Sister just got beat up by BF

[robkris8079]

Well I just got a call saying my sister was put in the hospital by her BF last night. My sister's BF is a heroin addict. He has been on and off it I guess forever. Apparently last night my sister got fed up with his drug habbit and tried to throw away his stash. Well I guess he beat her right infront of the kids. One is 2 the other 12.

 

Currently the kids are with thier grandma, my sis is in court getting restraining order, and he is in jail.

 

Reason I'm posting is because my brother called me saying how he wants to beat him up. I guess this is a normal reaction and seemingly justified this time. But I don't feel this way? I'm more upset that my sister keeps going back to this ass over and over. He never did this before but there had been other altercations and everyone knew this day was inevitable.

 

So is there something wrong with me? Do I not care? I love my sister and my nephews. But I guess after years of similar stuff happening to her with different people maybe I'm desensitized? BTW my father, who also was a drug addict use to beat on our mom. Why these things repeat themselves is beyond me.

[Trialbyfire]

People recreate or are desensitized to foundational environments. Your sister picked an abusive man, because that's what she grew up with. Abuse/drama = love. You are desensitized because you watched it happening to your mother.

 

Whether this is a self-protection mechanism or desensitization, only you can answer this. If you can't find the answer within yourself, it might be time to consider discussing it with a professional.

[2sure]

No! There is nothing wrong with you. She needs to know you expect more for her and her kids. She needs to see that she is contributing to her own lifestyle. Your frustration can have impact!! She needs you, dont walk away, dont turn away. Stay in her face. Support her, offer her HELP along with your anger.

[SierraRose]

I don't think that it's b/c you don't care, I think you KNOW there is nothing you can do. She has to want change in her life. The saddest part, is it's the children who are suffering.

I know the cycle of abuse. Unless she is willing to break the cycle, it will continue. She needs to come to the realization she can not "save" him or change him. Statistics say a victim of domestic violence will leave the abuser 7-8 times before they end the cycle for good.

I don't know her past with him; however, don't be shocked if she never gets to TRO. Don't be shocked if by the end of the week she drops it and bails him out. He will cry, he will apologize and give a thousand reasons why he hit her;drugs, etc... She will believe the lies and take him back. It will be quiet for a bit, then it will start all over again. First verbal, yelling, blaming--then the physical..I can assure you next time the abuse will be worse.

The best thing she can do is get the RO, get into counseling a.s.a.p. and stay away far away from him. The best thing the family can do is let her know she is loved and be there for support.

[Trialbyfire]

robkris, one test for yourself is to look at your own history. Have you ever had a deep, emotional, intimate relationship with anyone? Do you have very close friendships?

 

Different people react to abuse, different ways. Your brother is a fighter and is using his anger. When you were young, did your brother ever try to interfere in the abuse between your mother and father? Did you ever feel helpless, while watching it?

[amaysngrace]

I think you need to point out to her why these patterns repeat themselves. Give her a wakeup call. Let her see how she is allowing the same thing she went through as a child to replay itself in her children's lives.

 

Let her know if she stays she's sending them a message that it's okay. They will use drugs or be with partners who use.

 

Sometimes it takes seeing it from the childs perspective to make us get ourselves out of a bad situation that we think only has an effect on us.

 

She may or may not know it's not good enough for her but she definitely knows it's not good enough for her children.

[quankanne]

RK, I hate to say this, but until your sister gets her head together and figures out that she's going nowhere by being in these kinds of relationships, she's doomed to keep repeating them no matter what anyone says.

 

something TBF has suddenly opened my eyes to a family member's situation with her abusive marriage: Abuse/drama = love. This girl believes her parents didn't love her because they divorced; because her mother worked hard to support two children, Mama didn't love her enough to stay home or cut back her hours. Suddenly, she's got this asswipe who knocks her up, tells her that it's sinful to have a baby out of wedlock and cons her into marriage; immediately knocks her up again, and starts abusing her along the way. She won't divorce him because he's convinced her that "divorce is a stigma on the children" and besides, Jesus wouldn't like it (never mind the fact that Jesus doesn't particularly like him abusing her and the kids).

 

do what you can for the kids, but don't expect anything to change as far as your sister's concerned.

Abuse/drama = love in her book, so why should she want to not stay in a marriage where she's receiving attention, even if it IS negative? My guess is that your sister's brain works along the same lines ...