Sooo .

[MissMae]

Okay, so here's my dilemma, if anyone has any advice it would be so incredibly appreciated!

 

I'm 21, in school, and have been in a committed LDR for a little over a year now. The boyfriend is a great guy, intelligent, attractive, honest, funny, and completely head over heels for me. We do have some problems, mostly in communication, but I feel like it's stuff that we could work out if he were more open to the idea.

 

But every time I tell him that I'm not happy with certain stuff, he just tells me he can't/won't do anything because it's not "his problem." But that's not so much what I'm worried about, because I'm not even sure that I'd want to go through everything it would take to actually work this stuff out.

 

My bigger problem-I'm worried I'm going to cheat on him. It's something I've done in the past (not to him, to other boyfriends,) and I've worked really hard on changing that.

 

I'm a very sexual person, and the conclusion I came to in the past was that if I found myself in danger of cheating, I'd end the relationship instead, since my heart obviously wasn't completely in it.

 

Another important factor in this whole thing-I've been in long term relationships one into the next since I was fourteen.

 

Fourteen.

 

I've never had the chance to date casually, or have a guilt-free hook up just because I felt like it.

But I'm a flirt.

I'm very impulsive and spontaneous, and generally just enjoy going out and being with people.

 

The boyfriend is thirty, and while he doesn't mind me going out, he has basically no interest in that stuff anymore. He wants to marry me someday, but honestly, I don't think there is any way I would want to get married having never had the experience of being single and actually feeling free and independent.

 

Like I said, I have a pretty high sex drive, and that plus the fact that I only see him a day or two a week (if that) results in me finding myself fantasizing about other guys basically constantly.

 

When we first started dating, the boyfriend told me that he didn't get jealous, the idea of his girl with someone else actually kind of turned him on, and if I ever felt like I was really attracted to someone else, he'd rather have me sleep with them than to lose me.

 

I'm definitely not looking for anything emotional, just sex, so when this started, I thought that might be a good solution, and brought it up with him. Except now he tells me that we would have to be married or something for him to be okay with it.

Um, yeah.

 

I haven't done anything yet, because I really do care about him and don't want to hurt him or betray his trust.

But he's three hours away, and when I go out with friends, there are guys there, and usually some that hit on me. And I have a few attractive male friends who have made it pretty clear that they would love to be more than platonic (I've never told any of them I felt the same) and it just gets really hard not to think about what I might be missing.

 

I'm not very inhibited, and it gets so frustrating feeling like I'm constantly holding myself back.

I find myself lying about stuff I don't even need to, like not mentioning that I'm hanging out with male friends, even though I know he wouldn't really give me crap about it, just because I feel guilty about what's going on in my own head.

And now and then he'll mention how crazy he was in his twenties and how everyone needs to sow their wild oats or whatever, and it just pisses me off because that's what I want so bad.

 

He can talk about growing old together all he wants, he's already gotten to go off and slut it up. When do I get my chance to be young and wild?

 

But then, is it worth giving up someone I really do love, who is supportive of me, and who I do have a very strong connection with?

 

I really don't even think about actually being with someone else, the thought of another guy telling me he loved me or trying to be romantic is completely unappealing to me. But I feel like the more this goes on, the more frustrated I get, and the more I'm starting to distance myself from him.

 

help....

[Geishawhelk]

Your relationship with your BF is going to become platonic, at this rate.

I'm sorry, but I do see what you mean about being young and doing the things he did, and feeling you can't.

 

Actually, you can.

And you know how.

But you're going to have to be honest about it, and do the right thing.

Do the honourable thing.

You are way too young to be considering settling down with someone 9 years older than you, whilst you still have the urge to be a free spirit.

 

In my opinion, you are considering working on exactly the right lines. breaking up rather than cheating.

Absolutely, completely the right way to do things.

Can't fault it.

 

But there's still no guarantee there will be no pain.

 

But you do need to be honest with him.

And sooner, rather than later.

 

....Except now he tells me that we would have to be married or something for him to be okay with it.

Um, yeah.

 

 

"Um, yeah." is right.

Don't even go there.

[soconfused01]

I don't know if that feeling of missing out is every going to go away. I'd talk to him about it and ask if he'd consider either taking a break from your relationship while you do your thing and leave the possibilty of dating again in the future open, or see if he'd be ok with an open relationship.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He can talk about growing old together all he wants, he's already gotten to go off and slut it up. When do I get my chance to be young and wild?

But then, is it worth giving up someone I really do love, who is supportive of me, and who I do have a very strong connection with?

 

I don't mean to be flip... but he isn't the only great guy out there. If you feel the need, just break up with him and do your thing. Much better than dragging this out. Who knows, maybe when your tired of the dating scene he will still be interested.

 

Bottom line though... I get the sense that while you have a great positive attitude, you may have some big underlying issues. How would you rate your self esteem?

[MissMae]

Thank you guys so much for your responses!

 

I'm not sure how to quote things yet, but in response to Untouchable_Fire, I'm not really sure about my self-esteem, I guess it would depend on how you define that. I feel like I'm a pretty confidant person, have no problem speaking up for myself or others when I feel like I need to. If he were disrespectful to me, I wouldn't hesitate to give him a piece of my mind. But at the same time, I'm the type where I also sacrifice more than I probably should for people that I care about. When things are going bad in a relationship, I have a really hard time ending things because I don't want to hurt the other person. I'll admit, I do have a bit of a fear of being alone, but that's been becoming less of a problem as I get more comfortable in my own skin. Once someone's opened up to me though, I feel really guilty at the thought of leaving, like I'm abandoning them, even when I logically know that it's what would be best for me. Does that make sense?

[Spectre]

So does the fact you've never had the chance to have a guilt free hook up bother you?

[Charles1978]

I've had a long distance relationship before, and it wasn't fun. I loved her to death, but the distance became too much for me. What would bother me, besides the distance, would be him telling you that he would be ok with you acting on your urges. That's just weird.

[awesomeness43]

I've had a long distance relationship before, and it wasn't fun. I loved her to death, but the distance became too much for me. What would bother me, besides the distance, would be him telling you that he would be ok with you acting on your urges. That's just weird.

 

 

+1 ... whats WEIRDER is the fact that he gets "turned on" by the thought of it... ? I am currently in a long distance relationship. It seriously gets a bad rap but if both parties are committed and willing to make it happen and a set date to move in together or same zip code, all is well.

 

Also, doesnt hurt to see each other a 3-4 days every other week and usually a little weekend getaway at the end of each month. =D

[MissMae]

I think that it's just because he's gotten so hurt emotionally by it in the past that he's basically come to terms with it. I also think that he's not really okay with it, just more likes to think that he is if that makes sense.

 

 

As for the whole having a move-in date thing, that's another issue. There is none. I'm graduating soon, and I've told him that I really cannot move back home (there's no jobs there, and I'm generally just miserable in that area.) He could get transferred closer to me, but for various reasons chooses not to. If I knew that I only had to do this for another 6 mos, another year, I'd probably be much more okay with it, but right now it feels like I'm just gonna be waiting for him indefinitely, in which case I feel like I'm putting my life on hold for something that might never even happen.