Career VS Family

[Touche]

Exactly! All parents need to be fully invested. Nothing less than 100% will do. Being a parent isn't a part-time responsibility.

 

Nope. At least it shouldn't be.

 

But you said you have been a working mom too Touche? When was that?

 

I was working from the time our son was around 4 until he was 7. I went from full-time to part-time then to full-time then I quit. It was never right for him, for us as a family or for me.

 

Before he was 4 we had him enrolled in pre-school for awhile just for a few hours a week while I went to school. He loved the interaction with the other kids.

 

I was always saddened to hear that most of those kids were dropped off hours before our son was and picked up hours after he was.

 

The times I was working full-time after he started elementary school were not good. Our son needed more time with us in all ways. Too many other people were his primary influence. He wasn't getting how important we thought his schoolwork was....I can go on and on. I have a whole story about that...ugh.

 

I mean just the fact that he was with other people more than he was with one of us was a problem.

 

And when two parents are exhausted from working all day they're not paying attention so much to the child's homework and progress at school. They're concentrating on getting dinner on the table, homework completed (but not always checked), bathtime, etc. etc. It's a big rush job. There's zero "quality time" with that kind of rushed time.

 

SB, yes one of you IF one of you has to work, will kind of get short-changed as far as time with the kids go.

 

But is it better to have two parents who can only give 50% of their time and effort or one who can give 100% and the other 50%?

 

Which is better...150% or 100%?

 

Why settle for less than you have to?

 

And I'm not saying that is your situation I'm only talking about those people who claim they don't have to work but still choose to when they have kids. It makes zero sense to me.

[Trialbyfire]

And when two parents are exhausted from working all day they're not paying attention so much to the child's homework and progress at school. They're concentrating on getting dinner on the table, homework completed (but not always checked), bathtime, etc. etc. It's a big rush job. There's zero "quality time" with that kind of rushed time.

Not if they don't have to do domestic chores...

[amaysngrace]

SB if your husband is a teacher that is perfect. You really couldn't ask for a better arrangement. 20 hours a week is nothing. That amounts to four hours a day during a typical workweek. There are twenty more in the same day and weekends are free.

 

When my son was three I put him in pre-school on purpose. His dad and I had a troubled marriage and we separated often. I was and still am a SAHM. If I needed to go somewhere without my children I noticed my son was anxious about my leaving him. He was developing an unhealthy attachment due to the times his dad would leave and then be gone. That's why I placed him in pre-school. Three days a week for three hours at a time my son would have to say good-bye to me and then he'd see me come get him.

 

Touche I know what you mean about the children who stayed all day. I purposely chose a school where they offered three hour sessions. I knew that the parents in my children's class were home. They couldn't have done those hours otherwise. Mostly I chose that school so my children wouldn't be exposed to sick children.

 

You'd be surprised how many parents send the kids to school sick because they can't afford to miss work. It's sad. Oh no you wouldn't...you're a mom.

[Touche]

Not if they don't have to do domestic chores...

 

I get it. Hire a maid to do them because the extra hour or so you'll get with your child after work will make ALL the difference I'm sure.

 

Look, I really don't want to get in an argument about this.

 

I have my thoughts and opinions on this. I mean I've been a SAH AND a working mom.

 

You not only haven't been a mom, you also have no experience being a SAH or a working mom. So this is just silly.

 

Please do get back to us when you've experienced it for yourself, ok?

 

In the meantime, I admire those smart and capable men and women who make the choice to raise their kids themselves. Is that so wrong?

 

If bonding and being with your child wasn't important then why do companies and governments support those decisions? Why would they pay for it?

 

I think your country is actually a little more advanced in that area. Aren't Canadian fathers and mothers supported longer than their American counterparts as far as maternity/paternity leave?

 

Both governments do support maternity leave though. Why is that? Why shouldn't babies be put in daycare the second they pop out of the mother's womb?

 

Do you really think 3 months or 6 months "bonds" a child to their parents enough to make a long-term difference in their lives?

 

How ridiculous is that?

 

Obviously our governments and private businesses even believe that there's something to all of this. That children and parents should bond. They back it up with $$$$ don't they?

 

They're just mistaken in the belief that a few months is enough. Or maybe they hope that by "giving" its citizens that opportunity they'll discover on their own how crucial raising one's own kids really is. How it benefits not only families but whole societies.

 

That only 3 to 6 months full-time with your child is a joke.

[sb129]

Thanks amaysn. Thats what we thought- 20 hours of childcare is acceptable to us, and every six weeks my H will have a week or two off.

40+ hours of childcare a week plus limited holidays would definitely make us think about one of us giving up work.- but that is not our situation.

We have also decided that if I do go back to work, that will enable us to pay for someone to do some of the housework, so that our time off isn't completely taken up with this.

 

Obviously the best laid plans and all that, but we are trying to eliminate as much stress as possible by talking about things before they happen and planning etc.

We are already saving money to help us through the time that I am not working.

 

Its actually really nice to be able to talk about this with H. Its exciting!

 

My boss has already let me know that she is pretty flexible about things if I have a baby, so hopefully things work out for the best all round.

[Trialbyfire]

Touche, just add up all the hours you spend cooking, cleaning and doing other things that have nothing to do with your son. When you're done doing that, tell me how many hours you truly spend with your son, doing things with him. Just being a warm body at home, is far from being a good nvm a great mother.

[Dumbledore]

Some people are missing the point. The key thing is being accessible. You have to be around when they need you for guidance and support.

[amaysngrace]

Obviously the best laid plans and all that, but we are trying to eliminate as much stress as possible by talking about things before they happen and planning etc.

We are already saving money to help us through the time that I am not working.

 

Its actually really nice to be able to talk about this with H. Its exciting!

 

It is exciting. It's good you guys planned. It's the way it should be done. I'm with Touche on this...you sound wiser than your years by a lot. You seem like a very together lady.

 

[sb129]

Some people are missing the point. The key thing is being accessible. You have to be around when they need you for guidance and support.

 

Its quite nice to see you being so thoughtful and wise Dumbledore.

[sb129]

It is exciting. It's good you guys planned. It's the way it should be done. I'm with Touche on this...you sound wiser than your years by a lot. You seem like a very together lady.

 

 

 

Thank you very much although I suspect you may think I am younger than I am? Most of my friends who are the same age (early 30s) as me have/ had a similar approach to this.

 

I am not a spring chicken in childbearing age- here in NZ pregnant women over 30 have to have extra tests to make sure their babies are healthy.

Whoopee, something else to look forward to!

[amaysngrace]

I am not a spring chicken in childbearing age- here in NZ pregnant women over 30 have to have extra tests to make sure their babies are healthy.

 

I am not sure about the age for testing here. I think it's 35?

[Touche]

Touche I know what you mean about the children who stayed all day. I purposely chose a school where they offered three hour sessions. I knew that the parents in my children's class were home. They couldn't have done those hours otherwise. Mostly I chose that school so my children wouldn't be exposed to sick children.

 

You'd be surprised how many parents send the kids to school sick because they can't afford to miss work. It's sad. Oh no you wouldn't...you're a mom.

 

Yep, you got it. I DO know. It's sad. Even in the best of the best of daycares you'd always see those sick kids. And those kids came from professional parents as well as from the blue collar ones. It made no difference. Many appeared sick a lot of the time and they often appeared to be needy and wanting affection. I can remember them being so pitiful and sad when I picked up our son. They would just crowd around me. It almost seemed like they wanted me to take them home with me. They would hug my legs. I'm not kidding.

 

And this was the best daycare place in our city. It's true. Not all daycares are rated but in our city they were. The one we sent our son to was the best of the best. And yet I still saw what I described.

 

TBF, keep repeating the same things over and over. You just will never get it. I just read your latest post. It's absurd.

 

Go back and read my post about my floor cleaning with our son when he was just a little tyke. It was a blast!

 

As for adding up cooking and cleaning time etc. that have nothing to do with our son as you say. Wrong. I clean when he's in school. I also get my office work done then.

 

When he gets out of school he sometimes helps me cook. He's almost 13 and has taken an interest in outdoor grilling. Just the other day after school he asked to light the grill and put the spices on our dinner. He loved it. He manned the grill. I told Mr. T that little T made our dinner and our son was beaming!

 

And after school when he comes through the door, guess what? I'M HERE! We talk about his day, go over homework, etc. etc.

 

It's funny that you think I'm just a "warm body." I think our son would beg to differ with you.

 

It's like someone else on here said. If I wasn't home when he comes home from school who would he talk to? His "caregivers?" And then do you really think they're going to talk to you about their day in any meaningful way? Uhm..nope. They'll give to those who are there for them. They'll confide in them.

 

Our son tells me things that he asks me not to tell his own dad. It's true. When I ask him why he won't tell dad he can never tell me why. Eventually I convince him that it's ok but the reason he feels that he can confide in me is that I'M HERE for him whenever he's not in school. I ask questions. I'm involved. I know all his friends' names. I know about his latest crush. Why? Because I care and more importantly because I have and take the time to care.

I know what's giving him trouble in school and I know what excites him and keeps him interested.

 

I know when he's veering off course. And I know when an innocent question is a huge opportunity for me to teach him something important.

 

I don't trust anyone other than Mr. T or me to impart those values. I don't want anyone other than the two of us to spend more time with him than we do.

 

Why is that so wrong in your eyes?

[Trialbyfire]

I'm entitled to my opinion, as you're entitled to your opinion. You can posture all you want about what a GREAT mother you believe you are, but that doesn't change the fact that other women, in all kinds of circumstances, are probably better mothers, regardless of the time spent at home.

[Touche]

I'm entitled to my opinion, as you're entitled to your opinion.

 

Agreed.

 

You can posture all you want about what a GREAT mother you believe you are, but that doesn't change the fact that other women, in all kinds of circumstances, are probably better mothers, regardless of the time spent at home.

 

"Regardless of the time spent at home?" Nope. I doubt it. The time spent at home directly impacts on the kind of parent you are. I've said it before and I'll say it again.

 

Oh and I don't posture. I walk the walk, honey.

 

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one!

[Trialbyfire]

"Regardless of the time spent at home?" Nope. I doubt it. The time spent at home directly impacts on the kind of parent you are. I've said it before and I'll say it again.

 

Oh and I don't posture. I walk the walk, honey.

 

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one!

Do you really walk the walk? Be honest with yourself.

 

Agreed!

[amaysngrace]

Do you really walk the walk? Be honest with yourself.

 

Agreed!

 

TBF did your mom work? You never did answer that. Just wondering.

 

Nevermind. I think I already know.

[Trialbyfire]

TBF did your mom work? You never did answer that. Just wondering.

 

Nevermind. I think I already know.

My mother didn't work but she had four kids to handle. A little different than one or two.

 

Edit - I should clarify that she did work when we got older.

[sb129]

I am not a fan of daycare either, although I know that the ones around where I live don't let you send your kid there if they are sick, if the kids turns up sick they make you come pick them up.

[amaysngrace]

My mother didn't work but she had four kids to handle. A little different than one or two.

 

Families were bigger then yes but family values haven't changed. If given the choice most moms would choose to stay home. At least I'd like to think they would.

[Touche]

Do you really walk the walk? Be honest with yourself.

 

Agreed!

 

Yes, I really do walk the walk. Our son's friends' parents always tell us how wonderful he is. He's polite, respectful and a delight. I'm not kidding. They tell us this.

 

Even the teachers in whose classes he's goofing off (math for one) say he's a delight and always respectful.

 

I'm proud of that. And yes, again I'm not perfect but yes, I'm a GREAT mother! I am. The proof is in the pudding.

 

Even my stepson (who was 7 when his dad and I got together and is now almost 22) says what a great stepmom I've been.

 

I'm far, far from perfect. I do have my faults but I know I'm a great mom (and stepmom).

 

So to answer your question, yes. I do walk the walk.

 

And I have a funny feeling that one day you will see things as I see them vis-a-vis this issue.

[Trialbyfire]

Families were bigger then yes but family values haven't changed. If given the choice most moms would choose to stay home. At least I'd like to think they would.

I will be a working mother albeit at home since I'm self-employed. This will include a nanny and domestic help.

 

And I have a funny feeling that one day you will see things as I see them vis-a-vis this issue.

I doubt it. Our concepts of a GREAT mother are very different.

[Touche]

My mother didn't work but she had four kids to handle. A little different than one or two.

 

Edit - I should clarify that she did work when we got older.

 

Hahaha! I just saw this. Why am I not surprised? Very interesting.

 

Oh and nope...one or two or 3 or 4..not much difference really. The concept is the same. She was THERE for you. Whether you had 6 other siblings or NO siblings.

 

This is rich.

[sb129]

I am not a fan of daycare either, although I know that the ones around where I live don't let you send your kid there if they are sick, if the kids turns up sick they make you come pick them up.

[amaysngrace]

I will be a working mother albeit at home since I'm self-employed. This will include a nanny and domestic help.

 

Hmm...I see Junior throwing a fit for mommy if you are in the house and say to him "No mommy needs to work. Go be with Nanny".

 

[Touche]

I will be a working mother albeit at home since I'm self-employed. This will include a nanny and domestic help.

 

Hilarious!

 

 

I doubt it. Our concepts of a GREAT mother are very different.

 

Again, you have zero concept of what makes me a GREAT mother. None. Zip, nada. You have NO idea what I think makes a great mother.

 

You are right however that our concepts are probably very different.

 

HINT: An absent mother, whether at home or not, is still an absent mother.