Meeting my ex tomorrow need

[Peter_pan]

BCCA is totally correct, i know its hard mate. your look back on this in 5 months and agree. trust me.

 

i have taken almost a year to get over my ex. yeah i still miss her. but she is some one else now. i dont know her. she dosnt no me. end of.

 

and yes she is with her new bf she left me for still.

 

 

i spoke to a mate of mine and it opened my eye's a lot, he said

 

it sounds like you think of her and what she is doing way to much. forget her man, you need to start looking after no 1, and thats YOU.

[northstar1]

Im not investing any emotions in this, I'm merely taking small steps is all, I dont know where this will end up and how till will end up. But wherever it does has to be better than now.

 

Dont get me wrong she gave me what I deserved this year, and ive learned alot of female psychology and im seeing a councellor who is a relationship councellor and I arranged this meeting on her advice, I wouldnt have done it alone, and if she only sees I am a man and I have balls that is a good start.

 

Im not investing anything, ive been with 9 women this year to help me get over this, but hasnt worked.

 

Im sorry about the 5year thing, but the only hope I have is my brother, he ended a similar way, but now is married with kids with the girl after 5years apart, so that my hope .

 

Are you sure you are not investing emotions in this?

If she were to tell you tomorrow she's in a relationship and is happy in it, would that bother you? If yes, then you are investing emotions.

 

Look, I'm sure she still cares about you, and it's easy to still have some afectionate gestures with ex's, because it can be natural and comfortable............BUT, she's not telling you she wants to be in a relationship, she isn't looking to date you

 

So where does that leave you? Not in a spot you want to be in. You can't be a friend, as long as you want to be back with her.

 

BCCA is giving you good advice.

 

Best thing is for you to walk away, keep out of contact with her for a few months - no emails, calls, texts, cards etc. Walk away completely and live your life

If this girl truly does want to rekindle something, she will get in touch and tell you that directly. She won't wait for you to contact her.

 

Setttling for anything else will bring you pain. A friendship won't work - why? Because friends can tell friends about their lives, and their relationships, and I tell you brother, you don't want to have any part of that.

 

A lot of people on here have tried the "I just want to at least be their friend, and then see" approach and it never works - because you want more.........Plain and simple.

[saturnfell]

Daithi,

 

Take some time away. I know you're trying to think you don't know what you want, etc. but you do. It's ok to want the relationship back. Sometimes it just takes other people longer to get where you are. I don't know her reasoning for agreeing to see you, or the relationship you had with her. You might want to take some time for yourself. Don't think so much about the words which were exchanged. When you look at yourself what do you see? Think about who you are, know you're worth and wait. If you truly care for her, and you think that waiting is an option, wait. Time will bring her back to you if you're supposed to be together. Take a breath, and remember who you are in the meantime. Don't let days pass wondering. I believe one of the previous posts talked about relationships which break and the people find the way back to one another. That's a true statement. Think about how you would want the relationship to be, a clean slate with her. Should you be given the opportunity, it's a gift and you won't take it for granted. But like anything, you can't predict when that will happen. Patience, you need to have patience if you truly think it's meant to be and you care in a way enough to wait. Make sense?

[SierraRose]

Woman's opinion here...simply the fact she showed up says something. She is wearing a ring you gave her. The nuzzle in the "special spot" on your chest. She cares a lot, possibly still loves you; however, she is VERY cautious. She wants to let you know, yet without speaking words.

You said there were issues as to why you had broken up and have since worked on self improvement.

TELL HER HOW U FEEL, then back it up with actions. Let her KNOW she is loved. Simple stuff..cards, flowers..ROMANCE...What is the worse thing that can happen? She says no? Keep it simple, and if it doesn't work out at least you know you gave it your all.

[KissTheRain]

I totally agree with what BCCA has to say.

I am in a similar situation:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170442&page=3

BCCA if possible please comment on my story there, and try and help me out.

 

The following is simply put it right for me:

IF SHE WANTED/WANTS TO BE WITH YOU...SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU. DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE KNOWING THAT YOU HAD TO FORCE, BEG, PLEAD FOR THEM BACK? IF YOU DO THEN YOU NEED TO BE CHECKED OUT.

 

I thought about this, and no I don't want someone this way ever, I rather have them love me anyway, cause I know I am worth it. It took me a long time to say this that I am worth it, but now I am glad I realized this.

[daithi]

Woman's opinion here...simply the fact she showed up says something. She is wearing a ring you gave her. The nuzzle in the "special spot" on your chest. She cares a lot, possibly still loves you; however, she is VERY cautious. She wants to let you know, yet without speaking words.

You said there were issues as to why you had broken up and have since worked on self improvement.

TELL HER HOW U FEEL, then back it up with actions. Let her KNOW she is loved. Simple stuff..cards, flowers..ROMANCE...What is the worse thing that can happen? She says no? Keep it simple, and if it doesn't work out at least you know you gave it your all.

 

Finally a Womans opinion, thank you, this is the second time ive heard this (the first from my councellor yesterday). Yeah well this is the first time I asked her to see me face to face in eleven months, the fact of showing up is not enough to make me think anything, like BCCA said she could just have been being nice. The big things I took from it is the ring and hug, once again the 'special spot' could have just been a habit. Its hard to know, but she did put her head straight into the groove of my chest she always used to. I dont think she loves me anymore for sure, I think whatever she had left for me I drove away during the break up, but I do think she still cares, in what way I dont know. My councellor also said she was being careful, so maybe that is true, I dont know im a straight forward kind of guy, and I dont want to scare her away after only seeing me, so I wont go into romantic stuff and risk a restraining order. I have worked very hard on myself and sorting the mess that was in my head and my views on certain things and people, and my ways of dealing with certain situations.

 

Ill take baby steps for now.

[daithi]

Are you sure you are not investing emotions in this?

If she were to tell you tomorrow she's in a relationship and is happy in it, would that bother you? If yes, then you are investing emotions.

 

Look, I'm sure she still cares about you, and it's easy to still have some afectionate gestures with ex's, because it can be natural and comfortable............BUT, she's not telling you she wants to be in a relationship, she isn't looking to date you

 

So where does that leave you? Not in a spot you want to be in. You can't be a friend, as long as you want to be back with her.

 

BCCA is giving you good advice.

 

Best thing is for you to walk away, keep out of contact with her for a few months - no emails, calls, texts, cards etc. Walk away completely and live your life

If this girl truly does want to rekindle something, she will get in touch and tell you that directly. She won't wait for you to contact her.

 

Setttling for anything else will bring you pain. A friendship won't work - why? Because friends can tell friends about their lives, and their relationships, and I tell you brother, you don't want to have any part of that.

 

A lot of people on here have tried the "I just want to at least be their friend, and then see" approach and it never works - because you want more.........Plain and simple.

 

Of course it would bother , why wouldnt it. I was with the girl for 2years and I knew her for 3. So it would yeah, it would bother me the way it bothered my friend who's ex got married recently, they had been broke up for 6years, and she broke up with him.

 

I didnt say she wanted to be in a relationship and thats not my goal for now, my goal is to get back talking with her, im just taking the positives out of a very negative 11months with her.

 

I dont want to be her friend, that is clear and I made it clear from the break up, this is not my first breakup so I know all about friends.

 

There is no wait and see approach, its an active step by step approach, to see where it will all end. I dont know and in many ways thats the good thing about life.

[daithi]

I totally agree with what BCCA has to say.

I am in a similar situation:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170442&page=3

BCCA if possible please comment on my story there, and try and help me out.

 

The following is simply put it right for me:

IF SHE WANTED/WANTS TO BE WITH YOU...SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU. DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE KNOWING THAT YOU HAD TO FORCE, BEG, PLEAD FOR THEM BACK? IF YOU DO THEN YOU NEED TO BE CHECKED OUT.

 

I thought about this, and no I don't want someone this way ever, I rather have them love me anyway, cause I know I am worth it. It took me a long time to say this that I am worth it, but now I am glad I realized this.

 

There has been no begging, no pleading with her, I saw her with had a chat, not once did I talk about the relationship. There will be no forcing on my behalf, there never was and there never will be. All im doing is seeing the girl and taking it bit by bit with her.

 

There is no emotional blackmail, no dirty tricks with other women, its not the kind of guy I am.

[daithi]

As long as you didnt tell her never to call again, changed your number and got a restraining order, the lines of communication were never closed; she just chose not to use them.

 

STOP thinking for her, or adding her thoughts to this equation. You DONT know what shes thinking/feeling, and the sooner you stop trying to fill in the blanks, the better off youll be. She wanted to let it all die down and come see you, but really - she dumped you. I'm sorry to be harsh, but the part about wanting things to die down was just something nice to say. No one, NO ONE in their right mind dumps someone they see a long term future with. We're all guilty of doing what youre doing, which is filling in the blanks for someone else in a way that gives us hope. Bottom line, if she wanted to be with you, she would.

 

Look bro, again, I told my ex hundreds of times we were NEVER going to be friends, we never were friends, and I am not friends with ANY ex of mine. And we were together for 5 years, and inseperable from the first date on. She STILL tries to push the friends thing off on me, knowing everytime that when I catch on I'm going to be pissed. Stop saying she knows you cant just be friends, and then in the next sentence, you say you want to be friends and build something new. Dude, it takes two to tango - if shes not on board with trying it again, there isnt anything you can do about it. To be blunt, I havent heard her say anything to make me think she is thinking like you are. Youre just trying to kid yourself into believing that there is something you can do to get her back, when that decision is 100% based on her WANTING you back. Changing whatever you think you need to is great for yourself, but will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help you get her back. I know dude, I tried it all. And if you honestly belive that her friends would give you inside info that she didnt want you to have...Im sure one of the female posters here can clue you in on how unlikely that is. They probably told you some stuff, but trust me, thats NOT going to change anything. She lost interest in the relationship, plain and simple, and if she EVER was going to get it back, its going to come entirely from her own feelings, not anything youre going to do or say.

 

she lives 120miles away, which means I would have to stay with her in her bed, but she didnt want the relationship anymore

 

Yeah, but she broke up with you, she didnt swear off sex.

 

At the time I was so confused by her telling me that she was in Love with me, but breaking up was the best thing for her in the long term.

 

You were confused because this is nonsensical crap people say when they dump you so they dont look like a total jerk. She's doing everyone a favor, dumping you wasnt a total selfish move...thats the picture she was trying to paint.

 

Listen, as someone who has dealt with his fair share of break up/make ups...unless she comes back to you, admits she made a mistake by breaking up with you and wants to try again, you're only setting yourself up for dissapointment. It has to be her decision that she makes on her own, or you'll only be wasting your time. From what I've read here, she doesnt seem to be implying she wants to give it another shot at all.

 

Im sorry if I sound like a douche, but you just remind me of where I was before, and I want to save you the heartache, if I can.

 

I havent said the words I want to be friends not once. All I said is that I Would like to start talking to her again and see her once in a while. To me thats not being friends. The whole her wanting to see me thing, was not said directly to me from her, it came through one of her friends, from a girly night they had.

 

 

she lives 120miles away, which means I would have to stay with her in her bed, but she didnt want the relationship anymore

 

Now, you see this is where the fact I know the girl comes into play, because her opinions of Sex are based around Love, its nothing unusal ive seen it with one or two women I know. Where they will not sleep with anybody the dont love or either care deeply about. She is the same, no one night stands, will only have sex in a relationship. Her mind may have changed since the end, but as of a couple of months ago, that was her opinion on it, and thats why staying up there and the idea of being with her was kind of messed up.

 

Dude you have a stance alot of people have, its nothing unusal and your just trying to point me in the way you think is best (like I asked look at the thread heading), and I dont completely disagree with what your saying either. For the heartbreak thing, there is nothing left to break, the worst of that is over, that I know, but there is still a hole in me, and a kind of shame I carry around for hurting her. So I want to make steps to mend it all, and to mend some fences with her aswell, im not a believer of closing your eyes and bulling on into the distance, one day you will wake up at 40 with nothing, because you didnt work on what you believed in, and what you thought was right.

 

At the same time im not exactly sulking around the house or any of that, ive done alot this year, been to Boston, Amsterdam and Scotland, climbed most of the mountains in Ireland, but I know I miss and how I feel, but at the same time Im not going to ignore my life now and any oportunity that presents itself or herself to me.

[SierraRose]

Finally a Womans opinion, thank you, this is the second time ive heard this (the first from my councellor yesterday). Yeah well this is the first time I asked her to see me face to face in eleven months, the fact of showing up is not enough to make me think anything, like BCCA said she could just have been being nice. The big things I took from it is the ring and hug, once again the 'special spot' could have just been a habit. Its hard to know, but she did put her head straight into the groove of my chest she always used to. I dont think she loves me anymore for sure, I think whatever she had left for me I drove away during the break up, but I do think she still cares, in what way I dont know. My councellor also said she was being careful, so maybe that is true, I dont know im a straight forward kind of guy, and I dont want to scare her away after only seeing me, so I wont go into romantic stuff and risk a restraining order. I have worked very hard on myself and sorting the mess that was in my head and my views on certain things and people, and my ways of dealing with certain situations.

 

Ill take baby steps for now.

 

She knows what she's doing...she's testing the waters.

 

I am confused as to the RO comment...did she ever have an RO against you?

 

Also there is a difference between romantic and stalker...lol Romance is simple and from the heart. Holding a door open for her, pulling her chair out, a single rose-stuff like that is great. When your romantic efforts are overpowering and UNWANTED (numerous phone calls/texts on a daily basis, leaving unsigned notes on her car, showing up unannounced)yet you continue to do them-thats stalking...

[daithi]

She knows what she's doing...she's testing the waters.

 

I am confused as to the RO comment...did she ever have an RO against you?

 

Also there is a difference between romantic and stalker...lol Romance is simple and from the heart. Holding a door open for her, pulling her chair out, a single rose-stuff like that is great. When your romantic efforts are overpowering and UNWANTED (numerous phone calls/texts on a daily basis, leaving unsigned notes on her car, showing up unannounced)yet you continue to do them-thats stalking...

 

When people are positive I feel almost like ive left something out. She is on my IM every day and doesnt chat to me, so I guess thats a good negative to offset your positive.

 

No she never has no, never gave her a reason to do something like that. Its was just a little joke, cause I dont want to alienate her any futher really.

 

You see when we were breaking up I would email her at least once a month all down and depressed, I only learned recently how to put that under control, so I havent done that in a couple of months, so I guess it goes towards her seeing me.

 

I gave her a christmas card, well its a card with a bunch of butterflies on (her nickname is butterfly!), and I got one for her parents aswell, mainly because I never got a chance to say goodbye to them and they were always great to me.

 

Thats my dilema, right now all those things coming from me are unwanted by her, she has seen me once and kind of agreed to see me again, but romance is abit too far of a step to take for now, I think

[Oscar51]

Wow...why are you sending her parents a card? Let alone her? You're giving her the benefits of a relationship without being in one with her. How do you not see that? Has she made any effort to contact you? How did you hurt her? If you cheated on her then by all means you should try to get her back. But she dumped you for what reason?

 

You're looking for what you WANT to hear. We aren't giving you that. I've been in your boat before. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back to you, you can only do things to make her run further fromn you. So send your butterfly card, but it will only be translated in too "I can have this guy whenever I want still"

[daithi]

Wow...why are you sending her parents a card? Let alone her? You're giving her the benefits of a relationship without being in one with her. How do you not see that? Has she made any effort to contact you? How did you hurt her? If you cheated on her then by all means you should try to get her back. But she dumped you for what reason?

 

You're looking for what you WANT to hear. We aren't giving you that. I've been in your boat before. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back to you, you can only do things to make her run further fromn you. So send your butterfly card, but it will only be translated in too "I can have this guy whenever I want still"

 

Hey dude, Well last year I didnt remember about her parent, and they got me something, it was just something to do because they where always so great to me, me and her dad got on like a house on fire, so it was just something for them, it wasnt a gesture to her. Its just a card for two people I like.

 

No I didnt cheat, im not that kind of guy, I had 5 or 6 oportunites to but I didnt becaused I loved her. Emm its a long story, but to try and summarise. We lived together for long periods of the relationship. 1year living together one year long distance because of my work. So what happened was when it came time for me to change job (she was living with me at the time, during this time she asked me to marry her), I had a change to move back with her or move to a new job with more money and a more secure future for the both of us. I chose the job and she never really forgave me for it. Plus I said we both needed to back into shape (Which was true), but of course this ment I didnt love her one bit.

 

I gave her a card for christmas, I havent spoke to her in eleven months, so I havent been able to give her any attention or anything to do with a relationship. Im respect everybodys opinion, and its what I asked for, and im not hearing what I want to hear, I reply to everyone back with my opinion, good or bad. Some of you side with other people in my life, and other side with other people in my life, I guess it depends on your life experiences. Its obvious the guys will say **** her move and the girls will hold on try harder, thats just nature, and the way we are.

 

I take everything on board, dont worry, but I need to carve out a path that will be right for me.

[Oscar51]

That's my point. I think you are secretly hoping this card you send will make her want you back. That will probably not be the case.

 

Ok so she left you because you were trying to better your life and future, which in turn would better her future. Sounds a little selfish to me on her side. So she could never forgive you for that?? That sounds like complete bull**** to me. The fact that she dumped you for taking a great opportunity shows she only cares about herself. Have you looked at it that way? You did the right thing in taking that job, but how did that hurt her? A person who truly loved you would support that decision, not cower away and dump you for it.

[daithi]

That's my point. I think you are secretly hoping this card you send will make her want you back. That will probably not be the case.

 

Ok so she left you because you were trying to better your life and future, which in turn would better her future. Sounds a little selfish to me on her side. So she could never forgive you for that?? That sounds like complete bull**** to me. The fact that she dumped you for taking a great opportunity shows she only cares about herself. Have you looked at it that way? You did the right thing in taking that job, but how did that hurt her? A person who truly loved you would support that decision, not cower away and dump you for it.

 

No dude im not, its a card, its a first step, no man will ever win back a woman with a card.

 

Thats not the way she seen it, it put 120miles between us, she never got to see me, only at the weekend or maybe once every two weeks. It hurt her because she basically felt second best to my career and anything else that was going on in my life.

 

To be honest her friends didnt help, all the people who used to tell her how great I was moved away and her new friends didnt really like me. I think she just got fed up of not seeing me more than anything, it came down to her being upset most of the time and me not being there. At some point she said to herself that she had to look after herself, God knows she tried her best with me, to get me to listen but I didnt it.

 

I wouldnt call that a selfish act, what I would call a selfish would be the fact that she hasnt given me a second chance.

[saturnfell]

I'm going to give you another female perspective.

 

Male or female, people are the same. It's easy for someone to walk away when they know someone is chasing them. Don't forget who you are through all this. You're spending an awful lot if time thinking about what other people say. What to you think?

 

I am not the type to stay friends with someone I was once involved with because I don't want to know what they're doing. If you feel like you can talk to her and see a light at the end if the tunnel, you're a strong guy. I couldn't do it. Just know there's risk in it, your heart and feelings are being compromised. I truly believe if she cares for you, shell be back when she's ready. You can't stop living because you lost someone who has your heart.

 

The only person who can tell you why she saw you, is her. We can speculate and assume, but she only knows exactly.

 

Have you two been talking throughout the past 11 months?

 

It's difficult to care for someone and not have them with you. However if you're meant to be together, you'll be together.

[daithi]

I'm going to give you another female perspective.

 

Male or female, people are the same. It's easy for someone to walk away when they know someone is chasing them. Don't forget who you are through all this. You're spending an awful lot if time thinking about what other people say. What to you think?

 

I am not the type to stay friends with someone I was once involved with because I don't want to know what they're doing. If you feel like you can talk to her and see a light at the end if the tunnel, you're a strong guy. I couldn't do it. Just know there's risk in it, your heart and feelings are being compromised. I truly believe if she cares for you, shell be back when she's ready. You can't stop living because you lost someone who has your heart.

 

The only person who can tell you why she saw you, is her. We can speculate and assume, but she only knows exactly.

 

Have you two been talking throughout the past 11 months?

 

It's difficult to care for someone and not have them with you. However if you're meant to be together, you'll be together.

 

 

Yeah the reason I ask for a female perpective, is that Im a man, and I know how I feel and how I would feel, but i cant apply the same logic to her, because she is a woman, and they way she feels and the importance of her emotions are different. Like I would never break up a relationship on the basis of an emotion.

 

Not really I made alot of mistakes during the break up that have lead to a kind of stand off situation, where she would barely talk to me, thats why this was so good to see me.

 

I am a strong man, and have taken alot of stuff thrown at me, but im a big boy and i can take it.

[saturnfell]

I missed the part where you said you weren't around and she was trying to tell you to be around.

 

Speaking from experience: I was living with my boyfriend and became distant. I wasn't around like I should have been. He told me a couple times I needed to be around, but I didn't change. Now, we are no longer together and I miss him everyday. I wish I was around all the days I wasn't.

 

As for second chances, I wish I could have one, but think about how they feel. They cared for someone who want around which made them feel as though we weren't invested as they were. So, a second chance would need quite a but of mending. It's tough to say whether that opportunity will arise. I'm sorry this happened and I know how you feel.

 

I would put an article on my feelings in the paper, have a news interview cast, or stand up in front of a room full of people confessing my feelings and how genuinely sorry I am, but I don't know if it would work.

 

Matters of the heart are messy. Especially when tour heart is broken, but still beats. I would give her some time. Time To think about how she felt when she saw you.

[daithi]

I missed the part where you said you weren't around and she was trying to tell you to be around.

 

Speaking from experience: I was living with my boyfriend and became distant. I wasn't around like I should have been. He told me a couple times I needed to be around, but I didn't change. Now, we are no longer together and I miss him everyday. I wish I was around all the days I wasn't.

 

As for second chances, I wish I could have one, but think about how they feel. They cared for someone who want around which made them feel as though we weren't invested as they were. So, a second chance would need quite a but of mending. It's tough to say whether that opportunity will arise. I'm sorry this happened and I know how you feel.

 

I would put an article on my feelings in the paper, have a news interview cast, or stand up in front of a room full of people confessing my feelings and how genuinely sorry I am, but I don't know if it would work.

 

Matters of the heart are messy. Especially when tour heart is broken, but still beats. I would give her some time. Time To think about how she felt when she saw you.

 

Well yeah I was working away thinking everything would be ok, I thought I had given her a pretty big commitment. When she asked me to marry her, I thought wow she loves me that much, that great and I will marry her but no just yet. The councellor told me that she wanted to lock me down to a commitment with her, thats all she wanted, and its not what I gave her.

 

I wouldnt mind but I loved where she lives and I love living there, I dont think we can go back to what we had, that is impossible, like I said before it was broken. But I think I could take a step by step approach with her.

 

My heart been broken for a long time now, its nothing I cant cope with day to day. Yeah im not going to contact her for at least another 4weeks, give her time over Christmas and the New Year.

[Oscar51]

Some of the best advice I can give you is when you're with the "one" they won't expect you to be a mind reader. They won't play these childish games. My pastor said don't ever try to understand a woman if you're a man, and vice versa. Why? B/C he made us entirely different for a reason. I bet half of the women out there will admit that even they don't know what they want. So why the hell would you waste your time trying to figure that out for them????

[saturnfell]

Instead of thinking about how long you are going to wait to contact her again, focus on you. I can't say it enough. You're upset and heartbroken over this one person, one person who isn't paying any attention to how you're feeling at this very moment. Someone is allowing you to feel so badly right now that you're hoping steps will bring the two of you back together. Fate will bring you two back together if it's meant to be.

[daithi]

Some of the best advice I can give you is when you're with the "one" they won't expect you to be a mind reader. They won't play these childish games. My pastor said don't ever try to understand a woman if you're a man, and vice versa. Why? B/C he made us entirely different for a reason. I bet half of the women out there will admit that even they don't know what they want. So why the hell would you waste your time trying to figure that out for them????

 

My brian is broken today. Christmas party last night, so hungover, so I cant even think to put together a response.

 

Women are crazy complicated creatures, im sure they think the same , but all they need to know is.

 

Give us

 

beer, food, sex and we are happy

[daithi]

Originally Posted by SierraRose

She knows what she's doing...she's testing the waters.

 

I am confused as to the RO comment...did she ever have an RO against you?

 

Also there is a difference between romantic and stalker...lol Romance is simple and from the heart. Holding a door open for her, pulling her chair out, a single rose-stuff like that is great. When your romantic efforts are overpowering and UNWANTED (numerous phone calls/texts on a daily basis, leaving unsigned notes on her car, showing up unannounced)yet you continue to do them-thats stalking...

 

When people are positive I feel almost like ive left something out. She is on my IM every day and doesnt chat to me, so I guess thats a good negative to offset your positive.

 

No she never has no, never gave her a reason to do something like that. Its was just a little joke, cause I dont want to alienate her any futher really.

 

You see when we were breaking up I would email her at least once a month all down and depressed, I only learned recently how to put that under control, so I havent done that in a couple of months, so I guess it goes towards her seeing me.

 

I gave her a christmas card, well its a card with a bunch of butterflies on (her nickname is butterfly!), and I got one for her parents aswell, mainly because I never got a chance to say goodbye to them and they were always great to me.

 

Thats my dilema, right now all those things coming from me are unwanted by her, she has seen me once and kind of agreed to see me again, but romance is abit too far of a step to take for now, I think

[californiadreaming]

I have read every post here. Let me start off by saying I think everyone had a good point of view. But that is just it, it is a point of view.

 

I have had these same issues, and as my man DMONEY says you have to take all of these postings with a grain of salt. Not everyone has the same experience, If that was the case there would be a step for step pattern to how to lose your bf/gf, how to get your ex back, and actually have it work.

There would be no broken hearts, or lonely nights, no if, ands, maybes, whens..

 

The fact of the matter is that we all have different experiences, PERIOD. So although the next man / woman's ex didn't come back doesn't mean that yours isn't. You know your relationship, and you know what kind of relationship you had with your partner.

 

I do not know much about any of this because it is my first time dealing with the pain, and a break up / space after 5 years, but what I have learned is that tracing the issue at hand is going to lead to one person to point the finger at if your the dumpee, YOU!

 

So in this short time I have learned to better myself, learn & understand why it got to this point, and most importantly, give her the space she requested. - Now, don't think the space thing came easy, you can read my past posting over the past 2 weeks and I have been on a roller coaster, but today, I am better, I am feeling alot better. I know that I cannot contact her in any way or form. How is she going to miss you if you e-mail her every month? or contact her anyway? If you have been with someone in a LTR - say 2 years plus, It is not easy to let that go.

 

In your situation I think your lucky to have even had a chance to see her. That alone whether she says it or not, to me say's that she is okay with you in some form or fashion. She has let some form of guard down. Like your counseler said, she is I am sure cautious. If she dumped you because you couldn't be there, she probably has an issue with distance between her and her lover, and is probably still affraid of you abandoning her again. I think it is obviously going to take time, but I think that you should not pursue what you feel is right. The main thing is KNOW in the back of your head and in YOUR HEART that she might not come back, but if you do everything you can, and display what changes you have made, in the end, she will know, and you can't lose with that.

 

Give her time, no contact right now, let her dwell in your meeting, and that thing with the bartender was probably you being paranoid, and overly cautious.

 

Good luck man, I am praying that I have the opporutnity to have the chance to even speak with my ex. Like you said that is the first step. Kepp praying, and read these books:

 

1. The 5 Languages Of Apology

By. Gary Chapman

 

2. Heal Your Heartbreak

By. Chuck Spezzano, Ph.D.

 

Good luck bro

[daithi]

I have read every post here. Let me start off by saying I think everyone had a good point of view. But that is just it, it is a point of view.

 

I have had these same issues, and as my man DMONEY says you have to take all of these postings with a grain of salt. Not everyone has the same experience, If that was the case there would be a step for step pattern to how to lose your bf/gf, how to get your ex back, and actually have it work.

There would be no broken hearts, or lonely nights, no if, ands, maybes, whens..

 

The fact of the matter is that we all have different experiences, PERIOD. So although the next man / woman's ex didn't come back doesn't mean that yours isn't. You know your relationship, and you know what kind of relationship you had with your partner.

 

I do not know much about any of this because it is my first time dealing with the pain, and a break up / space after 5 years, but what I have learned is that tracing the issue at hand is going to lead to one person to point the finger at if your the dumpee, YOU!

 

So in this short time I have learned to better myself, learn & understand why it got to this point, and most importantly, give her the space she requested. - Now, don't think the space thing came easy, you can read my past posting over the past 2 weeks and I have been on a roller coaster, but today, I am better, I am feeling alot better. I know that I cannot contact her in any way or form. How is she going to miss you if you e-mail her every month? or contact her anyway? If you have been with someone in a LTR - say 2 years plus, It is not easy to let that go.

 

In your situation I think your lucky to have even had a chance to see her. That alone whether she says it or not, to me say's that she is okay with you in some form or fashion. She has let some form of guard down. Like your counseler said, she is I am sure cautious. If she dumped you because you couldn't be there, she probably has an issue with distance between her and her lover, and is probably still affraid of you abandoning her again. I think it is obviously going to take time, but I think that you should not pursue what you feel is right. The main thing is KNOW in the back of your head and in YOUR HEART that she might not come back, but if you do everything you can, and display what changes you have made, in the end, she will know, and you can't lose with that.

 

Give her time, no contact right now, let her dwell in your meeting, and that thing with the bartender was probably you being paranoid, and overly cautious.

 

Good luck man, I am praying that I have the opporutnity to have the chance to even speak with my ex. Like you said that is the first step. Kepp praying, and read these books:

 

1. The 5 Languages Of Apology

By. Gary Chapman

 

2. Heal Your Heartbreak

By. Chuck Spezzano, Ph.D.

 

Good luck bro

 

Hey Man, Thanks for the balanced argument, it's always good to read.

 

I know that mostly people post there own life experiences and how they moved on and all that, so I dont really take too much from this except a little bit of advice from a few people, which is always good. I dont have that to fall back on with my family, as they dont really have any advice to give me, there old fashioned Irish people, who let feelings build up, until they have to vent in some fashion.

 

Its also why I value a Womans advice more, because they can tell me what its like to be on her side of the fench. I have got alot of she is just being strong and safe, and has her big womans pants on and all that. While the guys have been **** her be a man and move on. I think im trying to find some middle ground between them all.

 

Yeah dude, like I said I ****ed up in the break up, I chased her way too much and didnt give her time and space. When I actually said those words to her breaking up, she was all like 'Really' in the girly way. But I didnt do it, I just kind of fell apart and chased her. To me time and space ment I want to be with another man and now your not here im going to do it. I dont know if this has happened but I presume it has, since I was her first.

 

I dont think she would have the issue with distance again, I think it would be more the issue am I going to bring up weight again, if she starts putting on weight again, I think that would be a bigger problem. (just to clarify on weight, its not that I did not fancy her anymore, it was that she has a 80% chance of developing type 2 diabetis , if she drops into the danger zone for weight again, she was heading that way at a fast pace, even her dad said something to her, but you know she cant break up with her dad).

 

Oh I know the chances of her coming back are terrible, I dont kid myself at all about any of this, I used to, but I dont anymore, it took 5years for my brothers finace to rekindle what they had. Well until she had grown up completly.

 

The councellor did say that, she is careful and she wont want to be hurt again, and that anything would have to be something new, it is good that she saw me, but I never really thought that it would be any other way than for her to come and see me. Like she said next time I see be more confident. I have no plans to see her or contact her to the new year, maybe a merry xmas message, but thats it.

 

Its my birthday tomorrow, so in the vain hope of getting a happy birthday message would be nice, but I dont see it happening to be honest, and I wont let it ruin my day either, but it would be nice, i know she will remember the day no doubt, she might just not care all that much about it.