devestated

[Athena]

Worlybear hang in there. Things will slowly improve. Life will not always feel this hopeless, just see out this very difficult time. Ask for support from friends and family, and also TELL the board of Governors that OW is a homewrecker and that they are still continuing the affair! I believe this action in itself will give you back some feeling of power.

 

Really, the worst thing you could do right now is opt out in the way of suicide -- you say your husband can raise your daughter?! So do you wish to let OW raise YOUR child??

No way!

For the sake of your children, please do not fall apart now. Firstly, H is definitely not worth it and neither is that OW who sees fit to laugh and carry on in front of you.... she will soon be laughing on the other side of her face when she finds herself out on her arse with no job and her wonderful lover out of a job too -- then watch how everyday financial problems and being around each other 24/7 will cause them to bicker.

 

This time will pass. You have to fight for yourself. H is simply not worth you killing yourself, nor of denying your children their mother's influence while they grow up. I am an adult and I still value my mother's input, and I wish my father had lived longer than just a part of my childhood. Do you wish to punish your children too by losing their mother, for your H and OW's actions?

[worlybear]

still here ,still hurting.Son has spent all day with me talking.

H came round a.m in response to a text from last night ,doesn't want me to end myself. he made all the right noises but i think its also that he would then have to take responsibility for his daughters.

have decided to travel with younger daughter for a couple of days to try and clear my head.

older daughter ,and son will stay at home to look after dogs etc.

still not decided about final solution to problems.

[jwi71]

Worly,

 

What options do you see?

[worlybear]

i may go to stay with relatives some distance away. at least if i decide not to carry on, younger daughter will be in safe and secure hands and not a responsibility for older daughter.

the other kids will have each other and hopefully their Dad will make some effort to help them and stay in touch.

Like H i am opting with my feet.

If i stay then i know i cannot cope with the situation emotionally or job-wise so i would need to ask H for help in looking after younger daughter

who,understandably is being very difficult. i am scared that if i ask for help he will challenge and win custody. he has always said he wouldn't go for custody but given the web of lies he's woven over the last year i just can't trust him.

But if i don't get a break i will end up having a nervous breakdown.

i wish i could just hate him. life would be easier.

[Owl]

I don't recall if this has been suggested or not, but...

 

Go see your doctor...TODAY! You need to discuss the possibility of anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds, and your suicidal thoughts.

 

What you're going through isn't unusual...neither is what you're feeling as a result.

 

Do this before you decide to do ANYTHING else. For you children, if nothing else.

 

AD's can help you clear your head, and make some good decisions when you might otherwise not be able to.

[travelgirl]

Worlybear,

 

I feel for you. I have felt that way as well. The world has turned on you. But if you step back and look at it, your kids love and need you and the absolute WORST thing you could do to them right now is leave them.

 

Please go see a doctor, get some medications. Anti-depressants take a few weeks to really kick in so I would suggest some anti-anxiety pills in the mean time to calm you down. You may want to ask for a sleeping pill if you aren't sleeping as well either. Please talk to your older children. Let them know your thoughts so they can help you.

 

You do not need H in your life for it to be a fulfilling one. I know that is hard to see right now but he wronged you and in the end you need to help yourself and not worry about him. Your kids need you so much. Your seven year old will need you now more then ever. Leaving them in the hands of anyone else would be unfair. You are better then this. You can do it. This happens to many people. People DO SURVIVE infidelity and divorce, even if they hit rock bottom and can't see it yet. Even if you can not see it yet, live it day by day and get yourself help.

 

Stop contacting H and work on yourself. You are putting yourself last. Now is the time to put you FIRST!!! I know you can do it - I have faith you will survive this and come out a more stronger self sufficient person.

[Nomad1]

Have you considered hypnosis? It works for giving up cigarettes. It may work for giving up H!

 

It is natural to feel the way you do, but you must pick yourself up. Think of yourself as a very good friend who is going through a dreadful time. What would you do to cheer your friend up? What would you tell your best friend? Start looking after your good friend! Use whatever money you have access to to do this! Go to a health farm! Go to a Budhist rig for a week and get it out of your system. Book yourself into the Hilton in Hyde Park and go for walks around the park! Pamper yourself. Get a nice massage Go to Egypt for a week and visit the pyramids on horse back! There will be lots of nice people there to look after you.

 

Time to indulge in some serious pampering time!

 

Good luck

 

Nomad1

[jwi71]

i may go to stay with relatives some distance away. at least if i decide not to carry on, younger daughter will be in safe and secure hands and not a responsibility for older daughter.

 

And deprive yourself seeing her graduate. And miss her wedding.

There are few things that a child cannot overcome - and suicide of a parent is one. She will always have the eternal "Why?" in her mind. And her answers will come from your xH and his OW if YOU aren't there. Is that the future you want for her?

 

No? Then stop. Don't walk that path.

 

i am scared that if i ask for help he will challenge and win custody.

Rubbish. The child's best interest is what comes first. And since your H walked away, I cannot see him wanting to be a full time single parent. No. He wants out and will pop up when whatever is left of his conscience compels him to. And if if there is a custody fight, at least in the US, its 50-50 custody anyway per the first sentence. Any Ukers who can validte/refute that it on custody there?

.

But if i don't get a break i will end up having a nervous breakdown.

Its understandable and you are NOT alone in this. Sadly, it happens everyday. Turn to your friends, family and whoever else helps you cope. I will add there is NO shame in seeking professional help. Everyone needs help now and again. Do it for YOU.

i wish i could just hate him. life would be easier.

Don't hate. Pity. He will discover lows worse than you know now. And pity him and HER. That hatred WILL bleed onto your daughter. Don't teach her that. You hate the SoB but your does NOT. Do not let that happen to her. Put HER needs first.

 

If you can do that, I promise you your daughter will grow up normal, loved and strong. Most recent research demonstrates no significant difference in divorced children achievement as compared to "traditional ones". What counts is a nurturing and loving household - and you don;t need him to give HER that.

 

You cannot hate him and provide her a normal tomorrow.

 

Stay strong.

[Billie63]

Please stay strong worlybear. I know it's hard but do keep it together. It will not always be like this.

[hope123]

Worlybear, I've been reading loveshack forum for some time, but after reading your post felt compelled to sign up so that I could post a reply to you.

 

You are in such a tough situation that every minute probably feels like an hour and you are wondering how to just get through the next minutes... let alone the next days or weeks.

 

I'm assuming here, but I bet you don't really believe there's anything you can possibly do to make you feel better at this moment....whether it's a holiday, shopping or whatever...but the objective at this moment is just to pull yourself up a tiny bit, just enough to lift yourself off the floor and stand up to fight another day.

 

Make lots of little practical, manageable steps and you will feel progress. Maybe not the impression of progress towards anything, but the feeling of progress moving away from this point of misery....very slowly leaving it behind. In the future, you will remember with pride how you painfully inched away from this horrible , maybe worst point in your life.

 

Unfortunately, that positive feeling of progress will not just conveniently come at the moment when you want it to, you may have to wait a few days to feel even slightly better...but keep just plodding along and life will eventually pick up just enough for you to feel like you can function again in the different areas of your life.

[phoenixrising]

Stay the course, Worleybear... I was where you are once. It's a deep hole that I never thought I'd be able to crawl out of. But I did, and so will you. Follow everyone's advice to just get through each moment, find any little thing you can to keep you going. My son did it for me. I imagined what his life would be like left in the care of his father, which made me get through. Stay in the present for your children. They love you, and you WILL get through this. We are here for you.

[LovieDove24]

Wow Worlybear your pain sounds so immense words cannot describe it. I understand suicide seems like a viable option but it truly is not. Commiting suicide will intensify the current pain you feel times ten and ripple out to your surrounding loved ones. It leaves a legacy. It leaves devestation that cannot be explained nor understood. Your children may never ever forgive you if you choose to leave them.

 

Now I understand I am speaking logically to someone who is not thinking logically. I realize that. But I'd really like you to go speak with your doctor as others have suggested and get on some anti depressants. Then take a look back throughout this thread and read and re-read those posts which have helped you. Please.

[travelgirl]

Worlybear, I've been reading loveshack forum for some time, but after reading your post felt compelled to sign up so that I could post a reply to you.

 

You are in such a tough situation that every minute probably feels like an hour and you are wondering how to just get through the next minutes... let alone the next days or weeks.

 

I'm assuming here, but I bet you don't really believe there's anything you can possibly do to make you feel better at this moment....whether it's a holiday, shopping or whatever...but the objective at this moment is just to pull yourself up a tiny bit, just enough to lift yourself off the floor and stand up to fight another day.

 

Make lots of little practical, manageable steps and you will feel progress. Maybe not the impression of progress towards anything, but the feeling of progress moving away from this point of misery....very slowly leaving it behind. In the future, you will remember with pride how you painfully inched away from this horrible , maybe worst point in your life.

 

Unfortunately, that positive feeling of progress will not just conveniently come at the moment when you want it to, you may have to wait a few days to feel even slightly better...but keep just plodding along and life will eventually pick up just enough for you to feel like you can function again in the different areas of your life.

 

You should have signed up a long time ago. That was great advice!

[worlybear]

well i'm still here . just returned from driving 6hr journey with younger daughter.

went to stay with mum in law. whilst i've been away H has painted kitchen and been round each day to check on older daughter . He has also been running her in the car to various things. Major guilt overload.(his.)

I have just found out that acting head has got her own headship elsewhere and her teaching job will be advertised so if i do stick around i may just apply. they will have to at least give me an interview.

still surfing the bottom ledge ,very tired and confused. will post later .thanks for all the posts.

[anne1707]

her teaching job will be advertised so if i do stick around i may just apply..

 

 

Worlybear

 

That's a positive attitude and good to hear. It does sound as if your H is on a guilt trip (quite right too). You just keep looking after yourself and your children. If you need to let off steam, you know where we are.

[Billie63]

well i'm still here . just returned from driving 6hr journey with younger daughter.

went to stay with mum in law. whilst i've been away H has painted kitchen and been round each day to check on older daughter . He has also been running her in the car to various things. Major guilt overload.(his.)

I have just found out that acting head has got her own headship elsewhere and her teaching job will be advertised so if i do stick around i may just apply. they will have to at least give me an interview.

still surfing the bottom ledge ,very tired and confused. will post later .thanks for all the posts.

 

LOL. Oh I do hope that OW knows he's been around painting the kitchen as if he never left.

 

Now if you want to pee her off, you really should find some way of letting her know what he's been doing.

 

It's just the bitch in me.

[worlybear]

H came to see younger daughter in response to text. Stayed 2 hours ,playing games with her. He's not heard anymore about his job. He is taking older daughter to Uni interview on Weds.(500 mile round trip.)He should be attending a national eco conference on that day -I don't know if he will send ow(eco gov) in his place.I expect I will find out tomorrow.

As far as I know she hasn't stepped down and no Govs have contacted me.I have been invited to attend a meeting on Friday to discuss my wellbeing (!) at County Hall. I'm not going without a union rep to safeguard my interests.

I just feel exhausted by the whole situation.

Thanks for posting.

[pelicanpreacher]

WB, please refrain from communicating any of your thoughts or emotions on paper or email at this time for your feelings are far too volatile at the moment. I'm afraid that your "farewell" communique could prove devestating if he should consider using it against you in a custody hearing. In the meantime ...

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW!

[worlybear]

went to work today and it was a bit better than last week. ow still in school as it was one of her work days. She was out a.m though at a meeting as a Governor rep. words fail me. when i raised it with my union rep he said it was up to the Govs to ask her to stand down. Obviously nothing has happened yet.

An investigating officer (ex primary HT) is interviewing staff tomorrow.

Pending his findings there will either be an investigation or there won't.

I'm quite relieved that something is finally happening.

Spoke to H who seems resigned to his fate and doesn't seem to care if he keeps his job or not.Very subdued.

i intend to be supportive when asked as i truly think that he just lost the plot recently, (domestic issues aside) and i have to consider financial implications for my daughters and myself.

i have also asked for an application form for the pending teaching job -i may only get an interview but i will go down fighting.

i know i will have lots of other bad times but i have set up a counselling session for weds and i am taking sleeping tablets and ads.

Life is still very difficult but i'm still here for the girls.

Thanks for the posts ,they do help.

[anne1707]

Worlybear

 

It is good to hear you sounding more positive with going back to work and also the job application. As for the OW, it may be that the governors feel they cannot take action against her until further investigation has taken place - following procedures etc. Just keep your head held high if you see her - you have done nothing wrong.

 

Regarding supporting your H, I can understand that for the practical reasons you state. It is also worth maintaining some sort of amicable relationship between you so that your children, end especially your youngest, do not feel as if you are forcing them to take sides. I know you want them to have a relationship with their father and not just you.

[worlybear]

Unbelievably difficult day. went to work and there was a meeting scheduled with an investigative officer for all staff posted on the notice board. when i turned up i was asked to leave by acting head as i would have my chance to talk at a different meeting. i stood my ground and argued that i had not been told not to come.

Left meeting of my own accord and phoned myunion rep who was appalled .He has made a formal complaint to the county.

Had a run in with acting head re her not telling me and generally about her lack of support . when i asked her why she hadn't rung me over xmas to see how we were she said she wasn't acting head over xmas. i have worked alongside this person for 5 years as a colleague and,i thought ,as a friend.

Have my own meeting coming up but i intend to take a union rep with me.

i will not be driven out and neither will my daughter.

H is taking older daughter to uni interview tomorrow.

[Owl]

I'd ask your union rep what can be done about asking you to leave that meeting???

 

That's RIDICULOUS. It set the stage for a hostile workplace...by seperating and segregating you from the rest of your co-workers. It pointed the finger at YOU...not in words, but the end result of that will be this.

 

At this point...you need to be talking to your union rep about what action can be taken against the appropriate parties for this.

 

And INSIST that your union rep attend the mtg with you...you might even discuss the thought of bringing the union's attorney(s) with you as well.

[Billie63]

Worleybear your treatment is shameful. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. And when you see that OW look her straight in her eye and make sure she's the one who looks away first - shame on her.

[hopereys]

The governors now know. Had a really hard day yesterday.Went into school for the xmas lunch. He is not currently in school due to a minor operation. Chair of Govs has already called a meeting. She is very sympathetic but also has to put the school first. I feel sick. What will happen if he loses his job? She is aware of this but to a large extent it is out of her hands. She has guaranteed my part time job for next term as agreed previously. They are going to speak with him a.s.a.p.

Went to see him yesterday a. m after dropping daughter at school. Had a long ,long chat . Bottom line is i still love him and i feel if we all shut him out he will have nowhere else to go but to her. He is beating himself up.Just wants to be alone.Family have all rallied round and are prepared to help. Governors said yesterday they too,thought he has been ill/breakdown and they had noticed his volatile behaviour etc. They regret not acting on it.

Please post.

 

You have to decide if you want to fight for your marriage. If you believe he loves you and made a mistake and you love him then don't make any final decisions too quickly. I found out three months ago my husband had been having an affair for the past four years so I understand the pain, doubt, questions, and the humiliation you feel. Believe it or not from what I have read and seen, your husband beating himself up and being a mess is very real. Hard for us who have been cheated on to understand, I know. I decided I would not "fight" another woman for my husband. I would fight for my marriage meaning trying to repair and work on the mistakes I have made in the marriage, some of which got us to this point. I told I husband and the OW they could have each other I was done. My husband told her see ya, and continued daily to re connect with me even though I asked him to move out.

Good luck and don't feel ashamed that you don't want to shut your husband out while he is hurting to. Maybe this is part of the healing process for you. Hang in there.

[worlybear]

Thanks for all the posts. Still no further forward meeting wise ,county are really dragging their heels. One of Govs tried to chat 2 day but i was very guarded , i don't trust anyone at work to do right by my daughter and me,so i was just polite.

H babysat younger daughter last night whilst i went swimming. he has also spent this morning whilst i was working ,stacking a log order in the shed. guilt seems to be kicking in. no sign of a resolution re his job either.

i'm trying not to worry about it as i can't hurry it up and the union is now dealing with it. Fed up with everything but i'm not ready to give up on H or job yet.