"Just Friends"

[LoveLace]

As I expressed on LS, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders when C finally cleared it up that we are just friends. We've seen each other briefly once since then and I was estatic that there was no awkwardness there. I in fact told him it's so nice to have a guy friend that I'm not obligated to while immensly enjoying his friendship and company at the same time. He insists that he's faithful to his LDR girlfriend and I respected that.

 

Yesterday afternoon C called because last night was the annual charity ball event that happens in our city at a ritzy hotel. There were guests of the table that backed out last minute, so he was trying to help sell tickets. I was overexcited because I always wanted to attend the ball but never could for some reason or another. I'm guessing the GF couldn't go because it's an LDR. Anyway, I frantically threw together a formal ensemble. He insisted on picking me up so I wouldn't have to drive. He said I was the only person he could find with the means to buy a ticket at such short notice. When we arrived, the table was now full so apparently all losses were compensated for.

 

It appeared that C only knew 1 guy at the table but not really anyone else. He and I walked around a lot, drank and laughed a lot, ate a good dinner, and heard a band that we agreed wasn't all that great...we agreed the event itself was kind-of over-rated but cool that it went toward a good cause. He only left my side once for a few min. to say hi to some girl he knew, so I stroke up convo with a couple next to me. I saw him look over as if to check on me while he talked with her. By the end we didn't feel like it was the best event in the world, and he was ready to leave, but he suggested we migrated somewhere else for a last drink or 2. We went to a near by tavern and talked a lot more, apparently we're both really into history and such; our conversations were pretty insightful and interesting...and as usual he won't let me pay for anything..

 

It seemed we both enjoyed hanging out together more than the overly glamorous crap that surrounded us; as if without each other I don't think either of us would have enjoyed it that much at all. So after all this, here I am bumming again because he's such an awesome guy with a GF. But I keep reminding myself how great of a "friend" he really is and refuse to mess that up...the reason I had so much fun last night was because I know we're just friends and that made it very easy to just be myself, relax, say what I'm thinking and have a good time.

 

Today he texted me, "U alive?" - what's that all about? He dropped me off and saw me go inside my house, so why worry? I was certainly not stumbling drunk, but perhaps he just wondered if i was hung over. I texted back "yes, just lazy today, how about you?" - and here 3 hours later no response to that. I don't care, but I'm guessing that now he might be worried about "leading me on" after last night?...if that's the case then why text me for no reason?

 

But perhaps he's right to disappear like that, because here I am talking about it on LS...

[Jilly Bean]

LL - I don't see how you are going to be able to navigate mere friendship with this guy.

 

I always thought it was pretty clear from the get-go that he was not romantically interested, and it's also clear that even though you've agreed to friendship, you are not handling it well, as you did (and do) want more.

 

I mean, he told you he took you to this event because you were the only one he could find to go. Is that kind of thing going to make you happy?

 

Also, I don't see how it is healthy for you to analyze messages from him, as if you are looking for hidden meaning or hope that he cares more than he does. He cares enough about you as a friend to be honest and told you he is faithful to his GF and you are just a friend.

 

As far as his text - he's being a friend. Nothing more. I often gets messages from friends the day after seeing each other to see how I am. Nothing in it.

 

Maybe give it some distance until you get your feelings in check, or have a new man in your life (so C is less impactful), and then try to see if you can handle friendship? I think with your feelings still being as strong as they are, you might benefit from some time away to allow one door to close, before you jump through another with him.

 

Personally, I could not handle being reduced to friendship from someone I had romantic feelings for. I'd just feel too hurt and disappointed...

[LoveLace]

LL - I don't see how you are going to be able to navigate mere friendship with this guy.

 

I always thought it was pretty clear from the get-go that he was not romantically interested, and it's also clear that even though you've agreed to friendship, you are not handling it well, as you did (and do) want more.

 

I mean, he told you he took you to this event because you were the only one he could find to go. Is that kind of thing going to make you happy?

 

Also, I don't see how it is healthy for you to analyze messages from him, as if you are looking for hidden meaning or hope that he cares more than he does. He cares enough about you as a friend to be honest and told you he is faithful to his GF and you are just a friend.

 

As far as his text - he's being a friend. Nothing more. I often gets messages from friends the day after seeing each other to see how I am. Nothing in it.

 

Maybe give it some distance until you get your feelings in check, or have a new man in your life (so C is less impactful), and then try to see if you can handle friendship? I think with your feelings still being as strong as they are, you might benefit from some time away to allow one door to close, before you jump through another with him.

 

Personally, I could not handle being reduced to friendship from someone I had romantic feelings for. I'd just feel too hurt and disappointed...

 

That all makes sense. But I never felt hurt or disappointed by the outcome of being friends. I was strangely relieved because I no longer wanted the pressure of wondering. Since then I've met/hung out with a couple other guys though my interest was minimal with them. C and I went a few weeks with NC and I thought about him much less after it got cleared up. I moved on with things as if it never happened...I expressed how glad I was to have him as a friend, which is still true of course. Perhaps my "romantic" feelings were not all that intense or even real because I never felt upset that he only wanted to be pals. In the past that kind of thing has upset me tons with other guys but for whatever reason I just blew it off as a "thing" with him.

 

As for being a last-minute spot filler for the table, I went into it as exactly that and I was VERY happy that I got to go to the event because I spent YEARS wondering about it. I went into knowing it wasn't him thinking I'm special, I went into it thinking, this is going to be a good time - not with HIM because I actually expected that we would break off and mingle with others all night - but it didn't happen that way. It was an awesome time, just in a different way than I expected it to be. H*ll, I went there hoping to meet some guys out of the deal...but it turned out that C preferred to stay along with me the whole time; and it was mostly couples there anyway; so not exactly an event for singles to hit the jackpot. That's what I thought it was going to be. If there were singles, it was hard to tell who they were among hundreds of people.

 

I just didn't expect to hear from him today or anytime soon even. And it's totally cool that he checks on me or whatever, but I guess I don't feel that's a good excuse to ignore me when I ask how he is in return - I mean, really. Again I'm not mad, but maybe frustrated because the "feelings" from the past are apparently affecting how he communicates now. But oh well, I guess that's just how it has to be.

 

In the mean time I DO have a new guy that I just met over the weekend and plan to see again, so my temporary giddy-ness here will probably fade in a couple days or so...maybe I'm just glad we are still able to have such a great time together considering what happened before. But for him, "before" is always going to be there and I guess I just wish it didn't have to be like that.

[LoveLace]

The more I think of it though, maybe it's NOW that I feel disappointed...from a friendship perspective...cuz it's like it was okay for him to text me, but it's not okay for me to text back? Because he thinks it would be too much? I'd rather him have not texted at all, then I would have just seen him whenever I'd see him. He is a polite guy so I know he does things for that reason alone, but if he's going to flake when I want to return such a gesture, being friends might not really work after all because it's supposed to be a 2-way street. So I guess there's a chance that the "before" stuff might affect things, after all. And that part is disappointing for sure. But again, I guess that's just the way it goes. If HE doesn't get over the past then that will make it harder to be really be just friends with him; it would be like walking on eggshells or something..."I'd better not text him back or he'll think I'm madly in love with him!":laugh: Oh well, maybe the only choice is to just let him have it all his way, like every other typical guy...

[BlueEyedGirl]

Hi LL, did he ever reply to the text?

[LoveLace]

Hey Blueeyed!! No, he didn't! The following day I found our picture from the event online so I emailed it to him and said thanks for calling me with the chance to do something I never got to do before! And left out anything like, "I had an awesome time!" because now I worry that he's afraid of leading me on. Kept it short and practical. He didn't respond to that, either but in a couple weeks or so he'll be calling to ask me out for drinks or something again. I feel like maybe I should stop hanging out with him because I like him and it's clear he wants to keep it minimally involved.

[shadowplay]

Hey Blueeyed!! No, he didn't! The following day I found our picture from the event online so I emailed it to him and said thanks for calling me with the chance to do something I never got to do before! And left out anything like, "I had an awesome time!" because now I worry that he's afraid of leading me on. Kept it short and practical. He didn't respond to that, either but in a couple weeks or so he'll be calling to ask me out for drinks or something again. I feel like maybe I should stop hanging out with him because I like him and it's clear he wants to keep it minimally involved.

 

Yeah, I would cut all contact with him. As long as you stay friends you'll hold onto a shred of hope for something romantic. IMO he's acting selfishly. The way he led you on initially was weird and unfair. He should have realized that asking you out for drinks the first time would have given you ideas. And as a friend he doesn't seem to be treating you very well either. He hasn't responded to your texts/comments. I feel like he's just using you as a filler while his gf is away. Doesn't seem like you're gaining anything from the friendship. Even if he's a great conversationalist it's not worth it. It can't be good for your self esteem.

[LoveLace]

Yeah, I would cut all contact with him. As long as you stay friends you'll hold onto a shred of hope for something romantic. IMO he's acting selfishly. The way he led you on initially was weird and unfair. He should have realized that asking you out for drinks the first time would have given you ideas. And as a friend he doesn't seem to be treating you very well either. He hasn't responded to your texts/comments. I feel like he's just using you as a filler while his gf is away. Doesn't seem like you're gaining anything from the friendship. Even if he's a great conversationalist it's not worth it. It can't be good for your self esteem.

 

I don't know if I'd call it using me as a filler, just because it isn't like we spend romantic time together. So if anything it could be just be filling in the company; which I guess could be just as bad, I don't know.

 

I'm thinking he must truly think I'm cool with it all otherwise you wouldn't think he'd ask me out the other night, even if he was just "trying to fill in empty spots", as he made it sound. You'd think he wouldn't have done that if worried about leading me on. But maybe it worried him afterwards, just as it worried me!

[Yamaha]

Personally, I could not handle being reduced to friendship from someone I had romantic feelings for. I'd just feel too hurt and disappointed...

 

Friendship will never be enough with this guy unless you find someone else for your romantic feelings. You are disappointed that he doesn't like you the same way and rather than beat yourself up as to why he doesn't feel the same just keep him as an aquaintance and maybe you can be friends later.

[LoveLace]

Friendship will never be enough with this guy unless you find someone else for your romantic feelings. You are disappointed that he doesn't like you the same way and rather than beat yourself up as to why he doesn't feel the same just keep him as an aquaintance and maybe you can be friends later.

 

 

I don't find myself feeling like I have unanswered questions about why he just wants to be friends. Him telling me that was all I needed to know. It just bums me out that he's taken, etc when I have such a good time with him. He'll always be an acquaintance for sure, so I"m sure this problem of mine will pass eventually, especially since I manage to meet other guys once in a while (VERY once in a while). If we hang out in a group, it doesn't seem to bother me, but if it's just me and him all night is what makes me like him more. So perhaps if I just try to avoid that situation, it won't have to be a big deal. When we went out the other night, we ended up breaking off as a pair, instead of breaking off to mingle, we mostly mingled together and stuck together. It was the best time I ever had with him, so it's dangerous territory, apparently.

[warmsmile]

LL--

 

You sound like you have the same problem I do with my guy. My guy is in a LDR. I just didn't find out about until I had started having feelings for him.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself as I need to be with me. I do like this guy. I like him a lot. I've tried to say to him and me that I am fine with friendship. The truth is I am not. I am thinking since she is away and I am spending time with him, I will eventually get him. Now, I am starting to realize that he's just using me. I can't say he's not attracted to me. But she is special to him. I am not. He may do things with me, but he is spending money to go see her. That's a lot for a guy. I too am crazy about my friend. I want him to be mine. I keep accepting friendship and I find myself hurt at the end of it.

 

So think about what you really want. Is this what you want? I think we both deserve men who like us and want to be with us. It is hard to find. Trust me, I've been looking for a long time.

 

My friend goes up to see her and comes and calls me after he gets back. He doesn't necessarily say he's been with her. But I wonder what that's about. Why are you calling me now?

 

Anyway, think about it! Let me know what you come up with.

 

Good Luck!

WarmSmile

[LoveLace]

LL--

 

You sound like you have the same problem I do with my guy. My guy is in a LDR. I just didn't find out about until I had started having feelings for him.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself as I need to be with me. I do like this guy. I like him a lot. I've tried to say to him and me that I am fine with friendship. The truth is I am not. I am thinking since she is away and I am spending time with him, I will eventually get him. Now, I am starting to realize that he's just using me. I can't say he's not attracted to me. But she is special to him. I am not. He may do things with me, but he is spending money to go see her. That's a lot for a guy. I too am crazy about my friend. I want him to be mine. I keep accepting friendship and I find myself hurt at the end of it.

 

So think about what you really want. Is this what you want? I think we both deserve men who like us and want to be with us. It is hard to find. Trust me, I've been looking for a long time.

 

My friend goes up to see her and comes and calls me after he gets back. He doesn't necessarily say he's been with her. But I wonder what that's about. Why are you calling me now?

 

Anyway, think about it! Let me know what you come up with.

 

Good Luck!

WarmSmile

 

Warmsmile i'm sorry to hear about what pain you must be feeling! But it doesn't sound like my friend is spending as much time with me as yours...I've been keeping it at a very casual, sporadic pace. We only contact each other on occasion, as of now. I'm content this way. Now it's like "yea, he's awesome, but we're only friends". It appears we keep each other at bay yet stay in touch, which keeps me from feeling too confused or yearning for more. So we don't spend the kind of time together that might make me think it's 'earning time"...in fact that's the last thing I want, hence why I'm happy with the way it is.

 

However it doesn't mean that every time we spend quality time, that it won't bum me out for a couple days after. But I figure as long as that's all it amounts to, as opposed to breaking my heart, I'm safe. I figure that there will always be stupid little things that might make me wonder if something is there for him...and realize it's just wondering, so life goes on.

 

And I can't say that if it were to get more involved, that I couldn't end up feeling the way you do at this time. Totally possible. But if things stay the way the are, I suspect I won't have that conflict. Course, anything could change...

 

Thank you. Good luck.