Need a reality check...

[BCCA]

Long story short, it didn't work out so well. We hung out and everything was fine, and I kissed her...and things went bad. Basically, Fox was right...she was looking to just 'hang out'...which, to me, meant friends. She gave me some speach about how she has too much going on to be phsyical with anyone right now, and I was basically like, "I just got 'its not you its me'd".

 

She apparently cares for me, but also apparently didnt think much of us just hanging out, from time to time, without any discussion of us or intimacy. Yeah, sign me up for that! She admitted being selfish like it obsolved her of any responsibility. Unreal.

 

Well, unfortunately it looks like I won't be a success story. Just as well, at least I saw it out until the end.

[dead-dyke]

Sorry dude. I was hoping things would turn around for you.

[getbackwithex]

I'm new to this site and I guess you could say I have a similar situation with wanting to get back with an ex. I've read a lot of your posts in all kinds of scenerios and think you give great advice when it comes to other people's problems, but your judgement might be off kilter on your own feelings and emotions with wanting to get back together your ex.

 

Believe me I think second chances are possible and even think the relationship can be stronger than the first time. But I have to agree with Northstar1. If the two of you haven't been able to find common ground the second time, why would it be different a third time?

[BCCA]

I guess sometimes you just have to hit an emotional dead end with something before you can see what you've been doing. It's like, everything I've seen in other peoples situations - the using to feel better, the lack of concern, the selfishness - was right there in front of me. At least I was kind of cautious, although it still stings a little bit. I have no regrets, though, so I'm glad I saw it out.

[foxh1234]

I guess sometimes you just have to hit an emotional dead end with something before you can see what you've been doing. It's like, everything I've seen in other peoples situations - the using to feel better, the lack of concern, the selfishness - was right there in front of me. At least I was kind of cautious, although it still stings a little bit. I have no regrets, though, so I'm glad I saw it out.

 

Sorry it didn't work out B, at least you found out quickly. How they can dump us and expect us to be friends, I will never understand. Now start the healing and moving on. This might be the low point but it is onwards and upwards from here my friend. Chin up and you will find another girl 100 times better for you.

[Cub]

Man, that sucks, B. But you'll be a stronger dude for it, I guarantee, and you won't spend your days wondering what 'could' have been. Reflecting on possibilities is annoying.

[northstar1]

Long story short, it didn't work out so well. We hung out and everything was fine, and I kissed her...and things went bad. Basically, Fox was right...she was looking to just 'hang out'...which, to me, meant friends. She gave me some speach about how she has too much going on to be phsyical with anyone right now, and I was basically like, "I just got 'its not you its me'd".

 

She apparently cares for me, but also apparently didnt think much of us just hanging out, from time to time, without any discussion of us or intimacy. Yeah, sign me up for that! She admitted being selfish like it obsolved her of any responsibility. Unreal.

 

Well, unfortunately it looks like I won't be a success story. Just as well, at least I saw it out until the end.

 

Sorry to hear that man, but I give you props for wanting to see it through and have no doubts in your mind. NOw that you've seen her 'agenda', you can walk ahead with no regrets.

I'm not sure you can offer her just a platonic friendship right now, so maybe you need to go back to NC until sometime in the new year.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess sometimes you just have to hit an emotional dead end with something before you can see what you've been doing. It's like, everything I've seen in other peoples situations - the using to feel better, the lack of concern, the selfishness - was right there in front of me. At least I was kind of cautious, although it still stings a little bit. I have no regrets, though, so I'm glad I saw it out.

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out but on the otherhand, you found out the same night, what she wanted from you. It could have dragged on for perpetuity, if you hadn't taken the initiative to kiss her.

[BCCA]

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out but on the otherhand, you found out the same night, what she wanted from you. It could have dragged on for perpetuity, if you hadn't taken the initiative to kiss her.

 

You know, initially I was wondering if I just went too fast, and she couldnt handle it, but then I realized that what you're saying is absolutely right. If I wouldn't have made any initiative and acted coy the whole time, I could have been doing this for weeks/months until one day she was introducing me to her new boyfriend.

 

I just dont see how people can be so selfish, especially when they say they love you and dont want you to get hurt.

[stoneymirror]

B, it's tough to swallow but this is probably for the best. If they don't want to be with you, why even try. It's a total lost cause. Eventually they'll probably come around when they haven't heard from you for a long time, by then it's usually too late. Don't be friends with her, it'll just boost her confidence and lower yours. I'd go NC until you start dating someone new and have moved on.

[Trialbyfire]

You know, initially I was wondering if I just went too fast, and she couldnt handle it, but then I realized that what you're saying is absolutely right. If I wouldn't have made any initiative and acted coy the whole time, I could have been doing this for weeks/months until one day she was introducing me to her new boyfriend.

 

I just dont see how people can be so selfish, especially when they say they love you and dont want you to get hurt.

In so many ways, you got the finality that many people crave for months and years. Not a bad deal, although there's a price to pay for it.

[BCCA]

I am glad to finally have piece of mind on the situation. I see things for what they really are, and I now see how unimportant me and my feelings are to this person. Its a tough pill to swallow, for sure, but at least I have some clarity.

 

It was for the best that I went over to see her. Now, I have no need or desire to really ever speak with her again. I would never imagine being friends with her, and even if was possible, its probably going to take years before thats a realistic idea. I'll be NC from here on out...day 1 all over again

[Oscar51]

Sorry to hear but atleast you know you tried. That's how I feel about my situation now. I tried everything to keep that relationshop together but she wanted out so I let her go. 3 months later I'm doing better, it still hurts at times but if they don't want to be there then F them and realize that it will probably take them dating an ass for them to realize you were a good guy but by then it will probably be too late.

[selena_cat]

Walks, shopping,invitation to dinner,which she is cooking

This sounds pretty good,at elast she's nto liek other exes who avoids ppl like a plague, or toss impersonal communication (crumbs, frm personal experience)

I say be cool and look real damn good, and also, think about dating other women,so yoru hope wouldnt be only tied to her,it helps while you and her oare chatting,think of the cool hot blond neighbor you'd like to ask out-meaning Keep your options open

oops sorry i just now your outcome of your dinner,

i wonder why people do this,hang out with you,give signals that they "might" be interested,and just say lets be friends, ridiculous to me. dont be friends

[Sysyphus28]

You know, initially I was wondering if I just went too fast, and she couldnt handle it, but then I realized that what you're saying is absolutely right. If I wouldn't have made any initiative and acted coy the whole time, I could have been doing this for weeks/months until one day she was introducing me to her new boyfriend.

 

I just dont see how people can be so selfish, especially when they say they love you and dont want you to get hurt.

 

People can be selfish because they have a self. They are individuals who are able to make thier own decisions about thier company.

[BCCA]

People can be selfish because they have a self. They are individuals who are able to make thier own decisions about thier company.

 

Oh I agree with you in principal, it just becomes a different story when they try to make decisions about their company AND the circustances surrounding it. Such as, 'We can hang out, but only as friends'. Then, quite frankly, it's having your cake and eating it, too.

[wisebutnotperfect]

Buddhism teaches that the scource of all suffering is either from expectations or from attachments. If you are able to not form any expectations for this evening and if you are able to set aside the whole realm of attachments surrounding this "event" then you should be able to have a pleasant evening. Go into it without expectations and neither of you will be dissappointed. Enjoy the moment it is all we truly have.

[Geishawhelk]

Oh, that's simple!

 

No, not easy.....

 

Simple.

 

[Mikey Action]

Oh I agree with you in principal, it just becomes a different story when they try to make decisions about their company AND the circustances surrounding it. Such as, 'We can hang out, but only as friends'. Then, quite frankly, it's having your cake and eating it, too.

 

 

 

It hurts. Bad. I feel your pain. What should they do? Well I read two kinds of stories.

 

1) s/he calls and s/he takes the call, flirts, acts nice, but doesn't ever contact you. If you call, you get your call returned. Were pals, right? We don't hook up but I'll bounce around like a basketball from hot and cold and confuse you, use you until I'm 100% over the breakup and then I'm gone for good. See you pal, don't wait up, we broke up remember?

 

2) they ignore you totally. No call back. No answering the phone. no texts on the bday/xmas/holiday.

 

In the long run, women and men who have had their hearts broken before take option #2. I don't mean dumped. I mean been in love and had it happen to them. They know that it's the best option in the long run.

 

People who are weak, selfish or otherwise unwise in the ways of the world choose #1, until karma revisits it on them and they stop.

 

the image we have of people and the reality of people. They rarely are the same thing.

[BCCA]

I think one of the key points I've realized over the last couple of days that has helped me to move forward in my healing is that this is a crappy situation all around. I'm sure my ex isn't feeling too great about it, either, and although thats my not my problem/concern, I also dont feel like shes a terrible person who wanted to hurt me. It's really a catch 22 for everyone. I only wanted the relationship or nothing, she only wanted a friendship or nothing. Either one of us goes along with it unhappily, or we go our seperate ways.

 

I think sometimes we feel as though people intentionally hurt our feelings and mislead us, but I dont think thats the case. I think they may be somewhat negligent, not really thinking about how what they do might do to you and your feelings, but it would take an absolute dirtbag to purposefully hurt people, and I just dont think there are that many people like that out there. I would like to think I wouldnt have chosen a dirtbag to date for very long.

 

Its so true, if you love someone - truly love them - you'll let them go, whether youre the dumper or dumpee. If the do come back, maybe it was meant to be, but if they dont, then it never was. Nothing you couldve done would have made that different. It makes it easier to handle when you tell yourself that you werent manly enough or that you became too predictable, but honestly, sometimes you just fall out of love because in your heart of hearts, you know this isnt the right thing for you long term.

 

Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

[kizik]

If they do come back, maybe it was meant to be, but if they dont, then it never was.

 

IMHO, there's no "meant to be", there's simply good, considerate, trustworthy people; and there are flip-floppers, indecisive selfish people who are always hedging with you. You're never important unless they need you (emotionally, mentally, and/or physically).

 

You're the former, your ex is the latter. Don't make excuses for her simply because she ain't Hitler. She would have you follow her to the ends of the earth, as a friend, in order to assuage her guilt.

 

I'm glad you got something out of the miserable friend-boat. She sounds like an immature and self-absorbed person to me.

[9Lives]

I think one of the key points I've realized over the last couple of days that has helped me to move forward in my healing is that this is a crappy situation all around. I'm sure my ex isn't feeling too great about it, either, and although thats my not my problem/concern, I also dont feel like shes a terrible person who wanted to hurt me. It's really a catch 22 for everyone. I only wanted the relationship or nothing, she only wanted a friendship or nothing. Either one of us goes along with it unhappily, or we go our seperate ways.

 

I think sometimes we feel as though people intentionally hurt our feelings and mislead us, but I dont think thats the case. I think they may be somewhat negligent, not really thinking about how what they do might do to you and your feelings, but it would take an absolute dirtbag to purposefully hurt people, and I just dont think there are that many people like that out there. I would like to think I wouldnt have chosen a dirtbag to date for very long.

 

Its so true, if you love someone - truly love them - you'll let them go, whether youre the dumper or dumpee. If the do come back, maybe it was meant to be, but if they dont, then it never was. Nothing you couldve done would have made that different. It makes it easier to handle when you tell yourself that you werent manly enough or that you became too predictable, but honestly, sometimes you just fall out of love because in your heart of hearts, you know this isnt the right thing for you long term.

 

Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

 

All this makes plenty of sense. I believe there is a pychic to love and all its doings.

 

I normally dont believe in games but one way you could have tested the waters with ms friendship chic is to somehow had the opportunity to speak of a "new" chic highly. NOt to insult or hurt ...but to test.

Love sometimes is not Logical..it is illogical. I truly believe good people are not really appreciated. She knew you still like her and all. She was just testing you to see if she still could pull you in for HER NEEDS.

My ex tried that, and I confused it with more. It wasnt...again HIS TERMS, HIS needs. He did not dislike me, he likes me now but that is not what I want from him. Sometimes I believe people want what they cant have in this case. Your ex would have probably have given it some thought ...cause she knows your a good guy...if you had to excuse yourself to talk to (Angela)..you know what im saying.

 

I just notice people like that who invite us in...for their reasons....need a HARD ASS dose of reality.

 

I've changed my entire view on these so called ex who care alot but dont want to be in R. It is still selfish. what makes me so f/king angry is that YOU ARE STILL MAKING DECISION ABOUT ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT!!!

YOUR Terms.. This time if you did not ask....you would have gotten played AGAIN....check mate!:mad:

 

I walked,,,he pull me back...he dumb me again.....

I was hurt...Round one

 

I walked ...he pull me back,,,,he dumb me again

I was hurt ...Round two

 

NO Round three

[9Lives]

IMHO, there's no "meant to be", there's simply good, considerate, trustworthy people; and there are flip-floppers, indecisive selfish people who are always hedging with you. You're never important unless they need you (emotionally, mentally, and/or physically).

 

I'm glad you got something out of the miserable friend-boat. She sounds like an immature and self-absorbed person to me.

 

 

God you hit it on the nose. flip flopper, indecisive...selfish....I want to rip his f/king head off. Just a dumb a/ss with a dk. I have been wrapped up in this type of personality type for almost 4 years. Loving the good and hoping and hoping and hoping he would stop doing that and appreciate our love and our connection. Nothing good comes out of flip flopping people.