frustrated&sad Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Over the Thanksgiving holiday my fiance was insulted by something my father said to my fiance's parents. It wasn't an intentional insult, just a poorly phrased statement. My fiance was so angry that he decided he never wanted to see my father again. I got him to calm down and call my father on Monday to discuss the matter. My fiance decided an email would be better. My dad called him after receiving what was a very nice email and was furious! Absolutely furious, cursing and yelling at my fiance. After that phone call, my fiance decided he never wanted to see my dad again, and called him yesterday to tell him so. He also told my dad that he refused to have him at our wedding. My father is upset and confused. My fiance is upset. I'm upset. The problem is that for my fiance this was the tip of the iceberg. He feels that my father is abusive and controls people with fear and anger. He has always disliked my father from day one. My fiance only ever saw him for me. He thinks my dad is the most despicable person in the world. While my dad is far from perfect, I love him and my fiance. Any advice? Is there ever a chance they could get along? Maybe it is best for them to never speak--my fiance gets psychologically disturbed just thinking about my dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 He feels that my father is abusive and controls people with fear and anger. Hhmmm...so basically like your fiance, then? If you guys aren't planning to have kids, it's gonna be awful for you. If you guys are planning to have kids, it's gonna be worse. Is your fiance able/willing to take responsibility for his OWN anger issues -- your dad is obviously just a trigger for your fiance, not the cause of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Is your fiance correct in his assessment of your father? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Thanksgiving can suck and be stressful. Or, it can be a fun analytical study into differing personalities. Either way it all comes down to how you digest. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Whilst it's early days, you have to make a decision: One: Ditch your BF. Two: Never see your dad again. Three: Decide that this is their problem, you will NOT be drawn into taking sides unless something completely intolerable FOR YOU arises, and you will continue seeing your dad, with or without your Fiance. Furthermore, as your Dad is your family, and he's the one who traditionally gives you away at your marriage, YOU will decide whether he does so, or not. Not your Fiance. Hard as it will be, the moment your BF starts to moan, complain gripe of have a go at your father, you say firmly - "I don't want to hear it. If you have a serious issue with him, I suggest you resolve it with him. Don't pull me into the middle, I love you both. And trust me, if this comes up with my dad, I will say precisely the same thing to him." And make sure you do. The sooner they learn they can't expect you to take sides, or be piggy-in-the-middle, the better it will be for you. You're their weapon, you see. Unless you make a stand now and refuse to be used that way. Because believe me, they will both tear at your heart, crying "Where's your loyalty!?" Link to post Share on other sites
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