...My bf's not over her...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Hey everyone. Well, I utilize this place to vent a little bit and to share my inner thoughts. Last night, I stayed at my love's. I walked into his apartment and was overwhelmed with sentimental feelings because he had went out and bought Christmas lights and this adorable mini red tree. We decorated it together and put the stand up. It melted my heart. He looked so charming in the holiday light. We listened to a CD of Christmas songs with handbells. I bought him a telescope a couple of weeks ago. It is huge. It came in the mail yesterday. I knew he would love it. I pictured us looking at the stars together.

 

But, later that night, we were lying in bed, and it was shortly after we had sex. It felt so romantic to be with him in the holiday lighting. I just had so many positive feelings in those moments when we were together. I laid my head on his shoulder and he kissed me. We talked a little bit and he then said, "It's so ridiculous that in my last relationship, she said that I needed to go and get myself a little wifey since she claimed that's what I wanted. But she was a slut, anyway, so it doesn't matter." It broke my heart to hear these words. Another mention of the ex.

 

That night, I was pretty quiet and did not feel like talking about it. I wanted to go to sleep. After the lights were turned out, he quickly fell asleep but I stayed awake until 4 AM and put all of the obvious pieces together...It is obvious he is not over her. I remembered every single thing that he has said about her, everyday. I was sleeping nearby the list on the wall that he still has up that she gave to him while they were together. The list that says all of the things she loves about him. I was laying beside a face down picture of the two of them together, one he said he should get rid of awhile ago. I remembered when we went on a getaway and I told him that I wanted him to know how much I loved him and that everybody really cared about him in his life. His response? "[Ex's name] doesn't". I remembered when he told me he found naked pics of his ex and that she looked ridiculous in them. I asked him why he was looking at them and he said he accidentally found them. He told me I could look at them if I wanted to. What the ****? And about how he could hack into her e-mail if he wanted to but since he doesn't "give a ****" he won't. And about how she was obsessed with Jane Austen novels and loved the TV series Pride and Prejudice and got upset with him when he fell asleep during it. And about how there were "some good things about her" but more bad that it overshadowed all the good. And the name of the guy she cheated on him with for a whole year. And his major. And her major. And the instrument that she plays. And the haircut she has now. And the haircut she used to have. I just remembered everything.

 

And I realized that I can't do this anymore. I can love him but I can choose to not deal with this situation. She is returning back to the States in February. She was out of country studying for the months we have been together but will arrive back soon. If I can't handle this now, how can I then? We will all be in the same town and they will run into each other a lot since they have the same major. I will hear about this non-stop.

 

I need to find somebody that truly loves me. And I loved him so much. I had admired him for 2 years before speaking with him. I knew him from afar and had seen him playing music on and off and was enamored by how well he played. He is truly a genius in that aspect. I would love to be able to share the Christmas season with him and to look up at the sky with the telescope and find constellations with him. We both love the night sky. We sat on his roof once and star gazed as he held me. This was a couple of weeks after we met. It was so romantic and it makes me want to cry now. I want to be with him but it is blatant that, although he says he loves me and claims he wants to be with me, there is a shadow on our relationship that he won't let leave. It is unfair to me.

 

Though I think the world of him, and think that aside from the ex situation, he treats me well, it doesn't matter. Because when it comes down to it, if someone doesn't love you fully, they shouldn't be allowed to love you at all.

And so I will have to tell him this tonight, should I get the courage.

[Geishawhelk]

Strike up the band, get the ticker-tape ready and set off the fireworks.....

BacktoBlack has come to her senses!!!!

 

I knew you had it in you honey.

You just really needed to see it for yourself, and get 'slapped up' by it.....

 

(((Hugs.)))

Do the deed, do what you have to do, and ditch the guy.

He's obviously not all yours anyway.....

[Geishawhelk]

PS:

 

Keep the telescope.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks but I would not give congrats yet as I know I have a weak heart. I may write my feelings out in a letter as I am not very good at speaking them. What do you think of that? In this letter, I think I will say that I have been very upset with all of the references to his ex in our relationship and I feel as if she is still present. I will say how awful I feel that the list is still on the wall and that the picture is still there and that I feel hurt. I feel as if all of the commentary about his ex has seriously diminished our relationship.

 

I also want to say that I do not feel that he knows me very well. There is a lot to my personality and a lot to life that I wanted to share with him, but I feel a wall there because I know that his heart is not completely open. At the beginning of our relationship, I felt that I had more to give but now I do not feel that way.

[Geishawhelk]

No, no, no, no.......

 

 

 

and.....

 

Oh yes.

 

 

No.

 

If you're not good with words, he'll chew you up. Even in a letter.

 

So if you must write, I'd simply say to him:

 

"You aren't over your ex.

Her photo is still there.

The list is still on the wall.

It's all too disrespectful for me to be happy with you.

I'm through beding over backwards trying to make you happy, and all you do is expect it to be so.

So we're done.

Enjoy your life.

I'm going to enjoy mine."

 

Then pick up your life, and leave.

 

Go No Contact - of course.

Everyone will tell you that, and everyone is right, so please, do it.

[Lucky555]

I can admit i was totally hung up on a guy just like you were. part of me misses him. Now im on the search for a guy WHO ONLY LOVES ME and WANTS ONLY ME and TALKS ABOUT ONLY ME.

(the last one is far fetched but u get it)

 

I actually was curious and looked at his facebook there were comments from his ex.and his replies.

 

It took me months to get to this stage of moving on I really cared about him. He didn't care enough for me i guess.

 

I hope my story helps u its so wonderful finding someone u think is right but now i'm out in the world looking for the one who will ONLY LOVE ME. <3 HUG for you, please don't put yourself through any more pain.

[kizik]

Back to Black:

 

you do not need a man in order to know how special you are.

 

You need to be alone.

 

You need to re-discover yourself.

 

You need to get angry at this guy. No letters. No whispers. "I DON'T LIKE YOU TALKING ABOUT HER. STOP IT OR IT'S OVER."

 

You are still allowing yourself to be a victim. TAKE CHARGE.

 

You don't need to end it with him necessarily. It sounds like the two of you have a lot of fun together. But back off. See him twice, three times a week.

 

I don't know. Don't listen to me if you don't want to. In a way, these boards are such BS; as if I can tell you what to do, as if I have a f*cking clue what your life is like.

 

But I can tell you that you are like millions of women out there who feel they need someone. And you know what? Women will get men. Anytime, anywhere. Guys have heard the word NO a trillion times; we just have to get used to being single, I guess.

 

Use your power for good. You're in charge. Stop wasting your time with these losers.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

K, well I had a talk with my boyfriend after posting this about his EX and he saw my point of view and said he wouldn't talk about her anymore and that he really loves me. I believe that he does. But there is this lady that works with him who is 20 years older than him. We are both in our late 20's. She continually ss him IM's about how she wants him and wants to **** him, etc. She sent him this message earlier:Enter text here.

 

noooooo....I had IM YOU and you didn't answer, so I got up and looked in your office to see if YOU were there; and you were, so when I came back to my desk I had that flirty look all over my face and the kid at the circulation desk thought I was flirting with him...then he needed help, and that's when I made a fool of myself because I couldn't concentrate to find his stupid book...

 

good luck on your finals. I hope you can concentrate between thoughts of your lover.

 

I am really bothered by this. WTF??? He knows that I am and feels badly about it.

[Geishawhelk]

This is harassment.

he should report her to HR, his manager, or at least get her given a verbal warning.

 

I take it he finds this unwanted attention?

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, hang on here. You talked to your b/f about his ex and getting over it? If a guy's still hung up on his ex, not talking about won't make a difference. He's got to get over it and a couple of days isn't going to do it. It's like shadow boxing but you can't see the shadow.

 

As for this woman at work, why hasn't he shut her down yet? This isn't your job to police him. It's his job to know what's appropriate in a relationship.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Yes but they used to talk all the time.

[Trialbyfire]

Who, the woman at work? That's like saying, he used to do a woman all the time, so while he's in a relationship with you, it's okay if he continues doing her.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, I just mean that they used to be friends. But now she is just going overboard. I want to send a message to her.

[Trialbyfire]

Stop it b2b. This isn't your responsibility. You're not his warden or his mother. If something is bothering you, then express it. If he doesn't want to comply, this is something you can control. Stay or go.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Yes, I am not going to say anything to her.