Leaving My Husband

[Emily_1234]

Is it ever right to leave your husband when all the following happen:

 

1. There is no sexual attraction at all. I think of him more like a friend or brother than lover. This has been the case for many, many years now.

2. Your husband never responds to your requests for needing an occasional compliment.

3. Your husband is emotionally absent.

4. Your husband is depressed and refuses to do anything about it (i.e., medications that helped before) and the wife is an upbeat, positive person.

 

The only time I got a reaction out of him was when I said I wanted to leave him. What would you do? I feel like I gave and gave for more than 10 years and now I have nothing else to give.

 

Thank you for your responses.

[JamesM]

Based on what you wrote.....

 

All questions can be answered IMO with a...no.

 

All of those questions can be situational and temporary. All may have an underlying reason that with counseling and intervention can be changed.

 

Perhaps you could ad more to the story for better clarification?

[Geishawhelk]

1. There is no sexual attraction at all. I think of him more like a friend or brother than lover. This has been the case for many, many years now.

This.....

2. Your husband never responds to your requests for needing an occasional compliment.

this.....

3. Your husband is emotionally absent.

and this.....

 

were the primary reasons why my ex- and I parted company.

[Left in a Lurch]

Ever think your #1 caused his #2,#3, and #4?

Maybe you are looking at the wrong person as the cause.

[reservoirdog1]

Given the vows the two of you swore -- to love each other, through sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, till death do you part, etc. -- I think you owe it to your H and to your marriage to try to fix it first, before bailing.

 

Keep in mind, you know exactly how you're feeling. You're ground zero as far as your feelings, and all the ways you feel unfulfilled in your marriage. But you need to realize that he may not share your perception. It's not as strange as it may sound; when my XW told me that she was no longer attracted to me and had come to view me more like a brother, I was stunned -- we'd had a fairly active sex life and were fairly romantic towards each other. (I had a stack of cards from birthdays, Valentines Days, etc. from her, in which she said how much she loved me, how lucky she was, etc.)

 

When did you tell him you wanted to leave him? Recently? What was the "reaction" he had?

 

What you need to do is commit yourself to counselling, with him. You need to explore together, what's lacking in the marriage from your perspective, and what can be done to fix it. I say again, he may simply be unaware of how hopeless things seem from your perspective.

 

If you do that for, say, six months and he doesn't put in much effort, or if nothing changes, then you may well have reached the point where you can honestly say you've "earned" your way out of your marriage.

 

Nobody should have to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable and unfulfilled. But, from my perspective, part of the vows you swore is an obligation to work your ass off to fix things, before calling it quits.

 

And if you've worked your ass off, to no avail... then at that point, I would answer "yes" to all four of your questions.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Emily -- your situation sounds eerily familiar. You might want to check out the thread started by "Fearful Wife" on here. The title of it starts with, "33 year old..."

[LakesideDream]

Hey, what do you care what we here at LS think? Haven't all your girl friends already advised you that it's your absolute right to persue happiness above all other things?

 

Walk away wives are all the rage. You can join the parade nearly unnoticed.

 

Or, you can make the effort to repair the damage already done to your marriage. Counseling might even work for you. Your #1 is the most common reason of all, it leads to all the others, ending either in divorce or marital infidelity (in search of affection of course) which then leads to divorce. If that's what you are sure that you want why waste anymore of your husbands life making your dreams come true?

 

Oh.. did you mention if there were children involved? Innocent childrens needs are much more important than yours, although you probably thought of that already.

[dead-dyke]

Hey, what do you care what we here at LS think? Haven't all your girl friends already advised you that it's your absolute right to persue happiness above all other things?

 

Walk away wives are all the rage. You can join the parade nearly unnoticed.

 

Or, you can make the effort to repair the damage already done to your marriage. Counseling might even work for you. Your #1 is the most common reason of all, it leads to all the others, ending either in divorce or marital infidelity (in search of affection of course) which then leads to divorce. If that's what you are sure that you want why waste anymore of your husbands life making your dreams come true?

 

Oh.. did you mention if there were children involved? Innocent childrens needs are much more important than yours, although you probably thought of that already.

 

 

Lakeside dream, you are my new hero. But on a side note, at least your looking outside of girlfriends for advice. That does count for something. I wish someone close to me would have tried, but it was easier to walk away.

[confused71]

Hey, what do you care what we here at LS think? Haven't all your girl friends already advised you that it's your absolute right to persue happiness above all other things?

 

Walk away wives are all the rage. You can join the parade nearly unnoticed.

 

 

 

Truest thing I have read on here in a while.In my situation I noticed how a lot of my wifes friends encouraged her affair and even helped in her deceit of me.Its like they get a kick out of seeing a marriage break up.Sick.

[pelicanpreacher]

It's funny how crabs at the bottom of a hot pot will dance and whirl like they enjoy being there. This entices those crabs high up and safe on the edge to give up the comfort of their spot to join what they percieve as mirth below only to find out that life in the heat of life isn't all that its cracked up to be and those miserable crabs at the bottom of the pot are only too happy to drag and hold you down. Yes, we all want excitement and, if our partner isn't providing it, it can be very tempting to consider the alternative thrills that seem to beckon in the "hot life" but be careful what you pray for... for you might get your prayers answered.

 

Your obligation at this point is to revitalise the man to whom you have betrothed. These are hard times and the toll of these trying days may be affecting your husband's confidence and ability to focus on your needs. If you are one to look at the big picture then you must ask yourself if abandoning your vows when times are tough serves your best interests in the long run.

 

It is my bet that with a bit more patience, introspection, and effort on your part you can have more than you've ever wanted with your husband than you could ever achieve by joining the throngs at the bottom of the pot. The question that begs, therefore, is "how hard is your metal and what do your vows mean to you"!

 

My advice is to dust off your pom poms and play cheerleader for awhile to encourage your husband's confidence and see what results. The alternative is to know that most never realize that crabs at the bottom of the pot are miserable until they get down there to join the dance with with them!

[reddog63]

Given the vows the two of you swore -- to love each other, through sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, till death do you part, etc. -- I think you owe it to your H and to your marriage to try to fix it first, before bailing.

 

Keep in mind, you know exactly how you're feeling. You're ground zero as far as your feelings, and all the ways you feel unfulfilled in your marriage. But you need to realize that he may not share your perception. It's not as strange as it may sound; when my XW told me that she was no longer attracted to me and had come to view me more like a brother, I was stunned -- we'd had a fairly active sex life and were fairly romantic towards each other. (I had a stack of cards from birthdays, Valentines Days, etc. from her, in which she said how much she loved me, how lucky she was, etc.)

 

When did you tell him you wanted to leave him? Recently? What was the "reaction" he had?

 

What you need to do is commit yourself to counselling, with him. You need to explore together, what's lacking in the marriage from your perspective, and what can be done to fix it. I say again, he may simply be unaware of how hopeless things seem from your perspective.

 

If you do that for, say, six months and he doesn't put in much effort, or if nothing changes, then you may well have reached the point where you can honestly say you've "earned" your way out of your marriage.

 

Nobody should have to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable and unfulfilled. But, from my perspective, part of the vows you swore is an obligation to work your ass off to fix things, before calling it quits.

 

And if you've worked your ass off, to no avail... then at that point, I would answer "yes" to all four of your questions.

 

I would at least try some counseling so that both of you can understand what the other is thinking and feeling. Just maybe it will help.

 

Now, these are just some of my thoughts I am thinking after reading the thread. I can understand the points made by several posters telling the OP that she made vows, etc.

 

But say her husband is who he is. Maybe he can or is willing to make some changes. But maybe he just slides back into the way he has been acting and the OP still feels like her needs arent going to be met. Let's face it, most people are not going to change much. If they get scared enough, maybe they will.

 

With that being said, should one stay in a marriage like this because he/she made a vow? Is her husband acting in a loving way? People respond and simplify the situation............but she has to live in a relationship that is unfullfilling.

 

I dont know...........I think about both sides............I know I do not believe it is a simple as............You made a vow, etc..........just like it is not as simple as.......Your not happy this month, so take off.

 

Obvsiously, it is very difficult for two people to spend their entire lives together. Someone 1000's of years ago came up with this cermony of marriage. Does it even make sense anymore?

 

One final thought.......if people want or believe or wish that people in their marriage should honor their vows..........then one should expect each spouse to strive and meet their spouse's needs. Unmet needs is what typically is behind the deterioration of the marriage (bad communication is an key part of this). When a spouse ignores these needs, then they are playing russian roulette with their marriage. And just saying.......they made a promise.......is not a good enough reason to stay at some point.

 

Just more of my humble opinions!

[carhill]

No conclusions here.....some questions though...

 

Do you still love your husband, if only as a person (as opposed to lover)?

 

Do you feel you and he are/were compatible? As an example, when he was taking his meds, did you feel like you and he were on the same page and connected with each other?

 

What does your husband say about the state of your marriage? Have you solicited his feelings on this matter? Even his thoughts would do, as you say he's emotionally distant....

 

Have you ever been in IC or MC?

 

Are you religious/spiritual? Participate in organized worship?

 

Do you have children?

 

Editorially, I can say the single biggest downfall to our M has been lack of effective communication; this is especially important when two people with very different perspectives are married. Not being on the same page emotionally causes schisms to develop unless each of us is proactively communicating with the other. We don't "get" the other's perspective without it and understanding and empathy don't naturally follow as they would for a couple more emotionally compatible.

 

OP, one last question.... due to your husband's emotional distance, have you found yourself "over-compensating" by being even more emotionally engaged/evocative than you might otherwise be? If so, this can really drain the psyche, IME. Be very watchful of that. It's a killer...

 

Best wishes and welcome to LS

[grogster]

You don't need permission to leave your spouse. Some here will almost always recommend the continuation of a dead marriage over rupture. For them the idea of marriage is more important than the perceived, felt, intimate reality of the relationship.

 

If you're unhappy, separate and divorce. Living alone is preferable to a bad marriage.

[JamesM]

Some here will almost always recommend the continuation of a dead marriage over rupture. For them the idea of marriage is more important than the perceived, felt, intimate reality of the relationship.

 

Having been married for over 18 years, there are always times when a marriage may seem "dead," but most of the time, this is simply a temporary "illness."

 

The question is not whether one leaves a dead marriage, but the question really is...is this marriage dead?

 

The idea of marriage is not supreme, but one's commitment to a vow of marriage must be honored.

 

If you're unhappy, separate and divorce. Living alone is preferable to a bad marriage.

 

Unhappiness is not the reason for divorce. Today I am unhappy...tomorrow may be different.

 

Living alone IS preferable to a bad marriage, but when a marriage is bad, there are many remedies before declaring it dead.

[danny407]

Truest thing I have read on here in a while.In my situation I noticed how a lot of my wifes friends encouraged her affair and even helped in her deceit of me.Its like they get a kick out of seeing a marriage break up.Sick.

 

This sounds like my life. Although I cannot prove it yet the flags are there and the friends are too! Please consider his feeling and ATLEAST try to make things work before bailing on him.

[Kasan]

Having been married for over 18 years, there are always times when a marriage may seem "dead," but most of the time, this is simply a temporary "illness."

 

The question is not whether one leaves a dead marriage, but the question really is...is this marriage dead?

 

The idea of marriage is not supreme, but one's commitment to a vow of marriage must be honored.

 

Unhappiness is not the reason for divorce. Today I am unhappy...tomorrow may be different.

 

Living alone IS preferable to a bad marriage, but when a marriage is bad, there are many remedies before declaring it dead.

 

You make some great points James, however, here is what the OP said.

 

There is no sexual attraction at all. I think of him more like a friend or brother than lover. This has been the case for many, many years now.

 

And--

 

Your husband is depressed and refuses to do anything about it (i.e., medications that helped before) and the wife is an upbeat, positive person.

 

I dunno, as the OP hasn't returned, but I wonder as to what lengths she has gone to, in trying to save her marriage and get her husband some help.

 

There comes a time, if a partner consistently resists help, that you need to value your own happiness.

 

You can't help people who don't want to be helped.

[frannie]

The only time I got a reaction out of him was when I said I wanted to leave him. What would you do? I feel like I gave and gave for more than 10 years and now I have nothing else to give.

 

What kind of response did you get? Promises and no action? Did he engage at all with you, has it all gone back to how it's been for a decade? Have you tried MC or IC? Would he agree to it?

 

I see a lot of people saying you made vows and so on, but if you're feeling like this and you've really been trying with him and pursuing all avenues then I would say you have every 'right' to leave him if that's what you want.

 

I fully expect the people saying you must stick it out despite your feelings are the same ones who would blame you if you found someone else (as a natural result of being consistently unfulfilled at home) and wanted to leave then. Only then they'd be asking you why you didn't fix it or leave before hand

[reservoirdog1]

Now, these are just some of my thoughts I am thinking after reading the thread. I can understand the points made by several posters telling the OP that she made vows, etc.

 

But say her husband is who he is. Maybe he can or is willing to make some changes. But maybe he just slides back into the way he has been acting and the OP still feels like her needs arent going to be met. Let's face it, most people are not going to change much. If they get scared enough, maybe they will.

 

With that being said, should one stay in a marriage like this because he/she made a vow? Is her husband acting in a loving way? People respond and simplify the situation............but she has to live in a relationship that is unfullfilling.

Absolutely, the mere presence of vows does NOT mean that somebody in a crappy marriage should stay in it forever, full stop. It simply means, in my mind, that there's an obligation, willingly assumed, to at least try to fix things before calling it quits.

 

If you try to fix things and it doesn't work out, then I agree... you should end the marriage and try to find happiness elsewhere.

 

But first, give your husband the chance to make you happy, knowing exactly how you feel and what's at stake. If the roles were reversed, you'd want him to work on the marriage before calling it quits.

 

That's all I'm sayin'.

[grogster]

What kind of response did you get? Promises and no action? Did he engage at all with you, has it all gone back to how it's been for a decade? Have you tried MC or IC? Would he agree to it?

 

I see a lot of people saying you made vows and so on, but if you're feeling like this and you've really been trying with him and pursuing all avenues then I would say you have every 'right' to leave him if that's what you want.

 

I fully expect the people saying you must stick it out despite your feelings are the same ones who would blame you if you found someone else (as a natural result of being consistently unfulfilled at home) and wanted to leave then. Only then they'd be asking you why you didn't fix it or leave before hand

 

Apt observation of the old fashioned moralist double bind, frannie. On the one hand they lecture that all marriages should limp along regardless of harm. But when someone cheats, they exclaim: "You should have divorced, first."

 

Good intentions pave the road to marital Hell.

[Trialbyfire]

Is it ever right to leave your husband when all the following happen:

 

1. There is no sexual attraction at all. I think of him more like a friend or brother than lover. This has been the case for many, many years now.

2. Your husband never responds to your requests for needing an occasional compliment.

3. Your husband is emotionally absent.

4. Your husband is depressed and refuses to do anything about it (i.e., medications that helped before) and the wife is an upbeat, positive person.

 

The only time I got a reaction out of him was when I said I wanted to leave him. What would you do? I feel like I gave and gave for more than 10 years and now I have nothing else to give.

 

Thank you for your responses.

I would walk. He's not prepared to fuel the marriage. Time to move on.

[JamesM]

You make some great points James, however, here is what the OP said.

 

There is no sexual attraction at all. I think of him more like a friend or brother than lover. This has been the case for many, many years now.

 

The question is...what is many many years?

 

Your husband is depressed and refuses to do anything about it (i.e., medications that helped before) and the wife is an upbeat, positive person.

 

This would also be...how long? And yes, with this caveat, the marriage does seem to be limping along.

 

I dunno, as the OP hasn't returned, but I wonder as to what lengths she has gone to, in trying to save her marriage and get her husband some help.

 

I agree.

 

There comes a time, if a partner consistently resists help, that you need to value your own happiness.

 

Correct. And the question is...is happiness found only outside of that marriage or in spite of that marriage?

 

You can't help people who don't want to be helped.

 

And maybe some tough love of "You will lose me if you do not attempt to fix yourself" is a last resort.

 

If it was me (and it has been) and as I have children, then I know that my response may be different from someone who does not have children. I know I have exhausted every means and change has occurred.

 

The problem with depression is that the person doesn't care. Help does not seem possible. And all hope is lost. Only if hope is brought back can the person be helped.

 

Can this marriage be saved? I do not know. My response is based on what has been asked. If there are other caveats, then my answer may be different. But based on my own experiences, then I say no.

[JamesM]

Apt observation of the old fashioned moralist double bind, frannie. On the one hand they lecture that all marriages should limp along regardless of harm. But when someone cheats, they exclaim: "You should have divorced, first."

 

Good intentions pave the road to marital Hell.

 

Actually, I wouldn't say that. While I do not condone cheating, I understand what leads to it. And having lived in a hopeless marriage for quite awhile (albeit not many, many years...whatever that equals), then I can say I know the anger and frustration that will result.

 

But having seen results from things I have tried, I hesitate to say leave before knowing what has been tried for solutions. Someone may think they have tried everything, but it may be based on the knowledge that they have. A new idea may just be the answer that is being looked for.

 

So, while I am against divorce when at all possible, I usually (never say never) would not say stay no matter how awful your situation.

 

 

 

My response is...exhaust all possible means, then consider the next option.

 

Nothing was said by the OP regarding any other person. She did not ask about affairs. Being a "moralist" is not required to honor vows. Anyone can honor commitments despite or in spite of their belief in a God.

[LoveJonesRomance]

Yes, I would leave him. Efforts to make a marriage to work has to come from both ends.

[JamesM]

Efforts to make a marriage to work has to come from both ends.

 

Yes and no.

 

Eventually, both partners will need to work together before the marriage can be fixed, but in many situations, only one person actually starts the process for change. This initiative by the one can cause change in the other.

[grogster]

I would walk. He's not prepared to fuel the marriage. Time to move on.

 

 

"Fuel the marriage"? What an interesting expression.

 

Well said.