Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit

[jj33]

Actually I dont think NoraJane was being facetious (at least not totally). Statistically women are the ones who initiate the divorce fare more often than men do.

 

And though I am repeating myself, men who cheat and are cake eaters (your guy falls into that at the moment KG sorry) have no real reason to end the marriage. They have their needs met just not all by one person. The longer you stay in the A the easier you make it for him to stay.

[norajane]

Haven't you ever avoided doing something because it seemed so difficult or hard, but then in reality it turned out not to be so bad once you got used to it?

 

Yes, but I did eventually break up with my MM and it didn't take 4 years of avoidance first.

 

4 years is already too much life wasted on a guy who is clearly telling you he has no intention of divorcing.

 

Maybe you are thinking out loud but you seem fixated on the idea that he would leave if he didnt have children. Maybe he would and maybe you need to drum it into your head that this has no future for at least 15 years in order to begin to detach. But there are no generalizations in these situations. No matter what they tell the OW it really comes down to just how unhappy they are and how they percieve their life would be after the divorce.

 

Exactly. If MM was so unhappy in his marriage to his wife, he'd leave even though there are children. That's the decision all those people who divorce make, despite the children. Your MM isn't making that choice because it's not JUST the children he's staying for - he isn't done with his wife and his marriage. He's had 4 years of affair to prep himself to leave if that's what he was going to do. Instead, he had 2 more kids in the meantime, solidifying further his desire to stay.

 

The problem is you dont have it all. You have heartache and the roller coaster. It would be one thing if you were able to cope with the A dynamic. But its tearing you apart.

And this is the reason you need to make that decision you are avoiding making because you think it seems so difficult and hard, but will turn out better than you think once you get used to it. It's the only way you are going to have a husband and children of your own.

 

Actually I dont think NoraJane was being facetious (at least not totally). Statistically women are the ones who initiate the divorce fare more often than men do.

I was using the fact to make it seem less sarcastic.

 

But the fact is true.

[OWoman]

Im not saying that divorced fathers are less devoted than an MM who stays for the kids, that's not what I said at all. I said that fear of the unknown, and the scary notion that your kids won't love you as much because you aren't around full time, however illogical, is still a fear that keeps many men around. It might be very selfish , but their thinking is that they like sharing a house with their families and they don't want to be forced to find some crappy bachelor pad apartment after they worked so hard to buy that house, so they can have visitation rights. They dont want visitation rights, they want to live with their kids. I don't think that's so hard to understand, however misguided. You and I both know divorce isn't the end all be all to having a relationship with your children, but many MM don't see it that way.

 

 

KG I don't know where you live, but it must be on Mars if joint custody is uncommon! In my home country, and here in MM's country, it's become the norm (unless it's not in the child's best interest, for whatever reason, or unless BOTH parents have agreed before the D that they'll do it differently AND the judge agrees). It's perfectly possible, if the parents live within a reasonable distancce from each other, for this not to be disruptive - the child/ren simply attend/s school from whichever house they happen to be staying in that week. It's really no biggie. That means, yes, full-time parenting, living with the kids, being there when they wake up and go to sleep... but not having the W around. And then, a week off while she has them, and he gets to give you his undivided attention.

 

This notion that some MMs have that they will "lose" (custody of / access to) their kids if they D is utter horsebollocks! Perhaps it's a scare story put out by the Ws to keep them home, but more likely it's just a convenient label for a great fear of the unknown. (Or the product of their own guilt which makes them think they don't DESERVE joint / primary custody of the kids, therefore no judge will award it, because they've been bad and had hormones.)

 

If he was ready to leave his M, he'd be exploring custdy options in a rational way, not hiding behind a fantasy of banishment.

[marlena]

Out of curiousity, don't you think that a MM's age and stage in life have a huge impact on their decision to leave a marriage?

 

 

No, I don't think that it has anything to do with age but rather with the MM's character. In fact it seems to me that the longer one is in a marriage, the more difficult it is to dissolve that marriage. There's more history, a stronger connection and a heightened sense of responsibilty. Another consideration is the fact that as people get older, they are less likely to make drastic,overwhelming changes in their life. The status quo, whatever it may be, gets very,very comfortable.

[OWoman]

No, I don't think that it has anything to do with age but rather with the MM's character. In fact it seems to me that the longer one is in a marriage, the more difficult it is to dissolve that marriage. There's more history, a stronger connection and a heightened sense of responsibilty. Another consideration is the fact that as people get older, they are less likely to make drastic,overwhelming changes in their life. The status quo, whatever it may be, gets very,very comfortable.

 

Hmmm... My MM was with his BW for more than three decades - yet he left. My father waited until the kids had grown & flown (a good couple of decades) - then he left. And then, of course, there is the stereotype of the Midlife Male, trading in the old cow for a younger model - and steretypes usually have some basis (however distorted) in observed reality.

 

Personally I don't think it has that much to do with age or life stage, but with expectation and one's sense of dessert. If you believe that "you've amde your bed you must lie in it", that duty is your calling and that you deserve no more that what life delivers you, then you're more likely to stay and try to make a go of it, however unhappy you are at core. If, on the other hand, you feel you're entitled to a shot at happiness too, you're less likely to write off your own sense of well-being for "the greater good" and more likely to leave a situation you find genuinely miserable.

[jj33]

PS- Oh, and of course, if a MM doesn't have any kids at all it's a whole other story. Then it's just a matter of the OW or the W, and I don't give a damn what anyone says, kids change EVERYTHING. They may not be the ONLY reason, but they are entirely the largest reason an MM will stick around.

 

KG I think this is where you are stuck. Marriage starts out being about 2 people being in love (in most cases) but its also about practical decisions about making a life with someone and the life that they build together, the history the bonds.

 

You have created a contest between yourself and the W which is not helping you because you seem to feel that if you stay in it you will "win". But its not that simple. Its about the whole life that they have together. A life that forever reason he has made clear he intends to maintain. Every day that he continues to make that choice your tear yourself apart a little bit more wondering why he doesnt choose you. If you could reframe it, perhaps it would be easier for you to detach.

 

On the other hand if its easier for you to believe that if it werent for the kids he would be gone then believe that. It doesnt sound like he has TOLD you any of this. It sounds like you are inferring it from his behavior, piecing together various things he has told you. So you get to believe anything that makes it easier for you to detach. And you should do that. Anything to get yourself in a position where you can resist continuing to see him.

[KismetGirl]

KG I think this is where you are stuck. Marriage starts out being about 2 people being in love (in most cases) but its also about practical decisions about making a life with someone and the life that they build together, the history the bonds.

 

You have created a contest between yourself and the W which is not helping you because you seem to feel that if you stay in it you will "win". But its not that simple. Its about the whole life that they have together. A life that forever reason he has made clear he intends to maintain. Every day that he continues to make that choice your tear yourself apart a little bit more wondering why he doesnt choose you. If you could reframe it, perhaps it would be easier for you to detach.

 

On the other hand if its easier for you to believe that if it werent for the kids he would be gone then believe that. It doesnt sound like he has TOLD you any of this. It sounds like you are inferring it from his behavior, piecing together various things he has told you. So you get to believe anything that makes it easier for you to detach. And you should do that. Anything to get yourself in a position where you can resist continuing to see him.

 

Again jj you are a voice of reason, and I get where you're coming from. There are always two ways of looking at everything, and in a way you're right, I try to find some rationalization that maybe just maybe "if not for this or if not for that" he might heave chosen me. Im not sure anymore what its going to take for me to give this up shy of meetin someone else, though everyone else seems to think its impossible for me to meet someone else while Im still in love with MM, so Im in a bit of a catch 22 because I dont see myself falling out of love with him anytime soon unless he does something in which he is really just mean and vicious to my face, and Im not sure he would do that unless I started acting crazy and threatening to tear his family apart or something. I suppose I might just wake up one day and have an epiphany that he's a douchebag and I should never speak to him again, but at the moment the first thing I think when I wake up is that I wish I could find some excuse to talk to him again.

 

I mean, who knows. Maybe last week was a fluke. A one time slip up on his part. Maybe he wont come by here anymore and put himself in temptation's way. Maybe he just had a moment of weakness.

 

Don't worry I wasn't intending on sitting around for 15 years waiting for the kids to grow up. I havent reached that level of insanity. Once I get really into the throws of med school I probably won't have time to see him at all. Right now he knows my exact schedule.....when Im home from work, from class, barring the occasional times I stray from the schedule, though I dont stray from it much these days.

 

So I guess the question for me here is....what constitutes rockbottom for me? Wonder of wonders....

[whichwayisup]

I mean, who knows. Maybe last week was a fluke. A one time slip up on his part. Maybe he wont come by here anymore and put himself in temptation's way. Maybe he just had a moment of weakness.

 

But you opened the door. You BOTH made a mistake and had a moment of weakness.

 

Look, you have your WHOLE life ahead of you, in the medical field. DO NOT LET THIS MM OR ANY OTHER MAN RUIN your plans. You're young, you're smart and this on/off again affair WILL ruin who you are, let alone get in the way of accomplishing what you want out of life.

 

Your rockbottom? Well, do you want to really hit your rockbottom or do you want to cut it off at the path now? Seriously, if you can't end it on your own, get strong and fight the urges against him, SEEK counselling, otherwise you'll be posting here again in a year, talking about how messed up your life is and how you can't focus and concentrate in medical school. Now that would be a shame...

[alphamale]

But you opened the door. You BOTH made a mistake and had a moment of weakness....

quite.....

[wildsoul]

But you opened the door. You BOTH made a mistake and had a moment of weakness.

Wait up a sec. Now I'm confused...

 

KG: Before you had this encounter w/ him, had YOU declared that you didn't want to see him again? Or was that just his stated intention?

 

I forget where you're at with wanting to continue vs end the A. I was under the impression that you haven't decided yet.

[whichwayisup]

I mean she literally opened the door. He walked in and then ... Well... No self control on behalf of them both. He apparently was supposed to wait downstairs but got impatient, mistake number one. Then she allowed him inside her place, mistake number two...And then chosen mistake number three happened.

[KismetGirl]

Wait up a sec. Now I'm confused...

 

KG: Before you had this encounter w/ him, had YOU declared that you didn't want to see him again? Or was that just his stated intention?

 

I forget where you're at with wanting to continue vs end the A. I was under the impression that you haven't decided yet.

 

 

No, I had NOT wanted to end the A yet. HE came to ME a couple of weeks ago, I think it was the week before thanksgiving, with the whole guilt-routine that he has every couple of years, telling me he felt he was being selfish by risking losing his kids because he had almost gotten caught like twice in one week and it had freaked him out. Two days before this happened he was texting me to make plans to come over again as usual per our weekly trysts, but then he had a couple of scares on getting caught and decided to end things (again). I was devastated but didnt argue. Im guessing almost getting caught, coupled with guilt, coupled with the holidays looming around the corner are the reason he's had this "we can't do this anymore" moment again.

 

So when I had to contact him to tell him I had some papers to give him, I thought I was respecting his decision to end things by telling him to wait in his car downstairs. I specifically told him I would come down to give it to him, rather than him coming up to my apartment. HE decided to come upstairs instead of waiting.....and well, once he was upstairs, standing in my flat, the temptation was too great. We can't be alone and expect nothing to happen, even despite his weak attempts at telling me "we can't do this", he was two inches from my face with his hand on my waist at the same time, telling me how good I smelled. It's just an impossibility for us to be near each other without there being ridiculous sexual tension.

 

So to answer your question, no, I hadn't wanted anything to end yet. Still don't really....and to be honest, I don't think he wants to A to end, per say. I think he's just having a guilty fit again and worried about getting caught. I suspect if there was some way to assure he would never get caught, he'd be coming over every day. When he came upstairs, and weakly stated "we cant do this" and I said "you know you want to, otherwise you wouldnt have come up" he admitted, "of course I WANT to, I've wanted you every day for four years, that isn't the point".

 

Did I explain better? let me know if you need me to clarify further. I start to ramble sometimes and am incapable of succinctly answering anything sometimes

[KismetGirl]

I mean she literally opened the door. He walked in and then ... Well... No self control on behalf of them both. He apparently was supposed to wait downstairs but got impatient, mistake number one. Then she allowed him inside her place, mistake number two...And then chosen mistake number three happened.

 

Lol, WWIU, he didn't get impatient. When he texted me "I'm downstairs" I literally grabbed my keys and within 1 or 2 seconds was ready to go downstairs, its not like he had waited even a minute for me to come down. He must have texted me and looked up at my window and immediately gotten out of his car without waiting at all. I heard the door bell right as I grabbed my keys to go downstairs, and knew exactly what he was doing.

 

Despite his feeble attempts at "resisting" me when he came upstairs, he knew damn well what he was doing when he decided to come up instead of waiting in the car downstairs as we had agreed..,,

[sb129]

You could have said no.

 

Sounds like you are both as weak as eachother when it comes to this.

I think he is the weaker party- which is exactly why you should take the lead and be the stronger one and say NO to him.

[KismetGirl]

You could have said no.

 

Sounds like you are both as weak as eachother when it comes to this.

I think he is the weaker party- which is exactly why you should take the lead and be the stronger one and say NO to him.

 

 

I could have said no. But I didn't want to. I got tunnel vision when he set foot in my door. If I was a man, I'd say my penis took over all my thinking. When he put his hand on my waist, forget it. After two weeks of being depressed, thinking he didn't want me anymore, thinking he had so easily forgotten about me, it was so nice to see that he was having as hard a time as I was forgetting about the affair.....just couldn't resist. He knows what buttons to push with me, but Im not some naive little girl....I know exactly how to push his buttons too. I know that if I speak to him he'll break, I know if he hears my voice he'll respond, I know that if e's standing right in front of me I have to do little more than smile at him the right way and kiss him on his neck right at the point it reaches his jawline and he'll totally lose it. We both know each other's soft spots.....and unfortunately we both have not gotten to that point yet where we can resist those little moves......

[sb129]

To be blunt KG-

 

You CAN always say no. You just don't want to give up on this yet, because deep down you still want to believe that you have a future together.

 

Anyone can manipulate someone into thinking that they are special so that they will sleep with them. Your guy doesn't HAVE to resist anything- one look from him and you are putty in his hands, just like the good little "bit on the side" that you are. You are kidding yourself if you think that you are the one doing the manipulating- by doing that you are still doing things on HIS terms.

 

I am really sorry to put it like that, but that does seem to be the role you fill in his life. A sexual one.

 

Your "relationship" doesn't have a healthy future, IMO, which is why it is up to YOU to be the one doing the resisting if you really want to value yourself and end it.

 

KG- you deserve better than this.

[jwi71]

 

The only problem here is that...I WANT to tell his W. But I dont think I want to tell her for the right reasons. I feel like my motivation to tell her is all driven by revenge, and wanting him to hurt like I hurt, to have his world not be so perfect the way mine has been so emotionally tumultuous. And I envy his wife. Strange huh? I envy a woman whose husband has been cheating on her on and off for at least half the time she's been married, through the better part of two of her pregnancies. But at the end of the day she has his kids and his life and gets to sleep next to him at night and I envy that. And I feel like by telling her, the only motivation I have is to take it all away from her. And strangely, I don't want to be malicious to her. I tell myself that if only one of us can be happy with him, then it's better than both of us being miserable. I'll admit that part of me has selfish thoughts.....most people do have selfish thoughts. if he came to me tomorrow and said "Im divorcing my wife and want to be with you", I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled. But he isn't saying that. And I honestly don't think he's going to cheat on her with anyone else. He hasn't been with anyone else but me and her in 7 years, his paranoia and guilt wouldn't even let him figure out how to fit another mistress into his life lol, trust me, he had hard enough time just with me. So I kind of just say, well, if I can't have him permanently, then I guess she should be able to live out her blissful ignorance. Let his kids have their dad full time at home, if that's how isn't going to be. Better than neither me nor her being with him, because Im pretty sure if I told her he'd hate me for it, and Im not sure I could handle that emotionally right now either.

 

Don't you think motivation behind an action is at least a little important? The fact that my telling his wife is driven only by revenge....that's not bad?

 

You are in love with the ideal of being with him. That he will come home to you every night and play with your kids by him - white picket fence, winters by the fire and all the other Hallmark stuff. And that's perfectly normal. Its also FANTASY. He won't leave her to be with you (or anyone else). He CHOOSES that. And you enable him.

 

Find someone who CAN and WILL give you that "Hallmark" life.

 

So how to get from convenience to being on a pedestal? In your particular case, I have been saying to tell the W.

 

I'd like to change that. Change it to: "tell your lover if ever contacts you again, you will tell his W".

 

I hope this has the same affect while sparing you the guilt and angst you fear resulting from a tell-all speech. I hope it is a significant enough to prevent him from contacting you. When he presses for "why?", do NOT tell him (he will manipulate you with it). Simply respond with "I WANT it to END". That is your mantra to all his manipulative questions.

 

BUT. You must be prepared to follow through. Any further contact, even if a year later, must be met with the tell all.

 

I normally find ultimatums a bad idea as they tend to trap the issuer far more than the receiver. In this case, with his fear high and you KG already stuck and unwilling to take the drastic steps, I see the downside as acceptable given the chance of successful outcome. Issue it.

 

KG, as long as he is around your life is on hold. I would personally like you to live. Especially since every minute lost is unrecoverable. Some day you will get to the point where you honestly end it - and not just lip service. The truly sad part is all the lost time - yours, his and his W's.

[frannie]

Some MM do leave, but if they are leaving, they certainly don't play games and act selfish in the sense of doing NC, then showing up at someone's door - Having sex and then quickly leaving. Also, MM who leave their wives and kids for the OW do it as quickly as possible, they don't continue to have the A and live at home for X amount of years.

 

... Also one has to look at the treatment during the process. Not everyone's situation is like GEL and her MM. He separated quickly and did everything she asked and needed him to do. Their affair wasn't hidden for long let alone dragged on and on like afew others around here.

 

WWIU I just can't agree with this. While there may be some MM who behave differently from the 'usual', it's just not true that MM who are going to leave exhibit vastly different behaviour than those who have every intention of staying. That's why it's so difficult as the OW, because the behaviour and what they say doesn't indicate very much at all in the way of final outcome.

 

Two to four years or even more of messing around, going back, going NC and breaking it, saying one thing and doing another, pledging love and letting you down is completely average and normal for a MM who IS, and who ISN'T eventually going to leave. In this GEL's MM is no different from any other we've seen on here. As norajane said:

 

Well, let's not give GEL's MM so many gold stars. He lied to GEL for a year about being married in the first place - she had no idea he was married. And then after she knew and was OW for a while with him still not leaving his W, she had to break up with him for a while. I don't know how long that break-up lasted, but it was only THEN that he decided he wanted to get back together with GEL and started plans to leave his wife.

 

That doesn't make GEL's MM any worse, or any better (and that's the point!) than the majority of MM. There is no easy way to predict what will happen, all you can do is look for signs. And if a sign of a man who wouldn't leave would be that he'd lie for a year about being married at all, and then miss more than one deadline and have to have NC imposed on him then everyone would be saying GEL's bloke wasn't worth bothering with. But look, for GEL he was. So where does that leave predictions?

 

However:

 

In Kis's situation, her MM doesn't seem to really WANT to leave his wife and kids. Seems he just wants Kismet on the side.

 

THIS I agree with. Because kismet's MM doesn't seem to ever have said he wanted to leave, or had any intention of leaving, and has continued to add kids into the mix. BUT. Again, I've seen (on the other board), OW who were happy being OW and whose MM seemingly had 'no intention' of ever leaving suddenly announce they're getting a divorce. That's happened more than a handful of times, and it sometimes/often doesn't even please the OW who is happy with the status quo.

 

Really, there's no hard and fast rule to be applied. But I do wonder whether this is even relevant to kismet, for the reasons stated.

[serial muse]

WWIU I just can't agree with this. While there may be some MM who behave differently from the 'usual', it's just not true that MM who are going to leave exhibit vastly different behaviour than those who have every intention of staying. That's why it's so difficult as the OW, because the behaviour and what they say doesn't indicate very much at all in the way of final outcome.

 

Two to four years or even more of messing around, going back, going NC and breaking it, saying one thing and doing another, pledging love and letting you down is completely average and normal for a MM who IS, and who ISN'T eventually going to leave. In this GEL's MM is no different from any other we've seen on here. As norajane said:

 

 

 

That doesn't make GEL's MM any worse, or any better (and that's the point!) than the majority of MM. There is no easy way to predict what will happen, all you can do is look for signs. And if a sign of a man who wouldn't leave would be that he'd lie for a year about being married at all, and then miss more than one deadline and have to have NC imposed on him then everyone would be saying GEL's bloke wasn't worth bothering with. But look, for GEL he was. So where does that leave predictions?

 

However:

 

 

 

THIS I agree with. Because kismet's MM doesn't seem to ever have said he wanted to leave, or had any intention of leaving, and has continued to add kids into the mix. BUT. Again, I've seen (on the other board), OW who were happy being OW and whose MM seemingly had 'no intention' of ever leaving suddenly announce they're getting a divorce. That's happened more than a handful of times, and it sometimes/often doesn't even please the OW who is happy with the status quo.

 

Really, there's no hard and fast rule to be applied. But I do wonder whether this is even relevant to kismet, for the reasons stated.

 

I think it's very true that in most cases, you really can't reliably predict what'll happen. And naturally, that'd be pretty crazy-making for the OW (let alone the BS).

 

I do have to say that it makes me wonder why anyone would risk it, though. Of course I know that people don't in fact enter into an affair as a rational plan, or by analyzing the question "is this really what's best for me?" But people talk themselves into some serious pain by convincing themselves that the odds are somehow beatable.

[SerenityX2]

[quote=whichwayisup;1949915

Your rockbottom? Well, do you want to really hit your rockbottom or do you want to cut it off at the path now? Seriously, if you can't end it on your own, get strong and fight the urges against him, SEEK counselling, otherwise you'll be posting here again in a year, talking about how messed up your life is and how you can't focus and concentrate in medical school. Now that would be a shame...

 

 

 

This is exactly the fear you should concern yourself with.

 

What is rock bottom? Only you can answer that for yourself, but when you originally came here, you were complaining that he no longer hung out with you or met you anywhere outside the bedroom, you said if this was just a sex thing, you’d want to know from him so you could eff him and send him on his way. He’s now proven beyond a doubt that’s all it is for him, yet you cling.

 

You then asked how can you find out if he’s still having sex with his W. You said it would bother you as you couldn’t understand why he needed you then and you were utterly convinced he couldn’t be having it more than every couple of mos with her and you even said if another baby comes into the picture you will lose it, you’ll have to end it. Well, now he’s admitted he does it at least 1x wk with her, and yet somehow you’ve become okay with this. That his wife is only getting laid at her request he’s just going along with it! And keep in mind just b/c he’s admitting to once a week, could very well be more, what on earth would he have to gain by telling you the truth?

 

He’s reduced you to nothing more than a booty call now, as he’s “trying” to end it and yet still you are reconciled that it’s good for you. Why? Because you still cling to the hope that he will leave for you.

 

He’s never admitted anything close to that, in fact ALL of his actions state otherwise, the email that he wrote in his confusion, he never said he wished things were different and that it was you and not her….he ONLY said that he wished he didn’t have the guilt in having you two he wished he could have BOTH and no guilt…OR not have strong feelings (sex) for you, that’s it…..that isn’t love….but still you cling to the hope that it is.

 

He has a different meaning of love and happiness, that’s obvious from his actions, it doesn’t make sense to you b/c it’s not your definition, but it is his, he’s made it clear he will choose her over and over again if there’s a risk and it’s not about the kids, it’s about their entire history and bond that increases with each day. Just because he can look at you with lust, and awe and want doesn’t make him love you. His actions would show you love….he has none for you. He protects her not you.

 

You are losing yourself bit by bit because you keep extending what you will tolerate and you’re not even aware b/c you’re allowing it thinking you are in control and you are not, this is the start of the loss of self esteem. You seem to think that b/c you can list all of your great qualities that it makes you self assured. It doesn’t. The fact that you need him or any guy to validate your beauty or worth, DOES speak about how you feel DEEP inside, that’s what you don’t want to face. That you have to see this beauty and worth about yourself, BY YOURSELF. YOU validate for you.

 

I’m sorry people are giving you hope in saying he may leave down the line. Keep saying it’s just for the kids that he’s staying, keep telling yourself when you’ve graduated med school he’ll run to you. You are only hurting yourself, at the end of the day he’s in bed with her, wakes up with her. The wishes haven’t changed anything for you. You haven’t spent any quality time with him let alone an overnight to even really KNOW him…..you only know the fantasy of what you created and he’s allowed you to see. Hardly the basis of love.

 

Med school is going to be hard. You’ve already been a mess b/c of this A with your classes now. It’s only going to intensify and you’re not seeing that. As I told you, I’m in nursing school now and my stress is incredible I couldn’t imagine it without the support of my husband, but of the people that I know in school that started out with bad r’ships, either they washed out or got out of the r’ships. One or the other will crash and burn.

 

You should get mad at how he is treating you Kismet. He has ZERO respect for you. Most women would not put up with sharing a man, you think he doesn’t realize this? This allows him to treat you worse,he KNOWS how hung up on him you are and that you aren’t going anywhere. He sees you as sexy fun and a respite from real life, that’s it. Please regain your self respect and walk away, your rock bottom will most likely be too late since you’re not aware how deep you already are in this.

 

Kismet you are going to do what you will. No one will change that. You will have to reach your rock bottom, sad as that is. Most of us can see this train wreck and really are trying to spare you but I think it's probably useless as you want to believe in your fantasy. You do control your happiness Kismet. Your choice.

[Impudent Oyster]

PS- he couldnt afford child support and alimony even if he wanted to. She's a stay at home mom, and he took on a second job consulting in the same field he already works in to pay for everything. He bitches all the time about their finances. There's no way in hell he could afford to give his kids the same quality of life while trying to pay for two households....he is going crazy trying to pay for the big house they bought two years ago as it is.

 

I see. Another poor defenseless MM whose wife tricked him into having not one, not two but THREE children and then forced him to go and buy a big house for all those kids she decided to have all on her own. I bet she took advantage of him when he was drunk.

 

I hate when that happens.

[Impudent Oyster]

Once I get really into the throws of med school I probably won't have time to see him at all..

 

BTW it's "throes of med school". I'm pretty sure that when they evaluate your essay on the GMAT's that spelling matters.

[KismetGirl]

BTW it's "throes of med school". I'm pretty sure that when they evaluate your essay on the GMAT's that spelling matters.

 

 

I don't pay attention to spelling with Im distressed , apologies. And it's not the GMAT.....'tis the MCAT and supporting application with personal statement.....

 

well, that's what spell check's for I guess. No one said you had to be a perfect speller to be a doctor did they? Hell, half the doctors at the hospital barely speak english....

[climbergirl]

Long story short...I know a man who was married many years and had two small children. He met a woman with whom he fell in love and after a year of being friends they had an affair for a few weeks until OW called it off. She refused to be in 'second place' to a man she loved. That and they both felt tremendous guilt.

 

He, like your MM, said that the marriage was 'ok'. He never said anything bad about his wife.

 

After OW called it off, he left his wife less than a month later. He and OW are now married and happily so. He and his ex share joint custody.

 

What it comes down to is motivation and weighing pros vs cons. Clearly the 'pros' of staying with his wife outweigh the 'pros' of being with you. I'm not insinuating that your MM doesn't care about you, but you are not his priority. And it's not just his kids who are the priority. Based on what you said that he called it off for fear of being caught-you have to realize that his wife and her feelings are a priority over you.

 

You deserve better than to be 'second'. Don't waste 4 more years.

[Impudent Oyster]

Oh right...I'm thinking of business school.

 

So you're thinking of going to med school? You won't have time for any man, even a married one.