My husbands family meddles in our marriage

[pwincess]

My husband and I are married for almost 11 months. We live about 15 minutes away from his family and 2000km away from mine. I don't have any friends or family here. His family always meddles in our relationship and it causes problems. We decided to drive to my family instead of flying. His brother came to hear of this and hates the idea. He ran with the news to his mother. He kept forcing her to do something about it and she said, "Don't worry I know how to sway his mind." Later that evening he came to visit us. While my husband stepped out for a few minutes, he started attacking me. He told me that I better change my husbands mind, or else and to do it when hes not around!!! This scared me alot and it was not the first time he threatened me. I was so scared that I started giggling to overcome my nerves. Then he goes on to tell me, why are you laughing, its not a joke. Lucky my husband came in and the subject changed. His brother knows that my husband is very strict and set in his ways and not even I can sometimes change his mind. He wants me to do this while he is not around so my husband will get angry at me and not him. While he was still there, he received a phone call. A few minutes later he takes my husband outside to tell him something. My husband comes in and says he has to go. I asked where and he said to his mother because her new husband is fighting with her. Am I a monster that he could not talk to my husband in my presence? I was very hurt and felt like an outsider. He always does this to me but when my husband and I fight, their whole family comes to know and starts interfering. If they want their privacy, why don't they give us ours? A few days before we got married he threatened me. He sent my husband a message saying that I better watch my back because I don't know what family I'm getting myself into. This made me hysterical and I almost called the wedding off. Their sister has a baby and he loves me so much. He always likes to be around me and likes me to hold him. As soon as he sees me with the baby he comes and takes him away. This really hurts me and makes me feel like I'm dirt. Also my phone broke and I did not have one so their mother lent me her spare. Both his brother and sister knew this. While the whole family gathered together for their step-fathers birthday party, they started going on about how their mother does not have a phone and how sorry they feel for her. This made me ask my father to buy me a new phone. When I speak to my husband about my problems with his family, he says that I take things the wrong way. He does not want to take my side or at least comfort and reassure me. Instead he fights with me and makes me feel bad. I am really depressed and don't have anyone to turn to. Please help me.

[Geishawhelk]

Let me put this very bluntly.

Nothing is going to change here except for the worse.

You are under a controlling husband, within a controlling family.

You are, and always will be, an outsider, and the hostility is both persistent and continuous.

 

You might be able, through MC to gain some kind of communication with your H. But not with his family so close and influential. And there's no way you'll ever be able to effect changes within his family.

 

You're into a no-winner here.

 

I hate to say it, but you need to make secret, personal plans to leave, and get away from them as quickly as you can.

I don't care if it means leaving without belongings and clothing.

 

You may be able to hatch a plan with your family, and get back to them.

But really, you're in a dead-end marriage.

[carhill]

OP, are you of a different culture than your husband?

 

I ask this because we have a niece who married a young man of middle eastern (Lebanese Armenian, to be precise) decent and I see a lot of parallels, except that he and his wife present a unified front to his very strong-willed and invasive family. It was so bad that my wife and I had to stand in for his parents at the last minute during certain functions of their wedding ceremony. I mean, it was really bad.

 

I regret to say that I'm of similar perspective as Geishawhelk regarding your options. This is likely a no-win situation for you. Based on our experiences, if you're in a cross-cultural marriage with this dynamic, MC likely wouldn't work. If same culture but just with a controlling family, it has a chance but H would have to fully willing. Part of being willing is to see and accept his family's faults. That's really tough to do. Trust me I know...

 

I hope you'll remain here for support and find some IRL as well. This isn't something one should go through alone. Best wishes!

[Benique]

If you stay with him,you will spoil the best years of your life ,

and getting older you will regret ...

[pwincess]

we are of different cultural backgrounds. i am indian and he is mixed race. i was trying to avoid them for about three to four months. did not visit or include them in my plans and things were great then we started mixing with them again and its gone sour.

[Artu]

Exclude them from your family life as much as you can.

[carhill]

OP, FWIW, based on your further comments, distance might work for you if you can actively exclude his family; perhaps a better word is you are "busy". Our niece and her H decided to remain at a distance (I recall them even mentioning it purposefully, prior to getting married) from his family, even though their professions allowed them to live most anywhere. If they lived as close as you currently do, his family would've been "over" every day, multiple times.... Babysitting their kids, rearranging their house; you name it

 

My understanding is his parents have never even seen their new grandson, nearly a year old now. That's a really big (and very negative) deal, I'm told. Males are very important in his culture.

 

The pivotal factor here is your H. He really needs to cleave to his wife (and respect you) and stand up to his family. If he doesn't, IMO, your M is doomed.

[pwincess]

thank you guys for all your support, it really means alot to me and it feels good that there are people out there that i can talk to. im so glad i found this site.

[Mary3]

This hateful family does not like your race ( I would venture to guess ) and are driving you away from them and your husband. They want you GONE !

 

I am going to guess they do not accept you and never will. What a hard place to be.

 

Either take your husband and MOVE many hundreds of miles away from the on slaughter of this family or get ready to EXIT it yourself because this family does not want you in it.

 

I am very sorry.

[pwincess]

i wish we could move away from them, he wants to go overseas where he could earn 5 times what hes earning now but we cant. the reason is that i am currently doing my phd. once i am done with that we are moving. the new story with them is that they want the brother (who is absolutely annoying) to drive with us. how stupid is that. we are newlyweds and we should experience this on our own. my husband is totally against what they are trying to do and they are calling me to get to him and to convince my parents that it is not a good idea for us to drive there alone. my husband told me to ignore them and not let their interference ruin our marriage but it keeps bothering me. i am even having nightmares about this.

[carhill]

Let them (any everyone else) talk to the answering machine/VM. There's no requirement that you answer the phone or the doorbell.

[Mary3]

I agree with carhill. They are obviously trying to sabotage your new marraige. Don't talk to these hateful people anymore.

 

They have made it clear you are not wanted.

 

Its ridiculous for his brother to drive across with you...

DO NOT take more calls.

[sb129]

Whats their problem with you driving 2000km?

Whats it to them?

 

They sound horrific.

 

At least you and your H are standing firm about your decision to drive. Aren't you?

 

 

I shudder to think what it will be like once you have kids. You definitely need to move. With or without your H.