saving a long distance relationship?

[freeflying]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, but a majority has been spent apart. He is a grade younger than me and we went through struggles when I was going off to college and he was still in high school, but we made it through. However, now that he is going off to college soon, the tables have turned.

 

Over the summer, he was afraid I was going to forget him and leave him for someone new in college. We spent every day with each other and then I finally had to leave in August. I reassured him that I still loved him and would never leave his side by calling him daily and texting him frequently. Every night ended with an "I love you and I can't wait to see you soon."

 

During the month of November, he was constantly stressed about college applications and I did my best to support him while surviving my first quarter in college and maintaining a parttime job. Our phone calls became less frequent because I assumed he needed more sleep (he lives in the east coast and I am studying in the west). But now, he hardly ever calls me or even texts me. We no longer have phone sex or have conversations over webcam.

 

The lack of communication left me insecure and I was afraid he was growing tired of me. But whenever I left him a voicemail or a short e-mail saying "I'm thinking of you," he would respond immediately the next day and would lavish me with love. Even when I'm on AIM and I don't IM him first, he always messages me, even though our conversations are brief.

 

Even though he still contacts me first, our fightings have been getting worse and worse. We've fought constantly for the past 2 weeks and I don't know what to do anymore. He still says he loves me, but our fights are becoming more ridiculous. We are always yelling how the other doesn't understand and how the arguments are stupid... before I went off to college, he would always chase after me first with an apologetic tone. Now? He doesn't even care if we don't speak for a day or the fact that I'm ignoring him.

 

We will not be going to the same colleges because of the difference in our careers. I will remain in the west coast while he applied for colleges in the east and now I'm becoming even more skeptical about how long our relationship will last. I'm trying very hard to apologize first and keep reminding him that I love him, but I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Is there any way to keep the relationship going? I know we're young, but this is the relationship I am having now and I want to focus on US.

[Frankasy]

First of all congratz on picking a younger bf. I pick older girls than myself so I respect your decision with age differences.

Well until the last paragraph everything sounded normal. He might not call you that often since he's probably busy applying for college and fights happen sometimes especially in long distance relationships. I mean the more time you two spend away from each other, the more you become suspicious of each other and sometimes have ridiculous fights (I've had the same situation) so I repeat everything until here is pretty normal.

Now the problem is that you know that he's going to study somewhere else, not with you in the same school in other words the current situation is gonna continue with the only difference being that he's gonna be in college too. If you can't see yourself having a future with him than I would suggest that you break up with him before one of you gets hurt. Since you love him try to look at all the options before breaking up. Try to find an opportunity for you two to be together. If it's impossible, I'm sorry but than your relationship is pretty much useless.

Please let me know how it goes since I was pretty much in the same situation as you guys and don't worry, you're not young to think about this stuff.

[Island Girl]

Even though he still contacts me first, our fightings have been getting worse and worse. We've fought constantly for the past 2 weeks and I don't know what to do anymore. He still says he loves me, but our fights are becoming more ridiculous. We are always yelling how the other doesn't understand and how the arguments are stupid... before I went off to college, he would always chase after me first with an apologetic tone. Now? He doesn't even care if we don't speak for a day or the fact that I'm ignoring him.

 

If you'd like the relationship to continue then you'll have to move on to a more mature level. The "stupid" fights happen for a reason. Usually insecurities which can be happening on both sides.

 

You are measuring his actions now against actions before. I grant you that sometimes that is helpful to determine if someone is losing interest, etc. But in your case he does not seem to be pulling away. He still responds to you in a supportive and loving way when you IM.

 

It is the last part of the paragraph that I quoted above that is a problem. You say he'd chase after you first - and that he doesn't seem to care if you are ignoring him.

This is incredibly immature and death to a LD relationship. He is long distance and has a whole world going on - as do you. The days of ignoring and waiting for him to always rush after you need to be over. That isn't the way it is in a relationship that will stand the test of time (and distance!). You have to be completely honest about how you feel. So does he. Talk from your heart. Be vulnerable. Even though it may be difficult this will allow your relationship to grow and the useless fighting will stop. Communication is the key.

 

One quick fix is to start using more "I" statements when you are upset.

I feel... or I think... Not the "you" statements that are accusatory and can put the other person on the defensive.

 

Hope that helps. Also, unlike the poster above suggests, LD relationships CAN last even through not seeing each other for really, really long periods of time. (I should know!) It is the commitment on both sides that matters.

[Frankasy]

Hope that helps. Also, unlike the poster above suggests, LD relationships CAN last even through not seeing each other for really, really long periods of time. (I should know!) It is the commitment on both sides that matters.

 

I know that long distance relationships can work, that's not what I said, read my post carefully. What I said was that since she's studying in the west coast and her boyfriend will be studying in the east, 2 complete opposites which means that they'll probably have even less time to see and talk to each other(Longer distance, the education is now college and not high school meaning less free time etc). If you can't see a future with your partner than the relationship is pretty much useless(Normal relationships let alone LD ones) but like I said to the author of this thread, be sure to see all the possible chances of you two being together before deciding that it's impossible.

[amerikajin]

I know that long distance relationships can work, that's not what I said, read my post carefully. What I said was that since she's studying in the west coast and her boyfriend will be studying in the east, 2 complete opposites which means that they'll probably have even less time to see and talk to each other(Longer distance, the education is now college and not high school meaning less free time etc). If you can't see a future with your partner than the relationship is pretty much useless(Normal relationships let alone LD ones) but like I said to the author of this thread, be sure to see all the possible chances of you two being together before deciding that it's impossible.

 

I pretty much agree with this.

 

Nobody's saying that LDR's can't work, but let's not kid ourselves, there's a lot of risk involved. Some people have an extraordinarily high tolerance for physical distance in a relationship, but even the most committed of people at first will go through periods where they begin to question their own desire to continue a relationship over the phone and the internet. For most people it becomes a matter of looking at a pen-pal relationship versus the potential to develop something even more intimate with people they regularly spend time with. That doesn't mean that these individuals lack resolve or character; it is what it is.

 

Having said that, it is extremely important for both people in a long-distance relationship to pay constant attention to their feelings. None of what I have said should be interpreted to mean 'You might as well throw in the towel now, 'cause it ain't gonna work' -- not so. As Island has pointed out, these relationships can indeed work out if both people are on the same page. But both people have to know that they're on the same page, and they have to be honest with each other if things change. I think the level of commitment to keeping a relationship going may be influenced by a number of external factors, but ultimately, it's just a matter of how committed the two individuals are to each other. LDRs almost always entail major sacrifices by either one or even both people in the relationship. The question seems to be one of whether the individuals believe their personal sacrifices are worth making to continue the relationship with the other person.