The woman I thought I'd eventually marry called today...

[kizik]

Maybe the person wants to be in the relationship. Maybe he/she loves the other. Maybe it's not manipulation. Just confusion. Deep pain. A loss of what to do.

 

We've all been there. It's not necessarily selfish. It is love. A feeling that your world is ending. Loss.

[OpenBook]

When you fall deeply, madly and completely in love with someone, to the point where you want to spend the rest of your life with them - and then they rip your guts out... it kinda tends to leave a lasting impression on your soul, no matter what you do afterwards.

 

It takes an enormous amount of intestinal fortitude to scrape your @ss off the floor, get back up, and start walking again after such a devastating blow. Yes it IS about power - your own personal power. Taking it back is so incredibly hard to do, but it's absolutely necessary if you're going to survive and (eventually) thrive in this life.

 

And then having the strength to turn that same person down when they have the NERVE to come back for Round 2... well, that's an opportunity that happens all too rarely! I think the OP was really nice about it - a lot nicer than I would have been. And he has every right to gloat a little... I'd be crowing from the rooftops!!

 

A person who hurt you to the core of your being, coming back and telling you they were WRONG and they realize what a good thing they had with you - PRICELESS.

 

So I applaud the OP, and thank him for sharing a valuable experience. I'm glad this thread is pinned. You go, my man!! :bunny:

[dns502475]

Maybe the person wants to be in the relationship. Maybe he/she loves the other. Maybe it's not manipulation. Just confusion. Deep pain. A loss of what to do.

 

We've all been there. It's not necessarily selfish. It is love. A feeling that your world is ending. Loss.

 

I'm not talking about that stage where there's a lot of confusion and someone just needs some time to sort out their feelings. I'm talking about that stage after the person who ends the relationship has made their decision.

 

And, while I definitely understand the feeling, and that deep deep deep searing pain of loss that motivates the action, it isn't love at all.

 

Love doesn't seek it's own way. It's patient, and not jealous or envious. Neither is it quick to anger, or a holder of grudges.

 

True love wants what the other person wants for himself or herself, even if what they want no longer involves the person engaging in that love.

 

The form of love you're describing here, Kizik is "Eros". And yes, it hurts like a bitch.

[dns502475]

Just an FYI...I didn't "pin" this thread. I don't even know what "pinning" a thread is?

[Storyrider]

I disagree with those who are saying one eventually grows indifferent. I don't believe once you've truly loved someone you can be indifferent to them. Some strong emotion will always remain, whether negative or positive.

 

The OP didn't let his emotions get the best of him, which is to his credit, and it sounds like he handled it in a way that was healthy for him, which is the main thing that matters.

[Trialbyfire]

dns, I'm going to take another run at you. The impression I get is that you harbour a lot of bitterness within you against women, due to an experience that somehow tarnished your view on women within your other thread. The automatic reflex for people in general, is to self-protect so you'll never be hurt again as badly.

 

While I understand self-protection, is it worthwhile to never open yourself up again for hurt by taking an attitude that women are disposable objects? This thread isn't so much about moving on, more like an encapsulation of a revenge fantasy come true. You hurt me badly in the past, so now I've smacked you down.

 

That's not healthy but it is understandable and something I and many others can relate to.

 

What I have difficulties relating to, is the askmen.com mentality of dysfunctional relationships.

[ninjaturtles]

Great thread dns!!! Most people on here would be thrilled if their exes asked for a second chance. We are all human...don't deny it people!lol. Thanks dns!!! Made me feel much better

[dns502475]

dns, I have strong opinions and so do you. Let's keep this non-personal. You've thrown your thoughts out onto a post and I've replied to it in the way that makes sense to me.

 

Trialbyfire...I don't play these silly little games...ESPECIALLY on the internet. This whole passive-aggressive act going on is tired. So you feel free to have any opinion you want of me and my posts. Feel free to get as "personal" with me as you like. I could give a damn less. Really.

 

I want to make something clear...

 

I'm not here to win some stupid "whose post was more clever" fight with you, or anyone else here. Neither am I here in some ridiculous attempt to use an internet forum to boost my ego, debate the proper taxonomy of "jerks" or to come across in ANY particular kind of way for that matter.

 

I've spent the last 6 years working with hundreds of people through these situations that many of them refer to as the most painful & devastating periods in their lives. Some here have been dealing with it for a couple of days. Some people here have been dealing with the same pain for years and have not been able to move beyond it. But this is not a game to them.

 

There are people on this board, who are can't sleep at all, or they sleep all day. They are depressed, panicked, eyes swollen and red from crying all night. Some of them are not eating. Some of them are drinking and drugging their way to unconsciousness every day. Some of them are failing out of school, or on the cusp of losing their jobs.

 

There are people here have lost their first love, and there are people here who have just experienced the shock of their spouse of 20+ years walking out the door, leaving their children and families shattered.

 

There are people here whose self-esteem has been ripped to shreds and the willpower to do anything is completely gone. There are women here who are in relationships where they have been abused physically and emotionally. There are people here right now who are suicidal or near-suicidal over their breakups. There are people here who HAVE already attempted suicide.

 

And I'm FAR from being either so naive or so arrogant as to think that I can actually solve their problems with a post on the internet. But even if it just helps two or three people from going too far into their own personal abyss, then it was all worth it to me. Because I know what this, when it's at its worst, can do to a person.

 

You say "keep it non-personal". Don't worry....I didn't come here for me in the first place. If you actually looked around, you would see that there are A LOT of people hurting here and this is NOT a game to them. I don't treat it as one.

 

So, I don't mind you disliking or not agreeing with anything I have to say. Rip my little posts to shreds if you like. But do me a favor, and give me more credit than to think that this is about "jerks" and "ego trips" on exes for me.

 

It's just a tiny bit more important to me than that.

[Angel1111]

If you sincerely move on, then who cares if that possibility presents itself when you get a call 2 years later?

 

My thoughts exactly - what does it matter if they call or not if you've moved on? Where's the fun in that?

[dns502475]

dns, I'm going to take another run at you. The impression I get is that you harbour a lot of bitterness within you against women, due to an experience that somehow tarnished your view on women within your other thread. The automatic reflex for people in general, is to self-protect so you'll never be hurt again as badly.

 

While I understand self-protection, is it worthwhile to never open yourself up again for hurt by taking an attitude that women are disposable objects? This thread isn't so much about moving on, more like an encapsulation of a revenge fantasy come true. You hurt me badly in the past, so now I've smacked you down.

 

That's not healthy but it is understandable and something I and many others can relate to.

 

What I have difficulties relating to, is the askmen.com mentality of dysfunctional relationships.

 

Please...get off the misogynistic feminist kick. Given the body of posts I've written thus far...it's absolutely ridiculous.

[Trialbyfire]

dns, there's no game being played here. You're being paranoid and incredibly defensive. If I were to play a game with you, it wouldn't be this way. I would play cat and mouse with you, until you lost it.

 

I'm providing you insights, insights that you might or might not agree with. That's your choice. But...believe me when I say I understand anger, revenge and self-protection. I smell it all over you. You're still fragile on the inside. It's time to deal with it, get it out in the open, instead of allowing it to fester inside.

[dns502475]

dns, there's no game being played here. You're being paranoid and incredibly defensive. If I were to play a game with you, it wouldn't be this way. I would play cat and mouse with you, until you lost it.

 

I'm providing you insights, insights that you might or might not agree with. That's your choice. But...believe me when I say I understand anger, revenge and self-protection. I smell it all over you. You're still fragile on the inside. It's time to deal with it, get it out in the open, instead of allowing it to fester inside.

 

How long have you been married?

[Trialbyfire]

How long have you been married?

That's moot to this thread topic. How long have you been married?

[norajane]

Please...get off the misogynistic feminist kick. Given the body of posts I've written thus far...it's absolutely ridiculous.

 

You've been here a total of 5 days and started 6 threads, all of them giving break-up advice, including your thread about your "Program" for getting over an ex. Not advice, actually, more like telling your view on how people (men, mostly) should behave in relationships. You've only replied to a few people who have actually ASKED for advice.

 

Why such a sudden and all-encompassing interest in Loveshack? Given the tone of your "body of posts" which sounds very much like all those how-to articles you read on askmen or DocLove or those ebooks that scam the heartbroken and desperate out of money, it sounds more to me like you are using LS for ulterior motives. Are you testing your theories and "Programs" for an article you are writing, or an e-book you want to write and sell? ARe you here for self-promotion?

 

Something just doesn't ring true, since you clearly didn't come here to get any advice, just to tell people how you see things.

 

I thought that it was interesting that she would reach out to me just a few days after I started taking part on this site.

 

Yes, interestingly coincidental. Which is why I really don't buy that it happened.

[WiseOne1]

Lol this thread is crazy, although I don't think its a type of validation.

I had a ex come back 3 years ago and It was the best ego boost of all time, and I was 100% over her, a couple of people have stated that if your fully over someone then you wont get a ego boost and it wouldn’t matter enough to get one..........that’s kinda untrue.

 

People say that the only reasons a lot of ex's want to be friends or the ex calls you is just to get a boost, also those same people say that the ex is over you, so a person can get a ego boost 'over someone that there over!

 

Although DNS is saying its not about the ego boost, he's say he came here to give people his experience and story of how its good to get your mind clear so you can give a clear answer to your ex.

[Cub]

I'm confused.

 

Why are you two picking with dns? Even if he does have some ulterior motive or a desire to stroke his own ego, does that make his advice any less comforting and, as a result, any less valid? If you don't agree with what he's saying, then stay out of his topics. You've helped no one by starting this little scrap (and yes, you DID start it), and I'm a little dissapointed. The both of you have helped me in the past, either by responding directly to my posts or by my reading something you've written for someone else, so this pettyness and immaturity is discouraging.

 

Perhaps you two are bitter toward this Doc Love strain of advice - I don't know and I really don't care. Just give it a rest.

[pushforward]

Look, will everybody stop with the debating. DNS is just posting what happened to him. Everything in his life is perspective. You cannot justify any means to say what he is feeling or not. He handled the conversation from what we know. Maturely, you need to stop with this silliness.

 

He has posted many topics which helped me. Keep in mind that he is not a professional, he's just an average Joe offering advice and sharing his story. It is up to you on how you take this information.

 

When DNS told her that she placed him in a placed him a position where he had to let go or move on. He did what was best for him and moved on. He also indicated he still cared, but did not show any resentment in his post. He told her politely that he does not have feelings for her like that anymore. He has a right to tell her anything and everything. It's within his right to speak his mind and let her know that her actions have repurcussions.

 

Keep in mind that life is a learning experience. Not everybody will share or have the same life. Please keep the personal insults or jabs to yourselves. Be civil about this.

 

DNS I applaud you for keeping your cool and showing how a mature person would behave. You did not have to take her call. You did not have to tell her how you feel. You did not have to do anything. But, you were mature. I'm sure that conversation gave her closure.

 

I, as a dumpee feel much better reading your post. When the love of your life walks away like you didn't mean anything... Is devastating. You picked yourself up and moved on. It gives me hope.

 

Thanks for your post.

[Trialbyfire]

Lol this thread is crazy, although I don't think its a type of validation.

I had a ex come back 3 years ago and It was the best ego boost of all time, and I was 100% over her, a couple of people have stated that if your fully over someone then you wont get a ego boost and it wouldn’t matter enough to get one..........that’s kinda untrue.

WiseOne, I've had most of my exes come back and in most cases, it wasn't an ego boost. Some were worth keeping as friends, others not.

 

For the last two years since D-day (discovery day of the affair), I've lived the life of my ex-H, continually wanting back. Sure it's an ego boost from a revenge perspective but I've grown to realize that this only feeds a negative part of you, a part that shouldn't be fed.

 

Focus should be on moving on. Forget the pettiness. Just live your life well and move forward.

[Angel1111]

Lol this thread is crazy, although I don't think its a type of validation.

I had a ex come back 3 years ago and It was the best ego boost of all time, and I was 100% over her, a couple of people have stated that if your fully over someone then you wont get a ego boost and it wouldn’t matter enough to get one..........that’s kinda untrue.

 

People say that the only reasons a lot of ex's want to be friends or the ex calls you is just to get a boost, also those same people say that the ex is over you, so a person can get a ego boost 'over someone that there over!

 

Although DNS is saying its not about the ego boost, he's say he came here to give people his experience and story of how its good to get your mind clear so you can give a clear answer to your ex.

 

Yeah, this thread has gotten pretty nuts. I think everyone needs to go to their corners for awhile.

 

Well, the ego boost just isn't that big of a thrill to me so I have trouble relating to that. If I were really over that person, I would feel a little bummed out for having to turn them down like that. It would bug the crap out of me, really.

 

I think the most positive thing that I took away from this story is that no one really knows what the other person is thinking or feeling, and you never know what can happen.

[dns502475]

It's about me being a man and my ex in this circumstance being a woman. No more, no less.

 

There's a thread here on this forum titled:

 

"Powerful realizations about the kind of boyfriend I was..."

 

Basically, this guy admits to having engaged in a number of bad habits and behaviors in his relationship. The following post is from

 

Trialbyfire...

WOW!!!!!!!

 

That's one brave post justletgo. You have my respect for that. The only road to change is to admit the problems to yourself first. Even if it takes you 10 years to make change, once you're able to be self-aware, you can catch yourself even after you've started down the path.

 

Also, don't forget to mesh her behaviours into yours, so you can figure out what your triggers are. Armed with this information, it's possible you won't repeat the same partner selection, thus avoiding the pattern(s) of behaviour.

 

 

I mean this says it all.

[WiseOne1]

I don't believe in revenge though.

 

I guess I can be easy to fall into a ego frenzie sometimes being the Richest guy that Atlanta or Orlando has ever seen, lol see thats the ego thing, but its true though, anywaysss......

 

 

But however I wouldn't feel bummed at all for turning down a ex.

[Trialbyfire]

Huh? dns, now I'm really confused. The area that you bolded in my post from another thread means, that justletgo needs to look to how her bad behaviours, triggered his bad behaviours, thus avoid a woman who does this.

 

What are you reading into my post? That's just bizarre.

[dns502475]

Then you need to look up the meaning of the word "mesh".

 

And the only bizarre thing was your response to this guy.

[WiseOne1]

Well DNS are you and your ex gonna stay friends?

[Trialbyfire]

Read what you didn't bold after the sentence. It should clarify the meaning of mesh for you.

 

Are you really here to help people get to a healthy part of their lives, or just want to push your agenda of walling off the softer emotions in relationships?

 

Men have that side as well. Don't limit yourself or anyone else. It's the side that makes or breaks a strong relationship.

 

There are five stages of grief. People go through this after breakup. Anger is a useful emotion but it has to stop somewhere. It can't be buried deep and allowed to fester into irrational hatred.