Emotional Cheating

[MRADAN]

I just joint this forum because I need some advise. I am mid 50's and GF is same. We have been together for 5 years and lived together for one year, separated for non-relationship reasons, and now live together again. I know she has past relationships as I do and it does not bother me one bit. However, I discovered text messages on her phone, pictures, etc and long phone calls to person she used to work with. Discovered in June 08 and had difficult time coping, but overcame, forgave and thought she had discontinued "emotional affair". I monitored her phone and discovered she still calls this guy, but not as frequently. Couple times a month, usually on way to work or after. I thought I could live with it, but today discovered another call over 45 minutes. Oh after she realized I checked her phone, she deletes all her recent calls, but hey there are ways to recover. Also, although I discovered relationship in June, it had been going on since we lived together the first time, essentially from the beginning.

I though that since this person caused such discord she would stop, but she says "Just Friends"

I am divorced after 20 year marriage with one son after finding my wife with another man. I have been completely faithful to both women, provide well for their needs, and treat GF to lots of entertainment, dates, money etc. I guess it is true women have no truck with nice guys.

Trouble is I love this women completely, but in order to keep self respect, I must leave. I moved out last night after confronting her, she has not responded, got mad at me for spying and said "do what you have to do"

I feel terribly alone now. Kinda hurts. Any thoughts.

[carhill]

Since you're not married and apparently believe the context of the communications to be a betrayal of your relationship, I would just leave and forget her.

 

Have you suggested inviting this friend over for dinner and get to know him? Or, does the content of the communications, which you did not yet share here, contain such romantic features that an invitation would be superfluous?

 

Do you have any female friends? If not, have you had such in the past? Do you feel you can have a platonic (non-romantic, non-sexual) relationship with a woman?

[2sure]

I am sure you and she have discussed the problems that led to the break up of your 20 year marriage. You have experienced the trauma that is infidelity. It is only natural to now have a fear of it. Like it or not, this fear is something valid you have brought with you. She should understand this. You dont sound paranoid about it, you understand and are ok with her male friends...but she has lied to you, even by ommission , regarding this particular friend. Thats not paranoia, thats betrayal.

 

Since she knows this type of betrayal is not something you should have to deal with again....she shouldnt be lying to you about a friendship either.

I am sure she comes with her own particular baggage, quirks, whatever as all grown ups who have lived do. But even if she disagrees with you, since you are made uncomfortable - she should give up this friend or stop lying and invite him into both of your lives.

[LakesideDream]

Mr. ADAN, That's what "dating" is all about, seeing if two people are compatible. Sadly this is just as true in our 50's as it was in our 20's.

 

You have learned what you needed to know before taking the next step. Consider yourself lucky. Time to direct your interests elsewhere.

[MRADAN]

Since you're not married and apparently believe the context of the communications to be a betrayal of your relationship, I would just leave and forget her.

 

Have you suggested inviting this friend over for dinner and get to know him? Or, does the content of the communications, which you did not yet share here, contain such romantic features that an invitation would be superfluous?

 

Do you have any female friends? If not, have you had such in the past? Do you feel you can have a platonic (non-romantic, non-sexual) relationship with a woman?

 

Under other circumstances I would consider talking to him and have considered calling him to leave us alone. However, the nature of the text messages are explicit and the photos erotic.

Also I have a few female friends but never have lunch or dinner with them or even call them outside of work.

 

I did discuss my first break up with her and how devastating it was to me. It even required a brief hospital stay. I am fine now, but can't believe it is happening again. Like I said this is a 5 year committed relationship, I thought. I we were seriously talking marriage and shopping for rings. She told me she was not talking to this guy, but apparently cannot stop, so I guess she would rather lose me and have a telephonic relationship. I do talk to her. We discuss our feelings, emotions, and so forth, but in every relationship one love more than the other and that may be the situation here. Thank you all for your help.

[imagine]

I we were seriously talking marriage and shopping for rings. She told me she was not talking to this guy, but apparently cannot stop, so I guess she would rather lose me and have a telephonic relationship.

 

 

There you are. I guess that about maps out her priorities.

 

I can't say that I blame her for wanting to look around after waiting five years. I do blame her for not chopping your relationship short before doing it though.

 

Pal, BTDT move on with NC, but give yourself time to grieve.

[carhill]

However, the nature of the text messages are explicit and the photos erotic

Completely inappropriate. I'd leave. Be clear about which boundary was breached and then go.