Wife is out of house, talking to another guy

[BusterBrown]

Hi all. First post, wish I never had to at all:(

 

My wife and I have been married for 3 yrs, together 8. It's been a pretty happy marriage and we've got along great. We have our fights but we usually are able to work it out and love again. My job keeps me away from home an avg of 10 days/month. She works and goes to school. Our lives are very busy and stressful. I love her so much. I don't know what I would do without her.

 

On Friday, November 28, she came to me and told me that she wasn't happy and that she needed space and time to think. She left Sunday, November 30 and hasn't been back home to see me since then. She said that she's been telling me this for the last 6 months. Honestly, I had no idea that she was that unhappy and no idea that it was this bad.

 

The separation is killing me inside. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my performance at work is taking a big hit. I've balled my eyes out every day since, and I'm usually not much of a crier. I've lost it and cried to her a few times, before she left, and after. I told her that I would do anything to fix this marriage. Before she left the house I tried to do things that I thought would make her happier. I cleaned the house top to bottom, made her breakfast in bed, gave her flowers and a card, etc. The response I get back is a cold shoulder and dead eyes. It's like she doesn't care. I've never seen her act this way to me before.

 

On Monday, December 1, I did something I'm not proud of but felt it had to be done. I snooped through her email and files on her computer. I found an email from a guy that included pictures of him, 2 of them quite explicit. I looked at her internet browsing history and found that she had been looking at pages about emotional affairs. I confronted her about this over the phone. She said he is just a friend she's known from when she was 15 and she didn't make him or ask him to send those pictures. I doubted this but went along with it.

 

The week went by and I tried everything to get her back - crying, begging pleading, basically putting myself at her mercy. I know I probably should've been stronger and less emotional to her, but that's what happened. I also offered to go get conselling but she refused.

 

On Friday, December 5, I get her cell phone bill and see that she's been texting A LOT to one number. The number didn't show up on the bill until one day but once they started it didn't stop. They texted each other 201 times in 8 days. I did a reverse lookup on the number and found it was the same guy sending the pictures in the email. I called her about this and remained calm and assertive. I told her I knew about the text msgs and that the pictures being sent were disrespectful. I told her that this behavior is unacceptable and now I needed to think about what I want. She said that she never slept with him. She seemed to be sorry and wanted to talk about it but I decided to end the conversation there.

 

What do I do now? I really want her to come home so we can talk face to face. I'm so hurt and confused. I know I wasn't the perfect man and I am totally willing to work on it. I'm just afraid to let her back in so easily because that would make her think that the affair was not that bad. On the other hand I'm afraid to let her stay out of the house because she could be seeing this guy. I'm stuck. Please help me.

[imagine]

Firstly, you get your butt back into your house.

 

Second, you expose the affair to all and sundry. Do this in one swoop without warning. Explain that you are working on your marriage and enlist help. If you can expose OM with maximum embarrassment. Do it.

 

Third, find out what your wife's emotional needs are. And meet them.

 

Fourth. get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" _ Dr Harley.

 

Fifth. Keep record of all events and install a key logger where possible.

 

Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com espesially "Why a woman leaves a man.

 

Keep us posted. this is NOT new for us.

[whichwayisup]

Is this guy married or have a girlfriend? If so, TELL his spouse.

 

Her choosing to do this isn't your fault, so don't take ANY of the blame.

 

She's in denial right now, in the midst of an affair-fog. Sadly, chances are she isn't going to tell you the truth of everything, even though you have proof that something is going on, she's going to downplay it, make it seem like they're "just" friends.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, but the bottomline is, if you love her and feel she's worth fighting for - Then do everything possible to make things better (marriage counselling, communicating and having very honest and open talks) with her.

 

Something is broken inside of your wife, right now she isn't the woman you fell for years ago.

[teerockness]

Not sure I agree with above poster's strategy of exposing the affair to everyone... strikes me as vindictive, but there are others more experienced at this than I. Particularly since it doesn't sound like you know the full story.

 

That said, I can say for sure that crying and pleading will get you nowhere. You need to straighten up, tighten up, and start projecting strength, calmness, and assertiveness.

 

Right now, you're coming across like a desperate, drowning man. That certainly won't be attractive to her... and to be honest, it's bad for your mental health in any case.

 

This means "do what it takes." Get exercise, eat good food, talk to friends, talk to family, get it off your chest, but STOP PLEADING. Don't pick up the bottle either - the bottom of the glass won't help you and will drag you down further.

 

To be frank, if she's moved out, your chances of getting her back may have already "sailed". What may be somewhat possible is her getting this out of her system (read: screwing her brains out with this other guy), then coming back home once she's "found herself".

 

I'm sorry for the tough talk, and I'm doubly sorry for the situation. I've been right there myself - right where you are. Believe me - if she's doing this to you, you can do much better. She's not worth the pleading, I can assure you.

 

Hang tough brother.

[BusterBrown]

Thanks for all your kind words and advice. About exposing the other man to his sig. other, I would like to do that, but I don't know who it is. His myspace says he is "in a relationship". I hope that the "relationship" he's having isn't with my wife. I've thought about sending an email to this guy and basically tell him to leave my wife alone so we can work it out. Nothing threatening, just man to man, or in this case, man to scum;)

 

It's killing me. I'm at my house all alone and all I can think about is some dude banging my wife. At least if she came home I would know the chances of that are slimmer.

 

About the exercise and eating right - I'm a health nut. I like to eat right and work out everyday. But ever since she left me I haven't felt like exercising and I'm lucky if I can stomach more than a bowl of cereal a day. I'm also picking up old habits(smoking cigarettes). I'm just totally not myself. One minute I'll feel happy and strong, the next minute I'm depressed and nervous.

[dead-dyke]

If you do go ahead and expose the affair, which I think relatives and friends need to know because she isn't going to admit anything to anybody. But she'll definitely tell a different story when friends and family ask her why she separated from you. I exposed my wife's' affair out of anger. I had no idea about the proper course, but I knew I was pissed. Emails, phone calls, I thought if this is how she was going to play me, then payback's a bitch. Now it was her turn. She was pissed, and just be prepared for the venom coming out of her mouth if this is the course of action you take. Your new reaction is perfect. Stand strong, stay firm. At least you found this site, and other sites like marriage builders now. I didn't even think about it, and didn't even come across this site for 6 mos. after the fact.

 

You've got the drop on her. You can find a proper course of action sooner, than later. It was too late for me. Sorry you have to go through this. It sucks - it hurts - and it doesn't make sense.

[dead-dyke]

(read: screwing her brains out with this other guy), then coming back home once she's "found herself".

 

.

 

Where an I find this?

[teerockness]

Are you sharing this with anyone? I'm a very private person but I found it helpful to lean on my friends. Just discussing it would bring a little bit of sunshine into the situation.

 

With that little bit of light, I took it and ran with it (literally). Get back to the gym. Find your favorite restaurant and get take out. Call up your bro that you haven't seen in a while - grab some beers and dinner.

 

Don't sit around your house and stew. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

Easier said than done, I know. Just trying to help you.

[BusterBrown]

dead-dyke:

Yeah, I'm glad I found this site too. I think if it was 6 months after the fact like your situation, I would be beyond peeved and maybe call it quits. I've told her from the beginning that I would work through anything in our marriage, but if she had an affair, that was it. Now I'm struggling with it so much. If more evidence comes to light, that may be the straw that breaks the camels back. I really love this woman, she is my world. But damn, this hurts so much.

 

teerockness:

I have been talking to my parents, my best friend, and a friend at work. I don't have a whole lot of friends. This is especially hard because any time something was wrong before, I could always turn to my wife. Now she's left me in the cold. I am going to try to get out of this house, and maybe try to eat more. It's funny, I used to eat 5 or 6 times a day.

 

 

 

 

Also, I'm really not sure if telling her mom would be the right thing right now. I know my wife and if I did that right now she would be royally pi**ed. So far we've been really civil and honest with each other. The last thing I need is for this situation to deteriorate into shouting matches. I would maybe call her best friend, but right now she is out of town and unreachable.

 

I just want her to come home or at least come within a 100 ft of me. It's harder to talk on the phone and do text messages than actually sitting down face-to-face and talking.

[LakesideDream]

LMWinG, I lived every thing you have over seven years ago. I've read everyword you've written a hundred, no five hndred times on LS since then. Generally it's men like you and I telling the tale. Occasionally it's one of the ladies telling it.

 

Of course you love your wife. I'm sure she loved you too before she met her BF. She was probably bored, and maybe felt like you didn't understand her, or didn't pay enough attention, that's all water under the bridge now.

 

There i absolutely nothing you can do about any of this. Do you think you will still want her if she returns? I wasn't interested in my wife after learning that she had invited her lover into each of her body cavities.. couldn't get that out of my mind. Actually I didn't want too. Maybe you feel differently now. Maybe you believe that there's nothing can keep you from trying again, of forgiving what's gone before. Maybe you will. Most (over 90%, both men and women) cannot. Kids make the problem worse. Sometimes you need to sacrifice your needs and even your sanity to raise tem. Sometimes.

 

That's the way it is these days. Been this way for awhile. Some say it's society breaking down. Some say that it's the logical extention of the sexual revolution. Whatever it is it kicked my ass, it's kicked yours, and we won't be the last.

 

And no, It didn't make me a better man.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've told her from the beginning that I would work through anything in our marriage, but if she had an affair, that was it.

If the majority of LoveShack history is true, the affair has already started, including the physical part. Most people are scared to give up on their present relationship until they have something else lined up. The fact that she was willing to walk and hasn't shown interest in even discussing counseling or any other effort to fix things probably indicates that she is in another relationship. The things you have discovered with her email and cell phone bear this out. Sad but true, that's how these things often work.

 

You need to start thinking about yourself and your immediate future. Dissolving a marriage involves legal, financial and social aspects. You should at least start the process - if she shows some interest down the road in working things out, you can put the separation on hold. Showing her that you're not going to stand by while she plays the field may force her hand in a way that current events have not. Hang in there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lkjh]

face the facts she is cheating on you even if it isn't physical yet. Stop being nice and civil she will just walk all over you. She is not the victim you are.........expose away.

[Benique]

I do not think you will be happy with your wife after what she had done to you .

She walked away .

She left .

She made the step .

So let her go . Do not ask her back . Even if she comes back, you will always have those very unpleasant suspicting thoughts regarding where she is at the moment when you do not see her in front of your nose .

[BusterBrown]

wow, i can't believe some of these replies. Am I really being that stupid? I talked to her on the phone last night. Things went good at first, but then of course stuff came up. She is acting like she is so mad at me that I was snooping on her, that I won't believe her when she says they are just friends. She is showing no signs of change. Last Thursday we planned to meet this Monday to talk about things face to face. Now I don't know if it's even worth it. I am afraid that she will put up the wall and I'll be left a crying, suspicious mess. My question to all of u is should I cancel the Monday meeting and tell her I'm not ready to talk? Or should I meet her on Monday and try to convince her to work on this(which I don't think she wants to yet).

 

I know I'm supposed to be caring and loving and all that right now but after seeing and thinking about the way she is acting to me, I just get really angry.

[Miss Fantasy Land]

Personally, I think you have been more than fair. Your wife knows she broke your heart and after you have repeatedly begged her to come home, she ignored you.

 

If she does come home, don't be so easy to trust her. She did this once, she will do it again -- only next time, she won't come back.

[BusterBrown]

also, i must say that I feel like I am being played. How can 201 text messages in 8 days be just friendly chatter? Yet that's exactly what she said it is. I'm so confused. I don't know what to believe. She makes it seem like I'm just insanely jealous and that there is nothing going on at all. I don't want to be that guy. But I don't want to be a doormat either.

 

Also, another reason why meeting on Monday would not be good is that even though I don't want to talk about her cheating, it will probably come up if we talk at length. And basically every issue she says she has with me - there is no talking about. If we did talk about her issues with me, anything I'd say back to her would be shot down. I can't see any solutions coming from this meeting. But I do want to be a good husband right now. So wth do I do?

 

I might be wanting to end this really soon. I just really don't feel like going through a divorce at Christmas. Too much stress. I've thought about waiting until after the holidays.

[Benique]

If you planned to meet this Monday,

then why to cancel the meeting ?

 

Listen to her when you meet ,

what she says ,what her eyes express ...

 

You will understand all ,

but be real to yourself , not full of illusions ,ok ?

 

 

 

(I personally would not let her back into my life in your place . Sorry to disappoint,but its true .she went from home just because she started an affair with that guy . She had to think over all what she had been doing! )

 

Anyway all people are different,and you are not me,and you know your wife yourself better than I know her ,

so you need to make the right decision and perceive things the way which would be the rightest now.

 

Best of luck to you!

[imagine]

Why are you not home yet?

 

Why do you give up your sources of info?

 

Have you got a copy of "Surviving an Affair" yet?

 

Time is NOT your friend.

[dead-dyke]

wow, i can't believe some of these replies. Am I really being that stupid? I talked to her on the phone last night. Things went good at first, but then of course stuff came up. She is acting like she is so mad at me that I was snooping on her, that I won't believe her when she says they are just friends..

 

 

My wife has said and done the same things - She still contends they are just 'friends'....... unfortunately, she still lives w/ her 'friend'. She also was very convincing to me that it was my mess that I made, after I exposed everything. Time does clear the thought process.

[BusterBrown]

yes dead-dyke that is exactly what she is doing. She is making it out to be me as the root cause of it all.

[dead-dyke]

yes dead-dyke that is exactly what she is doing. She is making it out to be me as the root cause of it all.

 

 

You know the very sad part about it, is? Almost a year and a half after my discovery, not even a 'sorry'. I must have been a real bastard those 7-8 yrs.

[sumdude]

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but at least 90% of the time?

 

" I need space." + " You're too clingy." + " I love you but I'm not in love with you." + " I don't feel about you the way a wife should (sexually that is)" + " He's just a friend." + " I'm leaving because YOU (a, b, c ,d ,e etc)." + Unaccounted for time + Hours of cell calls and texts to the 'friend.'

 

= She's most likely already done with the marriage and she'll be living with 'friend' soon enough.

 

Start moving on now. Fake being OK with it. Don't let her see you sweat. Get a consultation with a lawyer now and don't let on to it.

 

 

This all sounds harsh but it's true. I have walked that path and made the mistakes of hoping, wishing, asking, promising and getting nothing but disdain.

[teerockness]

Insanely jealous? 201 text messages in 8 days, averaging to about 25 a day? I don't think you're being unreasonable. She's married; she's your wife.

 

She's moved out the house!! This has nothing to do with jealousy or control at this point, and more to do with what she's interested in committing to.

 

Such a typical game: "You're trying to control me." "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be mad." Bull****.

 

Again, having seen multiple threads like this, and having gone through it myself... saying, pleading that you "want to work on it" will get you nowhere.

 

My advice (and take it or leave it): stand firm. No point in meeting with her so long as she's in contact with this other man. Let her know that you're open to explore "closure" at a later point, once the dust has settled.

 

Meanwhile, where is she exactly? I didn't catch that from your previous posts.

[BusterBrown]

she's staying at her friends house who is out of the town at the moment. I think her friend will be gone for another 3 weeks. i really don't know if she deserves any conversation from me right now.

[pelicanpreacher]

When you say friend, is it the guy that she's been texting or another friend?