mendsley Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 I have been going thru alot with my wife for 10 years. Been seperated for 4 months and 1 month ago found out she had an online affair for 5 months. So I went down and visited her and the kids for Thanksgiving and we had a wonderful time, we did not talk about any drama, just focused on having a fun time together. We did have a good time but I noticed a few things that bugged me, I kissed her and noticed she was just half assing it to keep me happy so I stopped. She never really initiated any contact with me and she did not want me to stay at the house with her so I stayed with a family member. I took this trip as US working on our relationship but I think her thought were to have a good time, was I in the wrong to think that? Since I have been back she has said she really had a good time and was glad I came down, but she has never called me or text messaged me to talk I always have to initiate the contact. I don't know if this is her way of saying I need to get the picture and move on or ???? So I have not talked to her all day and plan on not talking to her until she calls me, I have made plenty attempts to talk with her but she never attempts to talk to me. Is this wise for me to do this or would this just enforce the whole out of sight out of mind saying?? Thanks- Link to post Share on other sites
LostHusband Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 If you guys are separated you should not be trying to go and kiss her and act like you are still together. Why did you separate? Separation usually means you have to start moving on from the first day of the separation. If you guys both wanted to be together you wouldn't have separated in the first place. Sorry about all this I know it is painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 I think kissing her probably made her uncomfortable. You both probably have different definitions of what 'working on it' means so you probably need to define that. I think you did good by reading the signals and backing off. That showed a lot of respect on your part. I'm not nuts about how she's acting and about how she didn't want you to stay there but didn't address it beforehand. Seems to be a lot of miscommunication between the two of you and I'm guessing that's not a new thing. I'm usually one to tell a guy to chase the woman with all his heart but I don't do that when I think the woman is acting like she has lost respect for the guy. And that's what I think is happening here. Because she had an affair, she really should be making the effort to repair her marriage with you. But since she doesn't seem to be doing that with any believable behavior, then I think it's probably a good idea to just let things go quiet for awhile and see if she makes any attempt to contact you. The relationship seems very lopsided at this point and you need to get it back on a more level playing field. If she's always confident that you'll hang around waiting on her or jumping through hoops for her, then she'll get too comfortable and lose respect for you. This is also called 'taking you for granted'. Silence can be a powerful tool that people consistently underestimate. It makes a person wonder what you're up to, why you're not begging them to come back, and then they become their own worst enemy because their imagination starts to work against them and goes into overdrive. Which usually prompts them to pick up the phone. In which case, you can just let voicemail pick it up and get back to her in a day or so. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 Yeah, you're spot on. She's trying to remain committed to the separation and not give you any ideas otherwise. She's not happy with being with you. She's not happy with the thought of you as her husband. She hasn't seen or realized any real change in you. Your actions say that you are just the same dumb fool who doesn't put her first. So now what? Stop kissing her. Make her want those kisses by not giving them to her. If anything, you are increasing her resolve to not be physical with you. What is important to her, is remembering her reasons for moving out and addressing those issues. The physical stuff will come if you can address her love needs. Deposit into her bank account with currency she expects and demands. Women typically do not want kisses, hugs, and sex unless you are the man when it comes to her emotional and intellectual and spiritual needs. Is your goose cooked because you kissed her and she didn't want it? LOL, not at all, but you need to knock it off. You could even address it by telling her that you are sorry for kissing her because let's be honest, it was for you and not her. You want to create desire in her for you? Get to work on that flabby tummy, build some biceps, get some nice clothes, flirt with women and socialize with people. Go outside your box. Leave her curious about your new behaviors and lifestyle. Live it up. Date other women. Move on with your life. People want what they can't have. Be untouchable. Not pissy, angry, sad, pathetic untouchable. Be happy, aloof, mysterious, positive, caring, happy, and communicative. Be your best and not for her. Be your best for yourself. And the more you ignore your physical needs and tend to her emotional needs, the more flames you fan in her desire to get back with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mendsley Posted December 5, 2008 Author Share Posted December 5, 2008 TrustInYourself, it is amazing how correct you are. I went to talk with my counselor today and he gave me the same advice to the T as what you did! What is amazing about all this is today, after me not texting or trying to contact her in any way, she texted me today and told me to have a good day and she also asked what I wanted for Christmas. She has not done that in about 5 years so something is going on. I am going to give her some space and do as exactly what you say, thanks so much and awsome advice!! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 TrustInYourself, it is amazing how correct you are. I went to talk with my counselor today and he gave me the same advice to the T as what you did! What is amazing about all this is today, after me not texting or trying to contact her in any way, she texted me today and told me to have a good day and she also asked what I wanted for Christmas. She has not done that in about 5 years so something is going on. I am going to give her some space and do as exactly what you say, thanks so much and awsome advice!! Haha, no problem. I just hope I don't give false hope. Feed off your negative emotions to create real change, bro. Not for your wife, but for yourself. Grow from this. Link to post Share on other sites
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