Wife out of love with me

[bernaserra]

Hello, I have been married for 2 years and I notice things have been alil different lately. I asked my wife the other night if she knew if she still loved me and she told me she did not know. She is talking of possibly leaving, does not want me touching her and says she doesn't feel anything when I kiss her. When questioned she said she is not sure how she feels about me. This is killing me inside and I dont know what to do we got married when I was quite young and I love her to death. She told me that one of the reasons she feels this way is because I did not cherish her and rather spend time on the pc or play a video game. I have promised her I would cherish her everyday of her life if only she would give me another chance. She also said I am too negative about life. Things have gotten physical 2-3 times one being completely my fault. I didn't beat her but threw her one time and I now believe she is afraid of me. All I see right now is my life going down the drain; we have a baby boy and I worship him so much. I completely want to work things out but she says she does not know if she does anymore. I just can't believe my life is going in this direction and don't know what to do. She does not want to be pressure but i can't stand living like this. I feel crushed and ashamed and afraid.

Edited October 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LakesideDream]

bernaserra, You pretty much screwed the pooch didn't you?! Married two years 9 month old baby and you are getting "physical" with your wife, ignoring her, making her life one of fear and trepidation.

 

Why on earth would you expect her to want to be with her? You have proven yourself with deeds, all you have now is words.

 

My advise? Let her go, let her have a divorce. Try and be a father to your child. Pay her twice what the court say you must for support, leave her alone to try and have a good life. In 5 years, if you are still in love with her, call her and ask her on a date. If she says no, oh well.

 

And bernaserra... give thanks everyday. Get down on your knee's every Sunday in church and thank gawd.... That your wife wasn't my daughter.

Edited October 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Konfuzion]

And bernaserra... give thanks everyday. Get down on your knee's every Sunday in church and thank gawd.... That your wife wasn't my daughter.

 

I am sorry but I lol'ed.

[bernaserra]

Maybe I didnt explain myself but getting physical doesn't mean I attacked her u moron. If she feels cornered then she will attack me. this is supposed to be a place of advice and u attack me if she were ur daughter I would beat ur tail right on down the street. Also I didnt ignore and rarely play games I do jump on the pc though. BUt our marriage is full of misunderstanding and bad communication. I love my wife and my son and work my butt off to provide for them and have made a mistake but done nothing horrible.

[lkjh]

Don't listen to LSD he went from being the biggest basher when it came to cheaters and now he is going after a married woman in a weird movie like way. As for your wife first figure out if she wants to stay together and then you can work from there. Also I don't mean to sound harsh but you may want to do some investigating just to make sure there isn't someone else.

 

Good luck

[bernaserra]

I pray she is not cheating, she seemed more open last night after I backed off on pressuring her. We talked about her day laughed and although it wasn't in my arms she laid kind of close to me while we talk we stayed up past midnight just talking about her day and the funny ppl at work. I also got a small ray of hope when I suggested a christian counseling center. She told me she prefered a christian center cause their answer would not be divorce. So i hope that means she may want to work it out she did let me touch her and hold her some while we slept. She doesnt have any real sneaky cheating habits she is home with me pretty much everynight we work together and her only day without me is saturday which is when I work. but alot of things normally get done that day like her redoing the apartment or spending the day with her mom or grocery shopping so I dont see her cheating especially with the baby. Her parents are pastors and would no watch my lil guy for her to go out and do anything shady. I have always been faithful btw. I do know my fear of abandonment and mistrust brought her to this point so I am a bit more trusting now. She is going out with a friend tonight who is a good person and she rarely goes out and normally takes the baby I actually volunteered to watch my lil guy so she can have some "her time" I have to believe that it is her friend. Mistrust and accusations won't do us good if we are trying to to work on things.

[SRV]

LSD is totally right, DON'T EVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN, I hope you have heard that LOUD AND CLEAR. You sound like an immature tweep for ignoring the advise LSd just gave you and talking about beating him down the street.

 

Word of advise, you will lay your hands on the wrong girl, you will reap exactly what you will have sown. Tread very carefully.

 

Wish you well in your situation.

[bernaserra]

I know putting my hands on a woman is wrong, and like I said before maybe I did not explain myself before caused I am alil emotional but I am not beating this woman up. I am not immature I came here for support and assistance and I get bashed and treated like a woman beater for being honest and threatened. Also LSD must be taking LSD for talking that trash. Screw this site and thanks for nothing. I see this is a witchhunt here and not a place of support.

[Kasan]

I know putting my hands on a woman is wrong, and like I said before maybe I did not explain myself before caused I am alil emotional but I am not beating this woman up. I am not immature I came here for support and assistance and I get bashed and treated like a woman beater for being honest and threatened. Also LSD must be taking LSD for talking that trash. Screw this site and thanks for nothing. I see this is a witchhunt here and not a place of support.

 

You have to understand, that there are all kinds of opinions and degrees of support on an anonymous forum. You simply learn to sift the good advice from the bad.

 

You seem to not take criticism well and when you don't get what you want, you get angry and leave.

 

I am wondering if this is what you do in your marriage?

 

Taking a hard look at yourself and your actions can be very enlightening, and you will see from reading other threads on this forum that some of the men have used these same circumstances to work on themselves.

 

Good luck, and if you stick around I'm sure you will get lots of great help.

 

And for the record........any man that put his hands on me, would be a deal breaker.

[lkjh]

SRV and Kasan,

why don't you go back and read his second post; he clearly says she attacks him. He never said he hit her. Going after someone when they are down is going to cause a negative reaction. When you accuse him of doing something nasty he is going to defend himself and that does not mean he is angry; it means he is human. Don't be so quick in casting blame on the husband just because you have had a negative experience.

[Kasan]

SRV and Kasan,

why don't you go back and read his second post; he clearly says she attacks him. He never said he hit her. Going after someone when they are down is going to cause a negative reaction. When you accuse him of doing something nasty he is going to defend himself and that does not mean he is angry; it means he is human. Don't be so quick in casting blame on the husband just because you have had a negative experience.

 

I haven't had a negative experience actually..........I was responding to his name calling of another poster and his packing up and leaving when he felt attacked. I just didn't care for his tone, and wondered about the dynamics of his marriage.

 

But I am entitled to my opinion...no?

 

You're right, I didn't catch his second post. I'm very glad to hear that he isn't abusing his wife....and I stand corrected.

 

However, his marriage is in crisis and it sounds like counseling for both of them is in order.

[bernaserra]

@Kasan I actually liked your post and found it constructive. I am sorry for my negativity right now but I am very hurt about the whole situation. I have no issues taking blame on things I have done wrong but just don't well for being attacked at the moment. It is easy to give up on a support forum when I feel like I am being attacked and I have never walked away from my family. This is a very emotional time for me right now and I have a knot and pain in my chest that just won't go away. So honestly I am gonna take harsh critisism alil bad. I did not have much issue with what you said and it did make me stop and think and take a look at myself. Once again I apologize for my tone. But the fear of losing my family and the life I have made is hard to bear on me. On a better note we both agreed to counseling and I just set an appointment today. I say again I am not a bad guy I do feel I was abit indifferent to her and did not know it was hurting her so bad. I knew I loved her and maybe I was dumb to expect her to read my mind. Also LSD was right one point words are not going to do much I gotta prove through actions I am still the man she married. Once again I am sorry for my previous tone, but I am really hurting right now and some good advice or a kind word goes along way. I also know that marriage means something to me and I did not get married for 2 years I planned on doing it for the rest of my life so I will spend my life trying to fix myself and my marriage.

[TrustInYourself]

I have some advice for you. Why can't you take negative criticism? Why are you so standoffish?

 

I read 3 of your posts and I get a real sense of immaturity, aggression, and argumentative nature. Perhaps you are a great guy, but you have weaknesses just like the rest of us.

 

How do you bring your wife back into your marriage with love and respect? By playing to your strengths and not letting your anger and immaturity out of the bottle.

 

What are you strengths and what makes you completely irresitible to this woman?

 

Understand, at this point, your wife is done. You have no control, except over your own behavior. To try and force a solution or perception on her, is just another form of control. You have to let go in order to truly love.

[Kasan]

@Kasan I actually liked your post and found it constructive. I am sorry for my negativity right now but I am very hurt about the whole situation. I have no issues taking blame on things I have done wrong but just don't well for being attacked at the moment. It is easy to give up on a support forum when I feel like I am being attacked and I have never walked away from my family. This is a very emotional time for me right now and I have a knot and pain in my chest that just won't go away. So honestly I am gonna take harsh critisism alil bad. I did not have much issue with what you said and it did make me stop and think and take a look at myself. Once again I apologize for my tone. But the fear of losing my family and the life I have made is hard to bear on me. On a better note we both agreed to counseling and I just set an appointment today. I say again I am not a bad guy I do feel I was abit indifferent to her and did not know it was hurting her so bad. I knew I loved her and maybe I was dumb to expect her to read my mind. Also LSD was right one point words are not going to do much I gotta prove through actions I am still the man she married. Once again I am sorry for my previous tone, but I am really hurting right now and some good advice or a kind word goes along way. I also know that marriage means something to me and I did not get married for 2 years I planned on doing it for the rest of my life so I will spend my life trying to fix myself and my marriage.

 

You are really fortunate that your wife has agreed to go to counseling with you.

 

Sadly as has been noted on these boards, once a woman makes her mind up to leave a marriage, leaving has been in the works for some time, and nothing usually changes her mind.

 

There are many resources that can help the both of you with your marriage. Check out the marriagebuilders and divorcebusting websites.

 

Books...His needs, her needs by Willard Harley...........Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman would be a good start.

 

Good luck.......keep us posted!!

[TrustInYourself]

And here's a mind boggler. If she didn't decide to leave, would you want to change? Would you even be considering it now, if she never told you she wanted out?

[bernaserra]

I havent tried to force anything we both kind of agreed to the counseling, and thankfully she hasn't made her mind up yet it seems. she stated she doesn't know which is enough for now. At first I admit I was alil pushy on her but the past couple days I have backed off alot on trying to ask her to make up her mind. She said she was scared i could not change so I think there is some feeling there still. Also I do understand I have weaknesses and am working on my pride and trying to show some humility on these boards. This is my first time opening up like this so I do have some things to learn. Anyhow after backing off things have seemed to improve and she has been less cold with me. I did realize it was not fair to push her to a choice and that these feelings probably did not appear overnight so they won't go away quick.

[bernaserra]

And here's a mind boggler. If she didn't decide to leave, would you want to change? Would you even be considering it now, if she never told you she wanted out?

 

If I knew I was hurting her then I would do anything.

[TrustInYourself]

I havent tried to force anything we both kind of agreed to the counseling, and thankfully she hasn't made her mind up yet it seems. she stated she doesn't know which is enough for now. At first I admit I was alil pushy on her but the past couple days I have backed off alot on trying to ask her to make up her mind. She said she was scared i could not change so I think there is some feeling there still. Also I do understand I have weaknesses and am working on my pride and trying to show some humility on these boards. This is my first time opening up like this so I do have some things to learn. Anyhow after backing off things have seemed to improve and she has been less cold with me. I did realize it was not fair to push her to a choice and that these feelings probably did not appear overnight so they won't go away quick.

 

Well, yes. You have a chance, but take to heart that she's hurt and she's going to act accordingly and her actions could provoke a reaction from you that would weaken your resolve to work on things.

 

Stick with actions and behaviors that continue to build on your recent success. Good luck!

[bernaserra]

I will keep trying thanks.

[Konfuzion]

Sounds like you are on the right path, good for you. You are in a tough situation and I wish you the best, put your best foot forward in counseling and be honest and open up as much as possible.

[LakesideDream]

Bernaserra, I kept reading this thread out of interest. You didn't make it clear how your "physical confrontations" occured with your wife. You did make it clear that you "threw her", personally that would be a deal breaker in my book. IF your wife feels differently, and is willing to try and work things out that's her decision and her business.

 

On to the rest. Why would your wife feel "cornered" and subsequently feel the need to fight her way out of the corner? More important to me as a father of a 29 year old woman, why would you feel the need to "throw" her? You wrote that one of the confrontations being "totally your fault". These are big red flags to me as a father. I have managed to live a long life without lifting a hand to a woman. I don't think that I'm that unusual either.

 

I cannot find anything unusual about your wife becoming afraid of you either. It seems very reasonable to me.

 

You responded to my post with name calling ("moron") and threats, I think.. your statement wasn't very clear, "if she were ur daughter I would beat ur tail right on down the street.

 

You seem to be a man with a volitile temper and aggressive personality. While this may be safe for you in your marriage, and with her Pastoral parents, it may not be. Many of us nearing the age of 60 have had periods in our lives in which violence, on a scale you probably can't imagine was an everyday fact of life. Believing you can "beat down" the old, fat, out of shape guy down the street who has trouble taking out the trash is a perilous assumption. Personally I have reached the point in my life where I will NOT fight. I HAVE NOT, and never will reach the point while I can breath when I will hesitate to defend my children. I would happily risk my freedom, even my life to remove a phyiscal threat to my daughter. Not fight, not argue, not confront, not try to "beat down" as you say... simply REMOVE the threat.

 

Many old guys are sudden and serious. Our threshold for nonsense is much lower than many younger folks. Tread carefully around geezers who have little of value at risk.

[bernaserra]

I apologize for earlier lsd. there is a reason she does not like being cornered that isnt my fualt. i am not violent or angry. with ur 60 years of experince help me out man. share that knowledge ill listen i want to be better. sry for spelling im on a touch phone. just please dont pass such judgement on me. u r creeping out with the nutty talk tho.

[9Lives]

I personally think you have treated her like crap in the future and now she is done with it.

[Kasan]

You both are very young and you have a child. Statistically speaking the odds are very much against your marriage succeeding.

 

But..........the statistics were wrong about my marriage.

 

With that being said, get your head out of your azz, ditch the video games, and make your family your first priority.

 

Regardless of what happens in your marriage, the work that you do on yourself now, will make you a better man later.

 

And, concerning your negativity, have you had a depression screening?

 

By the way, she has to want this marriage to work as badly as you, so lead the family by getting your priorities straightened out.

[Konfuzion]

ditch the video games

 

I couldn't agree more, I have ruined so many relationships in my life due to video games and I no longer play them anymore and I am a much better person all around for it.