devestated

[worlybear]

I am a complete mess. Married for 26 years with 5 kids (4 grown-up +7 yr old.) I have just found out that my husband is having an affair. To make it worse we both work at the same school in a small community and she is a parent governor. Apart from the hurt from the relationship break up we are both very well known in the area and the humiliation is immense.

I don't know how to move forward.

He wants to move out but says he doesn't want to move in with her.

I feel that I will never trust anyone ever again.

[amaysngrace]

This is a sad situation. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't really know what to say because I can't relate. Just one phrase comes to mind:

 

That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

 

((hug))

[worlybear]

thanks for listening. it helps a little.

[trex]

I'm so sorry to hear the devastating news. The best piece of advice I can give you is to go through the posts on this site. It will help you cope with the pain your going through and will give you a bit of clarity of how to approach this difficult situation.

 

Also, if your not on this site... be with people as much as you can! Having a support system of family and friends to help you during this time is ESSENTIAL. All the info on this site is amazing, but having a close friend to listen to you can't be replaced.

 

My heart is with you.

[Geishawhelk]

School life is extraordinarily insular, and the insider gossip is truly crippling.

If this is common knowledge, you have every right to write to the Chair of the Governing Body and request they relieve the parent governor of her post.

 

I don't know what your husband's role is there, but at least separating her from school activities will remove her from the location with no good excuse to be there, and will energise the school into doing something concrete.

 

I used to be a Parent Governor at my children's school, so i know this can be done.

 

Muster all the dignity and self-respect you can,. and don't be a party to gossip, hearsay or tittle-tatle.

If anyone approaches you, the best way to handle it would be to say that naturally, you have your opinion, but decorum and dignity prevent you from making public comment.

 

Take courage.

Be dignified, and yes, find a small, discreet select group of freinds and relatives who can support you and in whom you can confide.

Take care.

[worlybear]

thanks for the replies.its not a simple situation.my husband is the head and our 7 year old attends the school. if i pursue the governors it could well impact on my husbands job and that in turn would penalise my family.

i also work there part-time. i just can't see a way forward.

[Geishawhelk]

This is outrageous.

 

All the more reason to approach the Chair of Governors.

Essentially speaking, the Governing Body are responsible for the tenor and standards of the school, from teaching to admin to discipline.

I'm sorry, it's vital you do something about this.

His actions are heinous, for a man in his position and responsibility.

If he thinks you wouldn't dare do something, you should leave him in no doubt of your fury. Ask him to either resign, or you will report him to the Education Authorities.

He is grossly abusing his power and position.

He really should have thought of the consequences, before embarking on such a stupid and reckless affair.

 

Please, please do something.

He is responsible for children, and their moral upbringing.

This cannot be allowed to continue.

 

I cannot believe he would be so stupid!!

 

I'm so furious!

I know how much work and effort the Governing Body puts into keeping the school buoyant - for him to do something of this nature leaves me fuming!!

[Athena]

He wants to move out but says he doesn't want to move in with her.

.

 

Yea Right. Of course not. How could he want to move in with his lover?! ...hmm, let's see -- mysteriously he just wants to move out somewhere, and wait for the fuss to cool down before he divorces you and sets up home with her. My belief is that he is trying to 'look good' to the community by moving out, before moving in with OW. He just doesn't want the repercussions of being known as the principal who left his wife and five kids for that OW.... so he thinks he can pull the wool over your eyes by doing it in TWO steps ---Ha! -- EXPOSE the F$#**r NOW so that he faces the consequences of his actions. Oh -- and I am sure he then won't find Ms. OW quite as attractive as that... men value their careers more than the mistress.

 

I get what you say about him losing his job, when you both still have a 7 yr old financially dependent on you... but maybe he should have considered that when he was enjoying his affair.

 

Look -- it's a small town, it's a small school community -- do you honestly think there are not, and will not be, rumors?! People are not stupid... they put two and two together... point is, I believe you are aiding and abetting your H to leave you and your 7 yr old by not exposing him to the school board... He should at least try end it with her and work things out with you for your child's sake!

 

If I were you, I would report him. Only bad can come if you let him get away with it by allowing him to walk away scott-free! -- you will then most definitely lose him if you let him run away from his problems... make him stay and face the music, for crying out loud -- I am sure he makes HIS pupils do that for lessor crimes!

[worlybear]

thanks for all the advice/support. went to see him today. he says that she is not what he wants. He has been unhappy for ages and she flattered him. he knows that he has hurt us all and alienated the 4 eldest.

they have told him exactly what they think of him.

he is currently staying with the oldest son and looking for somewhere to stay.he swears that he does not want to be with her.

he knows that he is not welcome back home and he can't stay with son forever.

i hurt so much. despite everything i would like to try again but i know that this is not the right thing to do at the moment.

still not decided what i want to do about school/governors. it may be decided for me as they now know and i will watch and see what happens.

[jwi71]

Worly,

 

It isn't about the OW (other woman). She is nothing. Truly. It isn't a competition or that she is somehow better is some regards. Its about him. I actually believe him when he says he doesn't want the OW - oh he may run there out of loneliness and the "nowhere else to go" factor but that would be all.

 

If I were you I would:

1) MAKE NO DECISIONS FOR 30 DAYS

2) Tell the world. An A(ffair) can only exist in darkness and secrecy. Time to shed some light on this. Time for YOU to know who else was part of this little conspiracy (if anyone else knew). Time to find out how deep this rabbit hole is - and if she is the first or even only OW (there may be others).

3) Get a lawyer for advice ONLY. Learn the law and get a lawyer. Do NOT file anything, just get a legal advocate on YOUR side.

4) Get a therapist. Talk to a pro about your feelings. Trust me on this.

 

Right now, just survive. Breathe. Eat. Sleep. Bathe. One day at a time for now.

[Owl]

GW has given you some great advice.

 

Follow it.

 

It's not about penalizing the family...it's about letting your H and the OW suffer the consequences of their actions.

 

Given what they've done, NEITHER should be in the positions they hold at this point, and you know it. If he weren't your H, you wouldn't be so hesitant to take action to have him removed, would you?

[Owl]

I also wanted to recommend a couple of good book resources...

 

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

Another good resource is "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman.

[schewter]

Worlybear...I really feel for you and yours. How reckless of your lad to not have the foresight to appreciate the devastation this nonsense would cause on so many diffeent levels...tell you one thing though, you have NO reason to feel shame, embarrassment, humiliation etc....those are for him and OW...you walk into that school and stick your nose as far in the air as you possibly can...let them slink around with their heads down. Do it a couple of times and you'll begin to look forward to being there. Good luck.

[worlybear]

thanks everyone.your support is tremendous.it really helps to know that you are out there. i'm just going to live each day as it comes.

[misternoname]

For what it's worth I experienced something similar. We live in a Country Club community. My wife had an affair with a friend of mine who's family are also members of the club. At first I was the one embarassed by the situation. Closed communities are notorious gossip mills...I loathed being the "gossip de jour." Over time I realized that although it is embarassing, the vast majority of those in the know sympathized with me and the OM's spouse. Eventually your husband and the OW will get what's coming to them. My only advice is to hold your head high and maintain your dignity. As others have posted, get into therapy with or without him. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. As hard as my situation was, I know I'll emerge a stronger, happier more confident person. Hang in there!

[worlybear]

The governors now know. Had a really hard day yesterday.Went into school for the xmas lunch. He is not currently in school due to a minor operation. Chair of Govs has already called a meeting. She is very sympathetic but also has to put the school first. I feel sick. What will happen if he loses his job? She is aware of this but to a large extent it is out of her hands. She has guaranteed my part time job for next term as agreed previously. They are going to speak with him a.s.a.p.

Went to see him yesterday a. m after dropping daughter at school. Had a long ,long chat . Bottom line is i still love him and i feel if we all shut him out he will have nowhere else to go but to her. He is beating himself up.Just wants to be alone.Family have all rallied round and are prepared to help. Governors said yesterday they too,thought he has been ill/breakdown and they had noticed his volatile behaviour etc. They regret not acting on it.

Please post.

[Owl]

You did the right thing. He MIGHT run to OW if he feels he has nowhere to go...or, he might very well attempt to actually fix things if he finally gets to a point where he's truly suffering the consequences of his choices to cheat.

 

Hang in there...take care of yourself and your family.

 

And...remember....you did NOTHING wrong here. HE DID. And any fallout is a result of HIS CHOICE TO CHEAT...and nothing else.

[worlybear]

he came round last night with a birthday card for son . he is hurting from the remarks/truths the kids made. i made it clear that he could see the family at xmas but i did not feel up to planning that far ahead. had a civilised conversation as i feel that recriminations are not productive. he made it clear he was dreading xmas ,felt the future was bleak. is travelling north to see his mum next week .

 

he texted me this morning and brought wood for fire etc. don't know if it is just guilt. felt there was progress but then the phone call came.

Governors have said that they don;t want me to work for the last week of term but will pay me. They have also told ow that she cannot come in either. They felt it was in the best interests of the school./staff. They haven't set up meeting yet with husband. I can understand it but its hard because it means that i will not be leading my daughters play as usual .

He was here when call came and could see how upset i was. he took all the blame and hugged me but he still won't completely end it with ow.

the meeting now looms large and if i have been asked not to attend school it looks like its going to be a tough meeting and i dread the out come. despite everything i would stand by him .

will update when i know more.

thanks for your support. please keep posting.

[Owl]

Did you ask them why YOU were being punished for an indiscretion that YOU had no control over?

 

I'd challenge their decision. You've done nothing wrong...do they have any basis NOT to allow you to work this trrough?

 

I can see them not bringing OW into work...or your H. But YOU did nothing wrong, and shouldn't just accept their choice to punish YOU here.

[jwi71]

They asked YOU to not come in?

 

Choices:

 

1) Fight. Hire a lawyer and threaten to sue them from wrongful termination. A green wet behind the ears lawyer could easily make the case that you were terminated for "rocking the boat". They have NO grounds to terminate you.

 

2) Go Public. Call all the local news and tell them what happened. Reporters love a good story and your H banging another employee and you get fired is a great one. The injustice angle plays well with the public. Not to mention this is a school. Even better.

 

3) Slink away with your tail between your legs like some shamed dog. Lose your H (which is good) and your job (not good). How much more are you willing to lose? How much more will be taken from you before you stand up for yourself and what is right.

 

YOU did NOTHING WRONG.

 

Stand up and fght for your job, your future and your self respect. Sorry but its a real fight now and the lines are clearly drawn.

[81West]

What are 'school governors'? And why do they have this kind of power? Unless you have done something unprofessional in your response to this how can anyone see burdening you with the behaviour of others as the right thing to do?

[worlybear]

sorry i didn't make it clear. The governors have not fired me, i have a new contract for the school next term which they will honour , they just felt that it would be best for the children and staff and give me some space to come to terms with things ,i'm just sad because i won't get to work with my daughter and all the children.

They haven't set up a meeting yet with my husband but i expect he will be asked not to go in too. They have said that the situation is intolerable and it needs to be addressed before next term and that things must change.i get that.

In England governors are appointed to assist the headteacher with the running of the school and are responsible for the childrens welfare. They have the power to hire but i think if they want to fire they have to take it to a higher level .they are trying to resolve it in school for the sake of the schools reputation and to try and minimise wider public humiliation for me and my family.

i know its in the schools best interests but it still hurts like hell.

i feel like a skittle ball every time i try to get up i get knocked back again.

i'm going ahead with xmas for the family's sake but i'd much rather miss it out all together. feeling rotten tonight ,just waiting for the next punches.

[Geishawhelk]

The Board of Governors cannot permit themselves to be led by emotional factors, they have to act purely upon the practical, and deflect any negative implications for the school.

 

I know it's tough to hear that, but they are trying to act in the most professional manner possible.

 

It must have been extremely difficult for them to come to any decisions, but a Governing Body is made up primarily of parents of children at the school. However, some Governor posts are appointed without parental vote, and these posts are filled by people who can bring a professional slant and talent to the table, acting in an advisory capacity.

Some of these people will doubtless have a handle on the legal and judicial, disciplinary implications.

 

Worly, please try to trust them to do the right thing by you, and for that matter, your husband.

They will deall with the matter with the utmost discretion and professionalism.

 

I understand people advising you to expose the matter publicly, via the press, but this really would be emotionally driven, rather than serve any practical purpose. In the long run, this would make matters far, far worse.

 

However, I really would be up in arms about this:

 

he took all the blame and hugged me but he still won't completely end it with ow.

 

This is completely unacceptable, and he MUST end it immediately, if he is to hope for any positive outcome. Both as a head Teacher and a Husband.

[Athena]

Worlybear,

 

It's fine that you are still prepared to stand by your H, but really, it IS best for him that he faces the music.

This will serve to make him into a better man in the long run, if only he will allow himself to learn from this and to be better for it.

 

Does his operation have anything to do with adding stress on him and making him act out, and in a way that he normally wouldn't have? What caused him to veer off his normal way of being? If the governors say they could see him become unstable, does this indicate a mental issue, or reaction to mid-life crisis?

 

In any event, he is a grown adult and needs to be accountable for his own decisions and choices. You of course may choose to stand by him, but it's for HIM to face and sort out and learn from. This is his path.

Anyone can make a bad decision (or make mistakes or do wrong) but it's HOW THEY GO ABOUT MAKING IT RIGHT that counts. It's in his hands now.

[jwi71]

The Board of Governors cannot permit themselves to be led by emotional factors, they have to act purely upon the practical, and deflect any negative implications for the school.

 

I know it's tough to hear that, but they are trying to act in the most professional manner possible.

 

It must have been extremely difficult for them to come to any decisions, but a Governing Body is made up primarily of parents of children at the school. However, some Governor posts are appointed without parental vote, and these posts are filled by people who can bring a professional slant and talent to the table, acting in an advisory capacity.

Some of these people will doubtless have a handle on the legal and judicial, disciplinary implications.

 

Worly, please try to trust them to do the right thing by you, and for that matter, your husband.

They will deall with the matter with the utmost discretion and professionalism.

 

I understand people advising you to expose the matter publicly, via the press, but this really would be emotionally driven, rather than serve any practical purpose. In the long run, this would make matters far, far worse.

 

However, I really would be up in arms about this:

 

 

 

This is completely unacceptable, and he MUST end it immediately, if he is to hope for any positive outcome. Both as a head Teacher and a Husband.

 

We are going to have to disagree. I'm in the US so if I a completely off the mark with UK education, its ignorance and feel free to disregard my post.

 

If the board is going to look after the school's best interests it may be at the expense of worlybear. That makes it entirely possible that worly gets "fired", the ow gets "fired" and the philandering SoB stays on board, reputation and job intact.

 

Why does worlybear need time off but her lying cheating SoB of a hubby does not? Why did the board decide that? Does the ow need time off too?

 

Sorry, but she is about to get steamrolled. The board is NOT her friend. If this is left to the board's decision - they will perserve her H and throw her to the wolves. He is far more valuable to the school than she is. So she loses her job and this whole mess is swept under the carpet. I have seen this happen far too mant times in the corporate world.

 

In fact, IME, the only time a squeaky wheel doesn't "pay for it" is if that wheel makes a whole lot of noise. Or has upper level supprt. Or both.

 

I think worly needs to fight for herself. And that means make a big stinnk, to her H, the ow and especially the board.