Unhealthy obsession

[RubySoho]

My boyfriend and I are very much in love, we have amazing fun together, make each other roar laughing, have mindblowing sex and spend as much time as possible together. We have always been very open with each other about our past relationships and we have discussed our exes in great depth – I think we were both simply very curious.

 

This was all fine and healthy up until a few months ago when he told me he had begun to feel insecure about the fact that I had shared too much about some of the men I had slept with. I felt awful and guilty, but reminded him that he had told me about his ex partners in detail also. Since then I have not mentioned my exes at all and everything seemed to be back to a happy state.

 

Then, about a few weeks ago I started to obsess over his last ex, Nicola who he was with a couple of years before Steve (my bf) and I got together. It was a four month holiday fling in New Zealand that ended because Steve had to return home to England. She was 20, five years younger than him and was an easy going, fun person. He could have stayed and extended his visa but felt that his commitments at home were too great for him to change his plans. So he chose to leave her. He was really depressed and gutted when it had to end and she has since had a special place in his heart. Whilst he always says he has never been happier than he has since he’s been with me, I cant help but wonder if he had more fun with Nicola than he does with me. He often recalls detailed anecdotes about her and the things she said, he has many photos of her on his computer and has made her sound like a great person, one I really don’t want to be bitter about.

 

At first I was happy for Steve that he had this romantic experience but now I find myself agonising about her constantly. I am always on his Facebook just so I can trawl through her profile and stare at all the images she has of herself, wondering pointlessly who is more attractive out of the two of us. I can see that she is pretty, but I also know that I am equally attractive and have always received lots of attention from men. I know that what I am doing is ridiculous and that I should leave her in the past, but each time she crops up in conversation I feel a stab of jealousy and entertain stupid thoughts about how he must be ‘making do’ with me, even though I know this isn’t true at all. I see her grinning and showing off in her pictures (and why shouldn’t she?), and I just despair at how complicated and neurotic I must be compared to her, even though I’ve never met her.

 

Since I’ve been with Steve (six months) I have felt so vibrant and sexy, as if I am a new person. I cant believe that something as seemingly trivial as this is driving me so nuts and stealing back all my new found confidence. Do I need to talk to him about this and tell him that it is getting me down? I know that if he found out how I felt he would be horrified and probably never mention her again. But the reason why I haven’t brought it up yet is because I hate the thought of making him censor what is on his mind, I want him to talk freely and not feel like he has to suppress his thoughts for the sake of my insecurities. Any advice or comments would be so much appreciated. Thankyou.

[loveratud]

I can't believe he would put you in that position: telling you stories about the fun they had, and forcing you to look at pictures of her on facebook all day. You should ditch this guy ASAP, it sounds like he's putting you through hell.

[Vertex]

You need to stop worrying. Insecurities over the past often cause more problems than the past ITSELF would.

 

You two are together now. So, enjoy each other in the present sense. You guys have had a combination of pasts that have led you up to this point. You've both undoubtedly had good times with your exes, but you need to realize that those pasts have come to a close. You guys are together now, and since, as you say, the relationship is otherwise great, treat this as a good thing.

 

Past experiences often teach us a lot about what we want and don't want in a relationship.

 

So, think of this as the best pairing made so far It doesn't matter how much fun he may have had with his ex. He's with you now. Try to keep the discussions about exes to a minimum, look forward, smile, and enjoy one another -- make your relationship the best it can be.

[brokenboy]

tough spot to be in, but you should be proud of yourself for recognizing the problem... and that it is *your* problem (or issue). I think I'd tell him if you did it to gain his support and help. if you're doing it to pester for details, then it's likely you'll end up feeling worse - it's a dead end, really.

 

But overall, I think I have similar obsessions from time to time... I think it's also "normal" and ok to feel a little insecure about your partners past experiences. What isn't normals (and is quite frankly very irrational and destructive) is the amount of importance one puts on those thoughts, having them always in teh forefront of your mind. that is, I believe, where the hickup occurs. it's horrible I'm sure... but you can work it out.

[Winnie B.]

First of all , Congratz that you are fine together .

Secondly , Very good that you have been so open to each other .

Thirdly , you are not abnormal,most people act same way like you and would be jealous like you .

 

 

So,

summing up you had made a little mistake telling each other about your exes , no need at all

Love is not measured by her or his or her or his or else someone`s APPEARANCE:), though sppearance plays its role in attracting,but once you are fine with each other , the role of appearance decreases . That does not mean that you do not need to look after yourself ,to stop making yourself up and so on and etc` , but love is something deeper than just an appearance, so stop torturing youself by looking at your and her pictures ,

and a big red flag to your Steve : he has to make as less contact with her as possible

[RubySoho]

Hi,

 

Thankyou to everyone for their thoughts. Yes, Vertex and brokenboy I see what you are saying - when niggling insecurities get blown out of proportion they become much more destructive than the original cause of them.

 

In order to prevent this happening (as I can see that if I keep worrying like this I am going to start feeling very possessive over him) I've decided from reading the replies that I am going to tell him how I feel.

 

I know he doesn't have a clue about my worrying over this girl because we have talked in depth about so many other exes (both mine and his) and had a good laugh about most of them. Still, I know it is important that we are honest with each other and I think he would hate the idea of me keeping negative feelings like this to myself. I hope that he will give me the reassurance that I think I need.