arm7d Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Hey all, I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 years off and on. We had a rocky start when I didn't want a serious relationship and broke up in February, but we've been together about 4 months now (since August), it's been serious, we talk about a future, we see each other every day, it's very affectionate and supportive and seemingly healthy relationship. Recently her sex drive has dropped off. When we first got back together, it was nearly every day, which was great. Being around her always seems to put me in the mood. But recently it's down to about twice a week, and whenever I try to get her in the mood, it only works if she "wants to have sex." I'm worried because the only times we have sex is when it's on her mind, otherwise, there's nothing I can do to arouse her. There's plenty of kissing, cuddling, what have you, but since we're not having that much sex, I feel like I'm always in the mood and try and have sex and I'm frequently getting rejected. What's worse, we'll fool around to a point (at which I point I'm REALLY in the mood) and then she'll drop the "oh we're not having sex now" line. I can't ask ahead of time cuz that kills the mood, so I'm either stuck being frustrated for getting worked up for nothing or just waiting for her all week to make a move. She denies there's any problem with our relationship, but I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me. She does have a history of anxiety, takes Wellbutrin every day (but she says that increases her sex drive, there's research to suggest it does too). She recently increased her dose of it, but otherwise no changes. Takes Ovcon for birth control (which is a monophasic birth control pill). She sometimes says she isn't in the mood because she's tired or stressed, but I feel like if we're having trouble now, is she ever going to want sex if we get married, have careers, kids, and bills to worry about? She assures me we will, but I'm sure everyone says that. I don't know if I should be worried or not, or if maybe there's something wrong with me. I do feel insecure when she turns me down, like I'm not sexy enough for her or something to that effect. Should I be worried about us and our future? Is this a problem we need to deal with, or should I just suck it up as this being a phase or just accept this is how much sex she wants now. Sorry for the long post, but it's my first. Please advise. Thanks.
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 It could be a number of things but the fact that she isn't willing to acknowledge that there's a problem to start with is a serious red flag. If one partner wants to resolve something that they perceive as a problem and the other one doesn't take it seriously, then you've got another problem. All that aside, I'd say that if sex is a problem now, it will be a problem when you're married. You'll probably become one of those married guys who has a mistress on the side because he's sick to death of years and years of the lack of affection from his wife. I think it's very possible that the medication is having the opposite effect and is killing her sex drive. It doesn't make sense that it increases her sex drive but she doesn't want to have sex. That's kinda twisted, isn't it? I don't know why the two of you broke up in Feb, but it may be that she concluded it ended because you were bored with her because she was too willing to have sex all the time. Maybe she thinks that having sex less will keep you interested in her longer. I'm not sure - just a thought. And, yes, it's perfectly normal to assume that there's something wrong with you when someone doesn't desire you. I would think the same thing, too, if my spouses interest in sex suddenly dropped way below normal. I would also want some answers as to why that was happening. The other thing is, if she doesn't want sex, then she shouldn't be teasing you. It sounds like she's just looking for a way to prove to you that she's in control now - but I'm not sure why she would feel the need to do this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 As long as she thinks there is no problem, then nothing will improve and in fact the sex will dwindle down to practically nothing, with an obligational pity sex thrown in every now and again. Even if she does admit a problem, I can tell you things will simply cycle up and down and eventually you'll be right back to the sexless relationship. Seriously, if sex and physical affection is important to you - you will want to get out now, and find someone who is right for you.
Author arm7d Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Thanks for the thoughts. I agree she needs to put more thought into why she doesn't want sex that much, but it's hard to bring it up because she says I make her feel guilty like she's a "bad girlfriend" for not wanting more sex with me. I know she doesn't have anything on the side, and my gut tells me this is hormonal, but also that this is something we could be dealing with in the long-term because she does have issues with anxiety/depression. How do I convince her to address the problem now? How should she go about addressing it?
Gremio Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Thanks for the thoughts. I agree she needs to put more thought into why she doesn't want sex that much, but it's hard to bring it up because she says I make her feel guilty like she's a "bad girlfriend" for not wanting more sex with me. I know she doesn't have anything on the side, and my gut tells me this is hormonal, but also that this is something we could be dealing with in the long-term because she does have issues with anxiety/depression. How do I convince her to address the problem now? How should she go about addressing it? You may not like my first response but I want to say it: Never get back together, it will never work. You broke up for a reason and it will always come back up. Now that that's out of the way, the lack of sex could very well be here medication or hormones. But it could also be a deeper issue. I do know exactly how you feel. I was in a LTR For three years a long time ago, and I felt exactly like you did. I felt like I always had to initiate sex, was turned down, etc. You know where that ended up in the end? She left me for someone else, slept with them, then came crawling back.
Krytie TV Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 If it bothers you now, it will eat at you later. I have been in a sexless marriage before and it was horrible. Invariably, you are always the pig for just wanting a "hole" because, invariably, you will be accused of not giving enough "love and affection" that doesn't lead to sex. Which is, in effect true, because who wants to give love and affection to someone who can't please you on a fundamental level? Bad slope. Avoid this relationship. No amount of talking with her or helping her or being more "loving" to her will change anything. She has to want to do it on her own.
Author arm7d Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 A friend sent me the following message in response to the same question, curious as to what you all think: I think you guys should be spending less time together.. What gave you the idea that you had to see each other every day?? that can tend to make a relationship stale.. Give her something to miss. go out get some hobbies of your own, hang out with friends.. but please, do it with balance, don't cut her out completly.. Just remember that you two are individuals and you both have different interests. explore that possiblitiy.. it also gives you two something to talk about.. Guaranteed if you stop seeing her 24/7 she be all over you.. I think it's a fair point. I'm in school full-time and she works, so we do spend time apart, but perhaps because we see each other every night, she doesn't build up to wanting sex because she gets the love and attention in other ways on a regular basis? Also, does anyone have any anecdotal experience with Wellbutrin and how it impacted their sex drive? Thanks to all...
shockandawed Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I think your friend has some very good points there. Like the others have said, at this point there could be all kinds of reasons for this. I was married 18 years and for several of the last ones, our marriage was pretty sexless. I can't tell you how many women have told me the same thing. My ex and I have had some "heart to hearts" about alot of things since our divorce and our sex life was one of them. Like you, I always assumed it was her and her low sex drive. She told me that her drive did decrease after the kids were born. But she also said it seemed the harder I tried, the less interested she became. It became to the point where I would try and try, most of the time nothing, but every once in awhile I could get her going. I would imagine you are experiencing many of the same things. You are proabably initiating the moves at this point. She knows that and subconsciously you are becoming less attractive to her. My advise is until you have a better grip on what could be going on, give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't blame her and don't constantly try to get her going. Back off and don't show too much interest yourself. If she doesn't see you as eager and begging every night, she may develop interests again. I can assure you feeling pressured is a huge turn off. Back off for some time and see what happens. If after a sufficient amount of time, her libido is still non existent, then you can reassess the situation and decide whether this is the type of relationship you want to go farther into.
shockandawed Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 One other point you need to consider...how would you rate yourself as a lover? I don't expect you to post your thoughts here, but you should examine this... Do you do the same thing everytime. In other words, is it predictable? Do you know what she likes. I mean, does she like long foreplay with kisses and massages while you like to jump on? Does she orgasm? Without interrogating, I would spend some time figuring out what makes her toes really curl and figure out ways to deliver that.
Angel1111 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I think it's a fair point. I'm in school full-time and she works, so we do spend time apart, but perhaps because we see each other every night, she doesn't build up to wanting sex because she gets the love and attention in other ways on a regular basis? While your friend makes some good points, I think your relationship has deeper issues. The two of you haven't been together long enough for the relationship to be stale. When you're young and in love, you typically can't get enough of each other. I've never been one to understand how people can claim to love someone but not want to make love to them. That doesn't make any sense to me at all. I don't know what the issues are in your relationship but it's worth trying what your friend suggested. I do know that it's important to have outside interests and friends.
Recommended Posts