Wife is out of house, talking to another guy

[PWSX3]

I heard something interesting on the radio today, they said most marriages that fail when they talk to both parties & they really look back, most of what went wrong was from the first year together. :confused:mmmmm!!!!

[BusterBrown]

hmmm... hey mountains10. I'm having problems trying to PM you. Perhaps you could PM me?

[Searching49]

yes i have been wondering what the heck am i going to say when i start dating?!?! The divorce will eventually come up in conversation

 

Me: Yeah, I'm divorced. We were married for 3 years.

Her: 3 years. You couldn't make it more than 3 years?

Me: Well, uhm....yeah....about that - we actually had a really good marriage. We were fulfilled and very happy until the end.

Her: Yeah, right...

Me: No really! It was a beautiful relationship. We were quite compatible!

 

And then she comes off thinking I must have done something bad or cheated on her; and that I'm lying because I was a deadbeat husband. I don't know. I'm probably worrying too much. It's just so damn humiliating. I honestly thought that as long as I was a good husband to her, we would be married forever. I never ever saw divorce as an option. I sweared the vows before my god and my family, and I took it very seriously. It hurts because I can still remember her looking deep into my eyes at the alter and making the same promise. I feel so deceived and used.

 

You should feel hurt and used. You were. I was married for about 10 months before my wife cheated on me. Found out 1 week before our 1 year anniversary. She went on a business trip for our 1 year anniversary week. She spent most of that night on the phone talking to the OM. Talked to him through midnight. It hurts bad and the betrayal runs very deep...

[Mountains10]

hmmm... hey mountains10. I'm having problems trying to PM you. Perhaps you could PM me?

 

I would, but I think you have to have at least 50 posts before I'm able to PM you. Keep posting and keep trying. We'll get in touch.

[BusterBrown]

I would, but I think you have to have at least 50 posts before I'm able to PM you. Keep posting and keep trying. We'll get in touch.

 

 

Oh I see. I knew there was a limit I just couldn't find the exact number. I'll keep trudging along. Thank you all for your support.

[Mountains10]

Oh I see. I knew there was a limit I just couldn't find the exact number. I'll keep trudging along. Thank you all for your support.

 

Yeah np, like I said, PM me when it's available to you.

[Owl]

So is your goal divorce, or reconciliation with your wife?

 

I'm not sure which you had in mind, with your response.

 

Get your goal firmly in your mind...and then start working out a plan to get you there.

 

If it's divorce, then start talking with an attorney.

 

If it's reconciliation, start talking with a marriage counselor who has a good track record for rebuilding marriages after infidelity.

 

Once you know exactly which of these paths you want to pursue, then mention it here, and you can get some pretty great advice from the folks on LS for either option.

 

Just my suggestion...always have a goal, and a plan. Otherwise, you risk just going around in circles getting nowhere.

[BusterBrown]

So is your goal divorce, or reconciliation with your wife?

 

uh... well......i don't know. My goal was reconciliation, but she won't even make the first step towards reconciliation. Divorce scares the hell outta me. But I guess you are right I do need to have a goal in mind. I will think long and hard about it.:sick:

[Mountains10]

uh... well......i don't know. My goal was reconciliation, but she won't even make the first step towards reconciliation. Divorce scares the hell outta me. But I guess you are right I do need to have a goal in mind. I will think long and hard about it.:sick:

 

Owl's probably very right, but that's easier said than done. We are always hoping and trying to save the marriage, for most of us it's too late. I could only stall mine for so long before she finally said the heck with me and got tired of running in mental circles. I guess I was fighting the fog with some fog of my own. . Too bad I got tired of it myself.

 

Owl, isn't that what the call reverse fog? I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about.

[Gunny376]

uh... well......i don't know. My goal was reconciliation, but she won't even make the first step towards reconciliation. Divorce scares the hell outta me. But I guess you are right I do need to have a goal in mind. I will think long and hard about it.:sick:

 

"When your up to your azz in Indians, alligators, and snakes, one tends to forget that their initial objective was to drain the swamp!" :laugh:

 

Divorce isn't so bad, Gawd knows I'm glad to be rid my XHEX! And, yea I loved her and was in love with her, but I found out that more times than not, those that we love and are in love with are the very worse people and the most toxic for us and our lives.

 

Just found out yesterday, that the guy she left me for, (who's about eight or nine years younger than she) are filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy for the second time since they've been together. :lmao:

 

Damn! There is such a thing as karma!

 

There's a difference between ignorant and stupid. When your ingnorant? You do something because you just don't know any better? But when you do someting ignorant? And know better ~ well that's just plain stupid!

 

"Life's hard, but its even harder when your stupid!"

 

Pain? Pain is weakness leaving the body! Pain is good! Pain teaches you and is indeed the best teacher nature ever created! Because once you've gone through the pain? You will forever more have a real sharp pretty picture in your head!

[rdbidwell]

(((yes i have been wondering what the heck am i going to say when i start dating?!?! The divorce will eventually come up in conversation

 

Me: Yeah, I'm divorced. We were married for 3 years.

Her: 3 years. You couldn't make it more than 3 years?

Me: Well, uhm....yeah....about that - we actually had a really good marriage. We were fulfilled and very happy until the end.

Her: Yeah, right...

Me: No really! It was a beautiful relationship. We were quite compatible!

 

And then she comes off thinking I must have done something bad or cheated on her; and that I'm lying because I was a deadbeat husband. I don't know. I'm probably worrying too much. It's just so damn humiliating. I honestly thought that as long as I was a good husband to her, we would be married forever. I never ever saw divorce as an option. I sweared the vows before my god and my family, and I took it very seriously. It hurts because I can still remember her looking deep into my eyes at the alter and making the same promise. I feel so deceived and used.)))

 

 

It is the feelings of being deceived and used....that make the soul hurt...because you are thinking somehow you are foolish or stupid in some way. The pain (for what I have learned for me) has come from this...very sneaky little lie. Suddenly doubting what you think and who you are...doubting your worth, your heart, your very inner self...that you built within the confines of a supposedly safe place. YOu may be thinking less of your self at moments and this is where the pain comes from...because in truth our souls know we are....we are everything and perfect...and when we..we the keepers of ourselves drop the supporting rope of the actual... we fall and get hurt...by only ourselves doubting what we already know. (It is something like that anyway....I wish I could say it better to more quickly end your suffering....but you are going to learn this completely one day and realize you were always just fine.

[Gowithflow]

(((yes i have been wondering what the heck am i going to say when i start dating?!?! The divorce will eventually come up in conversation

 

Me: Yeah, I'm divorced. We were married for 3 years.

Her: 3 years. You couldn't make it more than 3 years?

Me: Well, uhm....yeah....about that - we actually had a really good marriage. We were fulfilled and very happy until the end.

Her: Yeah, right...

Me: No really! It was a beautiful relationship. We were quite compatible!

 

And then she comes off thinking I must have done something bad or cheated on her; and that I'm lying because I was a deadbeat husband. I don't know. I'm probably worrying too much. It's just so damn humiliating. I honestly thought that as long as I was a good husband to her, we would be married forever. I never ever saw divorce as an option. I sweared the vows before my god and my family, and I took it very seriously. It hurts because I can still remember her looking deep into my eyes at the alter and making the same promise. I feel so deceived and used.)))

 

 

It is the feelings of being deceived and used....that make the soul hurt...because you are thinking somehow you are foolish or stupid in some way. The pain (for what I have learned for me) has come from this...very sneaky little lie. Suddenly doubting what you think and who you are...doubting your worth, your heart, your very inner self...that you built within the confines of a supposedly safe place. YOu may be thinking less of your self at moments and this is where the pain comes from...because in truth our souls know we are....we are everything and perfect...and when we..we the keepers of ourselves drop the supporting rope of the actual... we fall and get hurt...by only ourselves doubting what we already know. (It is something like that anyway....I wish I could say it better to more quickly end your suffering....but you are going to learn this completely one day and realize you were always just fine.

 

The feelings are natural and not long term. I've been meeting a few women lately and I find that many are either divorced, or going through a divorce. These are not unhappy people. Even the ones who have been cheated on. they find ways to move on and are doing so. There is no other option other than sulking in misery, (I think we all do that in the beginning. I'm only 2 1/2 months into my breakup. Papers were served just last week so I'm "in the pain zone" still).

 

But, the best quote I've heard in person lately was from a mother of twins who's husband left in 2007. She said "It was good......Then it wasn't good."

 

That about summed it up. No need to explain further. I've been saying that to myself since meeting her, and that is my line from now on when meeting new women. If they want more info then they will ask. If not, then great!

[Sands_of_time]

But, the best quote I've heard in person lately was from a mother of twins who's husband left in 2007. She said "It was good......Then it wasn't good."

 

Great quote GWTFlow. Short and sweet.

[Cherrybomb]

27? Good lord, you're still so young. When the two of you got together you were still teenagers. It's possible that curiousity and boredom has set in (I'm not blaming you, just seems to happen sometime). I do know that begging, pleading, and doing all kinds of things for her doesn't help. It could be some physical attraction she has for this guy. Who knows. Don't think of yourself as damaged goods. Lots of people are divorced and are now happily re-married.

[BusterBrown]

It's possible that curiousity and boredom has set in (I'm not blaming you, just seems to happen sometime).

 

 

Yeah, she was bored. I was out of town a lot with work. But I would always take her out somewhere on the weekend. She liked poker, I didn't. I was pretty active and pursued a few various hobbies like music and working on my fitness. She preferred to sit at home most of the time watching CSI and Law and Order. I can't really stand those kinds of shows so when she was viewing them I'd usually wander around the house, lots of time ending up on my computer. I can see where I went wrong in many ways. But she didn't really try either. She hardly ever initiated sex. I was rockin' the six pack abs hoping for a little more action from her. I don't know, I guess to me it's nice when the woman initiates sex. It makes you feel desirable.

[Mountains10]

Yeah, she was bored. I was out of town a lot with work. But I would always take her out somewhere on the weekend. She liked poker, I didn't. I was pretty active and pursued a few various hobbies like music and working on my fitness. She preferred to sit at home most of the time watching CSI and Law and Order. I can't really stand those kinds of shows so when she was viewing them I'd usually wander around the house, lots of time ending up on my computer. I can see where I went wrong in many ways. But she didn't really try either. She hardly ever initiated sex. I was rockin' the six pack abs hoping for a little more action from her. I don't know, I guess to me it's nice when the woman initiates sex. It makes you feel desirable.

 

Interesting that you say you are physically fit. I figured only those of us not in great shape got left. I guess it's just different for each situation. Good post LMWG.

[Gunny376]

Yeah, she was bored. I was out of town a lot with work. But I would always take her out somewhere on the weekend. She liked poker, I didn't. I was pretty active and pursued a few various hobbies like music and working on my fitness. She preferred to sit at home most of the time watching CSI and Law and Order. I can't really stand those kinds of shows so when she was viewing them I'd usually wander around the house, lots of time ending up on my computer. I can see where I went wrong in many ways. But she didn't really try either. She hardly ever initiated sex. I was rockin' the six pack abs hoping for a little more action from her. I don't know, I guess to me it's nice when the woman initiates sex. It makes you feel desirable.

 

I really didn't want to post this, but I can see a lot of you guys or reeling and rocking from the why question"

 

So here goes. First off our deluxe brain housing groups aren't wired for the here and now. They're wired for about 10 to 150,000 years ago. Back then? There weren't very many human beings walking around. 150,000 years ago there were only about 10 to 40,000 homo sapiens walking around. Hell, there were probally less than 400,000 on the entire planet, 10,000 years ago.

 

Back then, (and pretty much today) our brains were wired to do one of two things survice and replicate, and that's where despite the modern world is where we're at today. Survive, replicate and pass on our genes/DNA.

 

Flash forward, despite all our modern advances, we're still pretty much in "cave-man" mode. Survive and replicate, pass on our genes and DNA.

 

Women's brains are wired to go with the guy ~ be attracted to the guy who offers the best S&R (Survive & Replicate) skills.

 

Everyone hates the "switch & bait" deal, being sold a bill of goods, being cheated. Somewhere along the line, we sold our spouses on the idea that we were the real deal, "Alpha-males" and somewhere a long the line we showed up being nice guys, "beta-males" and when a preceived real Alpha-Male came along, they went for it.

 

The reason Walk-a-wives are so pissed off? Is because we sold them an empty bill of goods, They thought they were getting a Corvette, when all they were getting was a Kia. :mad: A sub-compact Kia to boot.

 

Its not really any of our fault, because our fathers, uncles, and brothers generally don't have a clue. They didn't teach us what we needed to know, about dating, women, relating, marriage. Nor did we learn it at any level of schooling (from elementary through grad school ~ God forbid ~ that would mean talking about SEX! )

 

Goggle:

 

The Mystery Method

 

StyleLife

 

David DeAngelo

 

Read:

 

"The Game"

 

"The Mystery Method"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"Light Her Fire"

 

"How to Light Our Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

"Romance 101"

 

"Seduction"

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, And Women Don't Get Enough Love"

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes"

 

"Why Women Worry"

 

"How To Satisfy Her Everytime and Have Her Beg for More,..........." (Highly recommend)

 

"How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure"

 

Learn about tantic sex, massage, aroma-therapy (women have 10,000 more ofractory cells [they smell things better] than men), learn how to dance, (take dance lessons already! Take speech lessons, get a dressing coach, go to the gym 5X's a week!

 

Read May Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" get out of debt, get those bills paid off, get a years worth of income in the bank, get a $5000 car mainteance fund built up, fully identify any and all "Freedom Accounts" (Savings accounts with designated funds for designated things ~ annual property taxes, vacations, appliance & furniture replacement, paying your insurance preimiumns annually [lower payments] rather than monthly, lowering your deductables [again lower payments]

 

There are three areas you need to concentrate on ~ health, wealth and love. You fail in one you fail in the other two. You fail in love, your health and wealth will suffer. You fail in health, your wealth and love will fail. You fail in wealth and love and health will fail.

[Gunny376]

Forgot, read Diana Galaldon's "Outlander" Series.

 

And yes they're rommance and adventure series, but if you want to create that "Other-worldly" state of mine you need a point of refernce.

 

"Dragonfly In Amber"

 

"Voyage"

 

"A Breath Of Snow and Ashes"

[Star Gazer]

She said that she's been telling me this for the last 6 months.

 

Has she??

 

Honestly, I had no idea that she was that unhappy and no idea that it was this bad.

 

So you knew it was bad, and that she was unhappy... just not how bad?

 

What was she communicating to you about her level of (dis)satisfaction in your marriage?

[Gunny376]

Has she??

 

 

 

So you knew it was bad, and that she was unhappy... just not how bad?

 

What was she communicating to you about her level of (dis)satisfaction in your marriage?

 

StarGazer, I've a lot of respect for you, but come on with the double-standard! Slap me in my face and tell to wake up! Throw ice cold water on me while I'm asleep! But enough with the femininie subtle hints! Men are men ~ not women!

 

I react to gun-fire ~ not firecrackers!

[Star Gazer]

StarGazer, I've a lot of respect for you, but come on with the double-standard! Slap me in my face and tell to wake up! Throw ice cold water on me while I'm asleep! But enough with the femininie subtle hints! Men are men ~ not women!

 

I don't follow what you're saying? I'm not applying any double standard at all.

 

Are you suggesting there's nothing to be learned here about how to be a better husband/SO (presumably in the future)?

 

That said, yes... she cheated. I don't condone that, not for a second. But was her cheating the only cause of harm to the marriage?? I think not, the OP admits he wasn't there for her, and she certainly thought there was damage BEFORE she cheated. Right?

[Gunny376]

I don't follow what you're saying? I'm not applying any double standard at all.

 

Are you suggesting there's nothing to be learned here about how to be a better husband/SO (presumably in the future)?

 

That said, yes... she cheated. I don't condone that, not for a second. But was her cheating the only cause of harm to the marriage?? I think not, the OP admits he wasn't there for her, and she certainly thought there was damage BEFORE she cheated. Right?

 

No! There is much to be learned! On both sides! I know that! You (from your last post? Know that!)

 

People like yourself are why I'm here at LS!

 

To learn and grow!

[Gunny376]

I'm just one man looking for one woman to love for just one lifetime!

[Owl]

It's funny that you mention the Diana Gabaldon series, Gunny.

 

Very well written series of books...and I completely get what you're referring to.

 

On the subject of "why", and to kind of springboard off of Gunny's well thought comments...

 

Take what Gunny said into account.

 

Then add to that this thought. Nowadays, every woman wants her man to be everything...she wants him to be the hardened warrior who can protect her and her family...the steely-eyed businessman who can provide for her and the children...and the sensitive, caring 'best friend' that is her soulmate, who can cry at the end of Titanic.

 

The problem is, that's not always a very realistic situation. A hardened warrior struggles with empathy. Same with the businessman. That's because the ruthlessness that's needed to be successful in both of these aspects requires a LACK of empathy. It's not easy to take money from someone else when you can easily put yourself in their shoes.

 

So the problem is that men are expected to have aspects of all of these things...but typically don't have tools to meet those expectations.

 

Today's media tells everyone that men are supposed to be ALL of that...when that's NOT the message that previous generations had.

 

Different expectations...

 

That "bill of goods" that most women want today after watching TV is great for TV...but not much more realistic than expecting to go to work tomorrow via the transporters from Start Trek.

[Gunny376]

It's funny that you mention the Diana Gabaldon series, Gunny.

 

Very well written series of books...and I completely get what you're referring to.

 

On the subject of "why", and to kind of springboard off of Gunny's well thought comments...

 

Take what Gunny said into account.

 

Then add to that this thought. Nowadays, every woman wants her man to be everything...she wants him to be the hardened warrior who can protect her and her family...the steely-eyed businessman who can provide for her and the children...and the sensitive, caring 'best friend' that is her soulmate, who can cry at the end of Titanic.

 

The problem is, that's not always a very realistic situation. A hardened warrior struggles with empathy. Same with the businessman. That's because the ruthlessness that's needed to be successful in both of these aspects requires a LACK of empathy. It's not easy to take money from someone else when you can easily put yourself in their shoes.

 

So the problem is that men are expected to have aspects of all of these things...but typically don't have tools to meet those expectations.

 

Today's media tells everyone that men are supposed to be ALL of that...when that's NOT the message that previous generations had.

 

Different expectations...

 

That "bill of goods" that most women want today after watching TV is great for TV...but not much more realistic than expecting to go to work tomorrow via the transporters from Start Trek.

 

But in all fairness, a lot of men expect the counter-oppossite. They want a Lady~"Martha Stewert in the living room/kitchen and a porn star in the bedroom. Again via the media. And real life just isn't that way.

 

The prime reason my wife gave for divorcing me was because I was a "work-aholic"

 

Give me a break! I was in the freaking United States Marine Corps where its "can to can't" 24-7-365 and where you do more before 0600 than most do all day!