Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit

[Mino]

And for heavens sake wear rubber sole shoes around the house for a couple of weeks !

:lmao:

[Mino]

Maybe you need some therapy. Sounds like you cannot control yourself.

GEZZZ, therapy for being horny? , We may be all going to Therapy soon..:lmao::lmao:

[KismetGirl]

Woah, I never said it was an accident, did I?

 

I accept full....wait, partial....responsibility for what happened. I really did try. I thought it was silly to go find time to drag myself to the postal office, pay 20 bucks for overnight delivery and certified mail when im counting every penny right now, when he was literally in an office building that was like 200 feet away from my apartment where I was at that very moment. I thought it made more sense to just hand it to him. I even thought he would appreciate my efforts to respect his wishes that we end this by telling him to stay downstairs in his car and that I would bring it down to him, no matter how badly in my head all I wanted was for him to come upstairs.

 

I admit it. He texted me "im outside" and i thought, ok, he's going to stick to this "no more affair" thing. I grabbed by keys to go downstairs and literally two seconds later the doorbell rings. I open the door, and he's standing there, hands in pckets, looking nervous, and that was it, I lost it. I admit it, i was flirty. I admit it, after being depressed and not seeing him for two weeks and craving him every single second of every day I am not strong enough yet to resist him. I admit that I pretty much told him I wanted one more romp in the sheets before he left. I said "You know, I was really about to come downstairs to give it to you and be well behaved, but you've just screwed yourself by coming upstairs"

 

And he knew it. He tried to play like he was resisting me, if resisting me means saying "we really can't do this, this isn't right" while carressing my face and circling my belly button while Im standing there leaning against the door staring at him. Yeah, i persisted, I admit it. If I had said "Ok, fine, we can't do this" and kicked him out he wouldnt have tried to rape me, but I want him as bad as he wants me and with him right in front of me, in my dark hallway, him lightly touching me, I just went insane, I almost exploded with how badly I wanted him at that moment. He tried for a few moments to talk himself into the whole "this isnt right, I cant I cant I cant" and I basically said, why the hell did you come upstairs, you know its because you wanted this anyway, and he admitted it and pretty much picked me up and threw me in my bedroom and had me clawing off the ceiling. Christ, that is hard to resist. But after two weeks of depressing loneliness and missing him so much it physically hurt, I was weak and I couldnt hold back. Not asking for sympathy as if I was some silly girl that accidentally slipped and fell on his penis.....

 

But last night when I went out for drinks with my girlfriend it was the first time in weeks that she'd seen me smile and be near giddy. And I know its probably fleeting but it was nice to feel happy again for one night. When he was getting dressed to leave last night I just sat there in a daze staring at him, and he says "we really can't let this happen again". So I say "OK". He shakes his head and smiles as if he doesn't believe me, so I say, "what, you don't believe me? Im sorry, I guess Im not as good at forgetting people as you are, apparently. Last time we broke it off you didnt come round for almost nine months, that's pretty impressive". My sarcasm is evident. He tells me to shut up because I know damn well that forgetting me is not his strong point, unfortunately.

 

For some reason last night certain things seemed so much more...clear to me. He doesn't want to break things off because he doesn't care for me, or because he's in love with his wife. He just feels like the "right thing" to do is keep his kids' family in tact and that by doing this he is risking it. Not because he's in love with W. I don't care what anyone says, no one cheats this long on a woman and is in love with them. He may care for her and enjoys having a family with her, but he is not in love with this woman. Im almost certain if he knew he would never get caught and lose his kids full-time, Im not sure seeing me would even be an issue. He'd feel guilty for lying, but every time he's broken it off with me, it's been because he almost got caught and freaked that he'd lose his kids. And no, having partial custody of children, or seeing them on weekends only, is NOT the same as everyone living under one roof and seeing them every day, so that argument about how shared custody between divorced parents is the same is stupid.

 

So anyay, He comes downstairs with me, I give him the papers I meant to give him earlier, I walk to his car, give him a kiss and say Happy Birthday. He stares at me with a weird smile and mumbles "guess I'll see you in nine months or something". What the hell does that mean? An obvious reference to my sarcastic remark about him keeping NC with me for at least nine months the last time we broke up, but I guess he's admitting he's not better than me at this whole "resisting" thing? The whole ride into the city to meet my friend I was banging my head against the steering wheel with thoughts of both "wow that was fantastic, God i love him" and "this was such a bad idea, what have I done again, this is never ending". And from the way he was looking at me the whole time he was here last night, I can guarantee he was having the same thoughts more or less. Torn between his obvious want of me, and thoughts of his family and what the moral thing for him to do is.

 

You're all right when you say this is never ending, in a way. Alot due to my weakness when it comes to him. If I told him "no" he'd not persist, but I am awful at telling him "no". I don't think he'll be coming round every week like he was, if he even comes round again at all. I think that honestly this may have just been a slip up on his part, Im not sure he'll come upstairs again....but somehow I still can't bring myself to tell his W. I know in RETROSPECT , all BS's for the most part would say "well, looking back, I wish I had known". But what of those that really never find out? If a man has a child he was never told about, and never knows about, he can never have missed that kid's childhood. But if he then meets that kid in 20 years, now that he KNOWS of the kids existance, he can look back and lament at all the time wasted. Am I making sense here? IF his W ever finds out Im sure she'll wish she had known earlier. But she has had suspicions and chose to ignore them, so she's obviously happy where she is. So if she never really finds out about this A, how can I throw it in her face? He's never going to D her, so what's the point. Even if he did D her I wouldnt want her to know about the A. It wold just be a kick to her while she's down. I'm not a totally horrid person, I really am not. I just fell in love with the wrong, wrong man, someone wholly unavailable to me. And Im geniunly sorry for it I guess but crap, I guess it's like a drug addict. Most people have lots of relapses before they are really able to abstain for good.....

[LakesideDream]

Kismet, The "accidental" thing was a hoot. People having fun. You are very close to all this, and there is nothing humorous about it. We all get that.

 

We here at LS are all just a bunch of old fogies (some older ) who have been exactly where you are at some point or points in our lives. We remember how it felt, or feels. And I believe each and every one of us has a real soft spot in our hearts for what you are going through... (well maybe except OWL).

 

I hope that you meet someone who sweeps you off your feet and makes you forget about all this. Believe me you will be better off if you do. If not? You'll be like me, except you will be posting on LS for my children and grandchildren to respond to.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, The "accidental" thing was a hoot. People having fun. You are very close to all this, and there is nothing humorous about it. We all get that.

 

We here at LS are all just a bunch of old fogies (some older ) who have been exactly where you are at some point or points in our lives. We remember how it felt, or feels. And I believe each and every one of us has a real soft spot in our hearts for what you are going through... (well maybe except OWL).

 

I hope that you meet someone who sweeps you off your feet and makes you forget about all this. Believe me you will be better off if you do. If not? You'll be like me, except you will be posting on LS for my children and grandchildren to respond to.

 

I know....I hope I meet someone too. But Im at that stupid, illogical, unreasonable phase in which my thinking is stupid, my will to resist him is non existant, and despite knowing that this thought is probably ridiculous....I worry that I'll never meet anyone again that makes me feel the way he does. I mean, it is possible. Not everyone is meant to be happy like a fairy tale, finding that perfect single man and riding off into the sunset, right? I'd like to think that that is the path that I'll find someday, but nowadays it's hard to believe that. One day at a time....I guess.

 

It's like the drug addicts I work with, seriously. They tell me all the time....ven the ones that have been clean for months, a year, what have you, that any day it's possible that they are in the wrong moment and boom, they take another hit. That's how MM is for me....sometimes i wonder if i'll ever be strong enough to resist another hit.

[KismetGirl]

Accidental sex... gosh.. don't we hate those kinds of accidents..

 

we do when its absolutely amazing sex with someone who is so very bad for you in the long run

[SerenityX2]

Kismet

 

It would be laughable it if wasn't so tragic. He doesn't *care* about you. How he is playing cat and mouse with you is in no way expressing *care*

 

He only *cares* about himself and his needs. If he cared about you he'd want you to be happy truly happy even *before* his happiness, not give you momentary snippets of intense then vanishing into nothingness.

 

Even a married couple can experience that kind of intense heat if say for example one or the other started getting hot and heavy before they had to be at a party or at work....it's that "shouldn't be doing this right now" thing that adds the headiness to the experience.

 

That's why you and he are so addicted to this game. You keep the "forbidden" part at the forefront and it adds the excitement. It's a shame b/c it's not surrounded by the love that should go with it, maybe you think so on your end, but certainly it's not on his. His actions clearly show he's a user.

 

You think you can take this or leave this eventually and you're kidding yourself. That's obvious b/c you're questioning why he made the "9 mo" comment, every little action that gives you hope drives you insane. He's enjoying this sexy little diversional game with you, but that's all it is. Even friends treat friends with respect he's giving you none.

 

You're right, neither of you will stop until this blows up. How sad.

 

What a loser, I feel incredibly sorry for his wife and kids.

[Trimmer]

I admit it. He texted me "im outside" and i thought, ok, he's going to stick to this "no more affair" thing. I grabbed by keys to go downstairs and literally two seconds later the doorbell rings. I open the door, and he's standing there, hands in pckets, looking nervous, and that was it, I lost it. I admit it, i was flirty. I admit it, after being depressed and not seeing him for two weeks and craving him every single second of every day I am not strong enough yet to resist him. I admit that I pretty much told him I wanted one more romp in the sheets before he left. I said "You know, I was really about to come downstairs to give it to you and be well behaved, but you've just screwed yourself by coming upstairs"

 

And he knew it. He tried to play like he was resisting me, if resisting me means saying "we really can't do this, this isn't right" while carressing my face and circling my belly button while Im standing there leaning against the door staring at him. Yeah, i persisted, I admit it. If I had said "Ok, fine, we can't do this" and kicked him out he wouldnt have tried to rape me, but I want him as bad as he wants me and with him right in front of me, in my dark hallway, him lightly touching me, I just went insane, I almost exploded with how badly I wanted him at that moment. He tried for a few moments to talk himself into the whole "this isnt right, I cant I cant I cant" and I basically said, why the hell did you come upstairs, you know its because you wanted this anyway, and he admitted it and pretty much picked me up and threw me in my bedroom and had me clawing off the ceiling. Christ, that is hard to resist. But after two weeks of depressing loneliness and missing him so much it physically hurt, I was weak and I couldnt hold back.

jeez, where's the "thanks a lot, now I need a cold shower" emoticon?

[KismetGirl]

Kismet

 

It would be laughable it if wasn't so tragic. He doesn't *care* about you. How he is playing cat and mouse with you is in no way expressing *care*

 

He only *cares* about himself and his needs. If he cared about you he'd want you to be happy truly happy even *before* his happiness, not give you momentary snippets of intense then vanishing into nothingness.

 

Even a married couple can experience that kind of intense heat if say for example one or the other started getting hot and heavy before they had to be at a party or at work....it's that "shouldn't be doing this right now" thing that adds the headiness to the experience.

 

That's why you and he are so addicted to this game. You keep the "forbidden" part at the forefront and it adds the excitement. It's a shame b/c it's not surrounded by the love that should go with it, maybe you think so on your end, but certainly it's not on his. His actions clearly show he's a user.

 

You think you can take this or leave this eventually and you're kidding yourself. That's obvious b/c you're questioning why he made the "9 mo" comment, every little action that gives you hope drives you insane. He's enjoying this sexy little diversional game with you, but that's all it is. Even friends treat friends with respect he's giving you none.

 

You're right, neither of you will stop until this blows up. How sad.

 

What a loser, I feel incredibly sorry for his wife and kids.

 

Ah....well, it isn't all his fault. I could have said no. Im not some naive person with no free will. It takes two and etc. When he tried to resist, however weakly, saying it was a bad idea, all I had to do was agree with him, and he would have walked out. But I knew that on the inside he wanted me and I stood in front of the door, staring at him because I knew if I just stood there a few minutes he'd give in. He wouldn't have forced himself on me if I agreed that it was a bad idea and stepped aside. But I didn't, I persisted, because having him physically in front of me, i didn't want to not be able to have him. I admit it. Maybe he should have more willpower than me, because he's the married one, he's the one with the kids, but personal relationships are not easy. It's not just about sex all the time. He's getting laid by his wife on a weekly basis, Im pretty positive of that, he's been honest whenever I have asked him questions. He isn't risking everything for a roll in the hay with me once in a while. Something has kept drawing us to each other over and over and over again for four years.....the first two of which the physical part of the relationship didn't exceed kissing and touching. Maybe he seems like a loser to some. Maybe he is in some ways. Maybe I am in some ways.

[KismetGirl]

jeez, where's the "thanks a lot, now I need a cold shower" emoticon?

 

 

oh Trimmer, there's alot more detail than what I put in that posting, trust me, just the thought of every moment with that man makes me hot under the collar. Last night was intense, animalistic, he actually ripped my shirt off after he threw me on the bed. Whatever, it was a cheap shirt, so worth it....for that moment, anyway. For my long term mental sanity is perhaps another story. ha.

[Impudent Oyster]

Kismet, You don't sound the least bit sorry or remorseful for sleeping with him.

 

Am I wrong?

 

It sounds to me like you're perfectly happy to be this guy's f*ck buddy and then watch him walk out the door and go back to the "wife he doesn't love" (which you stated umpteen times). He's only staying for the kids, right? BTW, you don't really believe that, do you?

 

So if this kind of arrangement is so good for you, what's the point? You clearly don't want to stop sleeping with him, and all I saw from your posts was a lot of justification for you to keep doing exactly what you feel like doing.

 

If all you want out of life is to be some guys willing lay...well, it sounds like you've got it!

[norajane]

He doesn't want to break things off because he doesn't care for me, or because he's in love with his wife. He just feels like the "right thing" to do is keep his kids' family in tact and that by doing this he is risking it.

 

every time he's broken it off with me, it's been because he almost got caught and freaked that he'd lose his kids. And no, having partial custody of children, or seeing them on weekends only, is NOT the same as everyone living under one roof and seeing them every day, so that argument about how shared custody between divorced parents is the same is stupid.

If you agree with him that keeping his family intact for the sake of his kids is the right thing to do, and if you love him, then you would want the best for him. And continuing to take the risk of him getting caught is thus NOT the best thing for him. So, then is it really love for him you feel? Or is it an attraction that you are feeding to serve your own needs? Is he your crutch to get by in a life you're not happy with?

 

I won't even get into his hypocritical asshat actions, as he is the one who should be thinking about those kids and what it will mean to them if he gets caught. His wife has already almost caught him twice, right? Third time might not be the charm. The longer you continue, the greater your odds are of getting caught, so your idea that if she never finds out it won't hurt her won't pan out if you keep doing this. Many, many cheaters are eventually caught.

 

 

I know....I hope I meet someone too.

 

I'm pretty sure that won't happen while your heart is engaged with MM.

[Dexter Morgan]

MM just came by. I swear, I meant for him to sit in his car downstairs, because I had a bunch of documents to give him , i told him i'll come downstairs and give it to him, but i was taking too long to come down so he came up. and we slept together. f***********k.

 

its been two weeks im struggling to get over him and now this.

 

im accepting all people to start yelling at my idiocy......now. have fun.

 

Nah, I'm thinking of a virtual high five to this MM, he has his s##t together.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, You don't sound the least bit sorry or remorseful for sleeping with him.

 

Am I wrong?

 

It sounds to me like you're perfectly happy to be this guy's f*ck buddy and then watch him walk out the door and go back to the "wife he doesn't love" (which you stated umpteen times). He's only staying for the kids, right? BTW, you don't really believe that, do you?

 

So if this kind of arrangement is so good for you, what's the point? You clearly don't want to stop sleeping with him, and all I saw from your posts was a lot of justification for you to keep doing exactly what you feel like doing.

 

If all you want out of life is to be some guys willing lay...well, it sounds like you've got it!

 

Oh you are wrong. Which is why I said I was beating my head against the steering wheel afterwards with torn thoughts going from "i love him" to "why the hell did i just do that its such a bad idea". I hate watching him go home, I cringe at how much Im sure his wife would be hurting if she found out, and all I see is crazyiness and pain as a result of all this, and just like a freaking drug addict, i still can't stop. You think heroin addicts think doing drugs is good for them? You think they feel no remorse when they steal from their parents to go buy more drugs? Their actions still suck, and they know it, and they keep doing it, and relapsing, and trying, and going back to the same thing until they either kill themselves or eventually after years and maybe years get strong enough to resist. remorse is one thing, it unfortunately does not always have any control in situations. When I saw him standing right in front of me, I cant explain it, its like my brain goes into some tunnel vision where all i see is him, and that I want him, and that's it. It's like blacking out and waking up after its all over and that's when the remorse and "what did i just do again" rush in. And then it hapens again and again and before you know it you are in this stupid circle you cant break. I thought I was doing pretty well not speaking to him or seeing him for two weeks, I thought telling him to stay downstairs and offering to bring the papers downstairs where nothing could happen was the right move, but I guess it didnt work out. And secretly I know I was hoping he would come upstairs anyway, and he did. I wasnt going to ask him to come upstairs, and thought he really meant it this time that he wanted things to be over. So I guess he was thinking the same way I was.

 

I dont think its as simple as "he's just staying for the kids", though I know that that is the biggest part of it. If I had met him maybe when he first got married, before they had any kids, or bought their house, I think it might have been easier. But it's like....he has this whole life set up with her. They have friends, they get along with each other's parents and siblings and friends, they have a whole big family life, three kids, a big new house, he's the sole income earner, she's the stay at home mom. It all just FITS, on the outside anyway. On the outside, I swear, they are the picture perfect image of a lovely , perfect family. But I cannot for the life of me imagine that anyone who really, really is in love with thier spouse would cheat on them this long. Once, twice maybe you can make a mistake. Maybe even a couple months of mistakes. But four years???? That isn't a mistake anymore, or confusion, or "him and his wife were just having a bad spell in their relationship". He's not UNHAPPY with his LIFE. His life is pretty good, overall. But there is something missing in his relationship with his wife....of that I have no doubt. He doesn't have to tell me that.

 

Im not trying to justify anything in the sense that Im saying what me and him have done is a GOOD thing or anything like that, Im just trying to find rationale for why it keeps happening I guess. I hate the position I am in, and I find myself disgusted with myself for accepting what crumbs I can get from him, because it's just not in my personality to be so....weak. Im not like this in other areas of my life. hell, i've never even been like this in previous relationships. *sigh* I dont know anymore.

[LakesideDream]

I know....I hope I meet someone too. But Im at that stupid, illogical, unreasonable phase in which my thinking is stupid, my will to resist him is non existant, and despite knowing that this thought is probably ridiculous....I worry that I'll never meet anyone again that makes me feel the way he does. I mean, it is possible. Not everyone is meant to be happy like a fairy tale, finding that perfect single man and riding off into the sunset, right? I'd like to think that that is the path that I'll find someday, but nowadays it's hard to believe that. One day at a time....I guess.

 

It's like the drug addicts I work with, seriously. They tell me all the time....ven the ones that have been clean for months, a year, what have you, that any day it's possible that they are in the wrong moment and boom, they take another hit. That's how MM is for me....sometimes i wonder if i'll ever be strong enough to resist another hit.

 

Kismet, you brought tears to my eyes, with: I worry that I'll never meet anyone again that makes me feel the way he does. I mean, it is possible.

 

That's the problem Kismet. It's my problem too. I never have met that someone.

 

And there is a price to pay.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, you brought tears to my eyes, with: I worry that I'll never meet anyone again that makes me feel the way he does. I mean, it is possible.

 

That's the problem Kismet. It's my problem too. I never have met that someone.

 

And there is a price to pay.

 

 

 

Yeah....I keep hearing "you're young, you'll meet someone else". Maybe that's true. In three and a half years I'll be 30. Maybe I'll start to panic more if Im still single then :-) And alot can happen in a few years, but who knows. Not everyone finds that perfect other person who is available. Just because Im attractive and have good qualities doesn't mean I'll find the right person for me. Plenty of men like me, I never like them back. There has to be the mutual attraction, I can't force myself to be with someone just because they like me and have good qualities. Maybe Im a hopeless romantic in that I need to have that spark with someone to want to be with them, and I get that very rarely with people.

 

I hope Im wrong. I really do. Guess only time will tell...

[signedin2008]

You've got excuse after excuse not to disclose the affair to his wife to save YOURSELF. If you told her, this would have NEVER happened.

[norajane]

Yeah....I keep hearing "you're young, you'll meet someone else".

 

As I said above, it's not likely that you will meet anyone who sparks your interest while your heart is engaged with MM. And you won't be able to disengage until you firmly commit to yourself that you want a better future than your present, and commit to removing MM from your life.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, you're cheap litterally and figuratively. $20, that's what you cost.

 

You've got excuse after excuse not to disclose the affair to his wife to save YOURSELF. If you told her, this would have NEVER happened.

 

 

Wow. Im cheap. Because I literally didn't have enough money to eat this month and thought I would save spending twenty something bucks on postage when he was literally across the street, when I thought I was doing the right thing by asking him to wait in the car downstairs and NOT come upstairs. And he had agreed that he would call me when he was outside and I would come down, give him the papers, and he'd drive away. Not once did I ask him to come upstairs.

 

Thank you. Your advice is very helpful.

[signedin2008]

Wow. Im cheap. Because I literally didn't have enough money to eat this month.

 

But, you also wrote:

 

But last night when I went out for drinks with my girlfriend it was the first time in weeks that she'd seen me smile and be near giddy....

 

Have money to spend on drinks, but not enough money to get food like bread that cost a fraction of what you paid for those drinks?

[LakesideDream]

Chill out Signedin2008. The gal is in here looking for someone to talk to!

[KismetGirl]

But, you also wrote:

 

 

 

Have money to spend on drinks, but not enough money to get food like bread that cost a fraction of what you paid for those drinks?

 

 

 

No. My girlfriends know Ive been depressed lately and one of them offered to take me out for drinks. I have nice friends. And the bartender knows us and gave us a couple rounds ont he house. I didnt pay for a damn thing last night. This whole month I've been skipping breakfast and lunch and buying groceries on a credit card that is already overburdened to the max, or going over to my mother's house for dinner. As a matter of fact, I've eaten so little this last 6 weeks, I've lost 12 pounds. It's been a really bad few weeks for me financially.

 

And in case you needed further information on my social life, I havent gone out and spent money on myself in a month, at least. I've gone out for drinks once, last night, and went out to dinner once two weeks ago, and in both cases it was because my dear friends felt so bad for how I've been feeling that THEY decided to take ME out and pay for stuff, because in the past when I have had the money, I have done the same for them. It's what friends f**king do.

 

Is that a good enough answer for you? Have any more insightful crap for me?

[KismetGirl]

Chill out Signedin2008. The gal is in here looking for someone to talk to!

 

 

Thanks Lakeside. No worries. SignedIn2008 has not offered even one insightful or helpful post on any thread I have ever seen him or her write on. He or she is a drain on this board. Probably best ignored, to be honest, but sometimes I get so pissed off I can't help but respond to the bollocks.

 

Thank you, though, for understanding.

[Impudent Oyster]

But there is something missing in his relationship with his wife....of that I have no doubt. He doesn't have to tell me that.

 

 

So is that all you are? The piece of whatever may or may not be missing in someone's marriage?

 

Don't you think you're worth more than that? Don't you WANT more than that?

[signedin2008]

 

Is that a good enough answer for you?

 

No, next time, ask them to give you the money so you can send those damn mail instead of buying you drinks and dinners.

 

 

 

 

Have any more insightful crap for me?

 

Tell his wife! You're too weak to end it. He's too weak to end it. You know you'll be back with him in bed within 9 months or so (or much sooner) and the only way to end this fantasy is to disclose it to the person who needs to know most.