where you are right now - then where else do you expect to find it?"

 

The answer to some of our deepest problems, can lie closer than we think.

Good Luck.

Let us know how you progress, if you want.

[brokenboy]

Thanks. I will keep you posted. Mostly b/c if we're successful, I want others to know there are lots of ways to find happiness.

 

And b/c if it's not successful... I'll be lurking on the 'broken heart' boards for a long time.

[2sure]

Brokenboy -

 

How do you with other decisions? Are you concise? Are you happy with the choices you have made regarding education, job, home?

 

Do you make decisions?

 

Even when we dont act on things....a matter is decided.

Sometimes a person seen as having a committment problem, just has an issue with making decisions...it isn't a "loyalty" problem, or a "grass might be greener" thing so much as their fear of making the choice THEMSELVES.

[brokenboy]

Brokenboy -

 

How do you with other decisions? Are you concise? Are you happy with the choices you have made regarding education, job, home?

 

Do you make decisions?

 

Even when we dont act on things....a matter is decided.

Sometimes a person seen as having a committment problem, just has an issue with making decisions...it isn't a "loyalty" problem, or a "grass might be greener" thing so much as their fear of making the choice THEMSELVES.

 

good point. I am horrible with decisions, particularly life-changing ones. And yes, it's something I know, but haven't ever corrected or managed well. It's actually gotten worse as I've gotten older if I'm honest...

 

And I think this, for me, absolutely is partly about the fear of making this choice. And yes, if I don't, the decision may be made for me - that's why the last g/f left!! So... I'm trying to be proactive and get help together, now. But I'll certainly bring this up.

 

Thanks.