The Relationship Puzzle

[Dragonflys]

Some of you will know me from last weekend when I debuted here in distress because I thought my relationship was over. Thankfully it didn't end and both of know where we stand somewhat more now. I would like to share with you what my concerns are about how to go about improving the relationship from here and ask an inportant question.

 

My partner is seemingly confident and outspoken, but is also very shy and closed when people want to know anything about her personal life. She talks alot about generic things whenever she is uncomfortable,and being extremely intelligent can hold conversations very well, until it gets personal. On the personal level, she can be very critical of other people and is picky about people's behaviours she considers unusual, and also critical of herself.

 

Basically I am the person she has become closest to since arriving in this city 5 months ago. I am a very accepting and non judgemental person and she feels more comfortable around me than anyone else here. Our relationship is unusual in that although it began with several romantic episodes, it has tempered somewhat to being just kissing and holding hands. She is not a very intimate person but on occasion can be. We have had a few close to the heart discussions, basically she said to me that I am a good man for her but she needs to sort out in her mind whether there are real feelings there. As Tony pointed out, this could suggest that the sparks are not there and that all the feelings are based on simply feelings as close freinds.

 

She also described her previous relationship of four years where she never fell in love with the person, but he knew all along that things were rocky. The idea of 'settling' scares her quite a bit.

 

Despite all the negatives on the surface though, I still want to give it a shot. One thing I am doing is behaving more independantly and being upfront, listening to what she has to say and making sure we have as much fun as possible and try and understand each other as human beings. Tony made a great point in one of his last posts 'that a woman is not a prize but a human being'..a superb sentence that sums up how important it is to understand that we are all different and must give plenty of leeway to each other.

 

The important question that comes out of this is, can love grow between two people simply by being together and good for each other?..clearly in our case the relationship was sparked by infatuation, now that has subsided the clarity of mind showsno real love there yet but a what I think is a base of closeness that may devlop further. This would clearly require alot of patience on my part, and I think my partner would need to want to change a little for me, particulary with regards to learning to accept people and caring for them (including myself). But she is making an effort and I think deep down wants to change aspects of herself if she can. One thing I have learned recently is that she is not a player and would not malicously hurt anyone. Its just the way she is.

 

Do you think this is all worth a shot?, in addition to what I am doing, is there any other approach that may help to slowly develop this relationship further?.

 

Oliver

[Tony T]

Only you can determine if waiting for her feelings to come around, if they ever will, is worth a shot.

 

There are good possibilities that eventually she could have loving feelings for you. She could even have them right now but for one reason or other be denying them.

 

The best way to handle this is NOT to be so available. If you are around all the time and she knows your every move, the mystery ingredient of romantic love will not be there. Be unpredictable. Don't be with her every Saturday nite. Do things with other people. Don't be an open book. If you offer up everything you have to say and everything you are to her, she has no motivation to enter into a romance.

 

The flip side is that while she is sorting things out in her mind, as you say, another person for whom she feels immediate chemistry could enter the picture and blow you off the map. That is the risk you take.

 

She has already given you a serious hint in that she was in a four year relationship where she felt no love for the guy. She clearly does not want to do that again and has told you she doesn't want to settle. There is a good possiblity she doesn't know what love really is. Believe it or not, there are people out there who for various reasons do not have the capacity to feel romantic love.

 

If I were you, I would play it cool and see other people. You are under no obligation to her. If she does have some feelings for you, once learning that you are moving on with your life and she could possibly lose you, she will come around pretty quickly.

 

I personally have calculated that I have wasted about 9.4 years waiting around for various ladies that eventually went their own way. You can do this all your life. There is no good reason to do this when there are wonderful women out there who would want a relationship with you and to whom you would be mightily attracted.

 

Everybody is different, of course, but I think we all know when we meet someone with whom there can be something special. Maybe I am simply too romantic. But I will tell you one thing, knowing what I know now, there is just no way I would ever stick around while a woman figures out what her feelings are. Literally translated, when they tell you that it means: "I sure as hell hope there is someone else out there better for me than you."

 

You have to be strong here. The decision to hang around is yours. And the decision to buy lottery tickets is mine. And the odds of winning in both situations are similar.

[Dragonflys]

Tony,

 

You advice is very good and the way you weigh out the pros and cons of it all make sense. I have decided to give it a go at least for a while, but all the while keeping my emotions in check.

 

I don't want to date anyone else in the meantime, and I have told her that. I believe that she is not the type to see anyone behind my back, and if she was to break it off because she met someone better, well thats the risk I take.

 

One part of your advice I have taken is to be less available and take days off seeing her. In the early part I was much too available and nearly blew it, but things seem alot better in the last week now that I have altered that.

 

I hope with being a ggod person and initiating exciting things with her, and being a little unpredictable and spontaneous that deeper feeling will grow. I sense for the time being she is willing to see if it is possible.

 

If it doesn't happen we did the best we could.

 

Oliver

[Nicky]

Tony, You advice is very good and the way you weigh out the pros and cons of it all make sense. I have decided to give it a go at least for a while, but all the while keeping my emotions in check.

 

I don't want to date anyone else in the meantime, and I have told her that. I believe that she is not the type to see anyone behind my back, and if she was to break it off because she met someone better, well thats the risk I take. One part of your advice I have taken is to be less available and take days off seeing her. In the early part I was much too available and nearly blew it, but things seem alot better in the last week now that I have altered that. I hope with being a ggod person and initiating exciting things with her, and being a little unpredictable and spontaneous that deeper feeling will grow. I sense for the time being she is willing to see if it is possible. If it doesn't happen we did the best we could.

 

Oliver

I think Tony's made many valid points. It sounds as if your GF has a few issues to sort out herself, and maybe is concerned that she hasn't felt very strongly for anybody.

 

She may find that very difficult, or simply not have met Mr Right. I would think that knowing you for 5 months, she must deep down have a good idea of how she feels for you.

 

Who knows, maybe she feels that things can develop, or maybe she's too uncomfortable at the thought of being alone in a city where she doesn't know many people . I do not think though, that just by hanging out with somebody who is good for you, will make you fall in love with them. It just doesn't work like that. It assumes logic in a world of emotions.

 

I'm sure you could give it a bit of time to see how things develop. But at the end of the day, I think you sound like a great bloke, and I'm sure there's a warm, loving, spontaneous woman out there, better suited to you if this doesn't work out.

 

Good luck