dwellingonthepast Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 My wife and I have been married for more than a decade and we have a bunch of great kids. My problem is that I'm going crazy thinking about how she treated me when we were going out in our college years. We started seeing each other one summer and continued while each of us went back to our respective schools. It all started when she became very friendly with another guy that first semester and actually invited him to a December formal in which he spent the night with her (although she insists nothing happened other than a kiss). She wound up changing schools the next semester but continued to send and receive letters with this guy for another year or 2 in which he always signed "love". They even got together for lunch the next summer (which I found out after the fact). We continued going out for another 2 years and I think she may have hooked up with a guy or 2 during that time (maybe not full blown sex but some rolling around, etc). We were a few states away from each other when we weren't home. Right around Thanksgiving she started to let me know that we should break it off and it all hit the fan on New Years Eve when she tried her best to make me look like a complete fool in front of all our friends. She was downright nasty and when the clock struck 12, she was making out in the middle of the living room with one of my best friends. Although she always looked hot to me, she had lost a couple of pounds and was an absolute knockout that night. Needless to say, I got the message and decided to move on (as heartbroken as I was). I had a few minor flings over the next couple of months and I can only imagine what she was up to but she actually called me in March to chat. Since I still loved her deep down, I was very cordial and to make a long story short, we started seeing each other again that May. She was very happy to have me back (me too) and things were going great until the following January when she was in her last year at school and I had just started a job. She called me on a Saturday morning and sounded pretty melancholy. After some probing I found out that she had hooked up with a guy (a few years younger than her) the night before and that she had at least given him "a hand" if you get my drift......maybe more, but I don't thing it went all the way. Although I was really pissed, she was very apologetic and I kept seeing her. We got engaged a year and a half later and I think she's been faithful ever since but I can't get over how she treated me before we were married and the images of her with these guys are driving me nuts! Have I lost my mind or is it normal to be bothered so much by the past? She insists that I am the only one she has ever had sex with but I don't totally believe that and she is the only one I have ever been with in a "bibical" sense. I still love my wife but we just had a major blowup about this and I want to stop dwelling. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 I dunno what to say. I mean, you've already married her and graced both of your lives with kids. One half of me wants to say stay with her for the kids and the other wants to ask why you even continued the relationship with her when she gave that guy a handjob while she was with you? Was it an open relationship at that point? Or was it a serious one? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dwellingonthepast Posted December 4, 2008 Author Share Posted December 4, 2008 ...we were even talking about marraige. During our recent blowup I did say "I don't know why the hell I took you back". I don't want to end it but I want to be able to process this whole thing and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Gremio Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 I do not believe in counseling. I feel that if you get to that level of need, the relationship is already over. Both of you should be able to communicate with each other without the need of someone else telling you what to do. Now in your case, maybe it is best for you. You broke a main rule I have... once a cheater always a cheater, yet you took her back. Now because you did, her actions are nagging you. I don't believe you'll ever get over it. You will never trust her. I don't know how to help you there except to say to get rid of her... except you are deeply invested at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 Now in your case, maybe it is best for you. You broke a main rule I have... once a cheater always a cheater, yet you took her back. Now because you did, her actions are nagging you. I don't believe you'll ever get over it. You will never trust her. I don't know how to help you there except to say to get rid of her... except you are deeply invested at this point. So true. I did the same thing. Was cheated on 1 1/2 yrs into dating my bf but believed his remorseful story and took him back. Only to be cheated on again and again (I didn't know this). Married him not knowing he continued to cheat and couldn't get over the betrayal. I don't know what to think of her especially cheating with one of your friends in front of everyone. How disrespectful to you from both her and your friend! I know that in my case, I couldn't get over it. You're right Gremio - that nagging feeling of not trusting stayed with me even 5 yrs later. I figured if he could do it once, he'll do it again. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 We got engaged a year and a half later and I think she's been faithful ever since but I can't get over how she treated me before we were married and the images of her with these guys are driving me nuts! Uh...but you had your flings too:confused: a little double standard here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dwellingonthepast Posted December 4, 2008 Author Share Posted December 4, 2008 we had broken up at that point Link to post Share on other sites
Gremio Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 we had broken up at that point This is only how I feel, but I somewhat compare hooking up even when not together cheating in a way. If you truly love someone and wanted to get back together, you wouldn't have done it. Link to post Share on other sites
Konfuzion Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 Have you tried sitting down and telling her how you feel? Asked her to say shes sorry, explain herself and even ask for forgiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
pyroguy Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 [quote=Gremio;1946208]This is only how I feel, but I somewhat compare hooking up even when not together cheating in a way. If you truly love someone and wanted to get back together, you wouldn't have done it. I totally disagree with this. After what she did, which is one of the first things someone can have to see, what is he supposed to do, roll up and plead for her to come back? She was with another guy, a friend, in front of everyone. That's just a deal breaker and the utimate humiliation. Dwellingonthepast, Like others have said, I don't know how you get over it, and I'm not sure what you were thinking when you proceeded with the relationship. now, you have a big problem. You can't simply cut and run. There definitely needs to be some counseling. What does she have to say for herself when you have these "blowups"? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 we had broken up at that point Well that makes a tad of a difference, sorry I missed that part. I understand where you are coming from. If I had known my xW cheated before we were married, I'd have not married her. Because if they cheat on you in early stages of courtship, what do you think the selfish aholes will do when they have been married for any lenghty period of time? Link to post Share on other sites
SierraRose Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Hummmm....I had a man in my life 17 1/2 years ago. At the time he had a live-in g/f. He cheated on her with me. FF to this year...He searched me out on the internet. He was now married to the then live-in g/f...he faithfully married 15 years ...Guess what. He drove 1500 miles to see me and yes, he cheated on her again with me. W knew he was talking to me as insisted we were always platonic (lie) friends and he missed having me in his life (wonder why). She repeatedly questioned him about an A...denied it till he could deny no more. One night he was "so over ridden with guilt" (playing world's smallest violin here) he emotionally vomited up everything to her. They are now in counseling trying to repair the M. Moral of the story is this...if something isn't sitting right with you, there most likely is a reason. Talk to her, calmly..Don't blame, don't assume, yet stand your ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Hummmm....I had a man in my life 17 1/2 years ago. At the time he had a live-in g/f. He cheated on her with me. FF to this year...He searched me out on the internet. He was now married to the then live-in g/f...he faithfully married 15 years ...Guess what. He drove 1500 miles to see me and yes, he cheated on her again with me. W knew he was talking to me as insisted we were always platonic (lie) friends and he missed having me in his life (wonder why). She repeatedly questioned him about an A...denied it till he could deny no more. One night he was "so over ridden with guilt" (playing world's smallest violin here) he emotionally vomited up everything to her. They are now in counseling trying to repair the M. Moral of the story is this...if something isn't sitting right with you, there most likely is a reason. Talk to her, calmly..Don't blame, don't assume, yet stand your ground. While most of the fault is absolutely the H's own, do you feel no remorse for even making eye-contact with that situation? Why would you even mess around with someone's H to be / H? I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
SierraRose Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 While most of the fault is absolutely the H's own, do you feel no remorse for even making eye-contact with that situation? Why would you even mess around with someone's H to be / H? I don't get it. I'm not justifying my actions, nor my friends. There is a big history between he and I (see my other threads). I have never been involved with a man who was in a committed relationship, nor do I ever want to be. The only remorse I have is not telling him before anything happened.."You say you were in love with me then, you are still in love with me now? Then call me when you are divorced..." Hindsight is 20/20... Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 This thread has a similar look to a thread that was started last winter. Unfortunately, I can't find it. I am going to tell you what I told the other poster. You have had ten good years in your marriage, where the both of you have raised a family and shared wonderful times. This is more than some marriages have. To what purpose does it serve you to be obsessing about past behavior? Let the past go or it will destroy your future. Enjoy what you have in your marriage now. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 You were both young. You were in different colleges. She kissed someone else at a NYE party. How many years ago? We all do crappy things like that when we are young, possibly drunk, and have no relationship skills. She signs her letters, probably to lots of people - love, Suzie. She dated while you were broken up, you dont know if she had sex with any of them but you did. The hand job is a betrayal and she told you about it a year and half before you got married. It isnt as though she cheated and now years later has told you. To be perfectly honest, and not harsh here - you sound angry that she was ever with anyone else, to any degree, regardless of the circumstance. She was young, foolish maybe, and inexperienced. Has she been faithful since making vows to you? Carrying around that resentment , and entering into the marriage with it...is a betrayal in itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 You were both young. You were in different colleges. She kissed someone else at a NYE party. How many years ago? We all do crappy things like that when we are young, possibly drunk, and have no relationship skills. She signs her letters, probably to lots of people - love, Suzie. She dated while you were broken up, you dont know if she had sex with any of them but you did. The hand job is a betrayal and she told you about it a year and half before you got married. It isnt as though she cheated and now years later has told you. To be perfectly honest, and not harsh here - you sound angry that she was ever with anyone else, to any degree, regardless of the circumstance. She was young, foolish maybe, and inexperienced. Has she been faithful since making vows to you? Carrying around that resentment , and entering into the marriage with it...is a betrayal in itself. If it were a female making this post about her husband, would your words be the same? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 I have thought about it. Yes, same response. And sincere. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 I have thought about it. Yes, same response. And sincere. If you don't mind me asking, what would be the cause of that extra thought into the situation if it were a female posting about her husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dwellingonthepast Posted December 5, 2008 Author Share Posted December 5, 2008 I thank everyone for their input and you're all correct to some degree. I realize I'm being somewhat ridiculous harping on this because I definitely contributed to the problem by always taking her back. I guess I just want someone to tell me...."ah hah!" she has "blah blah blah" personality disorder and chaulk it up to that. I just can't figure out why she would have treated me that way and she can't or won't explain it to me. Oh well, things are relatively good between us outside of the stress of raising a big family in a crappy economy. Link to post Share on other sites
Dmoney28 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Its seemed like your wifes cheating and disrepect for you was never addressed. From your post, it seems like she never showed remorse or repentence. Did you guys ever sit down before you "offically" got back together and talk about the reasons why she did what she did. I can understand being a little pissy after 10 years...if you forgave the person, and everything had been fully resolved and trust was built back. But it sounds like you are feeling bad, because you didnt put your foot down 10 years ago. You should have been this upset then.....not 10 years later. Some built up resentment is what it sounds like to me Link to post Share on other sites
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