Need a reality check...

[BCCA]

Hey all, for those that dont know my story, I was basically with a girl for 5 years. About a year and a half ago, we broke up for a couple months (she initiated it) got back together, and she ended it with me in August of this year.

 

We hadnt spoken/emailed/texted in about 2.5 months until Thanksgiving, when she sent me a text and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. We went for a walk, and decided to get lunch the next day. So we ate lunch, did a little shopping, and said our goodbyes. I somewhat instinctively gave her a peck on the lips, she kissed back, but it wasnt like we were making out.

 

Sunday, I gave her a call to say hi, and said I was free today or tomorrow this week if she wanted to have dinner. She chose today, and shes making me dinner. Im heading over to her place after work. I mentioned bringing a movie, and she said sure - lets do dinner and a movie. She hasnt told me whats shes making yet, its a surprise

 

So, Im trying not to get any hopes up, and part of me doesnt know what to think, but I figured LS was the best place to get some objective insight.

 

Thoughts/tips/suggestions welcome...

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know if you recall what I posted back when in one of your threads but remember, assertiveness, okay? You matter too. Good luck!

[BCCA]

I don't know if you recall what I posted back when in one of your threads but remember, assertiveness, okay? You matter too. Good luck!

 

Thanks! I definitely remember what you said before, and I have been working on it. Truth be told, I could make time on several other days this week, but it's just better for me that its today or tomorrow. I just put it out there as if you want to see me this week, its today or tomorrow.

 

Not to sound silly, but dinner and a movie = date, correct?

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks! I definitely remember what you said before, and I have been working on it. Truth be told, I could make time on several other days this week, but it's just better for me that its today or tomorrow. I just put it out there as if you want to see me this week, its today or tomorrow.

 

Not to sound silly, but dinner and a movie = date, correct?

Second chances/might not be second chances are weird. You have to play it by ear so you don't push her too fast.

 

Having said that, make the assumption that it is a date, if that's how you want to view it. You could throw out some one-liners about it being a date and watch her reaction. It never hurts to get a heads up, before taking a definitive course of action.

[BCCA]

You're definitely right, they can be weird. I don't want to jump to label anything, because truth be told, this is going to have to go at a snail's pace for me just because of the way things are. With that said, I dont make dinner for just anyone, so we'll see what she has in mind.

 

As far as I'm concerned, its a date, and we'll see what happens. I don't want to mention anything about us first, because she needs to be the one who wants to have that discussion or its pointless. And if nothing comes of it, at least I got a free meal out of it.

[samspade]

BCCA, you usually post spot-on advice regarding these kinds of things. I know it's always muddier when you're the one in the situation, though.

 

What are your expectations?

 

I think you should tread carefully and take some cues from her. You know how foolish you'll feel if you overreach and she's not on the same page. She'll send you signals if she wants to.

[BCCA]

BCCA, you usually post spot-on advice regarding these kinds of things. I know it's always muddier when you're the one in the situation, though.

 

What are your expectations?

 

I think you should tread carefully and take some cues from her. You know how foolish you'll feel if you overreach and she's not on the same page. She'll send you signals if she wants to.

 

It's hard to give yourself advice, and it's even harder to make sure you arent just telling yourself what you want to hear. Thats why I put myself out there to the mercy of the LS posters - at least I can count on you guys for honesty.

 

My expectations, as of right now, are to go and have dinner and have a good time. If she kicks me out after we eat, at least I didnt have to find something to eat on my own lol If we end up watching a movie, sleep together, or whatever else - great, but no expectations. I think my advantage here is that Im honestly not interested in jumping back into anything, so Im just going to kind of take things as they come. I'll try not to overreach, but Im going to be assertive. If she turns me away, no huge loss there.

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but you have to be smart about it.

 

Thanks!

[northstar1]

Thanks! I definitely remember what you said before, and I have been working on it. Truth be told, I could make time on several other days this week, but it's just better for me that its today or tomorrow. I just put it out there as if you want to see me this week, its today or tomorrow.

 

Not to sound silly, but dinner and a movie = date, correct?

 

 

BCCA, you've been a measure of logic and good advice to many on here over the past few months.

The best thing I can offer is to go back and read your own posts - that will be all the clarity you need on Second Chances.

[BCCA]

BCCA, you've been a measure of logic and good advice to many on here over the past few months.

The best thing I can offer is to go back and read your own posts - that will be all the clarity you need on Second Chances.

 

Funny you mention that, that's actually where I started this morning. Still, I felt like I would throw the situation out there and see what people thought.

 

I would consider myself optimistically gaurded at this point. I dont want to view things too negatively, becuase you create a self-fulfilling prophecy of bad things happening. I'm also not going to leave myself wide open, either.

 

I'm sure I'll have more to add tomorrow morning...

[Sysyphus28]

It's hard to give yourself advice, and it's even harder to make sure you arent just telling yourself what you want to hear. Thats why I put myself out there to the mercy of the LS posters - at least I can count on you guys for honesty.

 

My expectations, as of right now, are to go and have dinner and have a good time. If she kicks me out after we eat, at least I didnt have to find something to eat on my own lol If we end up watching a movie, sleep together, or whatever else - great, but no expectations. I think my advantage here is that Im honestly not interested in jumping back into anything, so Im just going to kind of take things as they come. I'll try not to overreach, but Im going to be assertive. If she turns me away, no huge loss there.

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but you have to be smart about it.

 

Thanks!

 

Good luck. Chill out. relax. be a friend. Don't try anything sexy. Don't talk about the past. Tell her you have been doing great. Don't exagerate your accomlishments. be honest if you have been dating, it will show her you are confident and attractive. Don't play yourself out, ask alot of questions, let her talk,

GOod luck man

 

!!

[Trialbyfire]

Neither haranguing or ignoring the big white elephant works. Address issues in bite size pieces as they arise. Avoid escalation or finger-pointing.

[northstar1]

Funny you mention that, that's actually where I started this morning. Still, I felt like I would throw the situation out there and see what people thought.

 

I would consider myself optimistically gaurded at this point. I dont want to view things too negatively, becuase you create a self-fulfilling prophecy of bad things happening. I'm also not going to leave myself wide open, either.

 

I'm sure I'll have more to add tomorrow morning...

 

Well, from my memory, this girl has broken up with you twice in the past year or so, and treated you rather harshly on the last one. If I am wrong, please accept my apologies. You've used NC as way to get back your confidence and get over her.

 

Maybe this girl is looking for a friendship, maybe she is looking for more. But, ask yourself, as you've asked many others - do you want to really go down this road again and make yourself vulnerable to her again. Not to be dramatic here, but do you want to offer up your heart on a platter for her again?

 

Just please think about this. I understand the intrigue of a 2nd, or 3rd chance, but think about it.

[L-FUZZ]

what id i tell yah!

 

hmm bcca i think it was you that said "we just have to stop are ex's from having a third chance"

 

not that i still dont secretly wish for my third chance.. BUt mainly so i can have my pride back and be like "SEE you ADMIT YOU MADE a MISTAKE!! YES!

ha ha id love that moment to happen..

 

I hope it feels great for you BCCA! im envious!!

 

but heed your own words that you seem to write all the time to everyone posting.. i dont think i have to tell you ..

 

proceed with great caution my friend!!

[BCCA]

what id i tell yah!

 

hmm bcca i think it was you that said "we just have to stop are ex's from having a third chance"

 

not that i still dont secretly wish for my third chance.. BUt mainly so i can have my pride back and be like "SEE you ADMIT YOU MADE a MISTAKE!! YES!

ha ha id love that moment to happen..

 

I hope it feels great for you BCCA! im envious!!

 

but heed your own words that you seem to write all the time to everyone posting.. i dont think i have to tell you ..

 

proceed with great caution my friend!!

 

Oh trust me, I've thought about everything I've told others, went over a lot of my posts, and did a lot of reflection over the last couple of days. I finally just put this post up because I feel like I deserve to have you all give me some of the tough love I've given out over the last few months.

 

Like I said, I think tomorrow I'll have a lot more to say, so stay tuned

[stoneymirror]

don't you feel like you might be setting yourself up to get hurt again?

 

And how did you handle the breakup to begin with? Did you call, or just went NC?

 

I also broke up with my ex last yr and ended up gettin back together up until a few weeks ago where she dumped me again. Hope everything does work out for you

[BCCA]

don't you feel like you might be setting yourself up to get hurt again?

 

And how did you handle the breakup to begin with? Did you call, or just went NC?

 

I also broke up with my ex last yr and ended up gettin back together up until a few weeks ago where she dumped me again. Hope everything does work out for you

 

Oh, I definitely have that in mind. I'm trying not to get too worked up over anything, but its nearly impossible to save yourself from the possibility of being hurt unless you just stay NC (which is why its such a great idea). I'm sure I'll be hurt if this turns out to be a waste of time, or goes sour. But I dont want any regrets, so I'm willing to take the risk.

 

I went NC. I didnt tell her I was doing it or make a production about it, but I backed off and let it be. A couple emails were exchanged about returning stuff, etc, but we were on a 2.5 break from any form of contact before I heard from her. I'll be honest, my attitude was somewhat 'whatever' during the breakup, because it annoyed me more than it hurt (or at least thats what I felt).

 

Everything will definitely work out just fine for me, it just might not be with her, and I'm totally ok with that (although obviously, it will suck a bit)

[foxh1234]

Hi BCCA, here is my opinion for what it's worth. I have been where you are now and I felt on top of the world. I thought we would start over again and things would be magic this time. It turns out for me that she just wanted to be friends. I was crushed and stopped the friendship right there. This was years and years ago but I still have not become friends with her.

 

If I were you I would enjoy the evening but at some point I would ask what it really means. I would want to know if she wants to try and rebuild a relationship or if I had reached the dreaded friendzone. Maybe friendship is OK with you, I don't know, but I would still want to know where I stand right now. If you two are on different pages it would be better to find out asap.

 

I hope things work out for you and please be careful, she has ripped your heart out before. I don't want it to happen again.

[BCCA]

Fox, thanks for the pointers man. I definitely know what you mean, I don't want to be friendzoned. I keep going over things in my mind like, I kissed her with no resistence and shes making me dinner later. Could be nothing, for sure, but I wont know if I dont find out.

 

Also, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place about bringing things up. Honestly, I dont know how I even feel about it right now, so my thought was to see how things go for a few weeks before making any decisions. Like someone else said, you cant ignore the elephant in the room, but focusing on it doesnt work either. Just take things how they come. I do want to know what her intentions are, but I want to make sure I know what I want to do first, if that makes any sense.

 

The next few hours are going to be the longest ones ever...

[foxh1234]

Fox, thanks for the pointers man. I definitely know what you mean, I don't want to be friendzoned. I keep going over things in my mind like, I kissed her with no resistence and shes making me dinner later. Could be nothing, for sure, but I wont know if I dont find out.

 

Also, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place about bringing things up. Honestly, I dont know how I even feel about it right now, so my thought was to see how things go for a few weeks before making any decisions. Like someone else said, you cant ignore the elephant in the room, but focusing on it doesnt work either. Just take things how they come. I do want to know what her intentions are, but I want to make sure I know what I want to do first, if that makes any sense.

 

The next few hours are going to be the longest ones ever...

 

I know what your saying but hear me out on this. Let's say things go great, and you continue to see her a few times each week over the next few weeks and all the while you grow more attached and become convinced that it will work and you two will be together again. Then she tells you what a great friend you are and you are crushed. I'm not saying that will happen but my point is it will hurt far less if you find out here and now what her intentions are. If she says she isn't sure and wants to see where it goes, great!. But if she tells you she really wantsyou as a good friend, you at least will know and save yourself the hurt. I don't mean this to sound bad but I don't give a crap about her feelings at this point, I'm only concerned with you protecting yourself from a woman who has dumped you before. Best of luck man, and keep what I have said in mind.

[stoneymirror]

Well this exact thing happened to me. She broke up with me, a month passed and we got back together for almost a full year and she did it to me again. Trust me it's an awful thing to have to go through. I wish you the best of luck with this, but I'm warning you right now. You could be setting yourself up for a huge letdown. It might just be her insecurities gettin the best of her. Who knows how she'll feel once you guys are back in full swing. Prolly the same way she had in the past and eventually those feelings she had when she initially broke up with you will probably come back. Tread lightly

[BCCA]

You make a great point. I guess I didnt think of it that way. I think I'll take your advice and try and find out what her angle is. I mean, if its see how things go, like you said - fine! But I dont want to waste any time, or more importantly - get emotionally attached, if its pointless.

 

I guess its fine to see how things go, and then maybe at the end of the night see where things stand. It is better to know now than later.

 

Thanks man, you've been a lot of help!

[foxh1234]

You make a great point. I guess I didnt think of it that way. I think I'll take your advice and try and find out what her angle is. I mean, if its see how things go, like you said - fine! But I dont want to waste any time, or more importantly - get emotionally attached, if its pointless.

 

I guess its fine to see how things go, and then maybe at the end of the night see where things stand. It is better to know now than later.

 

Thanks man, you've been a lot of help!

 

no prob bro, that's what we do here.

[Trialbyfire]

Keep in mind that some of you have been cheated on. BCCA has not been. Something broke them up twice. What was it and has BCCA addressed his issues with his ex addressing her issues? Only the two can answer that question. One size doesn't fit all.

 

He's going into this with a balanced approach, in that if it works, it works, if it doesn't, at least he has no regrets of what might have beens. As long as he's fully prepared for the consequences, eyes wide-open and doesn't have his expectation level high, he should come out of this okay. If nothing else, hopefully this will be the time to heal, be it finality for himself in that he's totally cured of her or by some very small chance, a real opportunity to make a go of it.

[Treasa]

Keep in mind that some of you have been cheated on. BCCA has not been. Something broke them up twice. What was it and has BCCA addressed his issues with his ex addressing her issues? Only the two can answer that question. One size doesn't fit all.

 

He's going into this with a balanced approach, in that if it works, it works, if it doesn't, at least he has no regrets of what might have beens. As long as he's fully prepared for the consequences, eyes wide-open and doesn't have his expectation level high, he should come out of this okay. If nothing else, hopefully this will be the time to heal, be it finality for himself in that he's totally cured of her or by some very small chance, a real opportunity to make a go of it.

 

Yup, I 100% agree with this.

[dead-dyke]

BCCA, I just want to say I hope all works out. Lets bump those statistics up a bit, huh?