To inform or not to inform the wife

[Fun2BMe]

I won't go through all the details but here are two scenerios I am dealing with and am not sure what to do.

 

1. I was involved with a married man who I THOUGHT loved me. I recently realized it was wrong and he took advantage of me. I don't know if his wife should be informed. I wrote a few letters but am not sure if I should send them. I keep thinking, if my husband was cheating, I would want to know. Or if I knew my sister's husband was cheating on her I wouldn't waste a second to inform her.

 

2. A friend's husband was really coming on to me. He paid unannounced visits to my place, hugged me and tried to do more but I stopped him. He kept asking me to go out to eat with him in a different part of town where nobody would see us. And a lot more but I didn't give in to any of it. As a result my friendship with his wife has gone sour because I kept declining all of her invitations to get together so that I would avoid seeing him and now she is cold with me and it hurts my feelings.

 

I feel like her husband got away with putting the moves on me on top of me losing my friendship with her.

 

So in both scenerios, what should I do? And for the record, neither would be to retaliate or because I wanted to be with these men (both are doctors and if I wanted to be with them I had the opportunity and would've pursued things). I admit I was taken with #1 and love clouded my judgement but I finally thank goodness got clarity and am angry at what he did. But part of my confusion is also trying to figure out if punishing them is the best thing as well since why should they get away with a crime especially if I was the victim? Isn't it irresponsible to keep quiet even though it is very difficult and painful to speak up?

 

In both cases, I feel guilty for not informing their wives because like I said I sure would want to know and feel like I am deceitful and lying by keeping quiet and am having a hard time moving on with these deep dark secrets. I basically don't know what the moral and best thing to do is.

[jasminetea]

Do precisely nothing.

 

As much as that may irritate you, you must realise that the wives are unlikely to believe you for very long, even if they believe you at all.

 

Their husbands are intelligent men as demonstrated by their occupations; they've probably come on to other women as well as you and they seem to have their game plans sorted out pretty well. As a result anything you say to the wives will be twisted by their husbands until it looks like you have a screw loose, are jealous, obsessive and live in a world of fiction. Its just not worth it.

[Meaplus3]

No! it's NOT your place to inform the W of her H's cheating..That should come from him. I realize your hurt and feel played, but let it be. Feel glad to be out of the A and to have realized that the mm is a player and probably always will be. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[CAMAYPARK]

What do you gain out of telling the W? I do feel sorry for you but, move on.

[beyondsad]

The OW sent me a letter and I think she was thinking that we would split up and she would get him. But we are working on R and she is out of the picture. I am glad I know because I would rather know than not and now that we have addressed everything we have a clean slate and we are back on track as a couple. I wish he would have been strong enough to tell me but the lies were eating him up (wgt loss etc.). As the BS I have been reading the OW section trying to understand how the OW thinks. i have come to the conclusion that there are those that justify doing wrong and others like myself (non-religous) who could not imagine trying to live a life of lies and deceipt. We all have the oppurtunity to cheat but some of us take the high road and others don't. Not judging just a observation.

[marriedandsad]

Okay I have to be to disagree on the second situation with the friend's husband. I think you SHOULD tell her. Nothing happened on your end, but she has a right to know, ESPECIALLY considering she is getting hurt by you declining invitations. I would invite her out for coffee...just the two of her...and say "Sally, I'm sorry I have been declining your invitations. But there is something you need to know". Give her dates and times. Tell her you love her dearly and don't want to see her hurt or made a fool of and that you will understand if she doesn't believe you. Give her a hug and then let the ball be in HER court. Of course her husband is going to deny it, but hopefully she knows him well enough (the REAL him) to see when he is lying out his teeth.

 

As for the second situation....it's not your place period. It's not your place to put things into action in THEIR marriage....it's his or his wife's place to do that. Just ignore him, go no contact.

[marlena]

As far as I am concerned, I don't believe in telling the wife so that she can "make an informed decision." I don't buy into this for a minute. Anyone who tells is only doing so out of bitterness and rage and a need for vengeance as well as a secret hope that if she finds out, she'll leave her husband.

 

No, let it go and move on.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. The first one? I don't think his W would be surprised to hear it considering how she got together with him in the first place. My guess is that she is fairly aware of how he is with his female patients, and tolerates it - or at least looks the other direction. You wouldn't be telling her something she already knows firsthand. All that would happen is that MM would convince W that you are an erotomaniac that is out of control. As manipulative as he is, she'd believe it. In this case, I wouldn't worry about telling the wife. It is the authorities and the medical board that need to know about this predator before he can do to more patients what he did to you (and others).

 

2. The second one? I'm not sure that it would have the result you would want to see. They would team up against you and give it to you with both barrels. MM are more than happy to make you the target to keep themselves out of the crosshairs. This MM is no different, really.

 

The best thing to do is work to let all of this go entirely. On some level, you want them to keep thinking about you. Attention is what you desire it seems, even if it has to be negative. The sooner you can work to overcome that desire, the better.

 

It won't be easy, but you will definitely want to work on walking away without a further interaction with either of them.

[frannie]

1. I was involved with a married man who I THOUGHT loved me. I recently realized it was wrong and he took advantage of me. I don't know if his wife should be informed. I wrote a few letters but am not sure if I should send them. I keep thinking, if my husband was cheating, I would want to know. Or if I knew my sister's husband was cheating on her I wouldn't waste a second to inform her.

 

2. A friend's husband was really coming on to me. He paid unannounced visits to my place, hugged me and tried to do more but I stopped him. He kept asking me to go out to eat with him in a different part of town where nobody would see us. And a lot more but I didn't give in to any of it. As a result my friendship with his wife has gone sour because I kept declining all of her invitations to get together so that I would avoid seeing him and now she is cold with me and it hurts my feelings.

 

I think that in case (1), while you believe, probably quite rightly, that he took advantage of you, his W might be more than willing to see it in a completely different light. The usual response to hearing that your H is cheating is to blame the OW. In this case, I'd only expose if your reasons are completely altruistic, because the chances are that you would find fingers pointed at you rather than anything in the way of thanks.

 

In case (2) I would say that your friendship with this woman is over, no matter if you tell or don't tell her what her H is doing behind her back. If you tell her and she divorces him she will probably not want you as a friend, a reminder of his infidelity; if they reconcile, then she will not want you around to 'tempt' him. So I fear that you will just have to let this one go, unless, again, you have completely altruistic motives and are prepared never to be friends as such with her again.

 

All in all I'd say just write them both off as bad jobs, if at all possible. I don't think you 'owe' either of the BSs anything. These things can go horribly wrong for the OW, and while some people would say your duty is to inform the BS, I think that's far from realistic.

 

Of course if you just want to do it as one in the eye for the men who put you in this position, then that's another story.

[SierraRose]

Situation #1: it's not your place to tell the W

 

Situation #2: your friendship with her is done.

 

I can assure you if you choose to confront either one of them head on YOU will be the lying wh*re (among other choice labels!) Unless YOU want to be "thrown under the bus," I'd keep my mouth shut.

 

Just an after thought..they are both doctors? I may be waaayyyy off here, but...Ever think MM #1 and MM #2 discussed you? MM#2 may already have known u swam in those waters once before....

[lkjh]

I have to disagree with what everyone is saying. How can people say that in case one its not your place when you were the one he was cheating with. In case 2 she was a friend of yours and if we can't rely on our friends who can we rely on. People only do bad things because we allow them to. Doing the right thing is hard and thats why people rarely do it but its still the right thing. What if their husbands continue to cheat and end up giving one of the wives and STD? Could any of you live knowing you allowed this to happen to someone?

[lkjh]

A lot of people are saying the outcome will not be good for you but nobody really knows. Even if the wives hate you at least you an sleep knowing you did the right thing.

[JamesM]

If you have the right motivation completely, then go for it. However, I do not think that an OW can have the right motivation because she has too much hurt. And for the case of the guy who flirted with you, I think you have lost the friend. There is no way that you can be friends with her and ignore the husband, and I doubt you can actually be good friends with her and never mention what her husband did.

 

Move on, and learn some lessons.

[2sure]

Hi.

 

As to the first case, I am one where I think the BS should always be told. Regardless of the motivation. I guess I'm not sure why you didnt tell her right away though, when you thought he was in love with you...instead of only thinking about it after you found out he doesnt? Doesnt really matter because like I said I think the BS should know regardless of the motivation.

 

As to the second - WOW - I have had the EXACT same problem and have to say it has broken my heart. My best friend for all of my life, like sisters, remarried a guy like the one you describe. He would try to hook up with me when she was in the next room, come to my house, etc. I never ever gave him any indication I was interested, it was insulting. I believe he eventually told her I was hitting on him. I never said anything. I havent seen her in 3 yeras. God, I cant tell you how I miss her every day. I should have said something.

[whichwayisup]

1. I was involved with a married man who I THOUGHT loved me. I recently realized it was wrong and he took advantage of me. I don't know if his wife should be informed. I wrote a few letters but am not sure if I should send them. I keep thinking, if my husband was cheating, I would want to know. Or if I knew my sister's husband was cheating on her I wouldn't waste a second to inform her.

 

Fun, you went in knowing he was married, so to put all the blame on him, isn't fair. Even if you felt he loved you, you knew about the ring on his finger. IF you tell, BE prepared to admit your part in the affair. In all honesty, you shouldn't tell, that's up to him if he chooses to inform his wife.

 

2. A friend's husband was really coming on to me. He paid unannounced visits to my place, hugged me and tried to do more but I stopped him. He kept asking me to go out to eat with him in a different part of town where nobody would see us. And a lot more but I didn't give in to any of it. As a result my friendship with his wife has gone sour because I kept declining all of her invitations to get together so that I would avoid seeing him and now she is cold with me and it hurts my feelings.

 

By having an affair with him, even though now it's ended, you did end the friendship with her the minute you crossed the line with her husband. Sorry, but that is the truth of it.

 

I feel like her husband got away with putting the moves on me on top of me losing my friendship with her.

 

If NOTHING had happened and all along you refused his advances, didn't let yourself fall for him, then maybe a friendship could've continued with her, but that isn't the case.

 

Do nothing, let this go and focus on your own life. No point in mixing up their marriage and confessing the affair.

[bentnotbroken]

Damn the motivation. She has a right to protect herself from diseases. Tell

[Fun2BMe]

Do precisely nothing.

 

As much as that may irritate you, you must realise that the wives are unlikely to believe you for very long, even if they believe you at all.

 

Their husbands are intelligent men as demonstrated by their occupations; they've probably come on to other women as well as you and they seem to have their game plans sorted out pretty well. As a result anything you say to the wives will be twisted by their husbands until it looks like you have a screw loose, are jealous, obsessive and live in a world of fiction. Its just not worth it.

 

I have evidence if they want to take it there. Both of the wives are doctors too so it's not like they're ignorant women who are going to jump on me like those on Jerry Springer. I feel they have a right to know and I am lying by not disclosing bad information I have from them.

[OWoman]

I won't go through all the details but here are two scenerios I am dealing with and am not sure what to do.

 

1. I was involved with a married man who I THOUGHT loved me. I recently realized it was wrong and he took advantage of me. I don't know if his wife should be informed. I wrote a few letters but am not sure if I should send them. I keep thinking, if my husband was cheating, I would want to know. Or if I knew my sister's husband was cheating on her I wouldn't waste a second to inform her.

 

2. A friend's husband was really coming on to me. He paid unannounced visits to my place, hugged me and tried to do more but I stopped him. He kept asking me to go out to eat with him in a different part of town where nobody would see us. And a lot more but I didn't give in to any of it. As a result my friendship with his wife has gone sour because I kept declining all of her invitations to get together so that I would avoid seeing him and now she is cold with me and it hurts my feelings.

 

I feel like her husband got away with putting the moves on me on top of me losing my friendship with her.

 

So in both scenerios, what should I do? And for the record, neither would be to retaliate or because I wanted to be with these men (both are doctors and if I wanted to be with them I had the opportunity and would've pursued things). I admit I was taken with #1 and love clouded my judgement but I finally thank goodness got clarity and am angry at what he did. But part of my confusion is also trying to figure out if punishing them is the best thing as well since why should they get away with a crime especially if I was the victim? Isn't it irresponsible to keep quiet even though it is very difficult and painful to speak up?

 

In both cases, I feel guilty for not informing their wives because like I said I sure would want to know and feel like I am deceitful and lying by keeping quiet and am having a hard time moving on with these deep dark secrets. I basically don't know what the moral and best thing to do is.

 

Fun, in your first scenario, the MM took advantage of you in a professional context, so I'd out him in that context - not to his W. What he did was unprofessional and unethical, and his professional board needs to censure him for that. His W will perhaps find out through the process of the hearing; either way, the professional misconduct should be addressed.

 

In your second scenario, I feel you did owe it to your friend to explain to her why you were shunning her - but it may be too late to do that now. It would have been more appropriate at the time to respond to her invitation by saying something about feeling uncomfortable around her H, that you'd rather see her alone (without him, not necessarily without others) as you'd hate anything to happen between you (him and you) that might jeopardise your friendship. That would have allowed her to confront it at the time - you may have lost her friendship, but not telling her was going to cost it, too, and it would at least have given her the choice at the time. I had a colleague whose H behaved like that (she was the most stunning woman; he was hideous and a complete loser) and years later she confided in a friend that she wished she'd known why she was being frozen out of the work social circle.

 

Good to see you back - how are you doing these days?

[Fun2BMe]

Okay I have to be to disagree on the second situation with the friend's husband. I think you SHOULD tell her. Nothing happened on your end, but she has a right to know, ESPECIALLY considering she is getting hurt by you declining invitations. I would invite her out for coffee...just the two of her...and say "Sally, I'm sorry I have been declining your invitations. But there is something you need to know". Give her dates and times. Tell her you love her dearly and don't want to see her hurt or made a fool of and that you will understand if she doesn't believe you. Give her a hug and then let the ball be in HER court. Of course her husband is going to deny it, but hopefully she knows him well enough (the REAL him) to see when he is lying out his teeth.

 

As for the second situation....it's not your place period. It's not your place to put things into action in THEIR marriage....it's his or his wife's place to do that. Just ignore him, go no contact.

 

 

I would think it the other way around, that the wife of the husband who actually was involved with me physically has more of a right to know that the wife of the husband who didn't succeed getting far with me. I want to stress, that my intentions are 100% not to get with either one - if it were, I am anonymous here, and I would of course state that it was so I get help and feedback about that. I am disgusted by both men, the first one especially because it was illegal for him to 'love' me during paid doctor office visits so if my intentions were to get him into trouble I would have his licensed removed and go to the police.

 

The second scenerio - I wrote a very long "dear abby" type letter to a major publication to a family therapist, she informed me that she is going to have it published with her response some time this month so I am also wondering if I should just mail that to her in a letter. I don't know what her husband has told her and her daughter because her daughter doesn't talk to me anymore. She's a teenager and said she can't talk to me when I used to be close to her, so that upsets me, because I have a feeling he may have said something bad and switched the story on me.

 

I am not THAT close with them to begin with but the fact that he may have said something to distort the facts and get out of it is getting me really mad as well, when he would show up to my place without calling and asking after I kept telling him to and made me go through a lot of humiliation getting him out of my life.

[Fun2BMe]

The OW sent me a letter and I think she was thinking that we would split up and she would get him. But we are working on R and she is out of the picture. I am glad I know because I would rather know than not and now that we have addressed everything we have a clean slate and we are back on track as a couple. I wish he would have been strong enough to tell me but the lies were eating him up (wgt loss etc.). As the BS I have been reading the OW section trying to understand how the OW thinks. i have come to the conclusion that there are those that justify doing wrong and others like myself (non-religous) who could not imagine trying to live a life of lies and deceipt. We all have the oppurtunity to cheat but some of us take the high road and others don't. Not judging just a observation.

 

She seems very young and naive to think she could get him to want to be with her by doing that! But I'm glad to hear it's made your relationship stronger as a result, and that you were able to forgive him and believe he would not do something like that to you again. As a tip, I don't think you should waste your energy trying to figure out the mind of the OW - it only thinks based on the BS the OM fills into her head to get her to believe in combined with her unique life experiences, baggages and many other factors which even a therapist would probably not get to the bottom of...best to figure out how/why your husband thinks and acts the way he does IMO.

[Fun2BMe]

As far as I am concerned, I don't believe in telling the wife so that she can "make an informed decision." I don't buy into this for a minute. Anyone who tells is only doing so out of bitterness and rage and a need for vengeance as well as a secret hope that if she finds out, she'll leave her husband.

 

No, let it go and move on.

 

 

Why do 100% of people think it is for her to leave him? If I wanted that to happen, why would I be waiting so many months and contemplating all of this? I'd write a mean spirited nasty letter with my evidence and send it off already.

[Fun2BMe]

1. The first one? I don't think his W would be surprised to hear it considering how she got together with him in the first place. My guess is that she is fairly aware of how he is with his female patients, and tolerates it - or at least looks the other direction. You wouldn't be telling her something she already knows firsthand. All that would happen is that MM would convince W that you are an erotomaniac that is out of control. As manipulative as he is, she'd believe it. In this case, I wouldn't worry about telling the wife. It is the authorities and the medical board that need to know about this predator before he can do to more patients what he did to you (and others).

 

2. The second one? I'm not sure that it would have the result you would want to see. They would team up against you and give it to you with both barrels. MM are more than happy to make you the target to keep themselves out of the crosshairs. This MM is no different, really.

 

The best thing to do is work to let all of this go entirely.

This makes 100% good sense to me, thank you.

 

 

On some level, you want them to keep thinking about you. Attention is what you desire it seems, even if it has to be negative. The sooner you can work to overcome that desire, the better.

THis gets me angry because I DO NOT WANT them to be thinking of me, especially the 2nd one, it felt so disgusting and like insense considering i was friends with his wife and daughter. He started attending a weekly activity plus a weekly class in my community that I've been enrolled in for over 2 years, after he found out I take them and as hard as it was, I stopped going to them because he disgusts me and I am furious that he has intruded into my social life which is so small to begin with. I fantasize cutting both of these men's penis's off as psychotic as that sounds, and can relate to women who have actually gone through with it because I can really relate to the anger and disgust they can feel towards men who take advantage of them.

 

So the point about my classes was that, if I wanted him to think of me in any way, I would continue to go to the classes so he would see me and do all that BS stuff. I want NOTHING to do with him, and the #1 guy still texts/calls every few weeks and I don't respond or go to see him or call him like he asks me to do. SO again, I have the opportunity to mess with him too if I had any interest in him but I don't. And this bothers me how everyone will assume I want these men if I make a move in any way, but I am very tempted to report that man to the police but the only thing holding me back is I don't want a smear campaign on my name, since this thread alone demonstrates, I'll be made out to be the bad guy.

[Fun2BMe]

Situation #1: it's not your place to tell the W

 

Situation #2: your friendship with her is done.

 

I can assure you if you choose to confront either one of them head on YOU will be the lying wh*re (among other choice labels!) Unless YOU want to be "thrown under the bus," I'd keep my mouth shut.

 

Just an after thought..they are both doctors? I may be waaayyyy off here, but...Ever think MM #1 and MM #2 discussed you? MM#2 may already have known u swam in those waters once before....

 

Trust me, #1 would NEVER tell a soul and would make me go through 5 minutes of swearing and promising him I wouldn't tell anyone each time I saw him. They are in completely different fields and I can't stress how big #1 is in the community, he wouldn't be friends with #2 in any way.

 

But I guess it makes sense that nothing good will come out of telling either wife, it just seems that as a woman I feel they should know just like as I said I'd want to know or my sister to know if I was in the same shoes, so maybe doing less than a good deed is best if it's only going to come back to bite me.

[Fun2BMe]

Hi.

 

As to the first case, I am one where I think the BS should always be told. Regardless of the motivation. I guess I'm not sure why you didnt tell her right away though, when you thought he was in love with you...instead of only thinking about it after you found out he doesnt? Doesnt really matter because like I said I think the BS should know regardless of the motivation.

 

IT's a lot more complicated than that. I didn't tell her right away because I was in love with him and thought we'd be together, but deep down I knew something was wrong, so I started seeing a very top notch therapist to sort things out, paying up to $1,000/week at times, from March up until just a couple of weeks ago. During part of this time I was still going to see him for "treatment."

 

It took a lot of heavy therapy for me to realize that no, this is not a healthy and real relationship when I see him only during paid office visits. I went to see him one last time a few weeks ago. I wanted to give him an opportunity to apologize, to tell him all that I had come to realize and that he can't take advantage of me any more, but he was 100% sexual the whole time and it disgusted me and I am full of rage how I never realized what a preditor he was and was completely disgusted and angry (and yes, he charged me for that visit too). My ex had referred him to me and I told him what had happened and he has lost respect for me because I didn't go straight to the police, but again, he never understood the layers of emotions I went through which my therapist helped me figure out over the course of several months, a luxury most people don't have or can't afford to get so without her professional help I may not have realized he was taking advantage of me to this day and instead be posting "how can I get him to leave his wife" which was where I was at a year ago, thinking we were soulmates, which now disgusts me.

 

 

 

As to the second - WOW - I have had the EXACT same problem and have to say it has broken my heart. My best friend for all of my life, like sisters, remarried a guy like the one you describe. He would try to hook up with me when she was in the next room, come to my house, etc. I never ever gave him any indication I was interested, it was insulting. I believe he eventually told her I was hitting on him. I never said anything. I havent seen her in 3 yeras. God, I cant tell you how I miss her every day. I should have said something.

 

That's really sad when somethig like that happens. I have emails I have sent him telling him to please stop coming unannounced. I have one stating I felt uncomfortable when he came to my home and let himself in early in the morning when I wasn't dressed. There are a whole string of emails telling him to back off.

 

Again, if it wasn't for my pricey therapist I bet he would've succeeded in seducing me. I am not so outspoken, so during my sessions my therapist would help me word strict emails to send to him without any mixed messages for him to know exactly how I felt I didn't want to have anything to do with him, instead of using body language and expecting him to be smart enough on his own to know it was unwanted advances.

 

For example, just 3 days after a no-nonsense email I sent him telling him to stay away, on a Sunday night I had gone to run some errands at the store, when I got back, I had an email stating that he had stopped by that night with some pasta he had made but I wasn't home, when could he come back!! I was so angry he had the guts to still come by unanounced. If it was up to me, I would've thought it rude to lash out, I would've thanked him for going through the trouble to make food for me and hope he would still stay away, but my therapist helped me compose an email at our session, stating I didn't want his pasta and to stay away. So to those who think I want him to still think of me today, NO I DO NOT. I do not want to have anything to do with hiim. I have zero respect for him.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun, you went in knowing he was married, so to put all the blame on him, isn't fair. Even if you felt he loved you, you knew about the ring on his finger. IF you tell, BE prepared to admit your part in the affair. In all honesty, you shouldn't tell, that's up to him if he chooses to inform his wife.

 

 

 

By having an affair with him, even though now it's ended, you did end the friendship with her the minute you crossed the line with her husband. Sorry, but that is the truth of it.

 

It's a stretch to call it an affair, considering I saw him during paid office visits. It was more like sexual assault IMO.