Feeling bad

[Michael]

Hello all,

 

Eight weeks ago tonight, my girlfriend of two years asked for a separation. Said she need time to get over the hurt and anger she felt because I was "judging" her. It was the first time she said anything. I had no clue what she was talking about. I idi a lot of soulsearching, and reading, and dsicovered that I had been giving too much -- trying to fix all her problems, caretaking, etc. I now understand that this is a mistake. I told her, and she agreed that this is what the problem was. She still needed some time, she said, to figure herself out, find out who she is. I reluctantly agreed. Then four weeks ago, she called (I was away on a business trip, 3000 miles away) and broke up with me, saying that she loved me, but didn't want to be selfsih, so she was going to let me go. I finally saw her almost two weeks ago, and we had a long talk over diner. She said she loves me deeply, but has to get through the issues she is facing. She said she "thought we would be fine" but won't say anything more. She told a friend that she thought in 2-3 months she'd want to come back. I'm going out of my mind. I love her, and wnat her back, but I know she has to want it too, and she just keeps saying to me that she just doesn't know what she wants. I've not called for a week now, and I haven't heard a peep from her. Do I call, let her know I'm here, or just move on. I'm miserable...

[Tony T]

Don't call her...don't send her letters, messages through friends, smoke signals...or anything.

 

After two years, a person pretty well knows where they want to be in a relationship. By telling you she needs some time to discover herself, find out who she is, etc., what she is really saying is that she wants to move on. I know this is heartbreaking...I have been there.

 

I really don't understand what the relationship is between her hurt and anger that you are judging her and her feeling that it is a problem for you to give too much and try to fix her problems. This is a dead giveaway that she is confused and just wants you away for a while. And why would you want someone in your life that you have to work to fix all the time. That is not a healthy relationship.

 

There a possibility that you have pointed out so many of her problems that her self esteem has plunged and she just wants to be away from someone who judges her and trys to fix her all the time. That would bother anybody.

 

Fact is, if she really wanted this relationship there would be no question in her mind and she wouldn't need time away. She clearly demonstrated that when she broke up with you. Basically, it sounds like cares about you, is trying to be considerate of your feelings and therefore wanting to let you down as easy as possible. Breaking a relationship of any kind is NOT EASY for a nice lady but necessary because she is not feeling you are the right person for her.

 

(People love other people because of the way they make them feel when they are around. If you are always finding fault with her, judging her, fixing her, you aren't making her feel very good and therefore there is just no way she can love you in a truly constructive way).

 

(For your further information, when a lady is hurt by things you say and do such as constant criticism, those who aren't very assertive or argumentative will simply remain silent...but the hurt accumulates until it becomes intolerable such as in this case. When she couldn't take it any more, she could no longer remain silent. You were surprised by her desire to break up...but she had been living with the pain and hurt for some time)

 

If you make an annoyance of yourself by calling her or making contact in other ways, you will piss her off and underscore her decision to get away from you. Additionally, to the degree you make this split easy for her and not make her feel so guilty...the likelihood of her wanting to get back together in the future increases.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is take the time to heal from this relationship...move on...and find someone who feels very passionate about you and doesn't have to take time out to decide what her feelings are.

 

I don't think your chances are too good with you ex here but if she does come back at some future date and you are free to explore the relationship again, be very cautious if you are so inclined to revisit the situation at all.

 

The lesson here is that you aren't on this earth to fix people. If you date someone and you feel you have to constantly make repairs, that's your signal to move on. I am sorry you are feeling miserable but the lesson learned here will hopefully prevent that from happening in the future. Good luck!!!

[Jesaco]

Hello all, Eight weeks ago tonight, my girlfriend of two years asked for a separation. Said she need time to get over the hurt and anger she felt because I was "judging" her. It was the first time she said anything. I had no clue what she was talking about. I idi a lot of soulsearching, and reading, and dsicovered that I had been giving too much -- trying to fix all her problems, caretaking, etc. I now understand that this is a mistake. I told her, and she agreed that this is what the problem was. She still needed some time, she said, to figure herself out, find out who she is. I reluctantly agreed. Then four weeks ago, she called (I was away on a business trip, 3000 miles away) and broke up with me, saying that she loved me, but didn't want to be selfsih, so she was going to let me go. I finally saw her almost two weeks ago, and we had a long talk over diner. She said she loves me deeply, but has to get through the issues she is facing. She said she "thought we would be fine" but won't say anything more. She told a friend that she thought in 2-3 months she'd want to come back. I'm going out of my mind. I love her, and wnat her back, but I know she has to want it too, and she just keeps saying to me that she just doesn't know what she wants. I've not called for a week now, and I haven't heard a peep from her. Do I call, let her know I'm here, or just move on. I'm miserable...

Hi!

 

She already knows you're there. And you said it all when you said "she has to want it too". If you've already told her that you love her, and want her to be a part of your life, then there's nothing more that you can do.

 

You need to start working on not being miserable now. You may feel the hurt for a long time, but it will never go away until you do something about it.

 

Start going out and meeting people again, and spending time with friends. enjoy people's company and have some fun. And if you're worried about your girlfriend, it's okay to call her and ask her how she's doing. It shows that you care about her. But make sure you're in the right mind set when you call her. Don't call if you're feeling lonely or depressed about not being able to be with her. Make the phone call when you are thinking of her and just wondering if she's okay.

 

Good luck,

 

Jesaco