Meeting my ex tomorrow need

[daithi]

Hey

 

I'm meeting my ex girl tomorrow evening, I havent seen her in eleven months and I miss her everyday. She agreed to meet me but I said I just wanted to see her and not talk about the break up. But I really want this to be the first step back on the road to getting us back together.

 

I need some advice from you guys on how to present myself, what to talk about, what should my body language be like.

 

I miss her terribly but she has barely spoken to me in a year and looks happy with her life now, I just want back in, please help me to.

[CaliGuy]

Keep it light, fun and be happy (fake it if you have to). Resist ALL URGES to talk about your feelings, the relationship or who she is seeing. You need to act like she is an old friend and not someone you dated.

 

Be light, cheery and respectful. Your life is GREAT without her and she needs to see that -- at all costs.

 

Do not, whatsoever, get mushy, sad or feel sorry for yourself. Men like that are not attractive to women. Confident, secure, fun and happy men are EXTREMELY attractive to women. Burn that in your mind before you meet her.

[daithi]

Oh some more information we where together for 2years. a year long distance and a year living together, she got fed up waiting for me and she is very hurt

[Geishawhelk]

That information is utterly superfluous.

Sorry, but not sure what your point was in adding that.....

 

Read again, what Caliguy wrote.

If anyone knows, it is he.

 

Take it in, etch it into your mind, and live by it.

 

The last thing she will want to see, is a weepy wuss.

[daithi]

Thanks it was just to add context

[BCCA]

If you dont mind sharing, what led up to this meet up? Was it your idea, did she call you first, etc?

 

The only reason I ask is that after 11 months, if it was you who suggested this meet up, she could honestly view it as little more than a friendly get together, which is initially fine, but my guess is that youre looking to get back together, not be friends.

 

If I can offer you one piece of advice its to try as hard as you can to not go into this with any expectations. Those are what will REALLY burn you in these situations.

[justletgo07]

I hate to say it man, but I'm honestly nor sure you're ready to see her. It's been 11 months and you're still very hung up on her. Odds are, she will see that, and as good as your intentions are, she won't find that very attractive. If anything, she may think "He hasn't changed." You can control what you say, but you can only do so much to control your non-verbal communication (body language, etc.) It has been a while, but I imagine she can still read you.

 

Caliguy was exactly right regarding your behavior, but the problem is, you'll be faking it. If reconciliation is really what you want, you can't fake it. It has to be real. You have to let your past relationship die. It's not coming back, and you shouldn't want it to. You have to start over.

 

In my opinion, you might want to consider postponing this meeting. Not to be a downer. Just looking out for you buddy.

[BCCA]

I hate to say it man, but I'm honestly nor sure you're ready to see her. It's been 11 months and you're still very hung up on her. Odds are, she will see that, and as good as your intentions are, she won't find that very attractive. If anything, she may think "He hasn't changed." You can control what you say, but you can only do so much to control your non-verbal communication (body language, etc.) It has been a while, but I imagine she can still read you.

 

Caliguy was exactly right regarding your behavior, but the problem is, you'll be faking it. If reconciliation is really what you want, you can't fake it. It has to be real. You have to let your past relationship die. It's not coming back, and you shouldn't want it to. You have to start over.

 

In my opinion, you might want to consider postponing this meeting. Not to be a downer. Just looking out for you buddy.

 

I totally agree, you just cant fake it with someone who knows you well. They know what buttons to push to get your cards out on the table, and all youll be doing by faking it is pretending to be something youre not for the sake of getting her back. Any tricks or tactics you use when interacting with her might seem good initially, but eventually the truth will come out one way or the other.

 

Im not sure youre ready to see her either. Again though, Im wondering whose idea it was to have this meet up.

[ozzietraffic]

I think there is a lot of truth to what CaliGuy is saying, but I also think that if you are very good at acting, you can indeed fake it pretty well... at least I think it has been working for me very well... you just need to genuinely be interested in the other person and just make conversation like you would with any other friend, maybe a little more cautious and try not to flirt at all the first time, but overall just friendly and light stuff is good. Anticipation is also good, so being able to read the person's body language and the meanings behind words as they do both these things is essential. So yeah, it is pretty difficult actually, but its not impossible. I think the best plan is to be real, stick to your guns, and don't worry about the outcome, there is only so much you can do. Otherwise, I would not meet up at all.

[daithi]

Hi guys

 

im just back from the weekend away to see her... Em I tried and not give too much away, the conversation was friendly but mostly centered on her, she didnt ask me once about me or my family. There was very little eye contact throughout and she seemed easily distracted.

 

I did pay her a couple of compliments on how she looked, she seemed to take them well, only one or two moments where we could have argued but i defused them pretty quick..

 

She let me by her a drink, to be honest it felt great for that moment. She did drop an old friends name in the conversation, im not sure if she is seeing him or not, she say he looked gay at one point, so I Dont know.

 

She wouldnt let me walk her home, but I did ask her for a hug leaving and she put her head into the spot in my chest she always used to, maybe its just habit, it didnt feel like a hug you would give a friend, you dont bury your head in your friends chest. I left her with two christmas cards, one for her and one for her parents, hopefully that will have some effect, I really dont know.

 

She give the barman a smile on the way like they had done something or knew each other pretty well.

 

So let me know what you think...

[justaman99]

She was distracted and didn't ask about you and your family?

 

She's not interested.

 

You complimented her on her looks?

 

She knows you pine for her still.

 

She smiled at the bartender?

 

She isn't interested in getting back together.

 

She didn't let you walk her home?

 

She doesn't really think about you that much anymore.

 

You gave her 2 Christmas cards?

 

She knows you still pine for her. She has all the power which screws you and your intentions.

 

Sorry but you gotta move on man.

 

-Just

[daithi]

Hey man, thanks for your input while I agree with some of it, not all of it, I would like a womans opinion on all this if its possible, here is the full story...

 

She text me after work saying she hadnt alot of time, so I brought it forward about an hour, so we had more time together. Had to get ready pretty but was thrown of a bit from the start because I was having to rush things. We up met her outside an hotel and we walked down to a pub. Em she let me buy her a drink so im thinking good start, it felt really good to do that im not going to lie.. Pub was wedged so we had to go outside and talk. I tried to keep the conversation mainly about her, asked her about her new tatoo how she was getting on, tried to make sure there was no silence at any point, she didnt ask about me or my family though at any point, it was all about her and what she was going to do, cornered her once about her not saying goodbye to my dad when i saw her last, said she was afraid of him, seemed annoyed by this, asked her why she has finally seen me, she said she doesnt know why she does things. She dropped this guys name in a couple of time, he was a guy she was supposed to go out with when she got with me, he is buying her a coat for xmas cause he a discount cause he works in River Island, she also said he looks gay, so who knows. I told her she looks amazing, in the best shape ive ever seen her and all that, seemed to take it well, kind of just like no im not, she still so insecure about herself, she showed me a photo of her new nephew with her holding him, that really got to me, she had my phone, looking for pictures of her tat for me, that was a nice momemt, nice interaction. We nearly drifted into an argument, but told her to smile for me instead she did, it was lovely, emm, she did smile at the barman on the way out, and he kind of had a sly smile on his face, so they either did something or he knows too much about who I am. She wouldnt let me walk her home, she said it was only 5minutes away so no need, that kind of sucked ass, I asked her for a hug, and she put her head into my chest like she always used to, it wasnt like a hug you would give a friend, i have never had a friend put their head into my chest, maybe it was just an old habit from her, I dont know. I gave her two xmas cards one for her and one for her parents, so hopefully they will have some impact. I think she is still wearing my claddagh ring on her left hand, I think its the one I gave her a couple of years ago im not sure, I hope it is,if she is still wearing it, it has to mean something, I did drop the ball once or twice, i did say thanks for seeing me and that you really didnt have to, so i think that was a bad thing, em,, she did get narky once with me, but I showed she didnt intimidate me, she obviously doing that alot to excert power at work. Em it was good and it was bad, I dont know what really to take from it.

[BCCA]

There are some key points I want you to think about:

 

1. She let you buy her a drink? Dude, you can buy me a drink, too...but im not interested in you.

 

2. You complimented her; did she compliment you or just say 'thanks'.

 

3. She dropped the guys name on purpose. Even if theyre not together, she wanted you to get the hint.

 

4. The argument you almost got into was probably all but started by her on purpose to push you away/ get out. You probably swallowed some pride to just let it go, no?

 

5. She wouldnt even let you walk her home.

 

 

Here is what you should take from it: if nothing else, you should have no regrets and no uncertainty: this is over. She did not do anything to give me the slightest impression she was into you or considering the relationship. She doesnt know why she does things? Gee, she couldnt even make up something nicer about why she agreed to see you?

 

Look man, this is a pointless exercise with her. You dont want the same things. I wouldnt plan on seeing or talking with her again.

[daithi]

There are some key points I want you to think about:

 

1. She let you buy her a drink? Dude, you can buy me a drink, too...but im not interested in you.

 

2. You complimented her; did she compliment you or just say 'thanks'.

 

3. She dropped the guys name on purpose. Even if theyre not together, she wanted you to get the hint.

 

4. The argument you almost got into was probably all but started by her on purpose to push you away/ get out. You probably swallowed some pride to just let it go, no?

 

5. She wouldnt even let you walk her home.

 

 

Here is what you should take from it: if nothing else, you should have no regrets and no uncertainty: this is over. She did not do anything to give me the slightest impression she was into you or considering the relationship. She doesnt know why she does things? Gee, she couldnt even make up something nicer about why she agreed to see you?

 

Look man, this is a pointless exercise with her. You dont want the same things. I wouldnt plan on seeing or talking with her again.

 

1. Believe me thats a big step from where we are at, believe me its a good thing.

 

2. She has low self esteem, just said that she isnt pretty, which is untrue.

 

3. Yeah I know the dude

 

4. it was not an argument, its was more than i hit a nervy spot, if she wanted to go she would have just up and left

 

5. Yeah thats the big one for me, bad sign alright, but its the first time ive seen her in 11 months.

 

Well why would she considering a relationship after not seeing her for near a year, that would be impossible to do and it wasnt the point of the meeting. It was merely the first step on the ladder, to see her after so long, she will see me again and I want to see her again.

 

Just to be clear I dont want my old relationship with her, it was broken and cant be fixed, that I know. What I want is something new, from the ground up. All I want is to show her the bare me, the real me and gain her trust again, so I can walk her home.

 

You can cut and run and stay and fight and I have been running for 11months and now its full circle and its time to fight.

[BCCA]

Brother, I had 5 years invested with a girl whom I thought was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. I tried the fighting for it and everything else you can think of.

 

You need to realize that you'll be fighting a losing battle if she doesnt want the same thing. Nothing you can do or say is going to show her anything that will change her mind. If she was interested in starting over, she would have given you a clearer sign. The only signs she gave, to me, were ones that she wasnt interested in anything more than being friendly.

 

I urge you not to invest too much of your emotions. Your best bet is to go back to NC, and let things be. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

[daithi]

Im not investing any emotions in this, I'm merely taking small steps is all, I dont know where this will end up and how till will end up. But wherever it does has to be better than now.

 

Dont get me wrong she gave me what I deserved this year, and ive learned alot of female psychology and im seeing a councellor who is a relationship councellor and I arranged this meeting on her advice, I wouldnt have done it alone, and if she only sees I am a man and I have balls that is a good start.

 

Im not investing anything, ive been with 9 women this year to help me get over this, but hasnt worked.

 

Im sorry about the 5year thing, but the only hope I have is my brother, he ended a similar way, but now is married with kids with the girl after 5years apart, so that my hope .

[BCCA]

Im sorry about the 5year thing, but the only hope I have is my brother, he ended a similar way, but now is married with kids with the girl after 5years apart, so that my hope .

 

This is part of the problem. EVERYONE knows at least one couple like this, broke up on the worst terms, time apart, got back together and made it work. The problem is, this is the EXCEPTION not the rule. Relationships are unpredictable, so there are times when they end up throwing you a curve.

 

Do yourself a favor, be honest here. If she ends up saying all youll ever be is friends, you'll feel like crap, wont you? As much as we dont like to beleive were investing emotions, theyre already on the line. Just by letting this person into your life at all, youre risking dissapointment.

 

Just so you know, I've done a ton of studying on relationships, psychology, how to cope, I see a therapist once a week, and have tried to better myself. But none of this is for her or our relationship. Its for ME and making myself better off next time.

 

Just tread lightly.

[daithi]

Im sorry about the 5year thing, but the only hope I have is my brother, he ended a similar way, but now is married with kids with the girl after 5years apart, so that my hope .

 

This is part of the problem. EVERYONE knows at least one couple like this, broke up on the worst terms, time apart, got back together and made it work. The problem is, this is the EXCEPTION not the rule. Relationships are unpredictable, so there are times when they end up throwing you a curve.

 

Do yourself a favor, be honest here. If she ends up saying all youll ever be is friends, you'll feel like crap, wont you? As much as we dont like to beleive were investing emotions, theyre already on the line. Just by letting this person into your life at all, youre risking dissapointment.

 

Just so you know, I've done a ton of studying on relationships, psychology, how to cope, I see a therapist once a week, and have tried to better myself. But none of this is for her or our relationship. Its for ME and making myself better off next time.

 

Just tread lightly.

 

I am honest, ive been honest for with myself for near a year, ive opened my eyes to this problem, and I have addressed all the faults with me that caused this break up. I wont be friends with her, I said no when I was breaking up, which according to people in the know was a fundamental mistake, it would have easier to be friends and show a change in me, than be 120 miles away and not been able to make her see.

 

Im not risking anything because at present me and her are at 0, well maybe 2 after the meeting. My point here is that im trying to build something with her that will get me back on speaking terms with her first. The girl asked me to marry her before, so at least talking to me again should not be that much of a stretch for both of us in the future.

 

Thats good mate, and im doing something similar, im bettering myself mentally and learning from my mistakes, im also trying to kill that guy who did this inside of me, he has a really bad track record of hurting peoples feelings.

[Dlyrica]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I noticed you said that she might have been wearing a ring that you gave her years ago so that has to mean something. I've got to say, I wear jewelry all the time from exes and it doesn't mean a single thing to me, I simply like it. One of my best friends wears like a full set of jewelry from an ex all the time and I know it isn't for some significant reason, she just thinks it's pretty.

 

Anyway good luck with everything.

[BCCA]

You said:

 

Im not risking anything because at present me and her are at 0, well maybe 2 after the meeting.

 

But then:

 

My point here is that im trying to build something with her that will get me back on speaking terms with her first. The girl asked me to marry her before, so at least talking to me again should not be that much of a stretch for both of us in the future.

 

See, you ARE risking your emotions. I know its easier to look at it from the 'what do I have to lose' position, because thats what you want to believe, but the truth is you have a lot to lose.

 

Also, do yourself the biggest favor ever by letting the past be the past. She asked you to marry her BEFORE, not this morning. As of right now, she doesnt even want to date you, let alone marry you. And like Dylrica said, people dont always have the same attachments to items that we think they do. I saw an ex of mine rocking the coach purse I bought her years after we broke up. Do I think it meant something to her? Yeah, it meant it was a nice purse and she wasnt going to throw it away because we broke up - nothing more.

 

I dont mean to beat you up over this, but anyone who told you being friends would help you reconcile flat out lied to your face. It has the complete opposite effect, youre unknowingly meeting their interim needs, while yours go unmet, until they find someone else and dont need you anymore. And trust me, she wouldve found someone else even if you were hanging around as just a friend. On top of that, YOU DONT WANT TO BE JUST A FRIEND, so why go along with something that makes your unhappy for her when she isnt doing anything to make you happy? Saying "no" to a friendship was the smartest thing you couldve done.

 

I am honest, ive been honest for with myself for near a year, ive opened my eyes to this problem, and I have addressed all the faults with me that caused this break up.

 

Sorry, but I'm going to use you as an example here. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ALL THE PROBLEMS WERE!!! I can promise you she didnt tell you the whole truth, and so whatever youre trying to fix for the sake of this relationship is futile. Also, you are NOT the only one in the relationship, so its impossible for you alone to fix the problems that caused the break.

 

What I meant by be honest was to be honest with yourself about what you want. You D-O-N-T want to be just friends, so why are you going to go along with it? Just for an outside chance that this friendship will turn into something else? You know what, it might...it might turn into a friendship that lasts until she meets someone else, and then could care less if you were dead. The chances that it would rekindle your relationship are as close to nill as possible. Think less than 5% chance, if that.

 

I'm pretty sure youre going to do whatever you want anyway, I know I would. Just let us know what happens either way. A lot of us started with the same mindset as you, but after what we've gone through and seen, we see the forest through the trees.

[Cub]

Awesome post.

 

Yeah, you should listen to BCCA.

 

But if you're set on building a relationship with her, wait another week, then ask her out again; something light, but something you know she would enjoy. If she turns you down, wait another week, then ask her again. If she still turns you down, give up - the struggle is too great just to get to friendship, and your time is better spent on someone who IS interested in breathing the same air as you.

[daithi]

Yeah, you should listen to BCCA.

 

But if you're set on building a relationship with her, wait another week, then ask her out again; something light, but something you know she would enjoy. If she turns you down, wait another week, then ask her again. If she still turns you down, give up - the struggle is too great just to get to friendship, and your time is better spent on someone who IS interested in breathing the same air as you.

 

 

I dont know what I want to build, I dont even know if I want a relationship, but I do know I want to see her for a start. We where both very hurt by the break up, her more than me at the start but me more than her now. She is a complicated woman no doubt. Im not going to just ask her out, cause she will say no, She is unhappy deep down, she is drinking alot and failing college (in her degree year). Im going to meet her again in January of Febuary.. I just want to get things talking again, not being friends not in a relationship, and take it from there.

 

As for the Claddagh ring, if it was another piece of jewerlery I would not really think about it too much to be honest. But that ring has meaning in Ireland.

[daithi]

You said:

 

Im not risking anything because at present me and her are at 0, well maybe 2 after the meeting.

 

But then:

 

My point here is that im trying to build something with her that will get me back on speaking terms with her first. The girl asked me to marry her before, so at least talking to me again should not be that much of a stretch for both of us in the future.

 

See, you ARE risking your emotions. I know its easier to look at it from the 'what do I have to lose' position, because thats what you want to believe, but the truth is you have a lot to lose.

 

Also, do yourself the biggest favor ever by letting the past be the past. She asked you to marry her BEFORE, not this morning. As of right now, she doesnt even want to date you, let alone marry you. And like Dylrica said, people dont always have the same attachments to items that we think they do. I saw an ex of mine rocking the coach purse I bought her years after we broke up. Do I think it meant something to her? Yeah, it meant it was a nice purse and she wasnt going to throw it away because we broke up - nothing more.

 

I dont mean to beat you up over this, but anyone who told you being friends would help you reconcile flat out lied to your face. It has the complete opposite effect, youre unknowingly meeting their interim needs, while yours go unmet, until they find someone else and dont need you anymore. And trust me, she wouldve found someone else even if you were hanging around as just a friend. On top of that, YOU DONT WANT TO BE JUST A FRIEND, so why go along with something that makes your unhappy for her when she isnt doing anything to make you happy? Saying "no" to a friendship was the smartest thing you couldve done.

 

I am honest, ive been honest for with myself for near a year, ive opened my eyes to this problem, and I have addressed all the faults with me that caused this break up.

 

Sorry, but I'm going to use you as an example here. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ALL THE PROBLEMS WERE!!! I can promise you she didnt tell you the whole truth, and so whatever youre trying to fix for the sake of this relationship is futile. Also, you are NOT the only one in the relationship, so its impossible for you alone to fix the problems that caused the break.

 

What I meant by be honest was to be honest with yourself about what you want. You D-O-N-T want to be just friends, so why are you going to go along with it? Just for an outside chance that this friendship will turn into something else? You know what, it might...it might turn into a friendship that lasts until she meets someone else, and then could care less if you were dead. The chances that it would rekindle your relationship are as close to nill as possible. Think less than 5% chance, if that.

 

I'm pretty sure youre going to do whatever you want anyway, I know I would. Just let us know what happens either way. A lot of us started with the same mindset as you, but after what we've gone through and seen, we see the forest through the trees.

 

Its not that being friends would reconcile us, its more that the door of communication would have been open for both us. I know for a fact that she wanted to let it all die down and then come and see me, but I kind of didnt let that happen when I should.

 

Me and her know we cant be friends, there was always a chemistry with us when we spent too long in each others company. Its strange what she asked for was for me to come and see her,(she lives 120miles away, which means I would have to stay with her in her bed, but she didnt want the relationship anymore), At the time I was so confused by her telling me that she was in Love with me, but breaking up was the best thing for her in the long term.

 

I know exactly what went wrong, Ive heard what she said to me (the half truth) and what she said to her friends (the full truth), and most of it comes down to the way I was acting for about 3 months, I have seen psychologists, to get to the root of the problem with me and I think I have it fixed. I am a better person now because of it, but I still want to show her that Im not the guy who hurt her(not physically). I would be happy to start from there to be honest.

[BCCA]

As long as you didnt tell her never to call again, changed your number and got a restraining order, the lines of communication were never closed; she just chose not to use them.

 

STOP thinking for her, or adding her thoughts to this equation. You DONT know what shes thinking/feeling, and the sooner you stop trying to fill in the blanks, the better off youll be. She wanted to let it all die down and come see you, but really - she dumped you. I'm sorry to be harsh, but the part about wanting things to die down was just something nice to say. No one, NO ONE in their right mind dumps someone they see a long term future with. We're all guilty of doing what youre doing, which is filling in the blanks for someone else in a way that gives us hope. Bottom line, if she wanted to be with you, she would.

 

Look bro, again, I told my ex hundreds of times we were NEVER going to be friends, we never were friends, and I am not friends with ANY ex of mine. And we were together for 5 years, and inseperable from the first date on. She STILL tries to push the friends thing off on me, knowing everytime that when I catch on I'm going to be pissed. Stop saying she knows you cant just be friends, and then in the next sentence, you say you want to be friends and build something new. Dude, it takes two to tango - if shes not on board with trying it again, there isnt anything you can do about it. To be blunt, I havent heard her say anything to make me think she is thinking like you are. Youre just trying to kid yourself into believing that there is something you can do to get her back, when that decision is 100% based on her WANTING you back. Changing whatever you think you need to is great for yourself, but will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help you get her back. I know dude, I tried it all. And if you honestly belive that her friends would give you inside info that she didnt want you to have...Im sure one of the female posters here can clue you in on how unlikely that is. They probably told you some stuff, but trust me, thats NOT going to change anything. She lost interest in the relationship, plain and simple, and if she EVER was going to get it back, its going to come entirely from her own feelings, not anything youre going to do or say.

 

she lives 120miles away, which means I would have to stay with her in her bed, but she didnt want the relationship anymore

 

Yeah, but she broke up with you, she didnt swear off sex.

 

At the time I was so confused by her telling me that she was in Love with me, but breaking up was the best thing for her in the long term.

 

You were confused because this is nonsensical crap people say when they dump you so they dont look like a total jerk. She's doing everyone a favor, dumping you wasnt a total selfish move...thats the picture she was trying to paint.

 

Listen, as someone who has dealt with his fair share of break up/make ups...unless she comes back to you, admits she made a mistake by breaking up with you and wants to try again, you're only setting yourself up for dissapointment. It has to be her decision that she makes on her own, or you'll only be wasting your time. From what I've read here, she doesnt seem to be implying she wants to give it another shot at all.

 

Im sorry if I sound like a douche, but you just remind me of where I was before, and I want to save you the heartache, if I can.

[Oscar51]

This my friend is where you grab what pride you have left and move on! Try this on for size...They say if she wants you back, neither hell nor high water will stop her. It's true, you want her back and you're about to risk your dignity, pride and self respect for her. Thus equaling THE HELL OR HIGH WATER.

 

IF SHE WANTED/WANTS TO BE WITH YOU...SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU. DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE KNOWING THAT YOU HAD TO FORCE, BEG, PLEAD FOR THEM BACK? IF YOU DO THEN YOU NEED TO BE CHECKED OUT.