Friends with benefits?

[Jessica]

I have a question about your take on friends with benefits. My situation is similar but it has a twist. I have feelings for a friend of mine who is interested in me and finds me attractive and fun, but may or may not want to pursue a relationship. He did suggest, however, the idea of us hooking up (not sex though) for the sake of practice and experimentation, and no strings attached. Normally, I would assume that this is always a bad idea, because I'm setting myself up to get hurt. But he's a good guy who was hurt incredibly badly last year and is reluctant to trust or make a commitment. I also am not looking for a serious relationship because I am also scared and I don't know if i'm ready to jump in quickly. When I told him how I felt about him he said, "If that's the case it probably wouldn't work" but somewhere along the way we decided that we might give it a shot, so I don't know what to think. I would like to know that there are potential feelings on the other end to prevent feeling used and hurt. Do you think it's possible to become close with someone and build trust in this way? I know it's not the ideal way to start a relationship, but would you strongly suggest declining? He's an insecure guy which makes me think that he might be interested in me as a girlfriend but at the same time be scared, and this is his way of trying to win me over without any risk. Well, at least I'd like to think that that's the case. Do you think it would hurt to have another deep conversation with him again before making a decision, and how could I ask him about his feelings toward me without scaring him away? Anyway, I know this is a lot to ask, but I just wanted to know how you might analyze this situation. I'm looking for it to turn into something more and I don't know how to head it in that direction! Thanks for all your help!

[Jesaco]

I have a question about your take on friends with benefits. My situation is similar but it has a twist. I have feelings for a friend of mine who is interested in me and finds me attractive and fun, but may or may not want to pursue a relationship. He did suggest, however, the idea of us hooking up (not sex though) for the sake of practice and experimentation, and no strings attached. Normally, I would assume that this is always a bad idea, because I'm setting myself up to get hurt. But he's a good guy who was hurt incredibly badly last year and is reluctant to trust or make a commitment. I also am not looking for a serious relationship because I am also scared and I don't know if i'm ready to jump in quickly. When I told him how I felt about him he said, "If that's the case it probably wouldn't work" but somewhere along the way we decided that we might give it a shot, so I don't know what to think. I would like to know that there are potential feelings on the other end to prevent feeling used and hurt. Do you think it's possible to become close with someone and build trust in this way? I know it's not the ideal way to start a relationship, but would you strongly suggest declining? He's an insecure guy which makes me think that he might be interested in me as a girlfriend but at the same time be scared, and this is his way of trying to win me over without any risk. Well, at least I'd like to think that that's the case. Do you think it would hurt to have another deep conversation with him again before making a decision, and how could I ask him about his feelings toward me without scaring him away? Anyway, I know this is a lot to ask, but I just wanted to know how you might analyze this situation. I'm looking for it to turn into something more and I don't know how to head it in that direction! Thanks for all your help!

Hi!

 

It won't really work to "hook up" with someone for the purpose of practicing to trust. We trust people base on how we feel about them, and each one is individual. If you like to be with this person, and have fun with him, then it's perfectly fine to go out with him. But don't date him exclusively. The whole purpose of dating is to gou out with people you are interested in getting to know, and have fun with them. Enjoy their company. You can aquire many friends along the way, and when you fall in love, you won't have to even think about whether or not you want to be with them.

[Nicky]

I have a question about your take on friends with benefits. My situation is similar but it has a twist. I have feelings for a friend of mine who is interested in me and finds me attractive and fun, but may or may not want to pursue a relationship. He did suggest, however, the idea of us hooking up (not sex though) for the sake of practice and experimentation, and no strings attached. Normally, I would assume that this is always a bad idea, because I'm setting myself up to get hurt. But he's a good guy who was hurt incredibly badly last year and is reluctant to trust or make a commitment. I also am not looking for a serious relationship because I am also scared and I don't know if i'm ready to jump in quickly. When I told him how I felt about him he said, "If that's the case it probably wouldn't work" but somewhere along the way we decided that we might give it a shot, so I don't know what to think. I would like to know that there are potential feelings on the other end to prevent feeling used and hurt. Do you think it's possible to become close with someone and build trust in this way? I know it's not the ideal way to start a relationship, but would you strongly suggest declining? He's an insecure guy which makes me think that he might be interested in me as a girlfriend but at the same time be scared, and this is his way of trying to win me over without any risk. Well, at least I'd like to think that that's the case. Do you think it would hurt to have another deep conversation with him again before making a decision, and how could I ask him about his feelings toward me without scaring him away? Anyway, I know this is a lot to ask, but I just wanted to know how you might analyze this situation. I'm looking for it to turn into something more and I don't know how to head it in that direction! Thanks for all your help!

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to barf. You know deep down this isn't right for you, or you wouldn't be asking the question- you'd just do it.

 

Hooking up for the sake of practice and experimentation??? And if not sex, then what would it be? Just kissing? Well, that won't take long before you'd get bored. But by then he'll have broken down any barriers, and sex will be next on the agenda.

 

Are you tested on sexual ability at school or something? Why is there a need to practice??? So he's a better lover for some future woman? What's he think prostitutes are for? Still why should he bother, if there's a chance YOU'll do it for free!!!

 

You make it sound such a cold act. It's lovemaking! It's warmth and affection between two people that care for each other. If he has romantic feelings for you, is this the way to go about things? Why can't you just take one step at a time starting off with dating? You are just plunging in at the deep end- THE most intimate act. What happens if it goes wrong then? You will probably make any chances of friendship impossible. And he's shy you say. So, he can't ask you out, but he can ask you to practice & experiment with him. I don't think he's shy, just confused.

 

Men can sleep with women, and not become emotionally involved. It is simply sex. Women have a harder time doing this, and for many the minute they start sleeping with somebody they begin to get emotionally involved.

 

I think there is a HIGH chance that you would become involved, and he may not, and meanwhile he's still using you for practice, until one day he meets a girl he REALLY likes. Under this super-casual agreement, you're not his GF, so you'd have no right to grumble. And if you've never slept with a guy before, this is most definitely not the way to go about things. You will feel so used and dirty. If you've never been there before, trust me- AVOID IT. It's a horrible feeling.

 

Also if he has any morals, then by you sleeping with him for such shallow reasons, will mean he will lose respect for you. Guaranteed!!

 

Oh, and he's not ready for trust or commitment? Well, is putting the cart before the horse going to fix that? I doubt it. It will come naturally. And why is it your responsibility to "fix" him? I have plenty of nice guy friends like that. If you're feeling so charitable, maybe you'd like their numbers too?????

 

Trust me, if it's not working now, doing something so intimate, would only be MORE inappropriate, and I suspect at the end of the day , you wouldn't even be friends.

[Nicky]

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to barf. You know deep down this isn't right for you, or you wouldn't be asking the question- you'd just do it. Hooking up for the sake of practice and experimentation??? And if not sex, then what would it be? Just kissing? Well, that won't take long before you'd get bored. But by then he'll have broken down any barriers, and sex will be next on the agenda. Are you tested on sexual ability at school or something? Why is there a need to practice??? So he's a better lover for some future woman? What's he think prostitutes are for? Still why should he bother, if there's a chance YOU'll do it for free!!! You make it sound such a cold act. It's lovemaking! It's warmth and affection between two people that care for each other. If he has romantic feelings for you, is this the way to go about things? Why can't you just take one step at a time starting off with dating? You are just plunging in at the deep end- THE most intimate act. What happens if it goes wrong then? You will probably make any chances of friendship impossible. And he's shy you say. So, he can't ask you out, but he can ask you to practice & experiment with him. I don't think he's shy, just confused. Men can sleep with women, and not become emotionally involved. It is simply sex. Women have a harder time doing this, and for many the minute they start sleeping with somebody they begin to get emotionally involved. I think there is a HIGH chance that you would become involved, and he may not, and meanwhile he's still using you for practice, until one day he meets a girl he REALLY likes. Under this super-casual agreement, you're not his GF, so you'd have no right to grumble. And if you've never slept with a guy before, this is most definitely not the way to go about things. You will feel so used and dirty. If you've never been there before, trust me- AVOID IT. It's a horrible feeling. Also if he has any morals, then by you sleeping with him for such shallow reasons, will mean he will lose respect for you. Guaranteed!! Oh, and he's not ready for trust or commitment? Well, is putting the cart before the horse going to fix that? I doubt it. It will come naturally. And why is it your responsibility to "fix" him? I have plenty of nice guy friends like that. If you're feeling so charitable, maybe you'd like their numbers too????? Trust me, if it's not working now, doing something so intimate, would only be MORE inappropriate, and I suspect at the end of the day , you wouldn't even be friends.

Hi there!

 

Me again. I feel I owe you something of an apology- my email was rather overstated. I have just seen your letter on another web, and didn't realize how young you were. However I still feel, that he may want more ie it would lead to demands for sex, and with the way things stand, that this would be inappropriate.

 

all the best

[Sula]

From a lot of personal experience, I would recommend against this. I had a pretty good guy friend who I became "buddies" with. We went to parties together in our big group (I'm in college) and hung out occassionally. After we started hooking up, things just became a littel weird. He wanted more from the relationship. We ended up just not talking to one another and now I don't keep in touch and have no idea where he is.

 

I've also had a number of relationships that started out being based solely on sex. Most of them cooled off quickly or just didn't work out, because in the end you have to realize that sex shouldn't be a casual thing. It should mean something. Sex with my fiance now is more intense and exciting and arousing than casual sex ever was, and now that i know the difference, I won't ever go back to my old habits.

 

You say you would hook up without sex being involved. this is sometimes a mistake that people even in relationships make. Petting leads to sexual arousal, which leads to bad decisions. If this is something you want, find someone who doesn't mean so much to you to do this with. Trust comes from having a deep connection with someone, not practice.