TrustInYourself Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Marlena, I may take you up on your kind invitation. Although I love "Classical" Greece, I'm open to the here and now. As for our OP, reasonable minds differ as to how much unilateral effort and energy she need expend to reanimate a lifeless union. The Matrimonialists urge our OP, like poor Sisyphus, to to keep pushing that big boulder uphill. The anti-Matrimonialists counsel the OP that enough is enough and she should not continue wasting her best years trying to coax her absent husband back into a marriage that he has emotionally deserted. What can I say? My ruthless pragmatism is off-putting to some. I care more about the living, however, than a dead, overrated institution like marriage. How much unilateral effort? LOL. You people are funny! No effort. She should do absolutely nothing. The problem here is she's trying too much. Her husband's natural reaction is to try less. There is no absolute solution. There is only what works and what does not work. I guess it really comes down to how defeated she is and how much sacrifice she has shouldered so far. Is she done? If so, she should behave as if she is done with the marriage. At that point, if her husband's love is real, he will behave appropriately. Cookie cutter solutions do not exist. To counsel someone to stay married or to get a divorce over a forum is ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 How far does one person need to control and/or take responsibility for the other party? The word adult comes to mind. Exactly, but natural human psychology and behavior come into play. You act like mom/dad, your spouse will begin to adopt child-like behaviors. Sometimes you need to gauge your behaviors and their effect on the dynamic of the relationship. Absolute answers, like give up or try longer only confuse the real issues and also lead to justification for a decision that only the OP should be making. She's on the ground, in the mix, fighting the battles, living her life. Let her, rather than sanctify divorce as the end of all her marital woes. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Exactly, but natural human psychology and behavior come into play. You act like mom/dad, your spouse will begin to adopt child-like behaviors. Sometimes you need to gauge your behaviors and their effect on the dynamic of the relationship. Absolute answers, like give up or try longer only confuse the real issues and also lead to justification for a decision that only the OP should be making. She's on the ground, in the mix, fighting the battles, living her life. Let her, rather than sanctify divorce as the end of all her marital woes. She's asked for opinions. I'm giving her my opinion. Shall I bow out and allow you only to give her your opinion because it's what you feel is best? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Telling her to divorce when you don't know the whole story? What if she decides your piece of advice validates her emotional state and she goes through with it? If you are cool with it, I'm cool with it. I'm just providing a clear and concise counter to your argument and those in this forum that believe that divorce is a good answer to a bad marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Telling her to divorce when you don't know the whole story? What if she decides your piece of advice validates her emotional state and she goes through with it? If you are cool with it, I'm cool with it. I'm just providing a clear and concise counter to your argument and those in this forum that believe that divorce is a good answer to a bad marriage. All we can do is believe the information the OP brings to the thread, unless there are some blatant contradictions. Armed as follows, you provide advice. What I'm seeing from you, is not a balanced opinion but the opinion that marriage is a life sentence. You have a right to your opinion, as I have a right to my opinion. We can both express and debate our opinions. Neither one of us should be telling the other one to get out of a thread. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 What I'm seeing from you, is not a balanced opinion but the opinion that marriage is a life sentence. I think a part of this which is spoken too little in these Forums and in public debate is the shift to no-fault divorce laws. Marriage is as much an economic as a personal contract. I have a really hard time accepting that if one spouse decides unilaterally to leave a marriage - perhaps even after that person has an affair - the other spouse has to give up half (or maybe more than half) of his/her net worth and may even have to pay the adulterer's/deserter's legal expenses. If you made a mistake and should not have gotten married then ok - have a nice life. Don't destroy your partner's economic future because you backed out of the economic partnership. I'm increasingly dumbfounded that this has not become more of a political issues among "family values" politicians. It seems to be this is the ultimate "family values" issue and we have laws now which in many cases financially reward someone for breaking up a nuclear family. Link to post Share on other sites
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