devestated

[pelicanpreacher]

Have a good cry for your stbx husband dealt a despicably selfish blow to you and all of your children. Cry until the tears will no longer come and hold your 7 year old tightly for your child needs reassurance now more than ever that all will be alright. Beware that you don't slip into depression though for you will need a sharp mind and light feet to manuever your new landscape so please marshall all of your strength and courage to face these new challenges head on. Although the economy is weak and job opportunities scarce you must survive so open your eyes and mind to new opportunities and grit your teeth in determination to succeed at all costs. If you can land on your feet and thrive on your own without your husband's financial support after the strife you've endured then nothing your husband does or says in the future can ever bring you down again and you'll be able to see him as the pathetic and contemptuous little man that he's turned out to be.

[soserious1]

Worleybear I've been following your posts and your pain is palpable. I really wish this wasn't happening to you.

 

As for the physical violence, well, you lost control briefly and it is perfectly understandable - he got off pretty lightly if you ask me.

 

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with this.. physical violence is NEVER acceptable! If the OP was upset,if she is angry she has the option to put on her coat and to leave!

 

How many men have found themselves in jail,faced with restraining orders that shred their careers because they hit an unfaithful wife? How many men ordered out of their homes, deprieved of their kids because they lost control and slapped a slut of a wife?

 

Sorry but what's good for the gander ought to also be equally applied to the goose. OP you should be down on your knees thanking your husband for not having you arrested and/or seeking a restraining order to eject you from the marital home.

 

What your husband did or did not do does not entitle you to strike him or to use physical violence in any form.

[Geishawhelk]

I completely agree.

 

But I also think he deserved it, and had it coming.

 

There's a world of difference between her motive and that of a drunken, abusive, constantly violent person exacting a constant battery of assault on a victim.

 

She's also admitted it wasn't a clever or wise thing to do, and regetted it, so given that the whole sorry mess is a minefield and nightmare, let's leave it there.

[soserious1]

I completely agree.

 

But I also think he deserved it, and had it coming.

 

There's a world of difference between her motive and that of a drunken, abusive, constantly violent person exacting a constant battery of assault on a victim.

 

She's also admitted it wasn't a clever or wise thing to do, and regetted it, so given that the whole sorry mess is a minefield and nightmare, let's leave it there.

 

I don't agree with the husband's choices but it bothers me seeing posts that basically excuse,condone or rationalize violence basically because the offender is a woman.

 

I don't care what the OP's husband did... there is NEVER any acceptable

reason for domestic violence. She doesn't like what he's said or done? She has the choice to leave and to seek divorce, that she choose to assault him

makes her an abuser,no different than any other batterer.

[travelgirl]

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with this.. physical violence is NEVER acceptable! If the OP was upset,if she is angry she has the option to put on her coat and to leave!

 

How many men have found themselves in jail,faced with restraining orders that shred their careers because they hit an unfaithful wife? How many men ordered out of their homes, deprieved of their kids because they lost control and slapped a slut of a wife?

 

Sorry but what's good for the gander ought to also be equally applied to the goose. OP you should be down on your knees thanking your husband for not having you arrested and/or seeking a restraining order to eject you from the marital home.

 

What your husband did or did not do does not entitle you to strike him or to use physical violence in any form.

 

Oh give me a break. She felt bad the second she did it and what I find unacceptable is you coming here on her high horse to make a beaten down woman feel worse about something she already deeply regrets.

 

She is going thru an emotional rollercoaster and she slapped him in the height of an unbearable fight that most people in this world can't even imagine. It isn't like she maliciously looked to hurt him. If she could take it back, she would. This isn't domestic violence - geez!

[soserious1]

Oh give me a break. She felt bad the second she did it and what I find unacceptable is you coming here on her high horse to make a beaten down woman feel worse about something she already deeply regrets.

 

She is going thru an emotional rollercoaster and she slapped him in the height of an unbearable fight that most people in this world can't even imagine. It isn't like she maliciously looked to hurt him. If she could take it back, she would. This isn't domestic violence - geez!

 

If it's considered "domestic violence" when a man does it,it's the very same thing when a woman does it too. A man who reacts and strikes an unfaithful wife can and very often does find himself sitting in a jail cell, removed from his home,cut off from his children and court ordered to hand over large sums of alimony and child support. I'm quite sure many men who frequent this forum can attest to the truth of what I'm saying.

 

I object to sexist double standards..and find it alarming to see physical violence being condoned,excused or rationalized. I'm very sure that if it were a male poster talking about how he lost control and hit an unfaithful wife, he wouldn't get anywhere near as empathatic a response.

[travelgirl]

Worlybear,

 

Have a HUGE cry - you deserve and can do this. But after that cry, spend some fun time with your 7 year old and celebrate the start of a new year and a new you - as hard as it may seem right now.

 

It is obvious your H is completely out of sorts right now. As hard as it is, take the energy you are focusing on worrying about him into your daughter and yourself. Neither one of you deserve this and sticking together in a crisis is what will get you both thru it stronger and closer then ever.

 

Don't worry about the meeting because it is at least 5 more days away. Try and take some deep breaths and take it one step at a time.

 

Try and focus your down/sad times when 7 year old goes to bed. Curl up in bed with a good book or movie and if you want to cry, go ahead. Don't keep the emotions all bottled up.

 

I REALLY recommend exercising first thing in the morning. It really helps to get up, get sneakers on and get moving. Then after, eat a good breakfast and take a nice shower and put on nice clothes and make-up. Then get out of the house and do something, even if it is going to the store or library. It helps with depression, lets out frustrations and keeps you from spending the whole day in pajamas. Rent some fun easy dance exercise videos that you and your 7 year old can do together. I promise you it will make you feel better inside and out!

[travelgirl]

If it's considered "domestic violence" when a man does it,it's the very same thing when a woman does it too. A man who reacts and strikes an unfaithful wife can and very often does find himself sitting in a jail cell, removed from his home,cut off from his children and court ordered to hand over large sums of alimony and child support. I'm quite sure many men who frequent this forum can attest to the truth of what I'm saying.

 

I object to sexist double standards..and find it alarming to see physical violence being condoned,excused or rationalized. I'm very sure that if it were a male poster talking about how he lost control and hit an unfaithful wife, he wouldn't get anywhere near as empathatic a response.

 

I didn't say anything about condoning it or saying anything about a double standard. Many men slap their wives when they find out about infidelity as well. I think it is a little harsher because they are stronger but I am sure it happens more then we think and I highly doubt that 90% of them are even reported. It is a lot different then beating someone to a pulp in anger.

 

And if this was a man saying the same thing and said he slapped his wife after what she said and did (as worlybear described) and he felt horrible once he did, I would treat it no different then I currently am. Sorry, we just disagree on this.

[amerikajin]

This is outrageous.

 

All the more reason to approach the Chair of Governors.

Essentially speaking, the Governing Body are responsible for the tenor and standards of the school, from teaching to admin to discipline.

I'm sorry, it's vital you do something about this.

His actions are heinous, for a man in his position and responsibility.

If he thinks you wouldn't dare do something, you should leave him in no doubt of your fury. Ask him to either resign, or you will report him to the Education Authorities.

He is grossly abusing his power and position.

He really should have thought of the consequences, before embarking on such a stupid and reckless affair.

 

Please, please do something.

He is responsible for children, and their moral upbringing.

This cannot be allowed to continue.

 

I cannot believe he would be so stupid!!

 

I'm so furious!

I know how much work and effort the Governing Body puts into keeping the school buoyant - for him to do something of this nature leaves me fuming!!

 

I wish I would have seen this thread sooner.

 

I'm sorry, but the above was not very good advice at all. By doing this -- and I'm assuming based on her comments that she did -- she is making a private problem a professional problem. By doing this, you are bringing your private life into your workplace. The school board probably just sees the OP's disclosure as an attempt to get even with her husband and the OW. The workplace doesn't want or need any drama on its hands, and while in an ideal world they would be able to separate fact from faction and deal justly with everyone, they're a business. They just want this to go away ASAP. They will do what it takes to protect their school from becoming a soap opera, and if that means getting rid of one, two or all three parties involved, they will. They don't care about who did what to whom. Even if they don't do anything, it's now all out in the open. It's a mess now. It might have become one anyway, but it probably should have been handled more discretely.

[amerikajin]

Went to see my son today and we took 7 year old to the pictures. son is really supportive and i felt upbeatHad a text from H yesterday in response to text about had he heard any more about meeting on jan 5th . One word answer, no.

He also texted older kids to say he was ok ,was sorting out accomodation, and would let them know when he was sorted . The ironic thing is that they really couldn't care less.

its really difficult tonight. older daughter is going out for New Year ,and me and 7 year old are at home.

i'm torturing myself with the thought that H is out with/without other woman enjoying himself. i know i'm feeling sorry for myself but this is even harder than xmas.

please post ,i feel really bad and can't stop crying.

 

Worly,

 

First off, I'm sorry your husband's being an unmitigated @ss.

 

I'm going to make a prediction, though: he'll be back. Your husband reminds me a little bit of my own father when he had his affair. My dad wasn't quite as cold about it, and he maintained that he still loved my mother all while upping the ante in the affair over a period of six months. But like your husband, I think he assumed that because he was a well-respected doctor and easily the chief bread winner, he was in a position to do whatever the hell he pleased and that there wasn't much my mother would do about it. To the point, he was almost delusional about his affair, and that's what I've come to see about a lot of people in affairs, particularly middle-aged professional men such as your husband.

 

Why does it happen? Nobody can be sure, but I have a few hunches. I think that these people typically put a lot of pressure on themselves to succeed in life. They have the pressure to be in high standing. They feel the pressure to make a good income, save money and protect the family's needs. And because many of these people are highly intellectual and talented individuals, I think there's also a bit of an ego problem that you're dealing with here. I think what happens is that, over time, they begin shutting down and dealing with everything internally. They begin to see life as a struggle of themselves as individuals against the world around them. They get angry when people don't "get" them. Of course there's probably no way you could have suspected anything was wrong or what his grievances are, because as I said, people like this begin shutting down. They stop communicating. They start bottling up their emotions. As bizarre as this sounds, their delusional thinking can lead them to believe that some of the people who actually care about them the most are competing with them, trying to take something from them. It's not a coincidence that this happens after they have children. Men have a hard time dealing with the change in roles that their wives inevitably have to make. They find themselves no longer being the centerpiece of their wife's world and they just snap. Of course they love their children, and I think there's actually a part of him that still love's you - as hard as that is to believe. He sounds highly confused. He really sounds like he needs some mental therapy. I wouldn't take this as personal as he's making it sound, even in spite of what he's saying.

 

My prediction is that he'll be back. He will be by himself. He will begin to think. He will realize that his life isn't any better. He will realize that all of the things that he fantasized about single life aren't nearly what they're cracked up to be. He won't run to his lover because first of all, he's been shamed away from her now, but even if he hadn't, the thrill of having the affair would be over. It would be replaced by the crushing guilt that he will feel knowing that he has thrown away his family life. I could be wrong on all of this. Maybe he is a first-rate schmuck, but I suspect that he's actually a somewhat decent individual who is simply behaving like a schmuck instead.

[Geishawhelk]

I wish I would have seen this thread sooner.

 

I'm sorry, but the above was not very good advice at all. By doing this -- and I'm assuming based on her comments that she did -- she is making a private problem a professional problem.

 

Have you read the thread?

he husband is the Schools' head teacher, and he is having an affair with one of the members of the Governing Body. The BS is a reacher at the same school, and their 7-year-old daughter is a pupil there! This matter can hardly be helped!

By doing this, you are bringing your private life into your workplace. The school board probably just sees the OP's disclosure as an attempt to get even with her husband and the OW.

No, it really is far more complicated than that.

And with respect, this is the UK. School administrative asnd jurisdictional systems are run differently over here.

 

The workplace doesn't want or need any drama on its hands, and while in an ideal world they would be able to separate fact from faction and deal justly with everyone, they're a business. They just want this to go away ASAP. They will do what it takes to protect their school from becoming a soap opera, and if that means getting rid of one, two or all three parties involved, they will. They don't care about who did what to whom. Even if they don't do anything, it's now all out in the open. It's a mess now. It might have become one anyway, but it probably should have been handled more discretely.

 

How would you have advised her cheating, stupid, senseless husband to have handled things 'more discretely'?

[worlybear]

New Year came and went. Today i took the girls out for a pub meal. Youngest son came home for an unexpected visit.He is very hostile and angry towards H.

Had a text from H today , "hope you are well. tell E i am ok."

older daughter had text wishing her a happy new year.

 

oldest son had text saying H has moved into nearby village. Still no news of the meeting.

i am maintaining a dignified silence and its killing me.

[worlybear]

i am surprised he has already taken rented accomodation ,he must be very certain that his job is safe. i don;t know if this is ostrich behaviour or sheer bravado.Nothing is 100%.

i am desperate to talk with him but realistically i know that it wouldn't achieve anything.

younger daughter is very unsettled ,i don't feel i'm doing a very good job with her at the moment.she is upset and angry. she wants to see her daddy and i don;t know whether to wait until next week or wait and see if he contacts her.

my oldest son is going to visit H. Should i ask him to be an intermediary do you think?

i think the hardest thing is not knowing what the immediate future holds.

the only positive outcome today is at least he's not with her.

i am writing on here to stop myself from contacting him so apologies to all.

[anne1707]

I am not sure what to suggest in your situation except do not ask your son to act as intermediary. I know it is hard but try to keep your children our of the equation as much as possible. That is, don't ask them to speak to their father on your behalf, don't try to get them to take sides, don't criticise your husband in front of them (my mother did this when my father has an affair and left but all it did was turn me away from my mother as I could not cope with her bitterness and anger).

 

This is terrible for you because you have to be so strong when all you understandably want to do is cry/fall apart/shout/scream. I think I speak for many on here when I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that you will get through this and you will be happy again.

[jwi71]

i am desperate to talk with him but realistically i know that it wouldn't achieve anything.

 

It would only cause pain and set you back. There is nothing he can say or offer you.

 

younger daughter is very unsettled ,i don't feel i'm doing a very good job with her at the moment.she is upset and angry. she wants to see her daddy and i don;t know whether to wait until next week or wait and see if he contacts her.

 

What a real piece of work. I think, as adults, we can understand leaving a spouse. But leaving a young child? She only has 7 years of life to process and understand the events unfolding around her - and its impossible for her mind to do so. And for that SoB to leave her is - evil. His actions, to me, abdicate any claim to the title "Father". What an *******.

 

my oldest son is going to visit H. Should i ask him to be an intermediary do you think?

 

No. Conversations between his "father" and him are between them. Do not ask what was discussed. Even if your son volunteers information, do not ask follow up questions. Ask your son to extend you the same courtesy.

 

i think the hardest thing is not knowing what the immediate future holds.

the only positive outcome today is at least he's not with her.

 

Forget her. She is nothing. You won't believe it now but trust me - she is NOTHING. Going further, as you heal, you will realize this too. Do NOT obsess over her - she is deserving of only pity.

 

i am writing on here to stop myself from contacting him so apologies to all.

 

You keep doing that. Resist the urge - nothing good will come of it now. It does get better, it does get easier - you WILL survive, you WILL put this behind you, you WILL be happy again. Its just not in your world right now.

[pelicanpreacher]

I am not sure what to suggest in your situation except do not ask your son to act as intermediary. I know it is hard but try to keep your children our of the equation as much as possible. That is, don't ask them to speak to their father on your behalf, don't try to get them to take sides, don't criticise your husband in front of them (my mother did this when my father has an affair and left but all it did was turn me away from my mother as I could not cope with her bitterness and anger).

 

This is terrible for you because you have to be so strong when all you understandably want to do is cry/fall apart/shout/scream. I think I speak for many on here when I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that you will get through this and you will be happy again.

 

Thank you for this post Anne for this is the exact perspective I looked for in a thread I started on this subject matter some time ago. WB, please take heed in what she's written and as far as the waiting game goes regarding your husband's situation, wait you must for wait is all you can do right now. Try not to live in the future for the future will come regardless of the stress you place on yourself today. If anything, I'd say that it would be better for you to become more introspective about your skill sets to determine what and where you can ply your abilities to estabish footing on a new horizon.

[Billie63]

If it's considered "domestic violence" when a man does it,it's the very same thing when a woman does it too. A man who reacts and strikes an unfaithful wife can and very often does find himself sitting in a jail cell, removed from his home,cut off from his children and court ordered to hand over large sums of alimony and child support. I'm quite sure many men who frequent this forum can attest to the truth of what I'm saying.

 

I object to sexist double standards..and find it alarming to see physical violence being condoned,excused or rationalized. I'm very sure that if it were a male poster talking about how he lost control and hit an unfaithful wife, he wouldn't get anywhere near as empathatic a response.

 

Not once did I imply that I thought it was acceptable to hit a spouse based on gender. If it had been the other way around and the man had slapped his wife, my view would have been the same - he lost control briefly and the wife got off lightly.

 

I am not talking about sustained brutal domestic violence but an extreme situation where emotions are heightened.

[worlybear]

hi .My situation hasn't changed , i am still reeling from my husbands betrayl. He has not heard if his headteachers job is safe but he has now moved into rented accomodation nearby, should i take my daughter to see him. she misses him so much.

please post

[jwi71]

Yes, even though you hate the SoB his daughter does NOT.

She still loves him - he's her father.

 

I hope you can text him a message that essential says "Our daughter would like to come over and spend time with you. When, where and for how long"?

 

BOTH of you must set aside whatever angst/tension/anger you have for one another and do RIGHT by your children. She needs you BOTH and she can have you both even if you divorce.

 

I hope you do contact him for her sake. Limit the conversation to caring for her and your other kids.

 

Do NOT worry about him or his little tart. Trust me, they are on the Titanic and you have front row seats on the iceberg. Personally, I prefer "Kettle Corn" popcorn - but feel free to slather yours in butter when this all blows up. Should be interesting to watch. Ok, enough tongue in cheek.

 

Focus on you and your children, especially the youngest. You MUST NEVER speak ill of him in the presence of any child - nor should you ALLOW a child to speak ill of her father. Trust me on this too - it will come back to haunt you if you allow it.

 

Stay strong. You did NOT do this, he did. You cannot help him. You cannot save him. Work on you and your family.

[worlybear]

:confused:thanks for the support. i have decided that i will wait until monday when i see him at work to discuss his seeing younger daughter as it is a p .d . day and she won't be in school.

i spoke to govs tonight and the whole matter of the affair is out of the govs hands. there will be a meeting but the govs ,apart from the chairman do not know/are not allowed to know the details ,not even the date. i expect that county will contact H on Monday.

i am worried about the out come as if he loses his job ,it will impact badly on the family ,financially.

similarly i am really worried as to how i will cope being in school ,alongside the ow. its going to be really difficult ,i don't know if i can manage it ,but i love my job.

i think the worst possible outcome would be for me to run away and leave her feeling she is indespensible.

the affair is now out in the open ,kids and parents talking about it.

Gov i spoke to said that she has had a lot of telephone complaints and that one parent has threatened to go to the press if things are not resolved immediately.

this nightmare keeps escalating....

[anne1707]

Stand firm - you have done nothing wrong. Go into work on Monday with your head held high.

 

What I would expect/hope is that the OW will be "asked" to step down as a school governor as it is entirely inappropriate that she remains in that position considering her relationship with your husband - an absolute conflict of interests.

 

This is my opinion as somebody who works in a quasi-public sector in England with a voluntary Board of management running the company (and subject to government regulation).

[shippy]

worlybear, your situation is is more difficult and stressful than anybody should have to endure, but you are strong. You will endure, you will grow and, in time, you again will prosper. There is light in this world, its all around you in your family and friends and especially in you. Keep this, whenever possible, fore in your mind.

 

Because there were no children, my experience was never a complex as yours. Still, many of us have known this hurt. Working against depression is an important part of what you must do every day. The advice to talk to your doctor about antidepressents is good. Vigorous exercise has helped me more than anything. You have a good mind, so wash it with oxygen, though exercise, and good nutrition everyday. Now, when it seems most difficult, is the time to take the best care of yourself you possibly can. You deserve the good things in life, and you will gather them to you.

 

You can use all the help you can get. You could ask your older children for help with your youngest. Just let the big kids know they need to shield your 7 year old and must rise above the stress and conflict whenever they are with her. This will instill even more responsibility in your oldest children, help them from making such mistakes in their own lives, and bring them closer to their brothers and sisters. Just as with you, this will make your children stronger and wiser.

 

When you are feeling your worst, look for the light.

[Geishawhelk]

Stand firm - you have done nothing wrong. Go into work on Monday with your head held high.

 

What I would expect/hope is that the OW will be "asked" to step down as a school governor as it is entirely inappropriate that she remains in that position considering her relationship with your husband - an absolute conflict of interests.

 

This is my opinion as somebody who works in a quasi-public sector in England with a voluntary Board of management running the company (and subject to government regulation).

I concur and back this up 100%.

[worlybear]

:confused:pretty difficult day. 1st i had a text from H asking if he had any post he would pick it up/or i could drop post off.i think hes waiting for a letter from county.no post so i didn't reply.

then i had my brother on the phone, very angry on my behalf, telling me to find an aggressive solicitor and get things sorted a.s.a.p.

30 minute well meant tirade followed.

Took my daughters to local centre to help with painting panto sets. couldn't face staying myself.

fell apart tonight ,probably because i am so tired. i know that my life has changed but i miss H so much.i still can't believe that everything is completely over. i can't seem to move past this.

[LifesontheUp]

You will get through this, I promise. It just seems like you won't at the moment.

 

My xH, his OW and myself worked within 5 feet of each other. I thought I would never get through seeing them each day, flaunting their relationship with each other right in front of me. But with the support of friends and family I managed it day after day. You will find the strength to do it Worlybear, you've done nothing wrong. Hold your head high and remember you are worth so much more than this.

 

I know everyone says it takes time and its true. Take one day at a time, do things you enjoy, take comfort in your family and friends and don't make any decisions until you feel stronger....there is no rush <hugs>