I want to cut my mother off

[roxygirl]

Hi I'm new to this board and I need some advice. I'm 27 years old and I have a very difficult mother. In fact, I can't say that she's been much of a mother to me, other than my very early years of my life.

 

When I was a school-age child I didn't realize how bad things were, but once I got until my middle- school years, it became very obvious. My mom left her job to be a stay-at-home mother and raise me and my younger brother and sister. However, she has always resented that she left her career for us. She moved into a house with my dad that she has never liked and he loves the house and he refuses to move. Every day growing up, she would tell me about their marital problems. She would whine and complain about him being gone away for work, and leaving things a mess and going out with his friends on Fridays while she was at home with the kids. My dad had a very stressful job, he was the Head of Technology for a large corporation and was always traveling and having business meetings. He made quite a bit of money, which she liked, but she didn't approve of his lifestyle (even though that is where all the money she wanted to spend on fancy clothes, cars and junk was coming from).

 

Anyway, I would come home from school or friends' houses or whatever during my pre-teen years and want to talk to her about things going on in my life and spend time with her, but she was always disinterested and wanted to talk about herself the whole time. She never seemed to care at all about what I was up to. I made good grades in school and was in a number of activities and would win awards for things and she would just ignore it when I would tell her about it. Once, I came home with straight A's and she just said, "nobody likes a braggart."

 

Though my dad was still married to my mother, he was hardly around and didn't know anything about what was really going on at home. I would try to talk to my mom about my feelings directly, but she would always turn the conversation around, blaming me for taking her away from her job and my dad for ruining her perfect life. Eventually, I just stopped putting forth the effort to be noticed or approved of, as there was no point.

 

As a young teen, I started getting into trouble. I would ditch school to hang out with my friends and got into drugs/sex/alcohol, etc. But my mom didn't care. The school would call her to tell her that I was missing class, but she would blow it off. My teachers had tried to call her in for parent-teacher conferences, but she would never show up for them. Once, my dad happened to be home from a business trip and answered the phone when school called and found out that I was in danger of not finishing my first year of high school because I had been missing so much class. He was furious and he and my mother had a huge argument about it. As soon as he went out of town again, my mom yelled at me and blamed me for their fight and basically told me that I was a burden on her marriage.

 

Strangely, that incident helped me get back to class. Maybe it was more out of revenge, or just to prove that I was better than my mom, I'm not sure. Anyway, I happened to graduate with a decent of GPA got into a state college.

 

When I went away to college, I had to pay for school and for housing, even though I had a college fund. My dad would write the school checks or would ask my mom to pay the bill, but she would blow it off. My sister told me that she thought my mom was using the money for herself. And though I was living away from home, it was the same thing with her. She never knew what I was up to or cared. If I called her to check in on the family, she just wanted to talk about my father and complain and whine about how unhappy her life was. I would even go over to try to help her around the house, and I even worked part-time for her awhile when she was starting a small business because she complained that she needed help. At first, I started to feel that we were getting along better working together, but after awhile, as she started to hire people, I began to see how she treated other employees and realized that she was dumping a heavier workload on me. She would tell them not to worry about most of the things they were supposed to be doing during their shifts, because I would take care of it. She was paying me less the wage and I had the same title as the other employees; basically, she was manipulating and taking advantage of me. When I approached her about the subject, she told me that she didn't need me working there anymore and that I might as well quit. I stopped working for her, and a month later she started calling me, whining because some of her employees had quit and she needed another employee. After that, I stopped answering her calls and limited myself to only seeing/talking to her on family holidays if she happened to also be there.

 

She wasn't even at my graduation when I finished college.

 

I was recently engaged to my long-time sweetheart and we are planning a wedding in the spring. When I introduced him to my family, she decided that she really liked my fiance and has become so friendly with him, to the point that she calls him on the phone constantly. At first he enjoyed knowing that she approved of him; but he's now uncomfortable because of the way mom treats him versus me and he avoids her. She always talks about how much she likes him to everyone and behaves as if she's adopted him as her son; yet I still I go unnoticed to her.

 

Just recently she called me for the first time in a very long time to discuss the plans I was making for the wedding. Almost immediately, we got into a big argument about the plans, and she told me that she didn't approve of the size and type of wedding we were having or where we had decided to have it. Every single one of my ideas or plans was shot down. She tried to tell me everything that she wanted us to do, even though she says "I can't afford to pay for anything". I don't need the money, but the fact that she thinks she can do everything her way for MY wedding is ridiculous! I told her that this is the way that it's going to be, and stood up to her- though I said that I would welcome new ideas and help if she wanted to be involved. My mother then tells me that she refuses to do anything to help us if this is the wedding that we are going to plan.

 

After taking some time to cool off, I'm starting to realize that I become so numb toward her, and I don't think I love her anymore. She has brought me nothing but a lifetime of feeling not good enough for her, and I don't see the point of continuing to have her in my life. I am getting married very soon and don't want to make a big display of it, especially at a time when there are a number of family members in town; but I feel that her influence on my life has been nothing but negative and all she seems to care about is money.

 

My sister tells me that we should just accept her for the way that she is, but my mother also likes my sister now because my sister's husband makes a lot of money, and my mother doesn't treat my sister badly anymore. (I think she may be laying the groundwork for a place to live for awhile so that she can divorce my dad.) My sister knows that my mom isn't good to me, but she thinks that mom will eventually come around. I know that if I cut my mother off, I'm likely to lose my relationship with my sister and my sister and I are close.

 

Am I being selfish here in letting her go? I've wanted for so long for her to approve of me, but I just can't continue being treated like a loser anymore. Any advice is appreciated.

[anne1707]

Roxygirl

 

I can totally sympathise with your situation. As a teenager, my parents split up and my mother became an alcoholic (though I can look back on earlier years when my parents were together and see that there were signs of a drink problem). After she started to drink heavily, my relationship with her started to fall apart. My brother and I stayed with our father as she moved back to our old home town. I visited her every school holiday but my brother would hardly go and when he did, he would argue with her and steal money from her. At one stage he hit her. Yet throughout all this, she talked of him as being a wonderful son whilst I was a dreadful, uncaring daughter.

 

Over twenty years ago she moved again - back to her country of birth - and never contacted me again, apart from turning up unexpectedly at my first wedding - but since then there has been no contact. She never gave me details of her address. I know I could have tried to trace her and the thought still crosses my mind now and then but over the years, she caused me so much pain and heartache. The feeling is that she could very easily have got in contact with me as she had my details and those of my father. She has chosen her path and it is not what I can watch her on.

 

So my choice ultimately has been to cut her out of my life. It has made life easier in that I have not had to pick up the pieces when she screwed up yet again. But I will not say that this choice has not left me with some sadness. Thoughts do go through my mind now and then of how she is, or even if she is alive (particularly this week as it she will have turned 70 this week). But I am prepared to pay that price for the freedom from the pain she would have caused if our relationship had continued.

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that only you know the pain your mother has caused you and do not let anybody else judge you for your thoughts about cutting her out of your life. It is a far from easy decision but it may be the right one for you. Also if you do make that decision, do consider how you may feel if you have no idea about her life. But remember, the pain or guilt you may feel for cutting contact with your mother may be a lot easier to deal with than the situation you are currently in.