Leaving My Husband

[pelicanpreacher]

Could your husband's emotional distance be the result of an affair you suspected him of at any time during your marriage? If he feels uncomfortable with expressing emotion toward you it might be caused by guilt he's harboring which also might answer a question or two about what's behind his depression.

[alwayssme]

I dont mean to be rude at all...it hurts me to see how many relationships and marriages get ruined...why does it have to be like that? i dont know how religious you are but God says that the man and woman become one flesh...a marriage or a relationship is a commitment...it is not ALL ABOUT YOU!! you're in it with someone else...and you owe it to yourself and your husband to TRY and see if it can be fixed...if you both try your best and it doesnt work, then u should leave. You saying you dont find him attractive and see him as a friend? Okay maybe he hasnt taken care of himself, you were attracted to him once, you could find that attraction again. And after knowing somebody for so long, of course your love is going to grow and those "butterflies' will not be there all the time. I read a book on psychology about love and how wrong people are about it. The butterflies are bascially "nervousness" when your with someone for THAT long, chances are you wont see fireworks 24/7. Best wishes to you! Good luck!

[n9688m]

Can you clarify two things please:

 

(1) Why did you get married in this first place?

 

(2) Are you having an affair now or is there any particular man you are currently thinking about having an affair with?

[Emily_1234]

Hi.

 

I honestly don't remember exactly why I got married. Probably because we had been together for six plus years. In hindsight, I shouldn't have because there were signs earlier. Specifically, I remember walking on the beach with him, reaching out to hold his hand and he pulled it away. I was soooo hurt that day - and that's just one sign of years of his emotional distance. Perhaps I didn't think I would find anyone else ... or that I already had so many years "invested."

 

There's no one else. Just the idea of someone else. No one has been paying me compliments, I don't go to lunch with other men, etc.

 

As for the person who said it's not always about me. That hurts. Of course not - and that's probably why I've stayed and tried to work things out for years. But if the other person doesn't listen to you ... what are you supposed to do? At some point - it has to be about your own happiness. You only got one shot at this life ... I don't see the point in self-sacrifice for someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway.

[Emily_1234]

I wouldn't think about having an affair.

 

But I understand why people do.

 

It's hard to leave someone when there isn't that big dramatic event (like having an affair). I'm trying to make a decision about my marriage without another person in my life - I'm going through this alone. It's not easy (not asking for sympathy here but understanding).

 

Oh, one other thing in response to an earlier posting, my girlfriends didn't put this idea in my head or encourage me to leave my husband. I don't want to be part of some wave of women leaving their husbands. That's ridiculous (although I guess it happens). This is my own personal decision ... I've never been one to follow the crowd.

[n9688m]

As for the person who said it's not always about me. That hurts. Of course not - and that's probably why I've stayed and tried to work things out for years.

 

Have you been to marriage counseling yet?

[JamesM]

I wouldn't think about having an affair.

 

But I understand why people do.

 

It's hard to leave someone when there isn't that big dramatic event (like having an affair). I'm trying to make a decision about my marriage without another person in my life - I'm going through this alone. It's not easy (not asking for sympathy here but understanding).

 

 

I TOTALLY understand why you would want to leave, and I do have empathy and sympathy having experienced some of the same things.

 

And if you feel that you have exhausted all means to fix the situation, then I would never stand and say what your next step should be.

 

This would be your decision.

 

The one thing that I have always feared that the marriage that I cannot fix because of her problems will be fixed after I have given up hope and left. Then I will wonder what would have happened if I just waited a little longer or did just one more thing.

 

Yet even with that, one must decide if it is worth waiting that extra minute, month or year. Without knowing when or is such a solution will happen, one can waste life with such hopeless waiting.

[pelicanpreacher]

Can you recall any incidents during your marriage and relationship where your husband spontaneously showed you open affection in public?

[RecordProducer]

As for the person who said it's not always about me. That hurts. You only got one shot at this life ... I don't see the point in self-sacrifice for someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway.

I absolutely agree with you. I think this poster missed the part where you said you tried very hard to communicate your needs and all your pleads bounced back with no response from him. Furthermore, some things don't have to be drawn for your spouse to understand that there are part of the marriage deal. I understand how you can feel turned off by an emotionally "constipated" husband. No, you don't have to beg for a kiss. I know we're not hearing his side of the story, but you wouldn't feel bad if he didn't make you feel bad. And if he has legitimate reasons for treating you like this, he should be able to convey it to you in a constructive way; e.g. "I am cold to you because you always nag; stop nagging and I'll strat being affectionate" or "I resent the fact that you don't find em attractive and have no desire to compliment you or kiss you."

 

HE doesn't want to work on the marriage. You did. Well, we all have our limits. This is your last resort (trial separation) and if it fails, you can leave or accept him the way he is. Alternatively, you can skip the trial separation and just divorce him. It's up to you to make yourself happy. Do you love him? Do you think he loves you?

 

Emily, do you have dependent children with him?

[grogster]

Emily's "marriage-is-forever-so-just-suck-it-up" critics conveniently ignore her husband's long-time passive-aggressive behavior. These marriage moralists focus their fire on she-who-wants-to-leave as opposed to he-who-forces-her-to leave. Why do they enjoy blaming the (female)victim?

 

My best guess is that they cling to a patriarchal belief that wives don't desert their husbands short of severe physical abuse or his infidelity (if then). Women as wives form the backbone of The Family and if all wives start leaving husbands who emotionally, physically and sexually check-out of the marriage, then Western Civilization is toast. Patriarchy's not dead--at the Shack.

 

Does Emily have good cause to separate? At the end of the day, only she can answer that question. Like some Greek chorus we can only watch, and wait.

[JamesM]

Emily's "marriage-is-forever-so-just-suck-it-up" critics conveniently ignore her husband's long-time passive-aggressive behavior. These marriage moralists focus their fire on she-who-wants-to-leave as opposed to he-who-forces-her-to leave. Why do they enjoy blaming the (female)victim?

 

My best guess is that they cling to a patriarchal belief that wives don't desert their husbands short of severe physical abuse or his infidelity (if then). Women as wives form the backbone of The Family and if all wives start leaving husbands who emotionally, physically and sexually check-out of the marriage, then Western Civilization is toast. Patriarchy's not dead--at the Shack.

 

Does Emily have good cause to separate? At the end of the day, only she can answer that question. Like some Greek chorus we can only watch, and wait.

 

I am not sure who this rant applies to, but I don't see that kind of attitude on this thread. I guess it seems that anyone who advocates first exhausting all means to save a marriage somehow fits that picture. It is a wrong assumption.

 

And yes, only Emily can make the choice. Since she came here and by her responses, she welcomes additional opinions. For some of us who have worked on our marriages and have seen good results, we can see that exhausting all possible solutions CAN yield results. This does not mean we think she should stay and simply "suck it up."

[TrustInYourself]

Anyone who has accepted divorce would be willing to encourage accepting it. Those of us who have not, would be willing to discourage acceptance.

 

The situation can always be addressed if you have two mature individuals and one person who is willing to put in some effort.

[grogster]

Anyone who has accepted divorce would be willing to encourage accepting it. Those of us who have not, would be willing to discourage acceptance.

 

The situation can always be addressed if you have two mature individuals and one person who is willing to put in some effort.

 

 

One person does not a marriage make. To sacrifice one's youth, happiness and self-esteem on marriage's bloody altar is not everyone's idea of rational behavior.

[Trialbyfire]

One person does not a marriage make. To sacrifice one's youth, happiness and self-esteem on marriage's bloody altar is not everyone's idea of rational behavior.

I'm with you on this one grogster. There's a limit to how much one person should give and how much the other should take. It should be a relationship where both parties are getting something from it, not a lifetime life-sucking sentence.

[pelicanpreacher]

"Be ye not unequally yolked"! I've reread your thread and see that his emotional distance issues were known long before marriage was ever considered and yet, for the myriad of reasons you've previoiusly espoused, you went ahead and married him anyways. I'm guessing that you thought you could change him! You've also pointed out that whenever you pull the "I'm leaving" card he comes bursting out of his shell to become more attentive yet, as soon as he feels the danger has passed, he collapses back into himself and you return to begging for love and affection.

 

Knowing the patterns your lives have taken you feel unsatisfied and knowing what to expect in the future depresses you. You need to sit down with your husband and lay your cards on the table. Tell him that when you married him you knew that he was emotionally distant but pursued marriage with the silly schoolgirl's romantic notion that one day in the future he'd love you enough to burst with ardor, sweep you off your feet, and ride you off into a glorious sunset. Tell him that not only hasn't this happened but you feel like you've been reduced to begging for any crumbs of affection he's willing to dole out and have been struggling with the notion of living this way for the rest of your life. Let him know that it's not his fault that you feel this way for, again, you knew when you married him that this is the way he was but chose to ignore the obvious signs of your naturally mutual incompatibility on this issue. Now you want to address this mistake so that he can be with a woman who can live a separate life without ever needing his love, romance, or affection and that he needn't feel guilty for this is just how he is!

[Emily_1234]

Hi all,

 

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback. Just wanted to address a couple of points.

 

My husband and I don't have any children ... well, unless you count the canine kids (who are hard enough to not see every day - can't imagine how those of you do that with human children. It has to be so hard.).

 

Do I love my husband? You know, honestly, I'm not sure. Definitely not in love. But do I care that he doesn't get hurt, sick, or is sad? Absolutely. I only want the best for him.

 

As for marrying him knowing he was emotionally absent - that is true. But I didn't have some glorious notion of changing him and riding off into a sunset. My mom always said to weigh the good and the bad, as long as there was enough good - you stay. There were other things about my relationship that I enjoyed. And I think he's grown more distant as the years went on. I think I changed in the sense that - maybe it's because I'm getting older - that I'm not willing to settle for someone who is distant, who isn't willing to put forth an effort to make things work. I feel like I want more. And the reality is - I know that might not happen. I might not meet another man I want to have a relationship with ... but I'm OK with that. (Although truth be told, I'm not sure how I'll feel in a year or two if I'm still alone. That's hard to predict. But now I feel OK being with just me.)

 

Hmmm, I had another thought and now I can't remember. I'll come back when my brain wakes up. Have a good day all. And thanks again for your concern ... because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be sharing your thoughts.

[n9688m]

My best guess is that they cling to a patriarchal belief that wives don't desert their husbands short of severe physical abuse or his infidelity (if then).

 

That's not patriarchal. It's ecumenical - it applies equally to both sexes in both directions.

 

"Till death do us part"

 

It seems to me the question in these cases isn't whether/why to divorce but rather why they got married to begin with. It may well be that divorce is the only option here. But if so - and if the underlying reason for the divorce is that one spouse married for the wrong reasons - then surely the other spouse has reason to feel deceived and to feel angry.

 

Why do wives seem to do this more than husbands? Well I will take a guess that men are a lot less likely to marry someone whom they are not romantically and sexually attracted to. Women seem more willing in many cases to marry for reasons of security, money, children, societal pressure, or other reasons - and it seems those marriages are often destined to become walkaway-wife situations.

[TrustInYourself]

One person does not a marriage make. To sacrifice one's youth, happiness and self-esteem on marriage's bloody altar is not everyone's idea of rational behavior.

 

False. One person can make or break a marriage. One person. If you want to give up, or have given up, then you would be willing to justify the loss by blaming your former spouse and justifying your own actions. Regardless, if you left or were left, that truth applies both ways. It's a defense mechanism.

 

We can talk details if you like.

[TrustInYourself]

That's not patriarchal. It's ecumenical - it applies equally to both sexes in both directions.

 

"Till death do us part"

 

It seems to me the question in these cases isn't whether/why to divorce but rather why they got married to begin with. It may well be that divorce is the only option here. But if so - and if the underlying reason for the divorce is that one spouse married for the wrong reasons - then surely the other spouse has reason to feel deceived and to feel angry.

 

Why do wives seem to do this more than husbands? Well I will take a guess that men are a lot less likely to marry someone whom they are not romantically and sexually attracted to. Women seem more willing in many cases to marry for reasons of security, money, children, societal pressure, or other reasons - and it seems those marriages are often destined to become walkaway-wife situations.

 

Yes and no. Is there basis to grow for both individuals after the original fundamentals for marriage are gone? Can both individuals evolve? Or are they too stubborn and blind to see things from any other perspective then their own selfish needs and wants?

[n9688m]

False. One person can make or break a marriage. One person. If you want to give up, or have given up, then you would be willing to justify the loss by blaming your former spouse and justifying your own actions. Regardless, if you left or were left, that truth applies both ways. It's a defense mechanism.

 

Amen - no doubt there

[Trialbyfire]

False. One person can make or break a marriage. One person. If you want to give up, or have given up, then you would be willing to justify the loss by blaming your former spouse and justifying your own actions. Regardless, if you left or were left, that truth applies both ways. It's a defense mechanism.

 

We can talk details if you like.

It takes two people to make a functional marriage. If one gives up and the other tries to make it happen but with no corresponding results from the one giving up, then it's time to walk.

 

Marriage should be a positive for both parties.

[marlena]

My best guess is that they cling to a patriarchal belief that wives don't desert their husbands short of severe physical abuse or his infidelity (if then). Women as wives form the backbone of The Family and if all wives start leaving husbands who emotionally, physically and sexually check-out of the marriage, then Western Civilization is toast. Patriarchy's not dead--at the Shack.

 

 

What more can I add to this gem of perspicuity?

 

Like some Greek chorus we can only watch, and wait.

 

Watch and wait as the drama reaches its crescendo with the black-clad figures doing their dance of what the Delphi oracle has predicted.

 

Groggie, you must come to the country of Sophocles and Euripides. I will personally take you to a performance of "Medea" (translation included).

[TrustInYourself]

It takes two people to make a functional marriage. If one gives up and the other tries to make it happen but with no corresponding results from the one giving up, then it's time to walk.

 

Marriage should be a positive for both parties.

 

What is trying? Our definition is different from every one else's definition.

 

If one gives up, there are numerous different effective behaviors and actions that can serve as a solution. They just have to be practically applied by one person to have an effect.

 

If one person checks out, that is not the end of the marriage. Often it is for most, because at that point both parties are incapable of change, incapable of love, incapable of being married.

 

That circumstance/situation can be changed instantly by one individual. It is possible, yet extremely rare. True change for one's self is not easy. It is scary and requires sacrifice and desire for the most of one's own life. Too often both parties cast blame, anger, and misunderstanding before showing the emotion that first led them into an eternal vow to love and cherish eachother forever.

[grogster]

What more can I add to this gem of perspicuity?

 

 

 

Watch and wait as the drama reaches its crescendo with the black-clad figures doing their dance of what the Delphi oracle has predicted.

 

Groggie, you must come to the country of Sophocles and Euripides. I will personally take you to a performance of "Medea" (translation included).

 

Marlena, I may take you up on your kind invitation. Although I love "Classical" Greece, I'm open to the here and now.

 

As for our OP, reasonable minds differ as to how much unilateral effort and energy she need expend to reanimate a lifeless union. The Matrimonialists urge our OP, like poor Sisyphus, to to keep pushing that big boulder uphill.

 

The anti-Matrimonialists counsel the OP that enough is enough and she should not continue wasting her best years trying to coax her absent husband back into a marriage that he has emotionally deserted.

 

What can I say? My ruthless pragmatism is off-putting to some. I care more about the living, however, than a dead, overrated institution like marriage.

[Trialbyfire]

What is trying? Our definition is different from every one else's definition.

 

If one gives up, there are numerous different effective behaviors and actions that can serve as a solution. They just have to be practically applied by one person to have an effect.

 

If one person checks out, that is not the end of the marriage. Often it is for most, because at that point both parties are incapable of change, incapable of love, incapable of being married.

 

That circumstance/situation can be changed instantly by one individual. It is possible, yet extremely rare. True change for one's self is not easy. It is scary and requires sacrifice and desire for the most of one's own life. Too often both parties cast blame, anger, and misunderstanding before showing the emotion that first led them into an eternal vow to love and cherish eachother forever.

How far does one person need to control and/or take responsibility for the other party? The word adult comes to mind.