Career VS Family

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know what you mean there?

If fathers throughout the ages don't get up in the middle of the night, why not mothers? Appalling concept? Nope.

[Touche]

Leaving the breastfeeding issue aside, does any part of you... feel... bad (for lack of a better word) at the thought of having a non-parent or non-close family member coming to your child's side each time s/he cries out because you can't be bothered to get out of bed? I understand the nanny taking care of the child for all purposes when you're working or out of the house or whathaveyou, but to me, the very essence of mothering is getting up to tend to a crying child, as much of a pain in the rump that might be.

 

I know if that if I was in bed at night crying, whether at 3 months, 3 years, or even 13, I'd "want my mommy." (Sometimes I still do. )

 

But I'm not a mother and it will be a LONG time before that ever happens, so perhaps I don't really know what I'm talking about.

 

Good question above.

 

Totally agreed with the other bolded statement.

 

Sounds like you'll make a great mother.

 

Oh and just for the record, some men DO get up at night to soothe the baby. Mr. T did at times.

 

I just don't get that...so if fathers don't mothers shouldn't? HUH? So who should do it...a stranger?

 

I mean if dads don't then the moms do it. At least it's a parent.

[Star Gazer]

If fathers throughout the ages don't get up in the middle of the night, why not mothers? Appalling concept? Nope.

 

Well, fathers didn't, but the mothers did. If the mothers didn't, but the fathers did, that would be okay by me.

 

But if a parent didn't get up, and let a stranger do it... That worries me. Personally.

[Trialbyfire]

Well, fathers didn't, but the mothers did. If the mothers didn't, but the fathers did, that would be okay by me.

 

But if a parent didn't get up, and let a stranger do it... That worries me. Personally.

That's your perspective. Which is fine.

 

For me, until it happens, it's all about a freedom of choice. I might or might not. If I don't, it will be because I made that choice. If I do, it will once again be my choice to do so. In either scenario, there will be no guilt or shame. It's a choice made so I bear the responsibility for it.

[Star Gazer]

Sounds like you'll make a great mother.

 

I sure hope so. It's a terrifying thought though. I really don't know how I'll do both. Part of my career will HAVE to give. I sure hope when I'm ready that my firm will allow me to work PT or something...

 

Ugh. Not thinking about it.

[Star Gazer]

That's your perspective. Which is fine.

 

For me, until it happens, it's all about a freedom of choice. I might or might not. If I don't, it will be because I made that choice. If I do, it will once again be my choice to do so. In either scenario, there will be no guilt or shame. It's a choice made so I bear the responsibility for it.

 

I understand what you're saying, and again, no guilt is coming from me.

 

I think (and again I say this not being a mother myself) that whatever decision you (or anyone else) makes will likely be made (and possibly later changed!) due to the guilt you'll impose on yourself. They say the life of a mother is one of guilt... you'll never feel like you're doing enough.

 

Hence why I'm dreading the experience! LOL

[Trialbyfire]

I understand what you're saying, and again, no guilt is coming from me.

 

I think (and again I say this not being a mother myself) that whatever decision you (or anyone else) makes will likely be made (and possibly later changed!) due to the guilt you'll impose on yourself. They say the life of a mother is one of guilt... you'll never feel like you're doing enough.

 

Hence why I'm dreading the experience! LOL

That's just it. I rarely feel guilt because when I do something important, it's rarely without A LOT of analysis. If for some reason I do feel anything beyond okay with the decision, I'll do something about it immediately. If action isn't taken, this means I've accepted the conscious choice and are proceeding forward. Don't know if that makes sense or not.

 

Haha...no need to dread something that will probably be the most amazing experience of your life! Don't let the doom-tiders make you believe that motherhood is solely about martyr-dom. It's not.

[Touche]

I sure hope so. It's a terrifying thought though. I really don't know how I'll do both. Part of my career will HAVE to give. I sure hope when I'm ready that my firm will allow me to work PT or something...

 

Ugh. Not thinking about it.

 

Don't worry, you'll figure it out when the time comes.

 

The PT thing was weird for me. I might as well have been working full-time for all the time it took to get ready for work, the drive, etc.

 

You really don't know what you're capable of/not capable of doing until you're in the situation.

 

I found it nearly impossible to do both well. Either home life/child-rearing suffered or my work.

 

In the end I knew what I had to do.

 

But yeah, you never really know what feels right until it happens and then you will know. It's a good idea to discuss all scenarios with your SO beforehand.

[amaysngrace]

This brand of snobbery thrives on personalising the issues, and asserting a misguided sense of narcissistic superiority.

 

Some posters simply cannot accept any point of view other than their own, and are driven to discredit any challenge to their veneer of superiority. When an ego gets out of control, it needs constant feeding.

 

True.

 

I see it for something else though. I see it as these posters having nothing but a career. No wonder why they think so highly of themselves about it. It's all they've got in this whole wide world.

 

When their lives have more depth and meaning hopefully they will see it all differently.

 

Or money may still be what determines their worth. How pathetic to be them.

[Dumbledore]

I see it for something else though. I see it as these posters having nothing but a career. No wonder why they think so highly of themselves about it. It's all they've got in this whole wide world.

 

When their lives have more depth and meaning hopefully they will see it all differently.

For people who don't yet have their own family, life is about building an empire. But it's a hollow, meaningless empire. Or, at least, that's what they'll discover when they have children. There's nothing that can compare to the experience of being a parent, and it's the only true way to awaken a pure, innocent love and devotion which exudes from every pore in your body.

 

People who look down at others with "jobs," and claim they are so much better because of their "career," are arrogant, pompously conceited narcissists. They don't realise that everybody with a "career" is dispensable. Denigrating others is just another way of feeding their enormous ego.

[Touche]

Guilt and the idea that guilt comes with the territory of being a parent has been brought up. Any parent who doesn't have guilt is one who isn't a good parent in my book.

 

Guilt usually spurs us on to do better. It's like a way of keeping us in check.

 

It’s easy to see guilt as a negative emotion, because it feels bad,’ says Roy Baumeister, a psychology professor at Harvard University and co-author of the research study Guilt: An Interpersonal Approach. ‘Our culture has shifted towards a do-whatever-feels-good society. But if guilt were only bad, we probably wouldn’t have it. Like pain, guilt is there to alert a person that something is wrong.’

 

I say a parent who NEVER experiences guilt is not a good (never mind great) parent.

 

Ask any parent who you admire, if they ever feel guilt. Betcha, most (if not all) do.

 

Good post Amay. I agree. It's like that expression I brought up earlier about when you're on your deathbed. Which would you have changed...more time at the office or more time with your family?

 

Unfortunately, some people don't realize these things until it's too late.

[MindoverMatter]

Just to add: both my parents worked, one is a gp, the other an engineer and whether you consider those fields career-worthy or not is none of my concern. I didn't grow up in the US of A, nor did we live in a democratic country, so giving up a job wasn't a possibility.

I grew up in childcare, with the assistence of grandparents now and then and very independently from a very young age. I have very fond memories of my childhood and some not so fond ones, as does everybody.

I love my parents, they surely were not perfect, but I wouldn't change them for anything in the world.

But I know that they feel guilty about some things and on top of that list is the time that didn't spend with their children when they grew up. I can accept that. I know that being a working parent comes with a price. Those that think that parenthood is the one thing in the universe that has no consequences for yourself seem delusional to me.

[amaysngrace]

Guilt and the idea that guilt comes with the territory of being a parent has been brought up. Any parent who doesn't have guilt is one who isn't a good parent in my book.

 

Guilt usually spurs us on to do better. It's like a way of keeping us in check.

 

I say a parent who NEVER experiences guilt is not a good (never mind great) parent.

 

Ask any parent who you admire, if they ever feel guilt. Betcha, most (if not all) do.

 

I totally feel you here.

 

Again I think you need to be a parent to fully appreciate that. We always want to do better for our kids.

 

Some parents-to-be get it too. SB and Star both sound like they have greatness inside themselves and other non-parents as well. Like the OP and even dumbledore (who'd of thunk it?) to name some more.

 

But those other posters who are clueless sound foolish to me. They sound as if they want to be part of the club but they lack the references. Therefore access to membership is denied.

 

All emotions are healthy if they are in balance. Suppressing emotion is not natural. You may as well be a drone.

 

But you are right. Emotions are check points. A balanced person uses them to their benefit. People who suppress them usually have them show themselves in other ways and it's usually not pretty.

[Touche]

Yes, and the total absence of guilt in a parent in my book, wouldn't be normal.

 

I mean how does a person lie in bed while hearing their baby cry and let someone else who isn't a parent comfort that baby? What thought process must one have to not feel guilt over THAT? I can't for the life of me imagine.

 

Why even have kids?...get a dog or something.

 

"Mommy, mommy I fell off the monkey bars and hurt my knee. Can you kiss it and put a bandaid on it?"

 

"Not now honey. I've got a deadline and must get this project done. Go tell Inga. Be a good girl and run along now dear. "

[Touche]

"OMG, not again! INGA! Will you please get the baby settled down? I've got an early morning East coast conference call and need my sleep. INGA!!!! Honey, maybe we should move the nursery downstairs or even to the guest house. What do you think? It's not all that drafty out there I don't think."

[amaysngrace]

"OMG, not again! INGA! Will you please get the baby settled down? I've got an early morning East coast conference call and need my sleep. INGA!!!! Honey, maybe we should move the nursery downstairs or even to the guest house. What do you think? It's not all that drafty out there I don't think."

 

OMG too funny.

[grogster]

Becoming a parent is life's greatest transformative event. You're never the same afterwards. Never. Sex and Religion don't come close.

 

My kids are now 21 and 19, and I think about them every day. I have a wonderful career, but I would never trade my career for my children. Until I descend into dementia, my happiest memories will be playing with action figures with my 4-year old son every night, and reading "Where's Spot" to my 6-year old daughter.

 

While marriages don't necessarily last, your children do until your last dying breath.

[Touche]

OMG too funny.

 

It would be funny if this weren't really some people's reality. Sadly, it is though.

 

"Inga, did you read Junior his bedtime story yet? I want him in bed early tonight so I don't have any distractions. I must finish that spreadsheet."

 

"Darling, did you find out anything about the soundproofing for the nursery? Surely there must be something out there to drown out that racket every night."

[Touche]

Becoming a parent is life's greatest transformative event. You're never the same afterwards. Never. Sex and Religion don't come close.

 

My kids are now 21 and 19, and I think about them every day. I have a wonderful career, but I would never trade my career for my children. Until I descend into dementia, my happiest memories will be playing with action figures with my 4-year old son every night, and reading "Where's Spot" to my 6-year old daughter.

 

While marriages don't necessarily last, your children do until your last dying breath.

 

Right. And "careers" don't necessarily last either. They can get stale, they change, they die..etc.

[amaysngrace]

It would be funny if this weren't really some people's reality. Sadly, it is though.

 

"Inga, did you read Junior his bedtime story yet? I want him in bed early tonight so I don't have any distractions. I must finish that spreadsheet."

 

"Darling, did you find out anything about the soundproofing for the nursery? Surely there must be something out there to drown out that racket every night."

 

"Damn that Inga. She isn't doing what I am paying her for and I need to find a replacement ASAP. I will let her finish her daily tasks for today though. Not so she isn't rattled around the child but because I just cannot do this today. Tomorrow is too important".

[Touche]

"Damn that Inga. She isn't doing what I am paying her for and I need to find a replacement ASAP. I will let her finish her daily tasks for today though. Not so she isn't rattled around the child but because I just cannot do this today. Tomorrow is too important".

 

"I just don't get it. I had her thoroughly checked out through inside sources. Oh well...I have no guilt over this. I did my homework. Hopefully the next one won't be such a dud. "

[Taramere]

as a bystander reading this thread I would have to agree with this statement, loveshack isn't a place for someone to come and beat up on others to make yourself feel better and from the 18 pages I have read that seems to be what has happened throughout this thread.

 

Seems so.

 

Not being a parent, I'm not really qualfied to comment...self-denigrating, humble stance etc etc. But I like to comment - so of course I will.

 

I hope the parents on here have the discipline and maturity not to bitch in front of their kids in the manner that's going on here. Some of you with daughters might consider, though, the possibility that they won't go on to have children. Maybe they'll contribute in other ways. Daughter A might become a paediatrician, daughter B might become a child psychologist, daughter C might devote a large chunk of her life to working with difficult or disadvantaged children.

 

Will you also denigrate them in any discussion about children, and tell them that they're not qualified to comment?

[amaysngrace]

"I just don't get it. I had her thoroughly checked out through inside sources. Oh well...I have no guilt over this. I did my homework. Hopefully the next one won't be such a dud. "

 

(meanwhile both Inga and child cry as they say good-bye as they share a special bond)

 

Child is sad and is crying "Inga Inga" so mother introduces her to her new nanny who is waiting in the wings to comfort her.

[amaysngrace]

Will you also denigrate them in any discussion about children, and tell them that they're not qualified to comment?

 

How is a child psychologist or a pediatrician unqualified? I think it would be out of line to make that statement to educated professionals. I'd listen to what they had to say personally.

 

But it comes down to respecting the opinion of the person saying it Taramere.

 

And it also follows the golden rule. Well okay not really because that isn't what that rule is intended for but I'd like to think that if someone can sit in their ivory tower of judgment and throw dirt onto others they should be prepared for some to take it upon themselves to throw mud back.

 

Everyone has a breaking point and we can only stay silent for so long unless we are either Ghandi or dead inside.

 

I admit I am neither.

[Touche]

(meanwhile both Inga and child cry as they say good-bye as they share a special bond)

 

Child is sad and is crying "Inga Inga" so mother introduces her to her new nanny who is waiting in the wings to comfort her.

 

Good point. How do they do it? I couldn't imagine letting my child (at such an early age) bond with someone who may not be around for long.

 

"Forget Inga, Junior. Marie-Claire here will take good care of you while Mommy pursues her career."