Younger man won't sleep with me cause I am separated

[comicgirl]

A younger man(10 years younger) asked me out for drinks a month ago. We have known each other for almost 2 years. We have gone out 3 times and each time I ended up staying at his place. We slept in the same bed and messed around all night without doing the deed. He says he can't because I am still married. I am very confused. He can do everything except actual acts with me, sleep hugging me, kiss me, etc but that. He knew I was married! He knows I am separated! We text and talk but I don't know what to do here. Last time we said we'd just be friends but ended up at his apt again.

[reservoirdog1]

Tell him that your marriage is over in all but law. All the important things that make a marriage (partnership, love, commitment, etc.) are gone. Tell him that there are quite a few couples who separate, stay apart, never get back together, but never get around to actually doing the divorce. They've completely moved on with their lives, other than taking a straightforward procedural step.

 

Or put it to him another way: your marriage is dead. All that's left is the burial. (Not to sound crass, but that's a good way of looking at it.)

[SoStupid]

A younger man(10 years younger) asked me out for drinks a month ago. We have known each other for almost 2 years. We have gone out 3 times and each time I ended up staying at his place. We slept in the same bed and messed around all night without doing the deed. He says he can't because I am still married. I am very confused. He can do everything except actual acts with me, sleep hugging me, kiss me, etc but that. He knew I was married! He knows I am separated! We text and talk but I don't know what to do here. Last time we said we'd just be friends but ended up at his apt again.

 

Comicgirl- This looks like a sistuation i would lace up my running shoes and run as fast as i can.

 

I am not too sure where your feelings stand with you husband or this man that your talking to. but i will tell you what i see. I see you a person that is in a difficult sistuation and you are trying to find comfort and attention from someone else to keep your mind from wandering back to what you knew. This other guy obviously has some kind of respect for you due to the fact that he wont do the deed as you say. Sounds like to me that he has hisn and your feelings in his interest which is a good thing If he was to set his feelings on the line while your still married that would be a mistake on his part. If he was to let you stick your feelings out there that might confuse the problems even more(your feelings, thoughts, ect..) and im sure his too. I think you might want to take a step back and look at your sistuation and really ask yourself is doing the deed with this guy worth loosing your friendship with him??

 

Sit back and really think about this put yourself in his shoe... maybe you can come up with something that makes sense to you.. I hope this helps good luck.

 

-SS

[comicgirl]

I tried ignoring him at work, his job really is on the fringe of mine. I have erased his phone number from my phone twice but I got it back after he texted me on the days I ignored him. If I don't pay attention to him, I hear from him. Sometimes if I text him, he doesn't text back or texts "huh? I'm at lowe"s" I told him I wasn't going to chase him.

[Trimmer]

Tell him that your marriage is over in all but law. All the important things that make a marriage (partnership, love, commitment, etc.) are gone. Tell him that there are quite a few couples who separate, stay apart, never get back together, but never get around to actually doing the divorce. They've completely moved on with their lives, other than taking a straightforward procedural step.

 

Or put it to him another way: your marriage is dead. All that's left is the burial.

... if this is all true... I haven't read the OP's other posts, but there are lots of people who engage in relationships while they are separated who continue to have confusion about what they want and whether they really want to go through with it, etc.

 

OP: what is your situation, with respect to your marriage: Still thinking about it? Any chance of getting back together? Any confusion on your part? Are you pursuing a divorce? If not, why?

 

Finalizing the divorce both creates a solid emotional turning point in your own life, as well as communicates to a partner: this is important enough to me to finish the job.

 

Even having been in a situation where I had the possibility of going out with someone who backed off, probably because I was still technically married (although "it was dead, over in all but paperwork, etc...") I still understand the unwillingness to move too far forward with someone who can't seem to finish the job.

 

Now that my divorce is over, I might well feel the same way about someone who is separated with no progress toward a divorce.

[comicgirl]

I care about him a great deal, it is over but the paperwork. I wasn't looking to get overly involved with this young man, I liked him, I thought he liked me. He's too young to have a serious relationship, nor am I trying to raise a blended famliy. He doesn't have kids nor does he want any. I guess I should just accept our friendship and not respond to him when he texts. It was awkward the other day when a girl he and I both work with invited me out for drinks with her boyfriend and this young man showed up. Then I found out he slept with her some time ago. I'm very pretty and my ego is bruised for sure. Then this young man said"if you had gone out with me two months ago it would be different". When I stayed the night there last week, his phone was blowing up with some girl wanted to come over. I offered to leave but he told her he was sleeping and he told me that he wanted me to stay. What the heck?

[SoStupid]

When I stayed the night there last week, his phone was blowing up with some girl wanted to come over. I offered to leave but he told her he was sleeping and he told me that he wanted me to stay. What the heck?

 

Huge red flad hun.. and he already slept with another girl at work. This younger man sounds like trouble. If i were you I would pull all my feelings out of this even if its just sex.

[comicgirl]

Here's another thing......he told me he has gone to gamblers anon. and he seems to drink a lot. I don't really care about that since I don't want a serious relationship. He said his relationships last 3 months tops. He came up to me at work and said"Hey player". Ignoring him seems to drive him on...what now?

[SoStupid]

Well the first two things you are right you dont have to deal with it.. Thank god!

Secondly, You dont nessicarly have to ignore him, to me that wouldn't address the issues, but i would tell exactly how you feel, if you want him as a friend specify that very very clearly, secondly- because the fact that you have gone out with him and ended up at his house when you tell him your feelings I am more than sure this will catch him off guard due to the fact that you have been pumping his ego and letting him know that you want him. From what you have posted I see him as THE PLAYER" Just getting ego boosts from any girl he see's, Im pretty sure he focuses on people that aren't settled with themselves.

-SS

[comicgirl]

I'm always nice and friendly, if he walks by he gives me a big wave and i give one back. My friends said i should drop this kid but it is a challenge to my ego. Yeah, he does seem like a player to me now. he answers his phone a lot when i am with him too. that irks me.

[betterthandead]

From your posts, I think you got bigger problems to worry about.

[comicgirl]

I was texting with the younger guy and he told me no more hanky and no panky. I pointed out that it wasn't me humping my leg in the night. I've deleted his number and all his texts so I don't keep wasting my time with him......now he's calling like mad. I just keep ignoring him. I feel much better without trying to just get laid so I can say I got one over on him. I've really relied on his bad judgement to have him keep calling me but now I just don't care.

[Mary3]

He likes the kick of an older woman ( cougar) and your not making it easy for him , you are a challenge and thats why your phone is on fire !

[Trialbyfire]

From your posts, I think you got bigger problems to worry about.

 

comicgirl,

1. You're separated, not yet divorced.
   
2. This guy is 10 years younger.
   
3. He's addicted to gambling.
   
4. He drinks like a fish.
   
5. He has girls everywhere that are trying to get into his pants.
   

You're a grown-up now. Stop playing games with this little boy.

[Woggle]

I would have done the same.

[stillafool]

Here's another thing......he told me he has gone to gamblers anon. and he seems to drink a lot. I don't really care about that since I don't want a serious relationship. He said his relationships last 3 months tops. He came up to me at work and said"Hey player". Ignoring him seems to drive him on...what now?

 

 

Stop saying you don't want to be serious with this guy or you will (oops, trip, slip, flip and fall in love with him). Seriously, don't play with fire if you don't want to get burned.