7 months in... She wants me back but yet she doesn't!

[wmast]

Ok, here's the story:

 

My ex fiance left me 7 months ago for another guy. We were in the middle of planning our wedding and one day after dinner she just ended it. No arguments over dinner or anything. We actually had a good time. She said that she was unsure of things, etc... I thought she was just having cold feet because of all of the wedding talk. I begged, cried, pleaded, bought flowers, etc. I was crushed. Nothing worked. She remained steadfast on the idea that she NEEDED to do this, she NEEDED to find herself.

 

Well after about a week, I find out that her "finding herself" actually meant her dating another guy. When I found out my heart sank to a level undescribable. I asked her how she could just go from planning a wedding to being with someone else. It just made NO sense whatsoever. I was confused, my family was confused, her family was confused. No one but HER saw it coming. She just answered by saying that the only way to find out for sure if I am the one for her is if she dates someone else. Naively I bought into the idea and like a DUMMY i said, "ok, I'll wait for you until the end of time". I was hurt and thinking with my heart and not my head. Bad move. I also let her assuage her guilt by telling me all the things I did wrong during the relationship. She kept telling me I failed to show affection, failed to be new and exciting, etc. I was great to her but I agree, our relationship was kind of dull, after all we were together for almost 5 years so we knew everything about each other. But I saw the wedding as a new start, a new adventure. We'd finally get to move in together and do all the things we planned.

 

So I stuck around trying to be the "friend" but that didn't work out. The pain was TOO awful. I picked up my pride and went NC. After 2 full months of NC I was feeling great! I still thought about her 24/7 but I realized I didn't NEED her. I was taking steps in the right direction. I ignored all of her contact attempts, felt like I wasn't ready to talk to her after she betrayed me the way she did. Then there came a point in time where I felt like I was ready so when she contacted me I answered. We talked for like 3 hours about what went wrong and she told me she wanted me back badly and that she was unhappy with her decision. I told her to get her mind cleared and to come talk to me. At this time I was EXCITED.

 

But the problem came that she'd always say that she would leave the other guy but she never did. I found myself always asking, "when are you going to break up with him" & "what's taking so long"??? In other words she regained the upper hand. She would always say "in due time" or "it's coming very soon, just trust me". Obviously that time never came. So I went through the heart break all over again. This time it hurt 100x worse. I tried NC again but this time I'd give in to her contact, I was too weak. She was hot and cold. One day it's "we're gonna do this and this and this" and then the next she'd act like I was bothering her. Then I went NC and tried to stay there. I gave into her contact every now and then but I ACTED indifferent (although I really wasn’t). I knew that I should have just cut her out totally but I couldn't.

 

So fast forward to tonight. We've been in LC (twice a week convos), I've been trying to get over her but I admit that I was holding onto hope. Tonight I decided to let her know that the contact had to cease totally because I can't handle the pain anymore.

 

Here's the instant messenger conversation: (took out the unimportant parts but never changed the content/ context)

 

Her: We havent hung out in so long

Me: I tried to contact you so that we could hang out and do things but you always left me hanging, always cancelled our plans

Her: i miss you so much, i realized that i've missed out on alot of new experiences with you. i kno you've been enjoying life way more than i have

Me: What, did you wanted me to go to ur place, mask and gun, and kidnap you?

Her: sure if you wanted to

Me: lol

Her: lol

Me: I tried. I really did. I ALWAYS called you or texted or something to try to get you to come places with me but you ALWAYS cancelled

Her: its jus bad timing i guess is what it was

Me: Bad timing EVERYTIME!?

Her: Sorry

Her: listen, i want to be with you, i really do, but like i keep saying i need to clear my head

Me: we keep going in this circle. you keep talking abt the same thing, about clearing your head, it doesnt make any sense. If you know you want me then what do you need to clear your head of?

Her: That's the thing, i'm not too sure

Me: u know what u want

Me: and im NOT what u want

Me: but for some reason u keep me strung along

Her: thats not true

Her: not i do not

Her: you kno what

Me: maybe because ur new relationship may or may not work

Her: im not gunna twist ur arm 2 believe me

Me: no, it's not abt twisting arms

Her: Just give me the chance

Me: Give you the chance for what? to do what?

Me: FOR THE LONGEST I WAITED FOR U

Me: if u wanted to be with me, u'd do anything in ur power to be with me

Her: if i didn't want to be with you we wouldn't be talking, i wouldnt still think about u day after day

Her: nite after nite

Her: i wouldnt look at daily things and attach them to the thought of you

Her: i obviously do care

Her: a lot more than u seem to see

Me: you may think abt me but that doesnt matter @ the end of it all. having someone's heart 100% and thinking abt them are two diff things. i'm sure u think of ur new guy day after day and nite after nite

Her: i suppose

Me: one day you'll realize how much you meant to me; how much I cared about you

Her: i realize that now

Her: maybe one day you'll realize the same

Me: nope, i wont realize it one day

Her: y

Me: because u're not with me! if u cared for me then u'd wanna be THE ONE for me

Her: u mean the world to me

Her: yet u cease 2 realize it

Her: I do want to be the one for you!

Me: Ok, I've had enough of this

Me: BECAUSE U DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!!!

Me: it's like a roller coaster ride

Me: up and down up and down

Me: u change ur mind, u're back n forth

Me: and the whole time im always left scratching my head. nothing has changed!

Her: not yet atleast. things will change. i realize that my actions havent shown it but they will

Me: I've heard it before

Me: I'm done, I need to let go 100%.

Her: why are you doing this?

Her: ugh

Me: i just gotta let go of u, not because i want to, rather because it would be to my detriment if i dont

Her: noo

Her: i do LOVE U

Her: I LOVE U MORE THAN I WILL EVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE

Me: yes, u love me as an individual. u love me as a fellow human being but not in the romantic sense anymore, it's ok to admit it, i'm fine with that

Her: ur the only person i see myself with for the rest of my life

Me: if we were meant to be then WE WOULD BE

Me: BUT WE'RE NOT

Her: we will be

Me: nooo we wont be because I'm letting go!!!!

Her: IM JUST ON A BREAK TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS

Her: PERIOD

Me: whatever, i'm going to refrain from talking to u calling, emailing, texting, etc...

Me: and i ask that u do the same

Her: No, I wont consent because i kno that there will be something between us again

Me: i dont care what u agree to

Me: if u wanted me u'd be with me

Me: period

Me: no one in their right mind (you) would want to be in a relationship with someone (me), have that person waiting arms wide open, and then chose to be away from them

Me: it doesnt make sense

Me: see at 1st I thought maybe u just needed to see what it was like to date someone else or whatever just so u could be sure

Her: yes and that was the case

Me: but then u said that u were done with that other guy. if u were done with him then u and i would be back together, picking up the pieces and moving forward

Her: if u dont want me to be a part of u anymore then ok

Me: WTF!!!

Me: IT'S YOU! DONT TURN IT ON ME!

Her: ok i wont

Her: u will always be my one and only true love that's all I know!

Me: I think you just get nostalgic sometimes and you just miss our memories but you dont miss me

Her: Whatever, I'm gonna go, you're making me cry so hard. we will be back together trust me. we were meant to be!

Her: i needed my time with some1 else

Her: i had it

Her: now i kno

Her: what i truly want

Me: Which is what youve been saying for the past 5 MONTHS!!!

Her: ok

Her: idk

Her: im sry

Her: im @ a lost for words

Her: all i know is i wanna spend my life with u

Her: i want to have children with no one but you

Me: please you are confusing me and i just have to let go

Her: plz dont

Her: dont give up, dont

Her: I gotta go, I'm crying too hard, I'll email you

Me: Please don't I won't read it.

Her: read it, I have to go, bye

Her: Love you

 

And that was that. So tough for me. I want nothing more than to have her back in my arms. We've been separated for 7 long months! I love this girl to death still. I know I came across soft in the im convo but I'm just so unsure what to do. I figure that she still has feelings but are they strong enough for us to work this out? I doubt so because I'm pretty sure she still talks to the other guy and not only that if she wanted to be with me then she would be.

 

Please someone talk some sense into me! I've been in this cycle long enough. I will only be better under two conditions: if her and I get back together and things are back to normal OR if I forget her completely. The problem is when I have her saying "I want you, I want to have kids with you", those things set me back. Even if I don’t talk to her, the lingering thought of her having even some feelings for me will keep me back.

Help me please

[nittanylion]

wow! What a long conversation. She wants her cake and eat it too. First you need to establish NC=no contact with her. You have to live your life and move on! If she said she loves you, she wouldnt be with the other guy. wtf? She is giving you mix messages. Dont wait for her!

 

I am not sure it's good thing for you to get back with her cause your relationship is fked up by her. The trust is broken. It will take a miracle to fix it. I dont think she wants to fix it. I think the relationship it's unfixable and damage. I think she loves you but not in love with you anymore. Sad but true.

 

The more you contact her, the more you push her away. Stop it! Stop begging her, you are pathetic. Dont give her the satisfaction that you need her. If you do, she takes advantage and manipulates your sorry azz. So, you need to stop this nonsense and move on. Its very hard to do but you have no choice. This is your last resort for your own health sake and peace of mind. JMO!

[BrownBear]

She is manipulating you, taking advantage of your love for her. You must go complete NC.

 

LC is NOT good enough - you will never escape if you operate under LC!!!

 

She says she loves you, wants only you, see's herself having your children ... I've got one question - Whose bed is she going to be sleeping in tonight?

 

My friend I know it's difficult, I went through something similar at the begining of this year....

 

You've got to think to yourself "Is having this women in my life beneficial to my well-being?" ... I think you know the answer.

 

Give her up - disappear - find yourself - there is something better out there for you - something new and shiny ...

 

Her words mean nothing, you should no longer trust them

 

Stay strong and you will find the path

[Benique]

You want to be with her.

She says she wants to be with you.

 

She behaved very badly to you when the real reason of breaking up with you was that another guy.

 

 

But ...you are still in love with her .

She is confused . She asks you for the period of time.

 

 

Watch what happens next .

Her real proof of her love to you will be quitting with another guy .

Nothing more .

 

 

Best of luck to you!

[BrownBear]

Benique its been 7 months ... do not give the man false hope! His ex refuses to leave her new man despite the fact she is supposedly in love with her ex.

 

Even if she does come back I strongly believe this relationship is beyond recovery. The poster must go NC and move on with his life. If she loved him like she said she does, she would have come back along time ago.

 

Give it up my man ... give her up

[EmperorR]

If she loves you she would be with you. My ex did the same crap to me except she cheated and dumped me and told me I want to be alone I can't handle a relationship a week later with someone new. I Went COLD NC, been 76 days and I feel great. If you go Cold NC you clear your mind and detoxify yourself from her and realize the person she is.

 

If soemone loves you they won't dump you, you know the saying ACTIONS speak louder than words. My ex cheated on me dumped me and had the nerve to say she still loves me. That is not love, what your ex is doing is not love either my friend. Her words are empty and meaningless. She's just stringing you along incase the relationship with this guy fails she has good old wmast for support.

[WiseOne1]

She really does seem to be confused, I mean legitimate, not just playing games, I really believe that she doesn’t know what she wants.

But.....She also seems to be keeping you incase the other guy and her doesn’t work out, she keeps saying that "soon"!!! As soon as he leaves her????

 

She might feel that her new BF is moving on or about to make a jump to another relationship, and she wants to hold on to him for some strange reason, If anyone's going to do the leaving her its going to be him.

It is true that if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you ASAP!!

 

Think about it, when you love someone your not going to let anything come in between each other, and you especially wont risk that person getting over you and finding someone else.

 

In the end you probably wont want her back, because the only way your going to get her back is if he breaks up with her, and then you wouldn’t want her back just because he’s not around anymore, you wouldn’t want her to be with you because she has no one else, you would want her to be with you because its her choice, and that’s what she simply could have done the last 7 months.

[wmast]

Thanks for all the responses. I realize that the post was very long so I appreciate you guys for taking time to read it.

 

I guess the hardest part of this all is the fact that she tells me she loves me and wants to be with me. I think I would be better off if I knew she was happy in a different relationship and the feelings for me weren't there. In my mind it's like this: I want her, she "says" she wants me, so what's the problem?? The problem is that she "says" she wants me but in her heart she's really unsure OR maybe she is sure that she doesn't want me as a bf but needs me as a friend so that's why she keeps me strung along. Either way I can't deal with it. I need to move on but I can't with all of that in the back of my mind. I'm going to go NC, when she tries to contact me I won't respond. But in the back of my mind, knowing that she still has feelings, if she calls I'll probably be thinking "is this the phone call that I was waiting for where she tells me she's ready to move forward"?

 

Nittaylion: Thanks for your response. I don't contact her at all, it's always her initiaing contact with me. I do realize that not getting what I want out of our contact is pathetic so I'll take your advice and go NC. Thanks!

 

BrownBear: Thanks for your response. What you said is 100% fact. She claims to want only me and have my children but yet she's with someone else. My question is why would she say all of that if it's not true. What's the point? I really wish I knew what was going on in her head. Yes, she is very detrimental to my health. I am and have been driving myself crazy and I'm ready to heal.

 

Benique: Thanks for your response. I think I've given her ample time to show me her love. I've been on hold for months now and nothing changes. She claims that things will change but I've seen no improvement. That right there tells me I should be moving on but for some reason I'm stuck.

 

EmperorR: Thanks for your response. You are right! I've stressed to her many times before that if she truly wanted to be with me she would be. And YES, actions most definitely speak louder than words. If I based how I thought she felt about me solely on her actions, I'd say we were more enemies than friends, and I'd say that's a very telling realization.

 

WiseOne1: Thanks for your response. She tells me that her and the other guy are simply incompatible. She says that he just doesn't compare to me. Also she says that her family dislikes him. With all that said I don't see why it's so hard for her to let go but obviously there is an issue with her letting go.

I feel like this- if I can't have her heart 100% then I don't want her @ all. This is because if her and I have an argument or have issues down the line, she'll be thinking about the other guy. That would KILL ME! I'd rather it be the other way around; i.e. she stays with the other guy, I don't get her, I move onto something else but atleast if they have issues she'll be thinking about me. I also agree that I probably won't be getting her back unless he dumps her or he cheats or hits her. Then in that case I become the backup plan. I've brought this idea to her attention too but she always says "you're the priority, you'll never be plan b". idk, she's just lost. I've tried giving her time and space but obviously it wasn't meant to be??? idk, I guess I'm just as lost as she is!

[Touche]

She says you'll never be plan B? But she's made you plan B by her very actions! Her words and actions don't match up at all.

 

You ask why she does this..I think it's all about her ego. She gets off knowing that she has the upper hand and she can do whatever she wants and can have you back at her whim.

 

Boy did you dodge a bullet in not marrying her! She's not only NOT ready for marriage, she's not even ready for a committed b/f - g/f relationship.

 

Stay away from her or it will only get worse. Even if she wants you back and finally gives up the other guy, I'd bet everything I have that she'll do the same thing to you again.

 

Stay strong. I didn't think you were wimpy in your IM with her at all. Stop engaging in conversations with her. They'll go nowhere. It will just be more of the same thing.

 

She's not the one for you. When you meet the right one, you don't have all this drama. It's true. Drama equals incompatibility. You're just not a match.

[WiseOne1]

I don't understand what she see's in him, she has to deal with the ex wife, meaning baby mama drama, she also cant start anything fresh with him, hes already been married, already has kids....3 at that.

 

If I was her I'd be scared to have sex with him, he already doesnt take care of his other 3 kids....Im sorry but this doesnt sound like upgrading 1 bit, shes downgrading, its kinda like have a Benz and then going to a metro. Its that bad.

 

So do you ever think that the time might come where she leaves him for you? Because the only way I can see her leaving him is if he cheats or hits her, and then you probably wouldnt want her still just because it was a heart decison, it was because he didnt want her anymore.

[chrisanderson]

I don't understand what she see's in him, she has to deal with the ex wife, meaning baby mama drama, she also cant start anything fresh with him, hes already been married, already has kids....3 at that.

 

If I was her I'd be scared to have sex with him, he already doesnt take care of his other 3 kids....Im sorry but this doesnt sound like upgrading 1 bit, shes downgrading, its kinda like have a Benz and then going to a metro. Its that bad.

 

So do you ever think that the time might come where she leaves him for you? Because the only way I can see her leaving him is if he cheats or hits her, and then you probably wouldnt want her still just because it was a heart decison, it was because he didnt want her anymore.

 

wow, she left you for a guy with kids? I must have missed that in your post; maybe it was in your previous posts. Yea man, forget her. How old is the other guy?

[WiseOne1]

OOOOOPPPSSSSS BiG MISTAKE, WRONG FORUM, wrong post!!!

 

TYPO....

[wmast]

wow, she left you for a guy with kids? I must have missed that in your post; maybe it was in your previous posts. Yea man, forget her. How old is the other guy?

 

No, the guy she left me for doesn't have any kids. WiseOne1 is confused with another story on the forums (which isn't hard to do since all of our stories are pretty much the same lol). He's 22, the same age as her and I.

[WiseOne1]

But what I did mean to say is ........................

 

So do you ever think that the time might come where she leaves him for you? Because the only way I can see her leaving him is if he cheats or hits her, and then you probably wouldnt want her still just because it was a heart decison, it was because he didnt want her anymore.

[wmast]

But what I did mean to say is ........................

 

So do you ever think that the time might come where she leaves him for you? Because the only way I can see her leaving him is if he cheats or hits her, and then you probably wouldnt want her still just because it was a heart decison, it was because he didnt want her anymore.

 

Exactly! I think she really wants to be with this guy but she just can't see a future there so I think she's just sticking it out with him as long as she can and when the honeymoon is over then she'll come back. That obviously is wrong and like you said it's not a heart decision; it's more like a last resort decision. Boy does that realization hurt!

[WiseOne1]

I understand 100% how you feel, you want her heart 100%, and if not you dont want her at all, which is understandable.

 

I've went thru this exact same thing before though, and she finally came back, but I didnt want her back anymore, she was a Virgin when she left and a pro porn star type when she came back, and I refused to take her back, because I knew it was only because if it wasnt for the guy leaving her then she would have never come back.

 

Also people use the words left overs to often, but thats 100% left overs, really! But I told her we should be friends, lol, im sorry. Yea but I can even remember her name anymore, that was so long ago......young days...

 

Bassically my point is, if you two do get back together, you have to be willing to put the past 100% behind you or you'd end up breaking up with her. And the past will haunt u. Because were so in love with the though of reconiling, once we finally get back together with a ex, anger and resistment comes into place, and you might have issues forgiving her for what she did to you.

[Vince Black]

Holy S*^t

 

Dude i feel for ya i do.

 

And it does sound like she needs to do some sorting out in her life and in her mind.

And to be honest it does sound like she loves you, and i would place my money on the fact that one day you will be back together.

 

Now to the part where you start hating Vince:

 

If I were you i would go grab my computer rip it out it and its cords and everything hooked up to it , walk over to the window, and throw that mother'fer out it.

 

While you are at it toss your phone too.

 

You are way too close to the situation and therefore the pain.

NC immediately is the only way to go.

It will help you get through the pain, better yourself and prepare yourself for a possible reunion in the future.

Seriously, you have to get away from it, as soon as possible.

Right now she thinks you are" her rolling wheels................and you need to be the highway."

Time. Give it time.

Let her miss you.

Let her understand what it's like for you to not be there.

And most importantly, better yourself in every way that you can.

[justaman99]

I think you handled yourself pretty well. You stood your ground and didn't let her walk all over you. Good for you man. I know it's hard but she ****ed up.

 

You are right that if she really wanted to be with you she would be, right here, right now. This talk of sometime soon and still being with this other guy is crap. And to test her love for you by dumping you and immediately ****ing some other guy while you're talking marriage? That's a load too. My belief is that if you love someone and you know you want to spend the rest of your life with them you just do. You don't have to test that out by screwing around with some guy. Let this one go. What is she gonna do when she has doubts again?

 

Also, in this day I believe 21 is too young to get married or be serious. We haven't really matured enough yet and don't really know who we are or where we are in life and even what we want. Good luck.

 

-Just

[wmast]

Thanks for the additional responses. Looking back I'm wishing that I just stayed NC from the beginning. I see a lot of posts with people having the same sentiment when they've been dragged thru the mud by their ex. If I stayed NC I would have been close to being healed by now, instead I'm here in pain. I know a lot of people probably wish they had their ex calling them telling them all the crap mine is telling me but I really wish mine was either wanting to work on it 100% or that she'd completely leave me alone. Oh well

[CaliGuy]

Put in a vote for me in the sense that if she REALLY wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be with this guy.

 

The true test of someone's heart is if their ACTIONS follow their words. Her's obviously do not and until the do, I wouldn't give her the time of day.

[BackonTrack2]

Actions speak louder than words

[wmast]

Actions speak louder than words

 

Well then my ultimate question is why the words? Her and I have been done for 7 months. Why continue to drag the breakup out?

[WiseOne1]

Now thats a good question, everyone wonders why there ex just doesnt stop with the contact and just stop with the words. However ex's do stop when they meet someone they really like, I think if a ex is still in contact with the ex, then there unhappy in there current relationship.

 

Just listen to what ex's say when they call, they talk about how there not happy or complain about there new BF or GF. People say ex's will forget about you once there happy though, thats when there moving on is 100% done, when they don't need you to be on the back burner because they've got something that they think can work.

 

Then again......maybe some ex's really miss there ex bfs without any strings attached.

 

I noticed the same thing with one of my ex's when she was happy with her new bf, she never contacted me! But when it started to go down hill, I got atlest 9 calls a day.

[wmast]

Now thats a good question, everyone wonders why there ex just doesnt stop with the contact and just stop with the words. However ex's do stop when they meet someone they really like, I think if a ex is still in contact with the ex, then there unhappy in there current relationship.

 

Just listen to what ex's say when they call, they talk about how there not happy or complain about there new BF or GF. People say ex's will forget about you once there happy though, thats when there moving on is 100% done, when they don't need you to be on the back burner because they've got something that they think can work.

 

Then again......maybe some ex's really miss there ex bfs without any strings attached.

 

I noticed the same thing with one of my ex's when she was happy with her new bf, she never contacted me! But when it started to go down hill, I got atlest 9 calls a day.

 

Agh! See that's what sucks about it all and thats why it's so hard for me to move on. Knowing that she still has feelings for me and isn't entirely happy in her new relationship keeps that hope alive in me! Like I said, I wish she was just happy in her new relationship that way I knew I had absolutely no chance.

[BCCA]

Agh! See that's what sucks about it all and thats why it's so hard for me to move on. Knowing that she still has feelings for me and isn't entirely happy in her new relationship keeps that hope alive in me! Like I said, I wish she was just happy in her new relationship that way I knew I had absolutely no chance.

 

She'll always have feelings for you, they just aren't going to be the feelings you want. And really, do you want her to 'realize' her feelings by leaving you for some other dude, doing god knows what with him, and then if it doesnt work, youll work as a back up?

 

Listen man, I know where youre at. She gives enough mixed signals that you cant really make a definitive decision, right? I went through this for almost 2 YEARS! And in the end, you know what? My first instinct, and what most everyone here has said, turned out to be the truth: she wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.

 

Instead of worrying about your chances, you should just look at it like I view my ex situation: SHE has no chance with ME. It's been 7 months, how many times do you need her to kick you in the nuts before you see she doesnt have your best interests in mind?

 

She wants to know that A) someone out there cares, and she has a shoulder to cry on, and B) that you dont hate her. Nothing more. Any talk about being back 'someday' is a flat out lie. Yeah, youre the one she loves and the only one she sees herself with, but yet, she broke it off and is with someone else. See how nonsensical this reall is?

 

Close the door from your side and never look back. She seems confused and unsure, but above all else, she's being really unfair and selfish to you. You dont need that.