Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit

[Impudent Oyster]

Yeah....I keep hearing "you're young, you'll meet someone else". Maybe that's true. In three and a half years I'll be 30. Maybe I'll start to panic more if Im still single then :-) And alot can happen in a few years, but who knows. Not everyone finds that perfect other person who is available. Just because Im attractive and have good qualities doesn't mean I'll find the right person for me. Plenty of men like me, I never like them back. There has to be the mutual attraction, I can't force myself to be with someone just because they like me and have good qualities. Maybe Im a hopeless romantic in that I need to have that spark with someone to want to be with them, and I get that very rarely with people.

 

I hope Im wrong. I really do. Guess only time will tell...

 

Huh? What part of this man is MARRIED, has kids and is HAPPY with his life (by your own words) do you not understand? He's not going anywhere, and he's certainly not leaving his perfect life for you, why should he, he doesn't need to, you'll take him any way you can get him, even if he denies the fact that you exist.

 

Listen to yourself, you're claiming this cheater is the perfect man? Can't you see how absurd that is?

[KismetGirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KismetGirl

Is that a good enough answer for you?

 

No, next time, ask them to give you the money so you can send those damn mail instead of buying you drinks and dinners.

 

 

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by KismetGirl

Have any more insightful crap for me?

 

Tell his wife! You're too weak to end it. He's too weak to end it. You know you'll be back with him in bed within 9 months or so (or much sooner) and the only way to end this fantasy is to disclose it to the person who needs to know most.

 

 

Ah, more helpful advice. Yes, next time my friend wants to take me out because I have been depressed and they want to cheer me up, I should tell them "Hey Jane, thanks for trying to be a good friend, but can you just give me some cash instead so on the off chance I have to mail stuff to MM I'll have a stash of moolah for just that purpose? Thanks, youre a doll"

 

Really, what a moronic response. SignedIn2008, seriously, you aren't a help, please dont post on my threads anymore huh? Ridiculous.

[signedin2008]

Ah, more helpful advice. Yes, next time my friend wants to take me out because I have been depressed and they want to cheer me up, I should tell them "Hey Jane, thanks for trying to be a good friend, but can you just give me some cash instead so on the off chance I have to mail stuff to MM I'll have a stash of moolah for just that purpose? Thanks, youre a doll"

 

Really, what a moronic response. SignedIn2008, seriously, you aren't a help, please dont post on my threads anymore huh? Ridiculous.

 

You know you're just justify your action and giving excuses after excuses. You're living in America and it's not hard for you to obtain $20 whether through credit, borrow from family or friends or go without internet or phone for a month or two.

 

You're still protecting yourself, your secret, and your shameful actions by refusing to disclosing it to his wife.

[LakesideDream]

Really, what a moronic response. SignedIn2008, seriously, you aren't a help, please dont post on my threads anymore huh? Ridiculous.

 

 

Kismet, There are a great many people who are still bitter, and in pain over problems in their own personal lives. It sometimes takes quite awhile to get back to a "good" place with whats happened to them. Sometimes it never works, sometimes they remain bitter.

 

The heart wants what the heart wants. Our brains are not always in concert with our emotional needs. I know that, you have found it out. Most of us know how confused, hurt, and even angry because we have been where you are. Others.. not so much. A few posters just want to make you hurt as much as they are.

[signedin2008]

The heart wants what the heart wants. Our brains are not always in concert with our emotional needs. I know that, you have found it out. Most of us know how confused, hurt, and even angry because we have been where you are. Others.. not so much. A few posters just want to make you hurt as much as they are.

 

If you're refering to me, you're dead wrong. I was not and I am not hurt. What I wrote is just purely common sense and common decency.

[Die Hard]

I don't totally agree with how signed is saying it but he/she is right.

 

You say "dammit dammit" and "I was banging my head on the steering wheel" but as someone who has been where you are, that is a load of BS. I know, I've shoveled it myself.

 

You knew darn well what you were doing by even having him come by. You were excited and looking forward to it. You don't regret it at all, which is fine by me. But don't try and say the reason for you needing him to come over was lack of money for postage and expect people to swallow that.

 

In a few days the high from being with him will start to wear off(my guess it already is) and maybe, just MAYBE you'll become half as mad at the MM as you are at people on the internet. HE'S the one letting someone that loves him only have a sliver of his life. I mean, if you can live with that, cool. If not, you need to get mad at MM and demand more for yourself.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, There are a great many people who are still bitter, and in pain over problems in their own personal lives. It sometimes takes quite awhile to get back to a "good" place with whats happened to them. Sometimes it never works, sometimes they remain bitter.

 

The heart wants what the heart wants. Our brains are not always in concert with our emotional needs. I know that, you have found it out. Most of us know how confused, hurt, and even angry because we have been where you are. Others.. not so much. A few posters just want to make you hurt as much as they are.

 

Lakeside, babe, ignore him or her. Its a pointless endeavor to argue with someone with no common sense. Someone who thinks a good solution to my financial concerns is to tell my friends to give me money instead when they are trying to be kind and buy me a drink to cheer me up.

 

The mind and the heart are often in disagreement, you are right. My heart feels a feeling that I've never in my life felt towards another human being. It's overwhelming how I love him. I would be willing to deal with all the baggage and hardship in the world if he wanted to get a D and be with me one day. I'd do whatever I could to make it work. You must know what I feel....if I remember correctly, you moved across the country to be near your MW, right?

 

Im so confused right now. When MM broke up with me again two weeks ago, he sounded so sure of his decision. I spent two weeks thinking he wasn't thinking about me at all, and heartbroken that it seemed so easy for him to forget about me when I could not go a day without thinking of him. But seeing him last night it was evident that he hasn't forgotten and has been thinking of me as much as I think about him, but he has alot more at stake. I just have me to worry about. My decisions affect only myself. He has three kids and a wife that he doesn't really want to be malicious towards. He doesn't hate her. She seems to be a nice woman , from what I've seen. Kind of plain, but seems to be a good mother and a nice woman. I know he doesn't WANT her to be hurt but......mind and heart.....

 

I wish I could say that I wished he never kissed me that first night, because of all the pain , confusion and utter dissaray I've been through these last four years, but Im not sure anymore. Sometimes I wonder if my life would be different if I'd never met him. I mean, everything happens for a reason....doesn't it? I don't know exactly what reason meeting him was supposed to have, yet. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. I just hope I can meet someone new, someone available, someone that makes me feel the way MM makes me feel. I'm looking at a photo of him right now...his face, that smile. He is the perfect combo of physical and mental attractiveness for me. Not only do I think he is hot as hell physically and the sex is absolutely mindblowing, but he makes me laugh, we enjoy the same sports, books, music, movies, we have the same sense of humour. And for someone so goodlooking, he honestly has no idea how cute he is, which is so appealing. He really doesn't. Not conceited. In fact, he thinks Im beautiful and doesn't understand why someone like me would be attracted to him! He makes me feel beautiful like no one else. The way he looks at me, talks to me, how we enjoy each other's company not only sexually, but just having a pint together at a baseball game or pub, the way we used to joke around at work. Even when we'd have fights and get pissed at each other it was ok.

 

I know that its different when you are married and live together, and you have kids, and stress, I know the "honeymoon" doesnt last forever, but after four years it isnt something "new" anymore and that spark is still there. Before our affair started, I met him when he'd only been married...what....maybe two years? And I distinctly remember when we were chatting one night over after-work drinks that he'd lamented about how there was just no spark between him and his wife. She was a good woman, a good mother, but no real romantic chemistry was there. After two years of marriage? Seems a bit sad to me. My best friend and his wife have been together ten years and been married for 6, and they have as much spark as they did the day they met. And THAT is what I want with someone. Is that such a bad thing? Seems to me like people over look that so often nowadays when they get married....they settle for comfort and stability and that just seems like it leads to....this.

 

Ugh, Im rambling. Sorry. Had to take some pain medication for my injury and its made me a tad loopy. Apologies.

[KismetGirl]

I don't totally agree with how signed is saying it but he/she is right.

 

You say "dammit dammit" and "I was banging my head on the steering wheel" but as someone who has been where you are, that is a load of BS. I know, I've shoveled it myself.

 

You knew darn well what you were doing by even having him come by. You were excited and looking forward to it. You don't regret it at all, which is fine by me. But don't try and say the reason for you needing him to come over was lack of money for postage and expect people to swallow that.

 

In a few days the high from being with him will start to wear off(my guess it already is) and maybe, just MAYBE you'll become half as mad at the MM as you are at people on the internet. HE'S the one letting someone that loves him only have a sliver of his life. I mean, if you can live with that, cool. If not, you need to get mad at MM and demand more for yourself.

 

Oh, I agree, I totally was happy to just hear his voice on the phone. Even if I had the money, whcih I honestly didnt, it was a nice excuse to just see his face, even if it was just him sitting in his car and me standing at the window handing him the papers. But to be honest, I didnt think anything would happen. I swear I didnt. I really thought he meant it this time, which is why I specifically said to him to just sit in the car downstairs and I'd just drop the papers off to him and he could drive away, and that's that, two second transaction. I was supposed to leave to go meet my girlfriend in the city anyway, was all dressed and ready to go when he texted me to tell me he was outside.

 

When he came upstairs, of course I was overjoyed. Surprised, but happy to see him. Because inside I knw he wouldnt have come upstairs if he wasnt secretly wanting to really see me as well. And I liked knowing that.

 

But I never, ever expected that he would come upstairs or that we'd end up sleeping together again. I thought he would appreciate that I didnt' ask him to come upstairs and was trying to respect his decision to end things by telling him to stay in the car. It was only after he was actually standing in my hallway that I lost my nerve to hold back.

 

So do I regret it? I dont know. I probably will at some point. Right now it was just nice to see him one more time, I guess.

[NoIDidn't]

Like I said: keep doing it. But stop lying to yourself.

 

You have said in previous posts in this very thread that you knew he couldn't resist you. You made it your goal to tempt him into the sack.

 

That's why Signed is saying what s/he's saying. All these claims to the contrary are seen for what they are, hun.

 

You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. This is one of those times.

 

I understand that it was an it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time situation. But your words about how much you enjoyed it, how you knew he was trying (half-heartedly, mind you) to resist your (YOUR YOUR YOUR) advances show that you meant to do it if you were given the chance.

 

Concerning his wife. Whatever she is is none of your concern. You are in NO position to judge her as she isn't doing anything to possibly cause you and your family unit any harm. It would be nice if you left the digs at her and the lies he feeds you out of your mentionings of her.

[norajane]

I just hope I can meet someone new, someone available, someone that makes me feel the way MM makes me feel.

 

This is the third time you've said this in this thread, and this is third time I have to say that you are not likely to EVER meet someone new that makes you feel like this UNTIL you disengage your heart from MM. You have NO ROOM in your heart for anyone else and never will as long as you stay hung up on a married man who is not about to disturb his life for you.

 

You are a small part of his life, while he has become everything you care about. Your heart is entirely too full of him for any other man to have a remote chance of making an impression on you.

[NoIDidn't]

But feeling the way that a MM makes you feel is the first clue that its an unhealthy relationship. Until she is able to shake the fallacy that what she is feeling is the real deal, she is going to always find herself with *a* MM if not *this* MM. Or some other type of emotionally unavailable man.

[signedin2008]

 

But I never, ever expected that he would come upstairs or that we'd end up sleeping together again.

 

I hoped you used birth control. You sound very immature and would probably not be a good mother. Definately not nearly as good as his wife the way you described her.

[KismetGirl]

This is the third time you've said this in this thread, and this is third time I have to say that you are not likely to EVER meet someone new that makes you feel like this UNTIL you disengage your heart from MM. You have NO ROOM in your heart for anyone else and never will as long as you stay hung up on a married man who is not about to disturb his life for you.

 

You are a small part of his life, while he has become everything you care about. Your heart is entirely too full of him for any other man to have a remote chance of making an impression on you.

 

 

I disagree with this. While I readily admit that I compare men I meet to him in many ways , I am not incapable of liking someone else. In fact, in the near-year of NC that me and MM had, I dated someone that I liked very much. I ended up going back to MM because me and this other man had broken up and I was quite upset about the break up. He broke up with me because of a long distance issue. he moved to London and I couldnt promise that I would move there anytime soon, if ever.

 

But anyway, my point is that I am capable of liking other men, it just is very rare. It was quite unexpected that I met the other guy and actually liked him right away. We had a similiar spark that I have with MM and I was so relieved that I could have such an interest in someone else again.

We weren't together long enough for me to fall in love with him the way I did with MM, because I don't just fall in love with people on a whim, but I felt that I could have fallen in love with him. I cared about him greatly. I didn't feel I was "in love" with MM until almost three years into the A, Im normally very guarded about saying I love someone. i do not throw that word around.

[norajane]

I disagree with this. While I readily admit that I compare men I meet to him in many ways , I am not incapable of liking someone else. In fact, in the near-year of NC that me and MM had, I dated someone that I liked very much. I ended up going back to MM because me and this other man had broken up and I was quite upset about the break up. He broke up with me because of a long distance issue. he moved to London and I couldnt promise that I would move there anytime soon, if ever.

 

You were apart from MM. He wasn't in your life at that point, and you didn't know you'd get back together with him. You had time to distance yourself a bit and make some progress in letting go.

 

But anyway, my point is that I am capable of liking other men, it just is very rare. It was quite unexpected that I met the other guy and actually liked him right away. We had a similiar spark that I have with MM and I was so relieved that I could have such an interest in someone else again.

We weren't together long enough for me to fall in love with him the way I did with MM, because I don't just fall in love with people on a whim, but I felt that I could have fallen in love with him. I cared about him greatly. I didn't feel I was "in love" with MM until almost three years into the A, Im normally very guarded about saying I love someone. i do not throw that word around.

 

If you know that MM could come around this week or next, you aren't going to take the time you need to spend with any other man to fall in love with him.

[signedin2008]

Im normally very guarded about saying I love someone. i do not throw that word around.

 

You sure do throw something else around, even to someone else's husband.

[KismetGirl]

I hoped you used birth control. You sound very immature and would probably not be a good mother. Definately not nearly as good as his wife the way you described her.

 

 

Yes, yes, Im very immature, you know me so well. Im 26 years old, Ive worked since I was 14 as a legal aid and various other jobs, never held a minimum wage job in my life, volunteer for homeless shelters and housing for families with AIDS. I work as a therapist full time in a job where everyone else is at least 20 years older than me and where they generally never hire anyone under 30 and I got hired when I was 23. I carry a caseload of 60+ patients at any given time that generally thank me for all the good I do for them, I study my ass off, I'm starting medical school next year, I take care of my siblings and family, help my mother, go out of my way for family and friends, saved someone's life when she OD'd and I found her laying in an alley as I went home late one night from the hospital, delivered a baby from a woman who went into premature labour when the bus we were on went off the road in a snow storm and there was no paramedics around to help for over two hours. I've helped raise my brother and sister who are 15 and 17 years younger than me from birth when my mom was sick, woke up at 3 in the morning when they cried to feed them, changed their diapers, took them to school, helped them with homework, did science projects with them, took them to football practice. Should I go on? WOuld you like my entire life's biography?

 

You're right. My life is very dull and selfish. I've never done anything mature, or important, or selfless in my life. Thanks for pointing out the light because my entire existence should be defined by the fact that I had an affair with a man I fell in love with but shouldnt have.

 

And yes, Ive been on birth control since I was 18 years old with the exception of a couple of months recently when I slipped up, and immediately after sleeping with MM i ran to go get the morning after pill. I've since been back on birth control and condoms.

 

You are, with all due respect, one of the biggest judgmental morons to have ever responded to my postings. stop being judgmental and making proclamations about people YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, yes, Im very immature, you know me so well. Im 26 years old, Ive worked since I was 14 as a legal aid and various other jobs, never held a minimum wage job in my life, volunteer for homeless shelters and housing for families with AIDS. I work as a therapist full time in a job where everyone else is at least 20 years older than me and where they generally never hire anyone under 30 and I got hired when I was 23. I carry a caseload of 60+ patients at any given time that generally thank me for all the good I do for them, I study my ass off, I'm starting medical school next year, I take care of my siblings and family, help my mother, go out of my way for family and friends, saved someone's life when she OD'd and I found her laying in an alley as I went home late one night from the hospital, delivered a baby from a woman who went into premature labour when the bus we were on went off the road in a snow storm and there was no paramedics around to help for over two hours. I've helped raise my brother and sister who are 15 and 17 years younger than me from birth when my mom was sick, woke up at 3 in the morning when they cried to feed them, changed their diapers, took them to school, helped them with homework, did science projects with them, took them to football practice. Should I go on? WOuld you like my entire life's biography?

 

You're right. My life is very dull and selfish. I've never done anything mature, or important, or selfless in my life. Thanks for pointing out the light because my entire existence should be defined by the fact that I had an affair with a man I fell in love with but shouldnt have.

 

And yes, Ive been on birth control since I was 18 years old with the exception of a couple of months recently when I slipped up, and immediately after sleeping with MM i ran to go get the morning after pill. I've since been back on birth control and condoms.

 

You are, with all due respect, one of the biggest judgmental morons to have ever responded to my postings. stop being judgmental and making proclamations about people YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

 

While this all sounds very admirable, it doesn't imply anything about your level of maturity. Now, throwing around the word moron does say something about it, though.

[norajane]

Im 26 years old, Ive worked since I was 14 as a legal aid and various other jobs, never held a minimum wage job in my life, volunteer for homeless shelters and housing for families with AIDS. I work as a therapist full time in a job where everyone else is at least 20 years older than me and where they generally never hire anyone under 30 and I got hired when I was 23. I carry a caseload of 60+ patients at any given time that generally thank me for all the good I do for them, I study my ass off, I'm starting medical school next year, I take care of my siblings and family, help my mother, go out of my way for family and friends, saved someone's life when she OD'd and I found her laying in an alley as I went home late one night from the hospital, delivered a baby from a woman who went into premature labour when the bus we were on went off the road in a snow storm and there was no paramedics around to help for over two hours. I've helped raise my brother and sister who are 15 and 17 years younger than me from birth when my mom was sick, woke up at 3 in the morning when they cried to feed them, changed their diapers, took them to school, helped them with homework, did science projects with them, took them to football practice. Should I go on? WOuld you like my entire life's biography?

 

KG, it's time to take care of yourself, instead of solely focusing on helping everyone else. You can't save everyone, and you can't save MM from his partially-unfulfilling marriage. And you can't count on him to save you from an unfulfilled life where you are drained from saving everyone you come across.

 

It's up to you to do what is best for you - no one else is going to do that. If you want love and marriage in your future, you need to let go of this one and look elsewhere.

[KismetGirl]

You were apart from MM. He wasn't in your life at that point, and you didn't know you'd get back together with him. You had time to distance yourself a bit and make some progress in letting go.

 

 

 

If you know that MM could come around this week or next, you aren't going to take the time you need to spend with any other man to fall in love with him.

 

 

Actually, ina stroke of luck, I met this other guy a week after MM broke up with me. I was crushed and didnt think I really had it in me to date anyone, but this guy and me hit it off really right away so I gave it a chance, I was attracted to him, and it worked out. I was still hurting over MM and hoping he would come back, but as I got to know this other guy i started to "forget" about MM, and was able to focus on the new relationship instead. I'd welcome a relationship that didnt cause so much tumult! You think I LIKE being an OW, getting scraps of attention from him when he didn't have to run home to his family? It sucks. Alot. It was really just lucky I met this other guy when I did. Haven't really met anyone else recently that has tickled my fancy in that way. Maybe I'll get lucky again soon enough....you never know, I guess. I am supposed to have a date with someone next week I think. I make the effort to meet people....can't help if I never like them though.

[KismetGirl]

While this all sounds very admirable' date=' it doesn't imply anything about your level of maturity. Now, throwing around the word moron does say something about it, though.[/quote']

 

I was angry, NoIDidn't, Im sure thats understandble. There were other choice words I wanted to call him or her at that moment, believe me. I dont know why i keep responding to SignedIn2008. Everything they say is unhelpful anyway.

 

And I would say all the things Ive dealt with in my life are incapable of being done by someone without a certain level of maturity, but I suppose its really stupid of me to care to prove it to people I'll never meet in my life anyway. After all, one not need prove to others what you already know in your heart about yourself.

[signedin2008]

While this all sounds very admirable' date=' it doesn't imply anything about your level of maturity. Now, throwing around the word moron does say something about it, though.[/quote']

 

I couldn't agree more. What she wrote just reinforced my belief that she is indeed immature.

[KismetGirl]

I couldn't agree more. What she wrote just reinforced my belief that she is indeed immature.

 

 

*sigh* I give up. I come on here to vent and get some constructive feedback, but mostly for support as it's supposed to be "The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

SUPPORT being the key word here. And everytime there is someone that has to ruin it. Some person on a morality patrol who thinks they know me better than I know myself. How is my calling someone a moron any more insulting than them telling me Im immature, that I'd make a bad mother, and that Im otherwise a useless human being because I had an affair with someone?

 

Its somewhat infuriating. I need to go to bed now, I have to be at work in 8 hours. Good night.

[norajane]

You think I LIKE being an OW, getting scraps of attention from him when he didn't have to run home to his family? It sucks. Alot.

 

I don't know, actually. In your first threads here, if I recall correctly and I apologize if I'm misremembering, didn't you say that you were ok with it? That you were very busy and there were a lot of stresses in your life, and that seeing him every now and then worked for you and made you happy as a diversion? This has been going on for years, so you must not have been entirely unhappy all this time.

 

It was only more recently that you became upset. When he told you he would understand if you met someone else and left him, and that might be the best thing for you since he would not be leaving his wife. And then again after he broke up with you.

 

So, I'm not sure. Maybe living in limbo was fine for you while you worked on other aspects of your career and med school. But it's no longer fine now because you fell in love with him, and now you know he won't leave his wife for you. Even now, though, I sense you'd continue the affair if he would, even though it's not ideal.

 

If you don't like being an OW, don't be one. I know he's compelling to you, but if you have the kind of strength to support all the people in your life and all those patients, then you have the kind of strength to support yourself without the scraps of attention from him. Maybe his purpose in your life is done and it's time to move on to your next chapter.

[NoIDidn't]

I was angry, NoIDidn't, Im sure thats understandble. There were other choice words I wanted to call him or her at that moment, believe me. I dont know why i keep responding to SignedIn2008. Everything they say is unhelpful anyway.

 

And I would say all the things Ive dealt with in my life are incapable of being done by someone without a certain level of maturity, but I suppose its really stupid of me to care to prove it to people I'll never meet in my life anyway. After all, one not need prove to others what you already know in your heart about yourself.

 

You know, a woman with much the same credentials as you, recently tried to kill her boyfriend AND his W. I agree that Signed is not helping you by flaming you. But, going down the list of your good deeds and obvious intelligence isn't helping you in this situation either. It might even be keeping you there if you are using it to say "see, I'm still a good person".

 

Its not about good person, bad person. Or even mature person, immature person. Its about good choice, bad choice. Good judgment, poor judgment.

 

First of all, seducing a MM when he thinks he won't get caught, isn't all that difficult. So right now, I'm just trying to work on the bad choice and the poor judgment.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe his purpose in your life is done and it's time to move on to your next chapter.

 

Exactly. This is what I mean by bad choice - continuing in any way with him. And poor judgment - thinking that he is in any way a good person given what he is capable of.