Needs adivce desperatly...

[danny407]

Hey guys I ran into this website and was looking for some advice. After seeing some of the mature and caring people here I deiced to tell my story in hopes of some relief.

 

It’s a little long but I will try and cut to the chase. My wife and I have been married 8 great years. We have two great kids.

 

When I first meet my wife she already had a 4 year old girl witch I call my daughter today together we have raised both of our kids.

 

Like most happy couples we got a home and finances got tough, mainly because she had a hard time keeping a job and too much debt.

 

We lost our home and decided to move in mom’s house as temporary basis until the summer. We don’t ever fight. We get along well.

 

So 3 days ago she tells me she does love me but she is not in love with me anymore. She walked out of the house and left me and kids there alone. She is keeping contact and visiting.

 

I have asked the general questions of course. She states their is no other man in her life. Just that she does not love me like she used to. I don’t know what to do she is coming over tonight to visit the kids and talk a little.

 

She is staying at a friend’s house now. I don’t know what started this but she started acting different about 3 weeks ago. Although she said she has felt like this for a while.

 

When I asked her if she was going to come back home she said she doesn’t know. When I ask her if she wants to try to make this work because I do, she says she doesn’t know.

 

 

She states that I am baggaring her and she needs more time. I have been pushing her to make a decision because I cannot live like this.

 

I don’t know if this is wise or not. But 3 weeks ago she started doing things like hanging out with her friends (supposedly) all the time. Spending nights away from home claiming she just wanted to be by her friends.

 

The kids are upset and I am trying to comfort them on this. They don’t really understand. Even though she thinks they do. I don’t know what I am going to say tonight. If I talk about us, living condition, or marriage she will just get angry and leave.

 

How long should I sit and wait for her to deiced while we all suffer and it’s almost Christmas too! He parents any very upset with her and refuse to let her stay with them. They are on my side even though I did not ask them too.

 

She is very unhappy her parents think she is wrong by doing this to us and wants her to go back home. Please any advice would be most welcomed! Thank you for your time.

[SRV]

Welcome here Danny under the prevailing circumstances, sorry for what you are going through. You will get tonnes of advise and also read through the forum, I can guarantee you that there is someone else. You just have to start digging deeper and the truth will unravel.

[whichwayisup]

She may not having an affair, but there could be someone new, someone who's captured her heart and she's curious. Or, it could be she's reverting backwards, doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent, and a wife so she's running away, trying to recapture her teen years. Either way, it's wrong and she needs to wise up and grow up otherwise she WILL lose you and the kids.

[Confused9]

It sounds to me like she is having an affair:sick:

[whichwayisup]

If I talk about us, living condition, or marriage she will just get angry and leave.

Who cares if she gets mad. If she is confused, messed up, having issues about getting older, or whatever, then she needs to get to counselling to fix herself. Running away from her responsibilities and her family is passive and NOT going to fix this.

 

Tell her she needs to sort this out and soon because it's affecting her children's lives in a negative way, as well as yours. IF she refuses, then she has to suffer consquences and that's losing the kids and you. Talk to a lawyer.

[danny407]

Thank you for the replies, I feel that too. Cheating is somthing I am not discounting. I suppose when one cheats they are not very good at telling the truth.

 

I just wonder if I should hang in there or be super defensive and make her chose or lose. She states she cannot tell me what she wants to do. But I think it's cold-hearted to leave my hanging by while she soul-searches!

[whichwayisup]

But I think it's cold-hearted to leave my hanging by while she soul-searches!

I agree. And there's a big difference in trying to work things out in her mind, getting help, doing counselling to figure out why she's feeling this way and what your wife is doing. How she is handling this is selfish and cruel.

 

As for the cheating, or flirting, whatever is going on - She isn't going to come clean about that, so it's up to you to find out. You can hire a PI as a last resort..

 

Think back abit, were there any signs of her changing along the way? Red flags that you can think of in the past 3-6 months?

[Touche]

Sorry you're going through this. As it stands now though you're enabling her bad behavior by taking on full responsibility for the kids (including the one that isn't even biologically yours.) Don't make it so easy for her to walk away from her responsibilities.

 

If she wants time to figure things out, fine..but not at the expense of her kids. Perhaps you should tell her that you will seek legal advice and have a separation agreement drawn up. That ought to wake her up some. You can do that and never actually go through with the divorce, you know.

 

But you really need to stop letting her call all the shots. YOU be in control.

[danny407]

Thank you so much for the advice I do felel better every post I read. Sorry about the poor grammar I am at work and cannot proofread lol. Last 2-3 months she has been getting what I call secret calls.

 

Text messages from people I don't know yet she deletes them before I can read them. Calls from what sounds like a guy and she will leave the room. I have snooped and yet no proof. I looked through the phone record and it appears normal.

 

I dunno I am lost. she is in control of everything money, and the final say-so. I mean I am waiting for her to tell what she wants. I don't like the control factor going on here. I think tonight going to make a stand.

[lovestruck818]

It could be an affair...or it could be nothing more than simply "falling out of love." It sucks, but it happens. That's why the divorce rate is so high in this country. I think more & more people these days are marrying for reasons other than true love. (Not saying that's what happened in your case, just saying from a general satndpoint).

[SRV]

Danny, in life, you can only control what you do and the situations that surround your actions. There is no way you can do that for anyone else, its called free will. You need to grab a hold/control of your situation, you need to dig deeper, you have already pointed out the "red flags", where there smoke there definitely is fire, pardon my cliche'. She is definitely having an affair.

 

Check the phone records, there will be a number that will stand out and being dialed a lot, try and tie that to the times that you said she was receiving the secret phone calls. Go through your bank, credit card statements and look for activity there that is unusual and you will be stunted at what you might be able to uncover.

[danny407]

Thank you SRV, I agree she has be be having an affair. Otherwise I am to assume that she doesn't want me to hear of here plans with whomever she is talking to about her furture moves.

 

I have been cheated on before and I would agree these are indeed red falgs. I don't think she will tell me unless she gets busted. I will look closer into the records. This will be very hard as she using her phone for work purposes too.

 

I am so nervous about tonight. I need to gain control of this but don't know how. Do I make harsh moves like I am speaking to a laywer? Or Make your mind up or else?

[mark982]

well i'd cut off all acess to money. why pay for her fun. did she leave you with step daughter? it's gonna be rough, but i'd see a lawyer immediately, and have proof that she left you and the kids. cover your azz. stay strong.

[Touche]

It's not harsh to say you're speaking to a lawyer. If she won't at least take her share of the responsibility for the kids, then a court will make her do it.

 

She might also respect you more and think twice about what she's doing if she sees that you're not going to take this nonsense lying down.

 

Stand up to her and take control. It's clear that she's not used to that from you so she will absolutely take notice.

 

If you do nothing, she'll continue to walk all over you. Stop being her personal doormat.

 

You can do this and not come off as being a bad guy or overly harsh. Be firm but fair. Be no-nonsense. You don't have to lay down ultimatums or yell or anything.

 

Just tell her that she's doing what she has to do and you will be doing the same.

[Angel1111]

I can totally understand your pain but I think you need to stop asking her to come back. The reason I say that is because it just causes her disrespect for you to escalate. She probably expects you to act that way anyway, but you should probably surprise her and act like you're willing to let her go if that's her choice. I know you don't feel that way, but it will serve you better to stop feeding her ego about this. The next thing you need to do is take back control of your money. It's totally unacceptable that one person in a marriage have complete control of the money - that is a sign that this marriage was imbalanced in some way. But if you can't fix it, I'm sure you can fix what happens to your paycheck. If it's direct deposited into an account that you don't have access to, then get that stopped immediately.

 

I think everyone agrees that there's little question that she's having an affair. But, aside from that, the most glaring thing to me is that she has walked away from her children. I can't even imagine a woman doing this and it's going to come back and bite her so hard she won't know what hit her. Even if she's seeing another guy, he has already lost respect for her knowing she will do this to her kids and I'm pretty certain the relationship will fall apart just based on that.

 

As for you, you might want to ask yourself if you really want to be with a person with such low standards - abandoning her children and walking away without any warning or trying to resolve the issues. From where I'm standing, I'd say you're much better off without a person like this in your life. I know you love her and I know you value your marriage, but at some point your eyes are going to open to what kind of person she is, what she's made of, and I'm pretty sure you're not going to think much of her after that.

 

Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't wait around for someone to make up their mind. I'd make it up for them and file for divorce immediately.

[Angel1111]

I am so nervous about tonight. I need to gain control of this but don't know how. Do I make harsh moves like I am speaking to a laywer? Or Make your mind up or else?

 

I wouldn't tell her anything. If she's coming to the house to see the kids tonight, then ask her parents to be there so that you can leave for a few hours. Let the lawyer serve her with papers - that'll get your message across loud and clear.

[danny407]

I already feel bitter about the matter. I cannot make someone love me afterall. The issue is she will take the kids I don't know what I can do about it.

 

I don't have the money for a laywer yet. She has the pocketbook, which will be rendered this week. The kids are with me at my mom's house that's where the go to school.

 

I really am worried that if she feels threatened she will try to take the kids and go. I really am stuck with how I speak with her. I need to be careful or else my kids may suffer greater than they are now.

 

I am thinking of telling her tonight I need the keys back to the house. I want to arrange civily a way for her to see the kids. Also to inform her that I am getting my own bank account and not to expect my check to be in our old one.

 

Furthermore, I don't know if I should discuss coming clean about a possible affair or where her feelings lie. I am starting to relieze they are not with me. My gerneral concern is wrapping up money affairs and what will be done about living conditions.

 

It's clear she does not what to come back, I know by taking the key I am reinforncing this even though it's not what I want. I feel I have no choice. You guys are great and thank you!

[SRV]

Danny, you need to play your cards close to your chest. Divulge no information, be calm when you get to see her.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP.

 

As far as finances are involved, open up a new bank acct and get the new number to your employer for your direct deposit. You can also discontinue your direct deposit from the account that she has access to.

Do not tell her about your discontinuing of the deposits into the shared account. IMHO, I do not believe she deserves this courteous from you.

 

You cannot force someone to love you, even if she came back are you willing to forgive and forget? Are you willing to play detective in the already broken marriage? Marriages do survive infidelity but it is a long and ardous road to travel. That decision is one that you will have to make.

 

Good luck!

[Angel1111]

I agree with SRV - you don't need to tell her anything. I think this may be some of the reason she is so disrespectful toward you. You seem to be too tolerant and divulge too much when someone is treating you badly. It's good to be nice, but that will not serve you when someone is trampling all over you. The only thing it does is convince them that you're weak and that they can continue to take advantage of you. This is not the message to send to her. Particularly in this case where she is treating you with complete and total disrespect, with no regard for how you or the kids feel. As I said before, don't be there when she goes to the house. Sorry, I misunderstood before - I thought you were at her parents' house. Maybe your parents can be there when she's there and you can disappear.

 

Be careful about switching your direct deposit into another account right away. Check with your employment because sometimes the check will deposit one more time into the old account. I think it works better if you cancel direct deposit first, then get the real check, and then change it to another account. Check into it before you do that. But do it quickly before it's triggered by the next pay period.

 

Even if you don't have money for an attorney, there are plenty of them that will give you a free consultation. They can answer a ton of questions for you very quickly. The thing is, you're most likely not going to be able to keep the child that isn't biologically yours. That's just a sad fact. But I can also tell you that for a mom to leave her children behind is a major blunder with the courts and she is risking losing custody of the child she had with you. If you continue to function on fear, she's got you. You need to get some questions answered by an attorney before you do anything. Just stop talking to her for now until you get your head together. You're taking in a lot right now.

[SierraRose]

I may be totally of here, but it's sounds to me like a case of immaturity. Obviously, there is financial strain, she can't keep a job, and so on. She walked out on her husband and her children without an explanation. She's hanging out with her friends,staying out all night..She sounds like she is 19 years old. She may have to just simply grow up, work on your mariage, get counceling. You can't run home to mamma everytime you aren't "happy"....

[danny407]

Thank you all for your help. She just left, not to happy either. I asked her to give me the house key. I also told her that she needs to visit the kids in a different setting because my kids were in tears when she left. Hanging on her and begging her not to go. I have had enough I told her visiting here was a bad idea. I told her to get a place and the kids can visit you there or take them out to dinner. When talking about the relationship which I did not engage, I told her things would have been different if she wanted to work on the problems. She clearly does not. This is going to hurt like hell.

[LakesideDream]

Wow, second one of these I've seen tonight (slow on the draw I guess), it's always sad around the holidays.

 

The advice you are getting is good. The advisors have had lots of practice replying to this tale.

 

Good luck, keep posting if it keeps helping.

[confused71]

Sorry to hear about your situation mate.Been going through the same thing.If you do find out she is having an affair the best advise I got was to start telling your and her friends and family one by one.This will put a lot of strain and embarresment on her and make her think twice about continuing the affair.Best of luck bruv.

[danny407]

Thank you for all the encouraging replies. This has been a tough thing to deal with. I am sad to hear all the other storys about hurting families. I told her we need to talk about the direction this is headed.

 

I agree I think living together after this won't be good. I need to be assured she won't do it again. Also, she really didn't mean she wanted to come back she was just saying it in anger.

 

I have asked her about marriage consoling I hope she takes my offer. I don't know if I want her back after this. But now I need space from her drama. I cannot eat or sleep I have probbly lost 5 pounds in 3 days and i'm skinny!!

 

Take care all, will post soon!

[Trialbyfire]

Danny, get yourself a lawyer and start talking to him/her about how "abandonment" works in a court of law, in reference to her kids. She left you with the kids. Use it.

 

Also, get your finances together. How in the world did she get full control? If it's a joint bank account, drain it dry for the interim. As another member mentioned, stop fueling the bank account by having the direct deposit paycheque go elsewhere. If you have joint credit cards, close them down.