what's more important: friendship or feelings

[LoveLace]

As of now I don't think that hanging out with "C" one-on-one is a good idea for me anymore. I didn't think "friends" would be a problem but it is. Although, he is a very decent guy and made me promise that our friendship wouldn't be affected by my feelings. And I promised...it seemed he felt pretty strongly about that.

 

But NOW, I feel pretty strongly that I probably can't hang out one-on-one for hours, like we did 3 days ago, without falling more in love with him. But he'll call me up to hang out again sometime, and ignoring him is not an option because we've known each other for years and we have mutual friends - in other words he wouldn't let me get away with disappearing without explaining.

 

So I"ll have to tell him eventually, but what about breaking the promise? Does this mean my confession would make me a non-trustworthy friend? I think he'd argue that his girlfriend trusts him and yadda yadda. Or he'd just get upset that I went back on the promise..I don't want to throw away years of friendship that has now blossomed, but when I see him I'll spend days bummed out that he has a girlfriend, etc. Do I just have to expect that to happen everytime and get over it (temporarily) because he wants my friendship that bad, or should I just refuse to keep letting this happen? There are other potential dates in my life but it doesn't mean I can turn off my feelings if I see him...so what do I do?

[Joyvke]

Though I haven't had met my crush irl as of yet I do know how you feel. It is hard to let someone go if you have strong feelings for them. Even though you are hurt with the fact he has someone else, you want to be around. Mostly probably cause you still like him and deep down hoping for a miracle. I don't think breaking the promise would make you a non trustworthy friend. He should accept the fact it IS hard on you to keep going.

 

Perhaps distance yourself a little bit from him, see how the both of you feel.

[Kamille]

In this case, it's clear that your well-being is more important. LL: here is some tough love:

 

You have a history of falling for guys who make it clear to you that they're not interested in a relationship with you. But you hang on. You find excuses to hang on. This whole I'll have to explain myself-he won't trust me anymore)? An excuse. Your way or rationalizing that there is still a chance that he might fall for you if you two keep seeing each other.

 

But let's tackle the excuse: explain why you feel you need space and if he is your friend, he will understand and give you the time you need to 'fall out of love' with him.

 

LL, you have to stop hanging on to guys who aren't given you what you are looking for. Seriously. Now. Stop it! Do what's good for your well-being.

[LoveLace]

In this case, it's clear that your well-being is more important. LL: here is some tough love:

 

You have a history of falling for guys who make it clear to you that they're not interested in a relationship with you. But you hang on. You find excuses to hang on. This whole I'll have to explain myself-he won't trust me anymore)? An excuse. Your way or rationalizing that there is still a chance that he might fall for you if you two keep seeing each other.

 

But let's tackle the excuse: explain why you feel you need space and if he is your friend, he will understand and give you the time you need to 'fall out of love' with him.

 

LL, you have to stop hanging on to guys who aren't given you what you are looking for. Seriously. Now. Stop it! Do what's good for your well-being.

 

I didn't hang on for long at all when he finally said he just wants to be friends. I was glad it got cleared up, then went on with life for the next few weeks. So when he called and took me out last, I didn't think anything of it. I was never upset about what he said and I was happy that we'd hang out again, period. I didn't know that was a mistake UNTIL the day after. I let go the 1st time with no worries about our friendship, so I went on happily. I was convinced it would never resurface, so there was no reason for me to make "excuses". My "excuse" is a legit one in the sense that I didn't expect my feelings to come back, and come back as more at that!! This is not what I wanted!! I want to be the "friend" that he wants me to be, which is his idea that it's ok to have a girlfriend, and hang with who ever he has a good time with, weather its a man or a woman. But I don't know if I can be that for him - I have been that with a few guys before (that I wasn't attracted to) but not him. Once he told me the truth about everything, it was enough for me - what I didn't know was that this doesn't mean your feelings go away! So the friendship IS affected and that bothers me, a lot.

 

I agree with the idea that he would be just understanding and give me space...we already gave each other weeks of space, but I guess I can just tell him I need more! That way it isn't like saying "we can't be friends anymore".

[LoveLace]

Actually though, this is not rocket science after all...the space starts now...I will see him play at the big city party on New Years Eve but it will be easy to avoid him there. Really easy. Otherwise I'm going to be totally NC and if I end up having to tell him why, fine. I might have to use the "too busy" excuse to dodge his invites, I don't know! Then I'll think enough time has gone by and even if I see him months later, my feelings would come back (unless I meet a guy that I think is as great as him in the mean time). I'll just have to play this by ear, I guess. When I saw him the other night, all it did was remind me of why I liked him. I wish there was a way for this to be okay without it bumming me out later.

[Trialbyfire]

No excuses LL. If you make a promise to someone and can't keep it, make sure you address it with them directly, instead of ducking out.

 

Any sane person on hearing something like this, will understand:

 

"I know I promised you xyz but I still care about you and need some extended space to move on. I hope we can be friends in the future but right now, it's too difficult for me. I hope you'll understand."

[Kamille]

I agree with TBF: why not tackle the issue head on and tell him why you need space? It's what's fair to the both of you and that way you don't have to avoid him or use the "too busy" excuse.

[SierraRose]

Tell him the truth. Once you lie to him once, the snowball effect starts-that's when you damage the friendship.

[LoveLace]

Tell him the truth. Once you lie to him once, the snowball effect starts-that's when you damage the friendship.

 

I wouldn't think of it as lying, I would just think of it as keeping my distance. But TBF is probably right that I should just plain come out with it. But it'll have to be when we see each other next...because I don't want to send him emails anymore. Also it would have to be appropriate time/place when we see each other, and no telling when that might be. He'll call me to hang out eventually. So I guess I could say something then...