Wife is out of house, talking to another guy

[Sands_of_time]

Update!

 

Looks like we are most definitely getting a divorce.

 

So the moment had arrived that I had been waiting for. The phone bill came in the mail. Well, this phone bill BLEW ME AWAY. $461!!! It's normally $120. Needless to say I was pissed. Called her on the phone, told her if she is still not going to stop talking to this guy, move back in, and work on this, then i was DONE.

 

Damn sorry to hear about your story LoveMyWife. There are many similar stories to yours so don't lose hope and know you are not alone in this. Everytime I read about a partner hurting another partner like this it just chaps my azz. It seems every other day there is the same story (look at recent and historical threads in this forum). I know all women aren't bad but this "enlightening" we are going through about cheating is just a b*tch. I feel your pain.

[sumdude]

Yep, I remember that $500 cell phone bill. I think that was the only debt I managed to get her to shell out money for.

 

Sorry you're going through this. Time to circle your own wagons. Cut all financial ties like you;re doing etc..

 

As far as outing it, contacting anyone.. at this point you're best off playing chess not lobbing bombs around. You need to be a few steps ahead of her in the legal process so you can take back control of your life. Cold and calculating beats fiery and rash any day.

[teerockness]

First off, having followed this thread from the beginning, let me say I'm sorry. I do agree with the recent posters - now is not the time for bomb-throwing. That's an emotional response and it's time to start being constructive and calculating.

 

That said, there is power in knowing. Look at it this way: all this confirmed that she wasn't worthy of you. In fact, she wasn't worth your time to begin with.

 

I have a feeling (and this has been reported often on Loveshack) in a couple of years she's going to wonder what kind of train hit her. She'll wonder what the hell she found attractive in this OM, particularly because a lot of times these guys are married and won't commit to the OW. She'll realize that while she was "gaslighting" you, he was gaslighting her. Enjoy.

 

By then though, you'll have moved on to another life, another woman, and I guarantee you'll be happier for it.

 

Hang tough.

[Searching49]

dead-dyke:

Yeah, I'm glad I found this site too. I think if it was 6 months after the fact like your situation, I would be beyond peeved and maybe call it quits. I've told her from the beginning that I would work through anything in our marriage, but if she had an affair, that was it. Now I'm struggling with it so much. If more evidence comes to light, that may be the straw that breaks the camels back. I really love this woman, she is my world. But damn, this hurts so much.

 

teerockness:

I have been talking to my parents, my best friend, and a friend at work. I don't have a whole lot of friends. This is especially hard because any time something was wrong before, I could always turn to my wife. Now she's left me in the cold. I am going to try to get out of this house, and maybe try to eat more. It's funny, I used to eat 5 or 6 times a day.

 

Ugh LMWinGA.... This was just my last post and exactly how I feel right now. I thought my wife would be the person I had to turn to through some awful event like this. I never thought she would be the one to cause it. I do love my wife and she is my world. But you have to realize that a person who treats you this way has no respect for you and no respect for your marriage.

[BusterBrown]

 

Ugh LMWinGA.... This was just my last post and exactly how I feel right now. I thought my wife would be the person I had to turn to through some awful event like this. I never thought she would be the one to cause it. I do love my wife and she is my world. But you have to realize that a person who treats you this way has no respect for you and no respect for your marriage.

 

 

Yes I am absolutely seeing that now. It makes me sad that she did this. But if it's going to be this way then I'd be better off single. We DID have a good thing going. She just gave in to temptation and really screwed up a good thing. She was a good woman, but she made some terrible decisions.

[Gowithflow]

I've been separating bank accounts, deactivating credit cards, changing passwords, and changing locks. This is the easy stuff for me. It's the actual process of filing for divorce that just rocks me to the core. The finality of it all is just very heartbreaking. I am trying to be strong. Right now it is day by day.

 

 

I just filed for a divorce from my cheating wife. It was surreal, but had to be done. It will protect you. BTW, it takes a long time for a divorce to be final. Mine will take 6 months minimum. Lots can happen in 6 months, but at least you can be divorced and moved on in that amount of time.

 

If you wind up back together then you can stop the divorce at any time. People rarely stop a divorce, but sometimes people shack up for years following a divorce with no problem whatsoever, (like my dad). Must be a control thing that goes with being married. Who knows?

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes I am absolutely seeing that now. It makes me sad that she did this. But if it's going to be this way then I'd be better off single.

 

Yes, you would.

 

 

We DID have a good thing going. She just gave in to temptation and really screwed up a good thing. She was a good woman, but she made some terrible decisions.

 

If she had it in her to cheat, then she wasn't that "good" to begin with.

 

You can do better.

[BusterBrown]

she just came to get some of her stuff. she took my dog too. that hurts deeply. i loved my dog. i knew it was coming. but damn. today was an awful day. how many worst day evers can i possibly have? it seems like each day is progressively worse. i'm crushed. this is the definitely the darkest period of my life yet. when does it ever get better?

[Searching49]

how many worst day evers can i possibly have? it seems like each day is progressively worse. i'm crushed. this is the definitely the darkest period of my life yet. when does it ever get better?

 

I know LMWinGA. I thought finding out about the original infidelity was going to be my worst day ever. That was September 7th. Then she just showed so many signs of confusion that I thought she was seriously having a medical problem and it was my duty to stand by her as a husband. Yet she continued to call and call after promising me that she would stop. She made it for almost the whole month of November, then the OM called and it just opened up her floodgates of calling him again. How many worst days ever? I think Sumdude posted that it takes the average person about 2 years to stop posting. Time to dig ourselves in and get strong now...

[BusterBrown]

she came here with her arm in a sling. she hurt it at work last night. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Used to she would have called me right after it happened. now she didn't tell me at all:mad: this sucks so bad. i feel like i'm falling down a hole and no one can save me.

[rdbidwell]

As affairs go...denial is the worst attribute to have...because things are happening and you have an opportunity to make choices. In no way did you deserve this kind of treatment. She is the one making the moves and you are being hurt and victimized. She did not listen in the first place. Even if you were not giving her everything...you gave her trust...and she threw it away. Start a divorce and see if shes playing around....take control dude. Collect all the evidence of what ever she is doing...get a lawyer...and then let her know what you are wanting...

 

Her tactics are worthless...she left you and has in some way...totally blew you away with pain....she does not know what she is messing with....you are a human being that deserves consideration. You need to get high on yourself and the person you know you are.....stop letting her control your emotions...get her in front of a table....see how she really is. It was not your fault that she has **** for brains and leaves to fool around....however she is...it is wrong and you don't deserve it. Don't question your worth by her actions. She no longer deserves access to that. You know you deserve better...and she is not better. She is a foolish little girl afraid to face the music and get something done.....if she was not sure you were the one to stay with and had to get some to feel better...shes just another typical loser human doing with no real connection to herself or anything else. She should have said she no longer wanted to be married and started a divorce.....without therapy or council....showing she was shallow and without balance. She obviously is a coward of some kind.....it is not noble to love a person who does not give a ****.....your vows are broken...she has released you to reason and truth....look hard at her for what she really is.....don't gloss her over with hope or what was...see her for the person she is showing you. Let her be exactly what she is...let her be this....don't transfer you honor and love on her....she doesn't want it. It is typical for the person caught to transfer blame for snooping....**** them they are just mad and scared and ashamed....she's a bag.....stop her cold and let her feel the full power of your self-esteem....your back side walking away. Dude she could have picked a better way to say she wanted more or needed to talk. {disclaimer---what do I know anyway....

[BusterBrown]

OK, now she's telling me that after this she doesn't want to be with a guy for a long time, many years she says. So what I am supposed to think about this guy she is talking to? She says she hardly talks to him now. But I'll never know. We got the phone bill split up, along with many other bills and credit cards, and bank accounts. She also has sworn up and down that they never saw each other and they never had sex. I do believe her on this. She has sworn it many times on her mother's life. Am I to assume this was just an emotional affair? I told her I still think it was an EA, and that there is not much she could say that would convince me otherwise.

 

Also, good old karma has stepped in. The friend that is letting her stay in her place has told her that she can't live there. So now she has to find a place to stay. And she doesn't know how she can afford half our home mortgage and rent on another place at the same time. She says her friend is "kicking her when she's down." WELL, now you KNOW HOW IT FEELS!! Still worried though, because now she may put me in a position I don't want to be in. I mean, right now we are getting along nicely, just trying to be friendly as possible while we part ways. But if she could change so fast on me when she left, I guess she could change real fast on me now.

 

Uggh. This sucks.

[Mountains10]

OK, now she's telling me that after this she doesn't want to be with a guy for a long time, many years she says. So what I am supposed to think about this guy she is talking to? She says she hardly talks to him now. But I'll never know. We got the phone bill split up, along with many other bills and credit cards, and bank accounts. She also has sworn up and down that they never saw each other and they never had sex. I do believe her on this. She has sworn it many times on her mother's life. Am I to assume this was just an emotional affair? I told her I still think it was an EA, and that there is not much she could say that would convince me otherwise.

 

Also, good old karma has stepped in. The friend that is letting her stay in her place has told her that she can't live there. So now she has to find a place to stay. And she doesn't know how she can afford half our home mortgage and rent on another place at the same time. She says her friend is "kicking her when she's down." WELL, now you KNOW HOW IT FEELS!! Still worried though, because now she may put me in a position I don't want to be in. I mean, right now we are getting along nicely, just trying to be friendly as possible while we part ways. But if she could change so fast on me when she left, I guess she could change real fast on me now.

 

Uggh. This sucks.

 

Right along with you on this, this sounds soooo familiar. Learn from those that say, you can't always be friendly. In the beginning I played the doormat and got walked on for being friendly. Then one day I just went NC with her and she went nuts, telling me I HAD to talk to her. I don't HAVE to do anything. Mine is still filing on me next week, but same story from her. Supposedly mine got rejected by the OM and swears it never got physical. I don't guess I'll ever know for sure, but I somewhat believe her, because of details I'd rtaher not post publicly. We're still in the friendly boat, but not really friends. Don't worry about making her mad, she'll get over it. I made mine mad as hell in the beginning with exposure to her family, she got over it within a couple days. She understood I was trying to save our marriage. I'm not saying NC is right for everyone, if you really want her back, try the 180 and see if she notices, you might can fix it still. Mine liked the half done 180, but so far she hasn't changed her mind, and it's ok with me at this point.

Are you in Metro Atl, by chance? If you dont' care to say I completely don't blame you, I know some of us like our anonymity.

[BusterBrown]

Are you in Metro Atl, by chance? If you dont' care to say I completely don't blame you, I know some of us like our anonymity.

 

I'm actually up north of ATL. Hall County.

[Mountains10]

I'm actually up north of ATL. Hall County.

 

Oh ok, well you're not that far away from me. I won't post anything publicly, would never want my wife to stumble across here and read this. PM if you want when you have the ability.

[Dexter Morgan]

OK, now she's telling me that after this she doesn't want to be with a guy for a long time, many years she says.

 

She is lying her ass off.

 

 

So what I am supposed to think about this guy she is talking to?

 

 

You don't think anything about him. let him have her, she aint worth your time.

 

 

She says she hardly talks to him now. But I'll never know.

 

 

You know she does. And her line about not wanting to be with a guy for a long time is a load of crap.

 

 

Am I to assume this was just an emotional affair?

 

There is no thing as "just" an affair, emotional, physical, or otherwise.

 

 

Also, good old karma has stepped in. The friend that is letting her stay in her place has told her that she can't live there. So now she has to find a place to stay. And she doesn't know how she can afford half our home mortgage and rent on another place at the same time. She says her friend is "kicking her when she's down."

 

Well she is down because of her own selfishness. Funny how cheaters think they should come out of the hurt they bestow on others unscathed.

 

 

WELL, now you KNOW HOW IT FEELS!! Still worried though, because now she may put me in a position I don't want to be in. I mean, right now we are getting along nicely, just trying to be friendly as possible while we part ways. But if she could change so fast on me when she left, I guess she could change real fast on me now.

 

Uggh. This sucks.

 

Well whatever happens, don't let her weasel her way back in your life. She is trash.

[Owl]

Let her suffer the consequences of her choice to cheat.

 

If her friend kicks her out, that's HER problem...not yours. Don't offer to help her in any fashion.

 

As far as whether or not she's still communicating with the other guy...since there's no way to tell, and she's not 'part of your life' at this point...don't waste your time worrying about it.

 

Hold her responsible for her end of the mortgage/bills/etc... Make it clear to her that her present dilemma is completely of her own doing, and is not something you're going to assist her with in any fashion. It's a result of her choices, and hers alone to deal with. If she doesn't want to "be with you"...then she's on her own, and you owe her NOTHING.

 

What's YOUR plan for the future right now?

[BusterBrown]

Well, she just called me to talk about some bills and stuff. I got peeved and told her she was acting just like her dad(her dad ran ran away from wife and 2 kids when she was young). I know that hit a nerve because she resents the hell out of her dad for doing that. But, history does repeat itself. Her own mother even said that she was acting like her dad. Hell, if it's true, then it's true. May not have been the right thing to say but she is really pissing me off. She's just being so selfish. As a man, I would stand up for my marriage before I stood up for myself. Just old fashioned, I guess. Ha, also I told her she is a two-timer. No regrets about saying that because that is exactly what she is.

 

She said she is now living in her sister's basement. Ha ha! I've seen that basement! I wouldn't let my dog sleep there. I asked her "What, do you want me to feel sorry for you?"

 

I guess today I'm just in a really bad mood. It hurts to no end to say "I love you" or "I miss you" and the reply I get is dead silence. I try not to say it most of the time, but sometimes it slips out. I guess I'm just hoping that she will snap out of her irrationality. I know, I know.......God, I love women. But I honestly don't know if I will ever marry again. I just can't trust a woman, not a single one. Anybody have any experience with this feeling? When do you finally let your guard down again and trust?

 

 

"What's YOUR plan for the future right now?"

Well, I am trying to get my head straight again. I hope to at least return to my former glory. I was on a roll and life was wonderful!!!

 

I have made a new guy friend in the past week. He's a really cool dude. His gf of 2 years just showed up with a box truck 2 days ago and took everything she owned and moved out. Like me, he never saw it coming. So, we share something in common I guess:rolleyes: He came over last night and we talked for a couple hours about all kinds of stuff, not just women. It feels good to make new friends. Haven't done that in a LONG time. My goal is to build my own social circle of awesome people. My best friend of 15 years is my main buddy. But most of the time when I am looking for something to do, I just call him and see what he's doing. I hang out with his friends, but I never really made them my friends.....more like acquaintances.

 

I've also been thinking hard about my new dating life. I know I shouldn't date seriously for at least a year. But I am trying to overcome my shyness and social anxiety so I can start asking girls out. I never really approached too many women before I met my wife. My dating game was pretty abysmal too. Not this time! This time I am taking my life to a whole new level of happiness. No one can make me happy but ME! And that's great because I know exactly what I like.

 

I'm still smoking the cigarettes, which I hate and I can't believe I fell back into it. I am trying to quit. Days like today though really screw me up. I know I can do it though. Done it before, multiple times:o I'm going to get back in the gym, get buff, and be ALPHA MALE!

 

Also, I've been playing the guitar a LOT. That's what you do when you sit in an empty house all day, every day. I was pretty good, now I'm like freakin Jimi Hendrix on the thing. It soothes the soul and I enjoy it. Heck, it may even come in use someday when I can serenade some pretty little lady with a love song.

 

So, lots of stuff planned for me. Anyone that knows me will tell you I am a go-getter. If I want to achieve something, I go achieve it. End of story. Maybe that's why this divorce hurts so much. I have NO control of the outcome, and it suuuuucks. I never wanted a divorce. I was very happy.

 

 

I know, I am talking a lot about the future and how I plan to meet a sweet girl. It kind of hurts me to say that stuff, though. I've always been so loyal to my wife, and respectful of our love and marriage. I didn't even LOOK at other women when I was with her. I was just really happy and content with her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, she just called me to talk about some bills and stuff. I got peeved and told her she was acting just like her dad(her dad ran ran away from wife and 2 kids when she was young).

 

Well now she has nothing at all to say about her dad's situation without being a total hypocrite. I think now she owes her dad an apology.

 

 

She said she is now living in her sister's basement. Ha ha! I've seen that basement! I wouldn't let my dog sleep there.

 

Well, revenge is a dish best served cold, and also the best revenge is living a good life. Tell her to enjoy her new basement home

[Sands_of_time]

 

She said she is now living in her sister's basement. Ha ha! I've seen that basement! I wouldn't let my dog sleep there. I asked her "What, do you want me to feel sorry for you?"

 

LoveMyWife--hilarious that she is living in sis's basement now. Knowing that you wouldn't let your dog sleep down there has to give you a little bit of sweet justice. It might not change anything but I am glad it gave you a chuckle. That's another "easy" minute for you. Some minutes are not as easy as others. Here's to more easy minutes in your life...

[Searching49]

But I honestly don't know if I will ever marry again. I just can't trust a woman, not a single one. Anybody have any experience with this feeling? When do you finally let your guard down again and trust?

 

 

 

I've also been thinking hard about my new dating life. I know I shouldn't date seriously for at least a year. But I am trying to overcome my shyness and social anxiety so I can start asking girls out. I never really approached too many women before I met my wife. My dating game was pretty abysmal too. Not this time! This time I am taking my life to a whole new level of happiness. No one can make me happy but ME! And that's great because I know exactly what I like.

 

I never wanted a divorce. I was very happy.

 

 

I know, I am talking a lot about the future and how I plan to meet a sweet girl. It kind of hurts me to say that stuff, though. I've always been so loyal to my wife, and respectful of our love and marriage. I didn't even LOOK at other women when I was with her. I was just really happy and content with her.

 

I'm quoting half of your post because I couldnt have said it better myself. I've been thinking a lot about a new relationship too and what it will be like. Will I be able to find another beautiful girl my age with the same likes and dislikes? Would I need to date a few girls first before really being able to settle down again? How long would it be before I could trust that she actually wants to be with me and not just my money/lifestyle?I've been coming up with the answers: Yes I can and will, that is up to me, and dont spoil and sign a pre-nup. If she really cares about you, she won't even flinch at signing the pre-nup, and she'll understand because you'll have told her everything.

[BusterBrown]

yeah i have a feeling i may drive a few girls off with trust issues. I mean, i can't tell you how many times she promised me forever, or how many times she looked me square in the eyes and said "you have nothing to worry about. i will always be with you."

 

i dated this woman for five years. I thought I really made sure that I picked the right woman. I don't plan on getting married again unless I date the girl for at least 4 or 5 years. But how will I know? It's basically just a gut instinct thing, right? I swear, my gut told me yes for my STBXW. I just don't know. I definitely do not want TWO divorces in my life.

 

Well, a little after I posted last, I started balling my eyes out. What a rollercoaster! I went from angry to sad quick. I'm feeling a different emotion every hour, and I'm a month and a half into this thing!!!

 

Heartbreak is truly a terrible thing. I've had small heartbreaks before, but never anything major. But this one is killing me. I feel like my whole life was pulled from under me with no warning.

[Mountains10]

yeah i have a feeling i may drive a few girls off with trust issues. I mean, i can't tell you how many times she promised me forever, or how many times she looked me square in the eyes and said "you have nothing to worry about. i will always be with you."

 

i dated this woman for five years. I thought I really made sure that I picked the right woman. I don't plan on getting married again unless I date the girl for at least 4 or 5 years. But how will I know? It's basically just a gut instinct thing, right? I swear, my gut told me yes for my STBXW. I just don't know. I definitely do not want TWO divorces in my life.

 

Well, a little after I posted last, I started balling my eyes out. What a rollercoaster! I went from angry to sad quick. I'm feeling a different emotion every hour, and I'm a month and a half into this thing!!!

 

Heartbreak is truly a terrible thing. I've had small heartbreaks before, but never anything major. But this one is killing me. I feel like my whole life was pulled from under me with no warning.

 

 

I'm with you on this, had a couple girlfriends, then I meet her, we dated 5 years also, so I figured, she was the one. Went 7 years of marriage and it hit me like a brick wall. Now she is trying the whole 'I still want to be your friend' thing and I'm trying like the plague to avoid her. Maybe trying to be my friend eases her mind, but it makes mine more cluttered. Just leave me alone is all I ask. Stop calling me and trying to talk to me. How can I ever get over you, if you're still calling me all the time? You want a divorce, yet you want to keep me in your life? I don't get it.

 

Stay strong LMWIGA, we will hook up in a couple of weeks and go hang out, I'm not that far from you. I can definitely relate right along with you.

 

I have a had a couple relapses like you. I'm 3 months in, I think you're 2 months in, if I'm not mistaken. Thankfully I haven't shed many more tears lately, but I've almost wanted to a couple of times. It's very hard, I know.

[Searching49]

yeah i have a feeling i may drive a few girls off with trust issues. I mean, i can't tell you how many times she promised me forever, or how many times she looked me square in the eyes and said "you have nothing to worry about. i will always be with you."

 

i dated this woman for five years. I thought I really made sure that I picked the right woman. I don't plan on getting married again unless I date the girl for at least 4 or 5 years. But how will I know? It's basically just a gut instinct thing, right? I swear, my gut told me yes for my STBXW. I just don't know. I definitely do not want TWO divorces in my life.

 

Well, a little after I posted last, I started balling my eyes out. What a rollercoaster! I went from angry to sad quick. I'm feeling a different emotion every hour, and I'm a month and a half into this thing!!!

 

Heartbreak is truly a terrible thing. I've had small heartbreaks before, but never anything major. But this one is killing me. I feel like my whole life was pulled from under me with no warning.

 

Don't take everything I say literally. I'm still trying to convince myself here too. We were also together for 5 years before we were married and had lived together for 3. We've had a fantastic 5 years years before we were married. It doesn't take much for me to break down for a bit, but I do think it is important to take those moments. It is important to not forget what she meant to you, and that you have the ability to feel so strongly for someone else. After all, we are human and we are hurt deeply. My wife also said she would never leave me, and she was so happy that she found me because I was one in a million. Now she seems like the furthest person from me in the world. Do you remember what it was like when you knew that she also felt the same way about you? If you are like me, it wasn't that long ago. Well, the good news is that you can have that again with someone else if you allow it. Everyone is searching for someone to love. Happyness is whether or not they allow themselves to find it.

[BusterBrown]

yes i have been wondering what the heck am i going to say when i start dating?!?! The divorce will eventually come up in conversation

 

Me: Yeah, I'm divorced. We were married for 3 years.

Her: 3 years. You couldn't make it more than 3 years?

Me: Well, uhm....yeah....about that - we actually had a really good marriage. We were fulfilled and very happy until the end.

Her: Yeah, right...

Me: No really! It was a beautiful relationship. We were quite compatible!

 

And then she comes off thinking I must have done something bad or cheated on her; and that I'm lying because I was a deadbeat husband. I don't know. I'm probably worrying too much. It's just so damn humiliating. I honestly thought that as long as I was a good husband to her, we would be married forever. I never ever saw divorce as an option. I sweared the vows before my god and my family, and I took it very seriously. It hurts because I can still remember her looking deep into my eyes at the alter and making the same promise. I feel so deceived and used.