Fallen For friend but she doesn't want relationship

[Sy_Watson]

Last November, two of my closest friends who had been a couple for 6 years split up. As they were both at uni, the girl decided to come home to get away from it all. I, not being at uni was one of her only friends around. So without much thought, I went to visit her to talk things through with her.

Took her out, kept her occupied and tried to help her anyway I could just being there for her. This perhaps in hindsight was a bad thing.

She went back to Uni and seemed ok about things.

 

I didn't really see her again until she came home again for the summer. So we caught up on news one evening at her house. I could have sat and listened to her all night. It was driving home that night, that I realised I was confused about the feelings I had for her. I thought I might had fallen for her.

 

I went on holiday over summer (only Local) but i missed her like crazy, texted her a lot when I was away, and just thought what it would be like to be with her. It was making me really on edge and occupied lots of my waking thoughts. I had only admitted to my best friend the day before I went away. Talking it through with him, I decided not to tell her, not wanting to ruin the friendship. But comin back from holiday and seeing her again pushed me over the edge and I knew I had to tell her.

 

I told her in about 9 text messages, as she had gone away herself. I was always crap at telling girls face to face anway. She was really apologetic saying "I'm sorry you felt you had to tell me" and stuff. But it all boiled down to she didnt want anything more. I never really expected her to requite the feelings. I just kind of knew. I figured what the hell, never mind, accept it and move on.

 

Thats easier said than done. I told her I wanted to go back to how things were before I told her. She took it as being before she split up with her boyfriend last year. We haven't talked like that since.

I think me telling her has seriously knocked back even being friends. But I am making a conscious effort to keep talking to her, show her theres no hard feelings about it all.

Ive managed to accept it more now, I Always text her loads, email her when shes away (currently travelling) Even joke about it all a bit now. But it doesn't stop the feelings being there.

 

I dont know whether I have done the right thing still being friends with her. I kind of figured that the main reason I wanted to date her was because of her personality, the kind which I like secondary her looks as she is gorgeous but it is less important to me (sounds like a cliche??!).

Not being friends with her would prevent me from enjoying hanging out with her completely. Hopefully we'll just become better friends over time. Other people have posted on here about not staying friends with girl "friends" who knock you back. I disagree with that. I think it is probably better if u do stay friends with them. I hope that with this girl, I'll get everything I would have got out of dating her, but minus the intimacy. But I can cope with that......I think!!

 

If anyone can give me any pointers or any further advice, I would appreciate it, cheers.

[jenny]

here's the thing - the only way to get her friendship back is to not need it. there are a zillion girls out there with specific personality traits who are gorgeous; you need to get over her so you can find them.

 

you got your heart broken. she was special, i understand this. feel it, indulge it, then get over it. stop contacting her, period, and think of it as an oppurtunity rather than a misfortune.

 

i've been in the girl's position in this situation a couple of times - believe me, she might eventually miss you. but right now you are getting no respect, and you deserve it.

 

 

xox, j

[Sy_Watson]

You think I should stop talking to her altogether?? even though I've known her as a friend for 7 Years, I never felt anythin for her for all that time up until this summer. Its fairly hard not to still see her. She is good friends with all of my other friends. I cant not see them just because of her.

I can understand what you are saying Jenny. I dont want to offend her by telling her I dont want to speak to her either.

[jenny]

o, that does complicate things. hmmm.

 

is there a way you can kind of de-prioritize her in your mind then? like, see her mutual friends and such, but lay off the emails and what-not until SHE comes to YOU?

 

i think more than anything you should worry about whatever it is you need at this time in your life. you probably eventually want someone who wants you in equal proportion? this situation is simply not giving you what you want and sometimes a physical seperation helps a mental one.

 

what do you want to do?

 

tell me more of the situation if you'd like. do you have other possibilities on the horizon?

 

xox j

[Sy_Watson]

I think she may have got the wrong idea about why I helped her thru her break up. I think she may have thought I had ulterior motives. Which I didn't, and she says she didn't think I did. She used to email me first a lot last christmas, and would always come to me, she still emails me now, but I dont know whether she would email me if I didnt email her first. I dont think many of my other friends have had email from her while shes been travelling this past week.

 

At the moment, Im not really looking for a relationship I dont really know what I want from this girl either. I figured It was best to just tell her and not string her along until she guessed, she would probably feel worse, and wouldnt speak to me either if i was dishonest about it.

 

Things between us were a bit weird when we met again for the first time after I had told her. She had a party at her house, People stayed round there. I was supposed to but ended up phoning for a lift home at 2am. It felt weird being round there and when it was me, her and another guy, conversation got really sparse and difficult silences.

We had a bit of a text chat that night after I had gone and it devolved into a bit of an argument.

I said it still felt weird and wasnt right, she thought the opposite and that it had gone well. I suggested a 1 on 1 drink with her, She didnt think talking about it would help. I didn't want to talk about my feelings for her. I just wanted to go out no strings for a drink, and talk about other stuff. She kept bringing up my feelings, how she didnt know what to say to it all.

 

I just wanted to go for an evening out with her, only as friends, and talk about other stuff, have a nice time and talk 1 on 1, thats the only way I can talk to her properly about stuff.

 

Any more advice u can give me from that stuff?

[julietverni]

I don't get all you people who advise everyone to cut off all contact. Are you insane?

 

I've had feelings for a friend, he knew it and we even kissed once or twice, but we both knew it wasn't gonna work as a relationship. He was a little weirded out the first time it happened, but as time went on we both just kind of forgot about it and we're still best friends. Just go on as if nothing ever happened and she'll forget about it too. And I think you'll probably find someone better suited to you romantically anyway, I did.

[jenny]

well, i did recant a bit. but sometimes it is better to cool things off for awhile if you're not getting what you want, and are possibly being taken advantage of. he sounded like, and still sounds to me, like he is in pain.

 

i have recently learned that guy friends can carry a grudge for literally years at being viewed as 'just friends'. i seriously have no idea why he (my guy) stuck around if he was that upset.

 

there are so many cool people in the world - why stay in relationships in which there can be no fulfillment?

[wiseluv34]

i've been through a similiar ordeal, i think that you should continue to be her friend, only if she agrees with it. also, you should move on and get to know other girls, you could be missing the "right one", by wasting your time on the "wrong one". and if the girl you so adore is right for you, then let her pour her feelings out to you, since she already know your feelings for her. for now, just move on and date other girls. HAVE FUN!!!! if she's for you, it'll happen, and like you said..it is good to continue being friends, just in case.

[sean001]

Couple of thoughts,

 

To truly find out how someone feels about you -- break off contact. But not permanently, just for a little while. You obviously have feelings here and need to get some perspective. It will be hard, but in the end, you'll be able to continue this friendship if you so choose.

 

The only time it has ever worked for me to remain friends with women I had feelings for is to break off contact and take a "breather" -- it's too hard to think clearly and logically when you are caught up in the moment of wanting to talk to her everyday.

 

Plus, the advantage of not being there -- for a little while -- is that it will force her to take an inventory of the situation.

[Spengles]

Aye. Your situation sounds so familiar. I've been having way too many problems with an issue like this during the summer. I always felt as if I was just being used. After a while though, I just got fed up of everything so I kinda ignored her for a while. I just couldn't let it get to me anymore cuz it was affecting my schoolwork and everything else. She later texted me and called me apologizing for her behavior. It's always like that yanno. I'll ignore her for periods at a time and then somehow we'll start hanging out again. Even during this summer, a friend told me that I should be rightfully pissed how she treated me. And believe me, I was. But that's the problem? What she told me made me feel bad for her cuz of her situation and I couldn't feel mad anymore. And like he said, I'm back to being friends with her as if nothing ever happened.

 

Only thing was I never told her up front. I'm pretty sure she knew but I don't know. Maybe this belongs in a post on its own..

[curious]

i'm currently in the midst of ignoring one of my friends who i was interested in. i talked to her about it awhile ago, we contemplated it and she strung me along while she saw other guys, lying to me in the process. right now, she's seeing someone else, and while she used to call me every day and we were close, now she doesn't call me at all. there is, of course, that part of me that is hurt by this... but then there is also another part of me that really wants to be rid of her.

 

i think maintaining a friendship in this type of situation depends on how the other person treated you. if my friend had been honest with me and didn't string me along, i wouldn't have had hard feelings towards her. i don't want to make her sound all bad... she has many good qualities, but i just can't trust her.

[d2zl]

Originally posted by curious

i'm currently in the midst of ignoring one of my friends who i was interested in. i talked to her about it awhile ago, we contemplated it and she strung me along while she saw other guys, lying to me in the process. right now, she's seeing someone else, and while she used to call me every day and we were close, now she doesn't call me at all. there is, of course, that part of me that is hurt by this... but then there is also another part of me that really wants to be rid of her.

 

i think maintaining a friendship in this type of situation depends on how the other person treated you. if my friend had been honest with me and didn't string me along, i wouldn't have had hard feelings towards her. i don't want to make her sound all bad... she has many good qualities, but i just can't trust her.

 

see.. that's kinda like my situation. she lied/ignored me and that pissed me off. we used to be really close. Like, we would talk on the phone at night for hours.. not even talking, just sitting there yanno on the phone. and I'll always get extremely mad at her. but then she comes and tells me her reasons and for some reason, they make sense. I dunno..

[moimeme]

Jenny asked:

why stay in relationships in which there can be no fulfillment?

 

Sometimes there can be a different sort of fulfillment. I was in one of those. I was mad about him. He not the same, but we were friends and enjoyed each other's company. I was very happy to spend time with him because I enjoyed his company that much. Something about the synergy between us created many positive effects on me; I grew a lot from knowing him. It would have been great had he fallen for me, but he didn't (one of my 'missed moments', actually ) but spending time with him as a friend was worth it and preferable to not seeing him at all, which would have been the other option had I tried to insist on a relationship.

 

 

 

D2Zl:

One question: are you sure she was stringing you along? Is it possible you misread some cues?

[wiseluv34]

everyone on this page should most DEFINITELY, follow moimeme's advice.

IF YOU'RE PURSUING A RELATIONSHIP THAT LACKS ANY FULFILLMENT, then you're wasting you precious time. because we can change noone. people have their owns thoughts, feelings, and minds. in other words, WE CAN'T MAKE ANYONE LOVE US.

i fell for a man who says he only see me as a "friend", and maybe more in the future. well, i made the mistake of letting this man know that i liked him, and i was up for a relationship. yall know what he did? cut if off from me, just like that! i guess i scared him? CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY HE JUST SHUT ME OUT?

it really hurt me, b/c we were having fun just hanging out together. he was really sweet. but, he let me know that we were "just friends". not knowing what the future held.

so, he doesn't contact me anymore....he told me he's going through issues. so, it was hard for me to let go, but like moimeme said..."why stay in a relatioship without fulfillment"? well, i can't do it, b/c i'm just putting my feelings out there to be crushed. i'm trying to stop contacting him, anyone have any suggestions for me, to get over this guy? what do you think he's really feeling? pls holla at me

p.s. do anyone think he'll ever open up to me again?? HELP PLS

[moimeme]

"everyone on this page should most DEFINITELY, follow moimeme's advice.

IF YOU'RE PURSUING A RELATIONSHIP THAT LACKS ANY FULFILLMENT, then you're wasting you precious time"

 

Actually, that was Jenny. I posted a reason why a person might pursue a more one-sided relationship!

 

As for your situation - "CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY HE JUST SHUT ME OUT?"

 

Some men, I think, think women will turn into the woman from 'Fatal Attraction'. Some women do - there are some who simply cannot understand that a relationship is over when it's over.

 

Other men are uncomfortable, I guess, if they think someone has 'expectations' they won't be able to fulfil. Rather than go through either scenario, they run like rabbits. At least, that's my guess but I would LOVE to hear from the malefolk of this board for some anecdotal information.

[MajesticDolphin]

to sy_watson

i've been on the other end, but maybe i can give you some insight. this guy friend of mine, we were best friends, told me that he liked me. i, however, didn't return the feelings. i then got scared and pushed him away. by doing this i hurt him, and he told me that i did. we didn't really talk for a month or so. after, i was the one who decided to tell him that i was wrong. that the reason why i did that was bc i didn't want to hurt him by leading him on in any way. but i was hurting him just by not talking to him. later we became even more close. so close that we dated for a little over four months. it was a great time, and after we ended our dating we still remained friends. i would not say to cut off communication with this girl that you feel so deep for. i would give her time, don't be trying to call, text, or email all the time. you just have to wait. i know, trust me i know, that that is easier said than done. it can be done. the only bad thing to that is if she doesn't come around, then it's her loss. that's hard, but that's just the way that you might have to think of things. i hope that this has helped

 

to wiseluv34

well that sounds like a real bummer. i know it is. since he didn't return your feelings that doesn't mean that he still doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. i don't know you if you read what i wrote above, but he might be doing that because he didn't want to lead you on or hurt you. i would say give it time, but i don't know how long it has been since you last spoke with him. i'm sry to hear that, i've gone through it too. it sux! but i'll i can really say w/o knowing any thing else is wait, and if he doesn't realize that he was being dumb and might have lost a good friend {or even a potential girl friend} that's all you can really do. it's hard but what else can you do? i know that sounds soo old but sometimes it's true. if you want you can tell me more about it, maybe i can help, if not i hope things work out!

[wiseluv34]

Majestic,

thanks alot for the smart advice. it really did help, and it made much sense.

well, a little more info...we dated (or hung out together), for several months (not too long). and i know that i tried to rush it, and it scared him. see, he's been thru a hurtful 8yr. marriage (his ex cheated on him, even had a baby by another man), and so he's very "cautious". i know this, b/c he told me.

he said he's been hurt alot, but still i feel like i rushed. that's me, i'm impatient and i hate being like this. but, still he shoudn't have shut me out. i thought we had something special. he's a true gentleman, and i'm a good lady.

anyways, one night a/f watching a movie...i happened to call him "sweetheart" and "honey", that jumpstarted it! the next day, he rang me up...and asked me what these words meant? was i trying to take it to the next level already, and i was. i like him, and i guess maybe he didn't feel likewise. b/c he said he liked me, but as a friend now...maybe later it'd be more". that's what he told me. my feelings were mutual, but the next night i tried calling him...and he told me that he was with friends, and he couldn't talk.

i was stunned! that had never happened, so that's when he started shutting me out...after i told him that i liked him, and that i could take it to the next level with him....at the right time. so, he started finding reasons to "take time" away from me.

but, like you stated, maybe he'll figure out that he let a good woman go. we all have issues, noone's perfect.

so, if he don't come around soon, then i'm cool with that. b/c i know that God only has what's best for me. he only take what isn't for me, away.

( it has been a/b 3 weeks, since he called me), he even stopped emailing me...and he always did that.

another thing, i forgot to tell ya...is that his parent is slowly dying of cancer. so, i feel that he's hurting more than he says he is. he said he's going through alot.

MAJESTIC, PLS LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! plus anyone else can put their input in, too...WHAT'S UP GUYS?? holla holla

peace

[MajesticDolphin]

wiseluv34,

you are very welcome! i'm glad that i could help.

yea, well that could do it, if you rush the person when they aren't ready for it, it could scare them. yea see, then especially since he told you that he was "cautious" he thought that you would have known to take it slowly. especially since you knew about his broken heart from his ex. but that's nothing bad on you. you can't help your feelings. you're right he shouldn't have shut you out, but for some people that's their defense mechanism. and with that you have to except it even tho you may not like it. does that make sense? i'm sure you had something special, and you never know you still might. but right now, you should probably take it slowly and get a feel for things.

yep. those words are pretty powerful for these guys to handle. ok, i'm confused. you said that you had something special, did you mean a friendship? did you guys ever date? or was it friends hanging out? it sounds like to me that he wasn't ready for your feelings. therefore he got scared and backed away and in that case pushed you away resulting in shuting you out.

tell me, how long ago did he and his ex break up? that could deffinetly play a factor. it could have been too soon.

yea i think that he will have to take his time and think about it. and you may not like this, but you will have to wait. but is he worth waiting for? that's something hard that no one likes to do. you will also have to accept the fact that he might not want anything either. that's hard!

ok, if he's got a parent that's dying, of course he's not going to be there. his mind is going to be somewhere else. he isn't going to want to think about something like this, he's going to want to be with friends so that he can think about something else, or just be with family.

well it's been a while, has anything else happened? any good news? hope all is well!

[wiseluv34]

hey, i'm glad to hear your input. you're very smart! ok, here's the low-down...we've talked, and he's opened up to me quite a bit. his parent passed away, so he let me know how much he appreciates me, standing by him.

he discussed the reasons why he froze, he thought we were going too fast. i agreed, i was..anyways.

but, he let me know that we should just go slow, but he don't want to lose me. he said he have alot on his plate, b/c he just lost one of his military buddies, just last week...along with the passing of his parent. he's going through alot, for some reason. i just let him know that i'm here for him, but that we shouldn't expect each other's lives to be put on hold.

by what he said, i don't think he liked it. it seems that he want to take time, and have me there when issues are solved. maybe i will, maybe i won't....i don't know what the future holds. but i did let him know, that whatever happens...happens, and i can tell that he don't want me to move on from him.

but for now, i'm just being his friend, just being there for him. and yes, we were dating. right now, i'm just hanging in there...b/c i do care for him, too. ( oh, by the way...it's only been a year, since he came out of his divorce, so it is rather soon...ya think?)

pls holla back! let me know what u think! peace

[sean001]

... I'll offer the piece of advice that I am doing now -- pull back a little. Don't be too available. But still be there, especially now. My ex was there for me when I lost my father and my best friend, and because of that, I am forever grateful. If she had pulled the s**** she just pulled with me while I was still grieving those losses, I probably would've had a resentment for life against her and there would never be any chance for us. But her selfless compassion during that time gave me an image of a woman I could spend the rest of my life with. That's why I won't give up completely on her now.

 

But at the same time, while I was grieving those losses, I was VERY selfish in my relationship with her, and a little kick in the pants during that time may have inspired me into some more serious action that perhaps could have saved our relationship. But for whatever reason, she chose not to express her unhappiness (and I chose not to see it), until she just got up and left without warning.

 

So right now -- be there, but not as much. Make sure that your needs are clear, which I think they are at this point. Actions will speak loudly.

[wiseluv34]

[color=green][/color][font=courier new][/font]

thanks sean, you've really helped me. you speaking from a man's point of view, is very helpful for me. so, what should i do? not contact him at all? this is what i think. i plan to not contact him again, unless he makes the first move (which he did, at the beginning of our relationship).

i did let him know how i felt, and i told him that i'm here for him, but i would not have my life on hold...while we're taking time apart. i let him know, that i'd rather spend time with him, than away from him. but, i'm also respecting his wishes, b/c i'm willing to sacrifice.

i've NEVER did that in a relationship! i'm usually selfish from the beginning, til the end. but god is working on me.

i also let him know, that i plan to leave this city i live in, by the end of this year. he didn't want that, he was negative a/b this. but, if he want me in his life, then i do believe that he'll come through for me....b/f i do leave.

thanks again! pls let me know what i should do, not contact him at all, or what?

that's really my plan, b/c the ball's in his court now..i've did my part.

holla back pls

[Q-Tip]

Hi. Im new to this forum, and I have a different view to most of you who had posted the replies.

 

In my view what you should do is, just sit back and analyze for yourself whether this friend of yours is the right person for you , in yor mind. Try to figure out for yourself if its worth all the effort , and the hard times you will have to put up with if you are to eventually start a relationship with her. I mean, lets face the facts here, no matter what you say , thats what you really want with her. So instead of telling you to accept things as they are now, im telling you to not give up on it. Why should you just give up on something you really want. Instead just makeyour mind up , and achieve your goal. It can be done !

 

If I were you what I would do is, I would continue being close to her, and show her (not tell her !!!! ) these following points

 

(1) I care about her more than any one else does

 

(2) We can both have a beautiful relationship together. Do this by giving her a feel of what it would be like to be in a relationship with her. Show she would get exactly what she wants from her ideal relationship from you , which she cant recieve now due to her objections

 

(3) Show her you are there for her no matter what ! Women love a man who waits, without pushing them to feel the way you want them to feel

 

(4) Dont show you want her to be more than friends with you , but just be really close to without pushing her to feel any thing else other than frienship, to a point it will bug her as to why you are not showing any other type of interest , like what she is used to with you or any other man who got that close to her in the past. And the more this bugs her, the more SHE WILL START LIKING YOU ! trust me it works like mnamagic

 

 

SO tie your shoe laces, and prepare for the ride ! No ha;lf way measures ! when you realise you really want something in life , you just go and get it !!! Dont give up ! gicing up is for people who dont have strength to go through hardship to get what they want!