Within my rights?

[MontanaGirl]

I've been seeing my bf for four months. I posted about him a while ago. There's this girl he's become friends with since then, and it's making me uncomfortable. This is the girl who is very interested in him romantically, who he invited over to his house for dinner (fully knowing she thought it was a date), and only after she was at his house did he tell her that he had a girlfriend.

 

Since then, he's hung out with her a couple times, and goes to her coffee shop to study (she's in his O Chem class). She gives him free drinks/desserts, and makes it very obvious that she is sweet on him. Well, last night was supposed to be our date night. Because of our busy schedules, we can only see each other once or twice a week, so I was pretty excited about it. That afternoon he tells me he should spend the night studying for his test on Friday, and if I wouldn't mind cancelling the date. No problem.

 

Then he goes on to say that he'll be studying at this girl's coffee shop, if I wanted to drop in and say hi. I got childish and catty, and said something like, "No, sounds like you'll be hanging out with your other girlfriend." Instead of calling me out and telling me I didn't have anything to worry about, he says, "Yeah, but seeing you with me will totally make her jealous. It'll be fun." That's not my idea of fun, and we had a brief spat about it last night over the phone.

 

Anyway, like I've said before I have NO problems with friends of the opposite sex--as long as one of them isn't openly hoping it will turn into more. He sees no problem with it, as long as he has no interest in her. He says he's crazy about me, and that is all that matters. Well, this weekend, she's coming over to his house to make sushi together. Am I within my rights to ask him not to hang out alone with this girl, or am I overreacting? If he refuses, would you consider this a deal breaker?

[Dexter Morgan]

I think you need to nip this in the bud.

 

you need to talk with him and tell him you are uncomfortable with him spending so much time with a girl that has designs on him. And ask him if he'd be ok with you spending alot of time with a guy that wants to get you in the sack.

[Trialbyfire]

He's gaming both you and the other girl to stroke his ego. I don't see any respect or concern for either one of your feelings.

 

only after she was at his house did he tell her that he had a girlfriend.

 

he says, "Yeah, but seeing you with me will totally make her jealous. It'll be fun."

Don't play anymore. Shut him down. Don't even bother with an ultimatum. Just walk and leave him hanging.

[norajane]

This is the girl who is very interested in him romantically, who he invited over to his house for dinner (fully knowing she thought it was a date), and only after she was at his house did he tell her that he had a girlfriend.

 

So, he's a manipulative ass. He knew she was interested in him, and he omitted telling her he had a gf just so he could spend time with her for his own selfish purposes.

 

Then he goes on to say that he'll be studying at this girl's coffee shop, if I wanted to drop in and say hi. I got childish and catty, and said something like, "No, sounds like you'll be hanging out with your other girlfriend." Instead of calling me out and telling me I didn't have anything to worry about, he says, "Yeah, but seeing you with me will totally make her jealous. It'll be fun." That's not my idea of fun, and we had a brief spat about it last night over the phone.

So, he offered you no reassurance that she's just a study partner and instead, showed he's an egotistical ass trying to get her jealous and the two of you fighting over him. Even if he was sarcastic because you were, there is more than a kernel of truth in his statement. Your sarcasm revealed your true feelings, right?

 

He sees no problem with it, as long as he has no interest in her. He says he's crazy about me, and that is all that matters.

No, that's not all that matters. Your feelings matter, too, or they should. If he's so crazy about you, he should be concerned about how you feel, too, and whether you are comfortable with his relationship with her or not. He's not taking your feelings into consideration. He thinks the only thing that matters is his viewpoint. And he doesn't care about how she feels, either - he's getting off on the attention.

 

He can SAY he's crazy about you until he's blue in the face, but his actions do not SHOW that, do they?

 

Well, this weekend, she's coming over to his house to make sushi together. Am I within my rights to ask him not to hang out alone with this girl, or am I overreacting? If he refuses, would you consider this a deal breaker?

When was the last time you two saw each other? Will you be seeing him this weekend, or does she get the only weekend time with him?

 

I'd suggest that he invite you over so all of you can make sushi. If he refuses, then he wants to be alone with her, and yes, that would be a deal breaker for me when taking his other behavior into account.

 

You should only date a guy who is into you and isn't making you feel like crap. If you're feeling like crap because of his relationships with other women, it's time to say buh-bye and move on. There are better guys out there. Find one.

[Gremio]

The deal is already broke Montana. I'm a male and just reading your post angered me? He is a ****ing idiot! Get rid of him now, ASAP, immediately!

[brokenboy]

So, he's a manipulative ass.

 

You should only date a guy who is into you and isn't making you feel like crap. If you're feeling like crap because of his relationships with other women, it's time to say buh-bye and move on. There are better guys out there. Find one.

 

truer words never spoken... ladies, be smart.

[loveratud]

He's gaming both you and the other girl to stroke his ego. I don't see any respect or concern for either one of your feelings.

 

Yup, I used to do this all the time in college. From the guy's perspective, it's a lot of fun. The question for you is: Is the guy worth competing for?

[MontanaGirl]

I thought about inserting myself into the sushi rolling night. He'd have no problem with me coming over for sushi night, but I don't really want to. I don't eat or enjoy making sushi, and they're both fairly experienced at it. I feel like I've got better things to do than be a suspicious third-wheel.

 

We normally see each other once or twice a week, although we also have a class together so spend a few additional hours a week together in that capacity. To be honest, we haven't had a "real" date in a while--I'm thinking about two weeks?--but we talk on the phone every day. I have to admit, I'm starting to miss him, which doesn't help matters. In his defense, he is a premed and finals are coming up. I normally see him on Saturdays, but he asked if we could postpone it so he could study (and yes, he cancelled sushi night too).

 

My friends think he's reacting to my lack of commitment.... He's told me he loves me, and he's asked him to move in with him. It's been over a month since he's admitted his feelings, and I just can't return the sentiments. I know this hurts his feelings. Is he making me jealous in the hopes that it will make me see his value? Or is he really just an inconsiderate cad?

 

Anyway, my plan is to wait it out at least through next week. At least that way if things don't get better I won't have class with him any longer.

 

Thanks for the insight! It's good to know I'm not just overreacting.

[norajane]

My friends think he's reacting to my lack of commitment.... He's told me he loves me, and he's asked him to move in with him. It's been over a month since he's admitted his feelings, and I just can't return the sentiments. I know this hurts his feelings. Is he making me jealous in the hopes that it will make me see his value? Or is he really just an inconsiderate cad?

 

That is a question to ask him. And it is up to you to tell him that your doubts about moving in with him and your feelings for him are DIRECTLY related to how little he takes your feelings into consideration when it comes to other women, particularly this other woman.

 

Remind him that love is a verb, and loving someone means acting in a loving way towards that person, and that loving someone is shown in everyday behavior, like how he treats your concerns about this other woman, and that a lack of respect for your feelings is not an act of love.

[Davey McG]

He's told me he loves me, and he's asked him to move in with him. It's been over a month since he's admitted his feelings, and I just can't return the sentiments. I know this hurts his feelings. Is he making me jealous in the hopes that it will make me see his value? Or is he really just an inconsiderate cad?

 

Its pretty painful to put yourself out there and be shot down or be with someone who doesn't return those feelings. If you don't return his feelings then he might think your relationship isn't a real relationship. Thats not to say you've done anything wrong. You've been honest and straight up and that is admirable. He might be taking the opportunity to look elsewhere for someone who will reciprocate and maybe protect himself a bit -and perhaps he's starting to see you more as a friend.

 

I don't know this guy so I could be wrong.

[Trialbyfire]

Methodology matters. IF he's hurt and is having issues with feeling rejection or uncertainty, the mature way to address it is to discuss it first, then potentially move on, if you can't/won't meet his needs. Part of the decision-making process to stay or go, has to be why YOU can't/won't meet his needs. Is there room for compromise?

 

Anyways, be very cautious with someone who plays games of the heart or hedges their bets.

[MontanaGirl]

He knew when he first said the "L word" that I wasn't ready for it.... I could sense it was coming, and made it clear that I needed more time to develop those feelings. He said it anyway, fully knowing I wouldn't say it back.

 

Trial, what kind of a compromise did you have in mind? It's not that I can't or won't develop this relationship into something more. I've told him that I need to see him more frequently, and not to feel like I'm competing against other women for his time, before those feelings develop. And it feels misleading to move in with him before I feel there's a real future together.

[Gremio]

And it feels misleading to move in with him before I feel there's a real future together.

 

It should never be done. Way too many unknowns.

[Trialbyfire]

He knew when he first said the "L word" that I wasn't ready for it.... I could sense it was coming, and made it clear that I needed more time to develop those feelings. He said it anyway, fully knowing I wouldn't say it back.

 

Trial, what kind of a compromise did you have in mind? It's not that I can't or won't develop this relationship into something more. I've told him that I need to see him more frequently, and not to feel like I'm competing against other women for his time, before those feelings develop. And it feels misleading to move in with him before I feel there's a real future together.

I can't tell you what to compromise on. Only he knows what he wants/needs/expects from you. Only you know what you can give or not give.

 

The compromise portion isn't the biggest issue I've illustrated within my post. More importantly, how is he handling the perceived rejection? Are you certain it was the perceived rejection that caused him to hedge his bets? If it is, it's a piss poor coping mechanism. If it isn't, it's just a piss poor way to handle a relationship.

[Walk]

How long has this thing with the other girl been going on? (not sure what to call it, friendship?) Seems like at least a month from how you described it. And you also said they have class together, correct?

 

And how long ago did he tell you that he loved you?

 

What I'm having an issue with is the timeline. You two have been dating for 4 months. Within that time, he's established a close enough relationship with another woman that she feels comfortable enough going to his house. And up until the day the woman went to his house, she never knew he had a gf.

 

Seems to me that he would've had to have been talking to this woman for several months already. Long enough for her to develop a crush on him. She also would have had to have known him well enough that she felt comfortable going to his house alone with him. In addition, because she has a crush on him, it would lead me to believe that their interactions together were flirtatious to some degree.

 

While that's going on he's proclaiming his love for you? hmmm..

 

I can't help but wonder if the reason your hesitant to return your bf's feelings is due to his behavior overall. That this situation with the 'friend' is not a direct chain reaction to you not returning the L word when he said it. But rather, an additional action on his part that is causing you to distrust his usage of the word love. The theory currently is that first he told you he loved you and you didn't say it back, Second he made a new female friend, invited her over because he was wounded, and neglected to mention a gf. I don't see how those actions fit the timeline. It doesn't seem like the facts fit the theory. It doesn't seem like a "cause and effect" type of situation.