Ashbash11 Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 So, my LDR boyfriend and I have been in this LDR for about 2 months now... We're on opposite coasts (3,000 miles away) We've already done two visits- One where he came to Boston and then I went to California last week. My question is, has anyone experienced a visit that didn't go the way you wanted it to or that turned sour? It wasn't "perfect"??? My BF and I got into an argument when I visited him because he kept pointing out everything that was going "wrong", such as the fact that I got sick (caught a cold) and he couldn't find his car in the parking lot a few times... silly things like that. He kept saying that everytime we're together, lots of "catastrophe's" happen... I was really hurt, because I had a great time and I loved being with him and meeting his family. I didn't even notice that "bad" things that he kept pointing out. Maybe this is one of the problems in LDR's.. you don't see each other much, and when you do, there's a lot of pressure for things to be perfect, and if they're not, things get sour. Has anyone else had this experience? Is it something to worry about? I now find myself feeling uneasy.... Link to post Share on other sites
DunnoWhat Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 If he's like that now what will he be like in time. Talk to him and ask him what is his problem. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndWife Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 In our case, we focused more on how to make the best out of our short stays together and how to make each other happy... but not everyone is like this. To me it raise red flags since I am not particularly good at handling a perfectionist. Do you get a chance to oberserve how he interacts with his friends and his family? That might be able to tell you something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Share Posted December 4, 2008 The thing is, he isn't a perfectionist.. He's actually a very easygoing, fun, carefree guy. This is why I was so upset by his comments... He's very loving and friendly toward his friends and family.. that's not really the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
JaydaLeah Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 hmm.. this certainly doesnt sound gd.. im sure there will be hick-ups during visits.. but the main thing is to appreciate having the other right beside and enjoy every moment - gd or bad. But if he is so focused on the bad things, it certainly doesnt spell gd news. U might want to talk to him? Maybe something is bothering him or at least know his thoughts about the relationship at this moment... Link to post Share on other sites
2ndWife Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 maybe he's just nervous? some people may get nervous meeting strangers and one thing about LDR is that you feel a bit strange to meet up in the first few hours/days after a long time. or maybe he's just being very picky about his gf so he sees your getting sick as a downside when you actully met up? or maybe he's a pessimistic person but you don't get a chance to know that side of him yet because you've known each other for only two months? but then i don't know him so it's pure speculation. what did he say when you told him " i honestly don't care about all these because i am having a great time with you?" Link to post Share on other sites
germanbabe Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 I think he just had very high expectations. This is the trouble with LDRs. It's very hard to get to know the other person well because you can't see what they are like in all situations. He may also have just been having an off day. I think you have to be really open with each other and talk, talk, talk, about what you both feel. If he (or you) doesn't like to talk about how you feel, it will be very difficult. If you want this relationship to work, eventually, one of you is going to have to move to be with the other. Think of that and whether this is something you are willing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Share Posted December 4, 2008 One thing I forgot to mention in my original post is that my BF and I had been dating in the same city for 8 months before he left for a job in California... So, I can honestly say that I feel like I know him well, but since going long distance, I am discovering things about him that I didn't notice before- aka: pessimism, and high expectations... Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 One thing I forgot to mention in my original post is that my BF and I had been dating in the same city for 8 months before he left for a job in California... So, I can honestly say that I feel like I know him well, but since going long distance, I am discovering things about him that I didn't notice before- aka: pessimism, and high expectations... Can you elaborate on the pessimism and high expectations? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 What I meant was: He was focusing on what went wrong on the visit, rather than just enjoying our time together and letting the "bad" things or mishaps go... With regard to high expectations, I think because I had never been to California before, he wanted everything to be perfect, which is unrealistic. Nothing in life is perfect... I didn't expect things to be perfect! But I think he set high standards for himself... I am just speculating on this part. Link to post Share on other sites
cocoa Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 how about seeing it this way, he's being hard on himself. since it is such a special time when he can see you, little things that went wrong makes him feel like he didn't give you the best time and that gets to him. then arguing with him only confirms what he was saying and he will feel worse... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 how about seeing it this way, he's being hard on himself. since it is such a special time when he can see you, little things that went wrong makes him feel like he didn't give you the best time and that gets to him. then arguing with him only confirms what he was saying and he will feel worse... My man would second this. But also he gets really really cranky when I am about to leave. The day before he is really pessimistic and argumentative. It is just because it is the last day. He knows it and I know it. I call him on it but he still acts like a big baby. Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 What I meant was: He was focusing on what went wrong on the visit, rather than just enjoying our time together and letting the "bad" things or mishaps go... With regard to high expectations, I think because I had never been to California before, he wanted everything to be perfect, which is unrealistic. Nothing in life is perfect... I didn't expect things to be perfect! But I think he set high standards for himself... I am just speculating on this part. Hello Ash. I read your post a few days ago and I've given it some thought because I can relate. I think you are probably right about the high expectations he is placing on himself. My question is: Do you think that the expectations he has relate to only you and the time of your visit or do you think he seems this way about other things in his life? Also, when you say pessimism do you mean the same thing when you say focusing on the negative aspects of your time together or do you mean an overall negative attitude? It seems that people with high expectations are often let down and thus become negative but high standards are not a bad thing over all. High expectations can mean that he won't settle for less than he deserves and if you are part of his life than that can mean great things for you; assuming that his attitude is positive. Keep in mind that this guy with high standards chose you. That says something really great about you. I would just be weary that he is seeing you for who you really are and isn't projecting his own ideas of who he thinks you are onto you and then being angry with you when you aren't that person. I would also like to say that sometimes having so little time together puts more pressure on the situation. He may be afraid that he is working so hard to be with someone and it may not work out after all the sacrifice. It is true that this can happen in any relationship but waiting so long and looking forward to your visits may lead him to some projection, idealization and of course some heartbreak (which people deal with in different ways) if things don't go the way he wished they would. As long as he does not put your entire relationship on the line I think you should allow him to feel disappointed because it is as normal to feel negative feelings as it is to have problems in life and in your relationship. We all get frustrated sometimes. Just let him talk it out and be supportive. I don't think he means it as an attack on you especially if he is usually easy going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 Thank you for your thoughtful, honest reply, LikeCharlotte. When I say "pessimistic," I am referring to the way my boyfriend pointed out all of the bad things that happened during our visit, like I mentioned before- I came down with a bad cold, he lost his car in the parking lot... silly, everyday things like that. I definitely agree when you mentioned that there is more pressure on visits now and perhaps he is afraid that it won't work out in the end after all of this effort. I think that's a fear of mine, as well. I mean, there's no guarantee that any relationship will work out, right?? I also agree that he didn't mean it as an attack on me.. It just felt like it, you know? Because I had a great time and I was taken aback that he had all of these complaints. I'm seeing him again in a few weeks for another visit... any advice? I'm worried that the same thing will happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I'm seeing him again in a few weeks for another visit... any advice? I'm worried that the same thing will happen again. I think you should allow him to feel comfortable with complaining. Part of being in an intimate relationship is listening to your SO talk aout things that are bothering them. Sometimes people focus on trivial things to avoid what might really bother or scare them... sometimes people simply get frustrated. Either way it is part of who he is and accepting that is accepting him. You could always make him smile after he's had his rant. Laughter goes a long way toward putting those little bumps in perspective. If you think it may be that he is feeling something else but focusing on little things; open the door for him to talk about it. Say something like "I know that not finding the car wasn't very much fun but it seems to have upset you a lot. I don't feel like it's ruined my visit and I'm still glad to be with you. Is there anything else bothering you that might be adding to your feelings?" then listen, repeat what he said back to make sure you understand it... give a big smiley kiss and ask him if he wants some ice cream. Sometimes all it takes is letting the little things roll off of you (ie. his frustation) to let someone else know its okay to feel bad. I'd also like to add that it is very important that you don't invalidate his frustration. He might just be the kind of person that gets disproportionatly frustrated. That being said... the real question is: Can you live with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts