take the ex off the pedestal

[Crazy.S]

I think we all need to realize that our ex are no longer the same person we once loved. Yes, they still look the same for most cases, but they have changed. The biggest difference is the fact that the are the one who broke our hearts. To me, this takes away all of their innocence. Those memories we had are precious, because they are, but it does not reflect who they are now. We used to overlook their shortcomings, but now that we were forced to take a step back and take a look at them, we cannot overlook those characteristics. So be happy that we are no longer with them. Feel free to disagree with me, but this is what I have realized during NC.

[SoStupid]

I think that once you realize this.. It is the greatest feeling in the world.. The power of Freedom!!

 

[EmperorR]

yup, when my ex first cheated and dumped me, I still envisioned her as the same persoN i loved, as the most beautiful person in the world, the most sweetest person in the world to good for me etc. Once I started NC now day 71 it's no longer like that. I see her for the piece of vermin scum she really is, and eh I see tons of girls that look better than her every day.

[9Lives]

Yeah, I think this is the best thing you can do is REALIZE, he is not the man/woman you fell in love with. They are different. That is important to embrace.

 

If not...you not living. It is what it is.

[MichiganMan222]

What an appropriate thread for me today. Yesterday, while digging for a disposable razor in my desk drawer, I came across two greeting cards my ex sent me back when we were 'forever'. One was a Valentine card, and one was 'just because'. I read her sweet genuine words expressing her undying love in her sweet girly handwriting. "I can't get enough of you. I love you so much." And I thought to myself, it's too bad the woman that wrote these words to me has disappeared from the face of the planet. I'm massively in love with the woman that wrote those and am grieving her loss from life. But I would eat glass before I ever considered giving my heart, soul and body to the dark soul that replaced her.

[Crazy.S]

I agree MM, those cards are the saddest things ever. I have a huge stack that I am still unable to trash. I keep everything that reminds me of her in a box. Even though I am over her, I still miss her. Those memories were the happiest times in my life. Without those memories, I think I would be soulless. I admit she was wonderful and without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. It is just sad things had to be this way. But I will no longer sulk over the past. I am too weak to continue hurting like I did for 9 months. The point is she will never be the same person, I once knew.

[Sysyphus28]

I burned all those cards. They are not important anymore. The time when we were in love with eachother is over.

[MichiganMan222]

All the other cards went straight to the Big Bin to mbe given the proper burial in the local landfill. These two I just found were flukes and I didn't know they were there. They are now in my office trash waiting for tomorrow's janitorial service. I didn't do it for revenge or any symbolic reason; I did it so I don't ever accidentally run across them like yesterday. The only thing I saved of hers is the clothes she bought me. As for the digital pics, I compressed them and hid them away somewhere in my computer.

 

BTW, in the last month, she called once to accuse me of seeing a woman she always thought I had a thing for. Threatened to destroy the 'relationship' (which was completely false)....while on that call I explained to her that I had thrown these cards away. She was very shocked and offended by this. FYI: She dumped ME. Unreal.

[Surfer Dude]

I'm going to throw away the cards, nice expensive watch, sunglasses and other things she gave me on Monday. I barely have the strength to look at those things, so I hope that I will be able to do it as quick as possible.

 

I'm not going to be stupid and open those letters before burning them, it would be a major setback. Or maybe it would be best not to open the box and just throw it in a dumpster.

 

It's hard to believe that the sweet lady who loved me so much, who spent so much time writing those 5 page letters and cards is now gone. It's like she's been replaced by someone completely different. That sweet sweet girl who shared so many great moments with me is gone.

 

Rage and anger I feel from time to time is directed towards the new her, for changing so much and betraying everything we had in the past.

 

I'd give anything, do anything, do be able to turn back the time for just 5 minutes and experience one of the moments we shared. But just like MichiganMan, I'd never even consider being with the scum she has become. It's like a totally new person.

 

If I'm keeping anyone on that pedestal, it's the sweet girl I used to know in the past, certainly not this vermin piece of sh*t.

[Ingenue]

I think we all need to realize that our ex are no longer the same person we once loved. Yes, they still look the same for most cases, but they have changed

 

Or, after a period of NC, you realise your ex hasn't changed at all. When you're in love, you often approach the relationship with a set of rose-coloured glasses. Your ex can do no wrong and even if s/he did wrong, the actions constitute minor missteps in an otherwise good person. After a period of NC, you become more objective and reassess your relationship and the person your ex is. Sometimes, the person is the exact same and her/his selfishness is no longer endearing or his/her arrogance no longer strikes you as attractive.

 

Time and distance give the objectivity you need to topple them from the pedestal. That, for me, has been the most grounding realisation. My life is too short to have to deal with a partner who hasn't changed at all, who hasn't done any introspection, who hasn't offered sincere apologies, or realised how hurtful they've been. When we take them off the pedestal, we realise they're just as human as the rest of us. And if they are supposed to be human and have treated us like utter rubbish and are unapologetic and display no remorse, we don't continue to be their friends and rise above it and be their friends.

 

Once we take the blinders off and see the ex for what s/he really is, they begin to look less attractive.

[EmperorR]

Or, after a period of NC, you realise your ex hasn't changed at all. When you're in love, you often approach the relationship with a set of rose-coloured glasses. Your ex can do no wrong and even if s/he did wrong, the actions constitute minor missteps in an otherwise good person. After a period of NC, you become more objective and reassess your relationship and the person your ex is. Sometimes, the person is the exact same and her/his selfishness is no longer endearing or his/her arrogance no longer strikes you as attractive.

 

Time and distance give the objectivity you need to topple them from the pedestal. That, for me, has been the most grounding realisation. My life is too short to have to deal with a partner who hasn't changed at all, who hasn't done any introspection, who hasn't offered sincere apologies, or realised how hurtful they've been. When we take them off the pedestal, we realise they're just as human as the rest of us. And if they are supposed to be human and have treated us like utter rubbish and are unapologetic and display no remorse, we don't continue to be their friends and rise above it and be their friends.

 

Once we take the blinders off and see the ex for what s/he really is, they begin to look less attractive.

 

Cosign 100%, my ex was always cranky, greedy, a selfish person who always put herself first. Nothing has changed, she cheated (put herself first), dumped me and cared nohing about us or our feelings (greedy and selfish)

[9Lives]

If you think we have it bad. I just talk to one of my office buddies and he said his wife of 17 years is leaving him. She said he did not do anything, he was a great man, and took good care of him but she did not FEEL the same. She said he did do anything wrong and that he didnt deserve it but She wants a divorce. He is very hurt. He has been taking care of her for all these years...she dont work. Now she wants to walk out. Im done

[EmperorR]

If you think we have it bad. I just talk to one of my office buddies and he said his wife of 17 years is leaving him. She said he did not do anything, he was a great man, and took good care of him but she did not FEEL the same. She said he did do anything wrong and that he didnt deserve it but She wants a divorce. He is very hurt. He has been taking care of her for all these years...she dont work. Now she wants to walk out. Im done

 

 

 

that sucks, and now he's probably going to have to pay child support.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think I am moving into the acceptance stage. Today I removed him as a myspace friend and went private. I deleted him from my Messenger friends list. I cleared out the couple of old texts from him I still had in my phone. I am considering dumping and deleting his e-mail folder, but I kind of want to keep that around in case I need to be reminded of the mistakes, to refresh my memory and make sure I have learned from them. Maybe I will hang on to a few key messages and dump the rest.

 

I feel that I am finally reaching the point of seeing him as he truly was. I feel like I was had. But I hope I have learned something and won't make the same mistakes in the future.

[Ruby Slippers]

I take that back. I just went into the folder and decided to delete every single message. And I emptied the trash. The only thing left now is the picture folder. I should probably think about that for a couple of days. Getting rid of all this is quite a weight off.

[sunshinegirl]

You guys, I think I need some help with this. Seven months later and I still struggle to keep him off the pedestal. It's definitely getting better, but last night I found myself getting teary-eyed, thinking about the day we broke up, thinking about how hurtful he was, missing who he was before he cheated... and imagining that his cheating was just an "episode", a "hiccup" in a personality that was otherwise good. NOT helpful, and more than that, not true.

 

I don't know, for some reason I just have trouble getting to the point that many of you seem to have reached. It's a conscious effort to remind myself that no, really, I dodged a bullet. I keep thinking that he's now been with the office hooch for seven (presumably) happy months and he likely thinks about me, oh, NEVER. Meanwhile, my life over the last 7 months has been utterly consumed with getting over him... and he's still in my thoughts at some point every day. Boo. Help!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

You guys, I think I need some help with this. Seven months later and I still struggle to keep him off the pedestal. It's definitely getting better, but last night I found myself getting teary-eyed, thinking about the day we broke up, thinking about how hurtful he was, missing who he was before he cheated... and imagining that his cheating was just an "episode", a "hiccup" in a personality that was otherwise good. NOT helpful, and more than that, not true.

 

I don't know, for some reason I just have trouble getting to the point that many of you seem to have reached. It's a conscious effort to remind myself that no, really, I dodged a bullet. I keep thinking that he's now been with the office hooch for seven (presumably) happy months and he likely thinks about me, oh, NEVER. Meanwhile, my life over the last 7 months has been utterly consumed with getting over him... and he's still in my thoughts at some point every day. Boo. Help!

We're not all there yet either. Although it's been four months for me, the holiday season has hit me pretty hard. This time of year definitely doesn't help things.

 

These people are not something to be desired. I feel the same way about being the one suffering while they are out having a ball. It sure doesn't seem fair. I like to think that every once in a while, they feel a sliver of the pain that we do. How can they not miss what once was? There have to be some good feelings in there, but I guess it really doesn't matter.

 

I want to be better to sunshine. She's in my thoughts constantly it seems. Not right and not fair.

[Ruby Slippers]

Meanwhile, my life over the last 7 months has been utterly consumed with getting over him... and he's still in my thoughts at some point every day. Boo. Help!

Some are harder to let go of than others. You go at your own pace. It has taken me YEARS to get all the way over a couple of relationships. And I know I still have a ways to go with this one. I'm getting rid of the tangible reminders, but the feelings go deep and will take much longer to fade. I think most of us never get over it -- we just get through it.

[Ingenue]

You guys, I think I need some help with this. Seven months later and I still struggle to keep him off the pedestal. It's definitely getting better, but last night I found myself getting teary-eyed, thinking about the day we broke up, thinking about how hurtful he was, missing who he was before he cheated... and imagining that his cheating was just an "episode", a "hiccup" in a personality that was otherwise good. NOT helpful, and more than that, not true.

 

I don't know, for some reason I just have trouble getting to the point that many of you seem to have reached. It's a conscious effort to remind myself that no, really, I dodged a bullet. I keep thinking that he's now been with the office hooch for seven (presumably) happy months and he likely thinks about me, oh, NEVER. Meanwhile, my life over the last 7 months has been utterly consumed with getting over him... and he's still in my thoughts at some point every day. Boo. Help!

 

sunshinegirl, it's a long and arduous process to take the ex off the pedestal. It certainly does not occur overnight. But in my experience I've found that being mentally prepared to take the ex off the pedestal has helped immensely. For the most part, there is a symbolic trigger. For me, it was a conversation with the ex after 5 months. I realised that he has not changed. Nor has he done any serious introspection. For others, the trigger may be burning all the photos, or saying goodbye in a ceremony. It could be sending back all of the ex's personal belongings or rereading letters. There is no one standardized trigger. Regardless of what action will prompt us to begin to see the ex in less than glorified terms, the important part is the follow through. We must be mentally prepared to follow through with dismantling that pedestal. When we are truly ready to see our exes as the people they genuinely are, in all of their faults and in all of their inadequacies, then we can objectively assess who they are as fellow human beings. When we do that and see past the candy coating, we realise that we deserve better. That realisation may come in months or even a year, but it will come when we are ready for it to occur. Only you can decide when that time will be, when you will be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready to say goodbye in your heart and your mind. You don't have to forget the memories. You don't have to hate what your past relationship was. It was a time in your life and a learning experience. It is but one chapter in your life. It is now time to turn the page and write the next few chapters in your life, whatever they may be.

[You'reasian]

I still think of the great times that my ex and I had, but I would not want to go back to her. If I saw her, I would be reminded of our laughter, sweet moments and all the goods - not the bad - but since my feet are planted in the ground and I stick to my decisions, I would be able to walk those thoughts off.

 

I have many great memories with exes - but we are not physically nor mentally connected because they're exes.

[Crazy.S]

I take that back. I just went into the folder and decided to delete every single message. And I emptied the trash. The only thing left now is the picture folder. I should probably think about that for a couple of days. Getting rid of all this is quite a weight off.

 

Good job! Get rid of those emails

[Trialbyfire]

Word to the wise, never put someone on a pedestal and never allow anyone to put you on a pedestal. It's a long way to fall, 'cause no one's perfect.

[Crazy.S]

You guys, I think I need some help with this. Seven months later and I still struggle to keep him off the pedestal. It's definitely getting better, but last night I found myself getting teary-eyed, thinking about the day we broke up, thinking about how hurtful he was, missing who he was before he cheated... and imagining that his cheating was just an "episode", a "hiccup" in a personality that was otherwise good. NOT helpful, and more than that, not true.

 

... and he's still in my thoughts at some point every day. Boo. Help!

 

Don't worry about how many months have gone by. Just stay focus on putting yourself first. At some point you will be able to take him off that "pedastal". Ever since I became single, my eyes have opened. I see how precious my family and friends are to me. I even used to blow them off, for my ex. But in the end they are the ones who is there for you. Not the ex who dumped me over the phone. I used to think she was cute, but she is not so cute anymore. I too still think of my ex on a daily basis and some days are worst than others. But I maintain NC and hope for a better day. And now I am starting to see those better days. Each and everyday I feel better and more accustomed to being single. You need to respect yourself and do what is best for you. And the ex who cheated on you, does not deserve your time anymore.

[sedgwick]

The day my ex left me, I threw away everything he had ever given me (except for a camera) and took all his clothes to the Goodwill. Every letter, every CD, every gift (except the camera), all gone. I want no reminders of him. I haven't looked at his website or myspace. I trashed all his emails and photos that day. I haven't so much as seen an image of him since he left. I couldn't handle it. Haven't called, haven't emailed, nothing. He already has my undying, unconditional love -- he doesn't get anything else.

 

And Sunshinegirl, it's been 16 months for me now and I still miss him terribly and would take him back in a minute. Sigh.

[skinman]

If you think we have it bad. I just talk to one of my office buddies and he said his wife of 17 years is leaving him. She said he did not do anything, he was a great man, and took good care of him but she did not FEEL the same. She said he did do anything wrong and that he didnt deserve it but She wants a divorce. He is very hurt. He has been taking care of her for all these years...she dont work. Now she wants to walk out. Im done

 

Sounds like my wife... 16 years together and one day up and decides she no longer loves me, is in love with me and cant think of spending the rest of her life with me... never saw it coming...

tore me up... tore up my family all for the sake of wanting to find someone she had more in common with....

 

sad part is I havent gotten over her yet.. its been only 5 weeks... I hope it starts to get easier....