Needs adivce desperatly...

[danny407]

My question is although she is being very cruel, shouldn't I be the better person? Try to work in a calm manner with her first about the kids, expenses and living arrangments?

 

The rushing off to a laywer seems a bit fast. Talks need to take place before I do this I would think. Thank you for your replies they help a lot.

[Trialbyfire]

Talking to a lawyer doesn't always equate to irrevocable action. What it does do is to give you a better understanding of your rights as a father and also how any actions you choose to take in the next little while, can impact on your ability to salvage something, anything, if reconciliation or mature actions, fall through.

 

Don't get victimized by someone who's only thinking about herself. You have the kids to consider.

[danny407]

Talking to a lawyer doesn't always equate to irrevocable action. What it does do is to give you a better understanding of your rights as a father and also how any actions you choose to take in the next little while, can impact on your ability to salvage something, anything, if reconciliation or mature actions, fall through.

 

Don't get victimized by someone who's only thinking about herself. You have the kids to consider.

 

I see your point. I am canceling my direct deposit today before my next paycheck. I requested to pick it up at work because the require photo ID and work ID to get it.

 

Once I get paid I will seek a lawyer. When I speak with my wifre she doesn't know what she wants, she just wants her kids I image. She would be happy if her and kids were at her place if she had one.

 

I am thinking about taking the kids this week to Chuckie Cheese and ask my wife to come to talk about the future of this family. I thought the kids would feel good bout playing and having fun.

 

Meanwhile we can discuss matters. I feel like I am the adult and she is the child!

[SRV]

Do not push the talk about "us" yet. She is the one that WALKED AWAY and has to come back on her own. Go through some of the threads on this forum and look at the outcome if you push it.

 

She has to want it, she has to want to come back for it to work out. If she comes back because you insisted, she will resent that fact and sooner or later you will be back to square one.

 

You need to check out the marriage builders website and read on it.

[danny407]

Do not push the talk about "us" yet. She is the one that WALKED AWAY and has to come back on her own. Go through some of the threads on this forum and look at the outcome if you push it.

 

She has to want it, she has to want to come back for it to work out. If she comes back because you insisted, she will resent that fact and sooner or later you will be back to square one.

 

You need to check out the marriage builders website and read on it.

 

Thanks for the reply. I am doing the direct oppisite really, I told her that her and I need to live apart for a while we go through MC if she is willing. I love for but refuse to let her come back home without working on these issues.

 

I cannot live with somebody who does not love me and is unhappy like this. Also there's that sticky little problem about her possibly having an affair witch I have no proof of but have a strong gut feeling there could be.

 

I need to think if I wanna be with someone who walks out on there family and is possibly cheating. I don't trust her right now.

[Gowithflow]

 

I need to think if I wanna be with someone who walks out on there family and is possibly cheating. I don't trust her right now.

 

Her heart is not there anymore. You cannot use words to convince her of anything at this point. She is dead to you.

 

It sucks. Protect yourself. Talk it out with others. It happens to the best of us.

Remember to eat.

Peace to you buddy-

[danny407]

Her heart is not there anymore. You cannot use words to convince her of anything at this point. She is dead to you.

 

It sucks. Protect yourself. Talk it out with others. It happens to the best of us.

Remember to eat.

Peace to you buddy-

 

Ya I kinda feel like want's the point of trying to work on this marriage, I don't think she cares enough. Or she shows it all wrong. Plus it is wearing on me when she comes over. We don't hug don't kiss nothing. We don't really talk just 1 liners.

 

She is coming over tonight to see the kids, I wish I didn't have to be there. I don't want to seem like I am not trying to fix this marriage. But want can I say or do? Thanks all.

[Angel1111]

I don't want to seem like I am not trying to fix this marriage. But want can I say or do? Thanks all.

 

Seriously, why do you think you need to look like you're trying to fix the marriage? SHE walked out on YOU, not the other way around. The more you attempt to fix it, the more she's going to think you're a doormat. Women do not respect men they can walk all over. And you won't gain her respect by fighting for her after she has treated you and the kids this way. It's one thing to want out of a marriage, it's another to be callous and cold about it.

 

You need to be 'not there' when she gets there tonight. See if you can find someone to be at the house with the kids when she arrives. The only thing likely to get her attention is your complete and utter silence. This is not going to be fixed any time soon.

[danny407]

Seriously, why do you think you need to look like you're trying to fix the marriage? SHE walked out on YOU, not the other way around. The more you attempt to fix it, the more she's going to think you're a doormat. Women do not respect men they can walk all over. And you won't gain her respect by fighting for her after she has treated you and the kids this way. It's one thing to want out of a marriage, it's another to be callous and cold about it.

 

You need to be 'not there' when she gets there tonight. See if you can find someone to be at the house with the kids when she arrives. The only thing likely to get her attention is your complete and utter silence. This is not going to be fixed any time soon.

 

Nice guys finish last I guess. I have a hard time being mean.

[Angel1111]

Nice guys finish last I guess. I have a hard time being mean.

 

No, it's more like 'overly nice guys who have no self-preservation instincts finish last'.

 

It's not about being mean. There is a middle ground. You know, that place you go to when you can't trust someone and you know they'll rip you up if you give them the chance again. It's called keeping your distance until they have shown you that they can be trusted again. It's called having too much self-respect to let a person close to you when they've crossed the line (aka boundaries).

[Trialbyfire]

You have children to consider. You don't need to be mean or cruel. Just protect yourself, the children and your access to the children.

 

The male members that come to mind who've succeeded through a lot of pain are as follows. If I've missed anyone, my apologies.

 

Trimmer made it through without using the children as a battleground. The two are divorced.

 

I don't know if Owl has children but his wife was engaged in an emotional affair. The two stayed together.

[danny407]

You have children to consider. You don't need to be mean or cruel. Just protect yourself, the children and your access to the children.

 

The male members that come to mind who've succeeded through a lot of pain are as follows. If I've missed anyone, my apologies.

 

Trimmer made it through without using the children as a battleground. The two are divorced.

 

I don't know if Owl has children but his wife was engaged in an emotional affair. The two stayed together.

 

 

 

Thank you for the reply. I need to get my head straight. She came over last night we had relations. I know we shouldn't of done that probbly. I guess that helps me understand that an affair is not taking place so it would seem.

 

I think I need to be honest about our past. She ans I talked and she states she is still dealing with some of the things I did in our past. Well for one I was hooked on a on-line game for a couple of years and did ignore her quite a bit.

 

I have stopped though about a month ago. Also, after my son was born I didn't want anymore children. She did. She got pregent and miscarridge. I told her I wanted to be fixed. She did not like the idea.

 

She agrued about the idea for some time. I ended up getting the procedure without her consent really. She still habors feeling about this today. We are facing bankrupcy because of money issues build up over years.

 

She is stressed out and so am I. I guess I thought she was over these things and we were just working through them. Sorry I didn't say this before but I didn't relize much they factored in.

[TrustInYourself]

You want advice desperately, but you don't even know what you want.

 

First piece of advice from me, find out what you want. Involve your wife if you both can end the perpetual cycle of blame and hurt. Do you have the maturity to do so? Or do you have to argue to convey feelings and thoughts effectively?

[danny407]

You want advice desperately, but you don't even know what you want.

 

First piece of advice from me, find out what you want. Involve your wife if you both can end the perpetual cycle of blame and hurt. Do you have the maturity to do so? Or do you have to argue to convey feelings and thoughts effectively?

 

We don't agrue really. But I understand we have poor communications. She can be difficult when talking about her feelings. She holds things inside so I don't know what she is thinking sometimes. She doesn't wan't to go to a MC because she thinks if we cannot work it out no one who is outside of this relationship can.

 

We married a little young maybe that doesn't help. I do thank you for the advice. I just want to Trust her again, I feel the trust has been damaged. But I want my wife and I to try and repair these issues before it's too late.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, we don't pop out of the womb ready to communicate and love perfectly. No sweat, you can learn.

 

Communication is an artform. You are showing up to a gunfight with a broken bottle screaming at the top of your lungs. She has a revolver and she's quietly staring at you. Who's being effective? Not that you're wrong, it's just unique.

 

Upbringing, family history, and personality tend to influence the way we communicate (which for me, is exactly opposite of my wife). We work it out, sometimes we don't. But understanding her and her expectations helps a great deal.

[danny407]

Yeah, we don't pop out of the womb ready to communicate and love perfectly. No sweat, you can learn.

 

Communication is an artform. You are showing up to a gunfight with a broken bottle screaming at the top of your lungs. She has a revolver and she's quietly staring at you. Who's being effective? Not that you're wrong, it's just unique.

 

Upbringing, family history, and personality tend to influence the way we communicate (which for me, is exactly opposite of my wife). We work it out, sometimes we don't. But understanding her and her expectations helps a great deal.

 

 

I guess my question is can a marriage survive a seperation? Living seperate from one another? She wants to try to be apart for a while and then consider getting a place together.

 

I dunno I hope so. Oh well only time will tell....