Surnames after marriage

[OWoman]

OK, this is probably going to sound like such a non-issue, but...

 

What do you guys feel about keeping or changing surnames after getting married?

 

In my home country, a woman is legally allowed to take, or keep, any surname (or combination thereof) to which she has a claim by descent or marriage (the same for a guy, though they seldom practice that). When I married my xH, I took his surname because it was a common name, and I'd struggled all my life having to spell out my surname and help people to pronounce it, etc - and it also led people to assume my home language to be something else and address me in that . After the D, I kept that name, because it would have meant getting ID and passport reissued, closing bank accounts etc and of course all my degree certificates and professional credentials are in my married name, as well all my publications, so it made sense professionally too. (And, of course, the kids have their father's surname too... )

 

Now, I'm about to remarry. My SO isn't fussed about the name I keep, or take. He'd happily change his, but that's not feasible as his professional identity (he's a world expert in his field, so his name is a "brand") relies on his name. I'm currently in his country, though we plan to marry in mine, but changing my name would create all kinds of logistical problems around bank accounts etc that I'd rather not mess with at this stage. But... it does create the spectre of a third person - my xH - lurking in our marital bedroom.

 

I know that, were our positions reversed, I wouldn't be happy with him keeping his W's surname; I would want him to take mine, or revert to his orginal one (or take something new). He's mindful of the professional and logistical implications for me of changing my name, and claims not to be bothered either way. But then, he would say that, wouldn't he?

 

How do others feel about this? Is this an issue or not?

[norajane]

But... it does create the spectre of a third person - my xH - lurking in our marital bedroom.

 

Has your xH been lurking in your bedroom up until now? Have you felt that presence there? Why would it suddenly appear just because you signed a legal marriage document?

 

Also, if his STBXW keeps his name, does that mean she's lurking in your marital bedroom? Have you been lurking in your exH's bedroom since you've kept his name all this time?

 

Do you see how you can take that to absurd extremes of thought? It's more in your head than anything else. It's only an issue if it is an issue for you, or him, and it doesn't sound like it's an issue for him.

 

My SO isn't fussed about the name I keep, or take.

 

He's mindful of the professional and logistical implications for me of changing my name, and claims not to be bothered either way. But then, he would say that, wouldn't he?

 

Oh, I disagree. He would totally say something if it bothered him. People have very strong views on this subject.

 

In your case, I'd say keep your current name, unless you really would feel your exH lurking. If you fear that wouldn't be able to get that out of your mind, then you should change your name. Because it will keep bugging you if you don't.

 

I, personally, would change mine, but I have one of those names I always have to spell for people. The only reason I wouldn't change it is if I hated his last name.

[Ronni_W]

Tough one!!!

For record, I kept my birth name when I got married -- so my response is just my intuition and guessing as to how I might feel in your situation.

 

I think I would feel weird keeping my ex-husband's family name, and being married into another (3rd) family. But I totally get the hassle of your career name being the (2nd) family's -- to clarify, the birth name being the 'first family'.

 

I think I'd try to take the easiest route -- change name legally (to 1st or 3rd, probably I'd choose my own family name)...but continue to use my "career name" -- would try to see that name as identifying my own "brand" rather than as some sort of connection to my former in-laws.

 

Not sure if my brain would be able to pull-off this scenario though but, if it can, only half of my legal documents would need to be changed-over anytime soon. (I may or may not get around to changing all the certificates and professional membership stuff at some point in the distant future.)

 

BTW. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials -- wishing you both a long and happy

 

EDIT: 2nd name as "career name" also links me to my kids...that would make it even more palatable, to me. (Though I don't have kids in my real life...just more of my intuitive guessing.)

[quankanne]

when both my sisters remarried, they used ex-husband's surname as their legal middle name because they had kids, and that provided a link: Annie Smith Dawson, mother of Elly Smith, etc.

 

I used DH's surname only when we first married, but when I started this job, my boss said to use maiden and married names to give our hispanic readers a link, so I've got Quank Anne Maidenname Marriedname as my byline, and people call asking for me either last name. Somehow, it works.

 

if your husband is okay with you keeping the same last name as your kids as part of your new married name, I'd say go for it. The only way your ex is going to be in the marriage is if you keep him at the forefront, you know? Because having his name really isn't so much because it's HIS name, but because it's the kids' name. And they trump your ex any day!

 

and congrats on your upcoming nuptials

[Geishawhelk]

In France and Italy, a woman is not only expected to retain her single name, in part, but it is obligatory, because tracing back families for health or legal reasons is made so much easier.

Therefore, my mother's married name contains her maiden name also. My father just has his own English surname.

 

When I lived in France, all my legal documents (driving licence, Permit de Sejour) had to also bear my maiden name, even though I am not French!

[OWoman]

Thanks all for the feedback, and well wishes!

 

Has your xH been lurking in your bedroom up until now? Have you felt that presence there? Why would it suddenly appear just because you signed a legal marriage document?

 

Also, if his STBXW keeps his name, does that mean she's lurking in your marital bedroom? Have you been lurking in your exH's bedroom since you've kept his name all this time?

 

Do you see how you can take that to absurd extremes of thought? It's more in your head than anything else. It's only an issue if it is an issue for you, or him, and it doesn't sound like it's an issue for him.

 

NJ you make a lot of sense, and perhaps I'm just swayed by things I've heard from friends whose Ws have kept their xH's surnames (for professional reasons) into their subsequent marriages. But I am very sensitive to baggage - we'll be moving into "their" house shortly (his s2bxw has finally found somewhere else to move to, and he's bought her out) though the plan is to redo it completely to make it "ours"; and I don't want to be dragging baggage of my own in there as there'll be enough to sweep out! (His s2bxw btw never took his name, and the kids have a double-barrel version of both of their names).

 

I, personally, would change mine, but I have one of those names I always have to spell for people. The only reason I wouldn't change it is if I hated his last name.

 

My current surname is very common in my home country, but no one in this country has a clue how to pronounce (or spell) it, so I'm finding I'm back where I was with my original surname!

 

I think I'd try to take the easiest route -- change name legally (to 1st or 3rd, probably I'd choose my own family name)...but continue to use my "career name" -- would try to see that name as identifying my own "brand" rather than as some sort of connection to my former in-laws.

 

I suppose the concern I'd have, career-wise - since we're all in the same field - is that if I did change my name to his, it might look as though I was trying to feed off his "brand" (though his specialism is rather different to mine). Perhaps I should do a "Madonna" and just drop my surname entirely, in the professional arena

 

if your husband is okay with you keeping the same last name as your kids as part of your new married name, I'd say go for it. The only way your ex is going to be in the marriage is if you keep him at the forefront, you know? Because having his name really isn't so much because it's HIS name, but because it's the kids' name. And they trump your ex any day!

 

This is true - I suppose those kinds of things are important in blended families, even if they're dispersed!

 

 

In France and Italy, a woman is not only expected to retain her single name, in part, but it is obligatory, because tracing back families for health or legal reasons is made so much easier.

Therefore, my mother's married name contains her maiden name also. My father just has his own English surname.

 

When I lived in France, all my legal documents (driving licence, Permit de Sejour) had to also bear my maiden name, even though I am not French!

 

That does sound sensible, until you consider I have three "given" names (my mother was Catholic), and I'd then have a birth surname, a surname by first marriage, and a surname by second marriage - six names in all! I'd need serious muscles to carry documents big enough to fit all of that on them! (I tend to use only my first given name and my surname, though legally the others are still listed in my ID, my passport, on my bank account, etc. I always swore I'd drop the other two given names legally once my grandmother passed - one is hers - but by that stage the damage was done and they were all over everything anyway, so I've just lived with them ever since...)

 

Right - lots of food for thought. The beginnings of a way forward look like they're emerging - time for a chat with the beloved, methinks!

[Geishawhelk]

Your prior married names are irrelevant.

What counts is your current married name, and your maiden name.

In France/Italy, they don't care how many forenames/married names you have, or have had.

What counts is your maiden name.

[quankanne]

I have three "given" names (my mother was Catholic)

 

Mary Margaret Elizabeth! I *told* you not to be naughty! (sorry, but Catholic names are good yelling names ...)

[OWoman]

I have three "given" names (my mother was Catholic)

 

Mary Margaret Elizabeth! I *told* you not to be naughty! (sorry, but Catholic names are good yelling names ...)

 

They also invoke the saints - double whammy!

[Sunshine11]

My stepmom changed her name when she first married, and her children have their dad's name. When they divorced, she kept the name her current name, and thus the name her children had. When she married my dad, she changed her name to his, and I believe she dropped her former married name, but keeps her maiden name as a middle name.

 

I struggle with similar issues you do if I get married, for my career is just beginning, and by the time I marry, it might already be set enough with enough certifications and degrees that I can't really change it and not have a setback in my career.

 

I personally would not feel comfortable with an exH's name in a new marriage. With that said, to each her own: there is no right way or wrong way. And changing the paperwork for identification cards and bank accounts is a one-time hassle. Also, my guess is you don't have to change your degrees, just your current certifications. Or, you could wait till you get recertified, and change them as they come along.

 

It's a tough decision, but the good news is that in the end, who you are as a person, how good you are at your job, and your relationship have little to do with how people look you up in the phone book.