devestated

[travelgirl]

You sound better so that is positive. Has H done anything or asked about anything with his job? I can't imagine they are just dragging their feet on all this without letting you or him know anything.

 

How is your 7 year old doing? Are you and H on civil terms? Is he asking to see the kids, come over and help or are you asking him? What is the status with OW? If you truly want to work on things with H, my thought is to possibly be friends and help each other get thru this time together without the push of "what if" and the marriage on the line. I know that is a hard bullet to swallow since he hurt you bad but if you honestly think you could take him back and want him back, take steps to be friends. Even if it doesn't get your marriage back, it will be at least be good for your kids.

 

Good Luck.

[worlybear]

Thanks travelgirl. Re the job ,we are both in the same union and the guy in overall charge is working flat out but is not getting his calls and emails returned from county ,so much so that he is prepared to travel from his own county to ours, to go to county hall ,to insist on being heard .this should happen next week . I was working today and one of the govs told me that govs are not allowed to meet .parents have been sent email/letter from govs -i read it and passed it to union as i think it potentially infringes H's rights and the legal team will look at it. gave a copy to H as they hadn't sent him one.

H is very subdued and appears to have given up but we can't afford for him to do that.

Re ow -i don't know if he is still in contact ,i suspect so but i can't handle it at the moment.

He is round here every day ,running errands for the girls ,stacking wood etc. i haven't asked him to ,he just offers. He is taking 7 yr old swimming tomorrow and taking older daughter to another interview in 2 weeks time.

He is also going to see oldest son tomorrow early eve who is really messed up with everything.

I know its guilt motivated but at least he's not with her when he's here.

We are civil with each other ,in fact i am cool and polite towards him -its the only way i can cope with him being here at all.

i still hope theres a way through this but i can't see anything yet.

[anne1707]

Worlybear

 

May be wrong here but do you think he may want you back? That he may have realised that he is about to lose what really matters? If so, how do you feel about that?

 

A really tough, big question but I think you need to try and work out whether you may want that (even after all this pain and anguish).

[jwi71]

I agree with Anne.

 

Fantasy rarely (if ever) survives contact with reality. And I doubt they ever envisioned what is going on now.

 

Anne's question is a good one. Do YOU want to try and rebuild provided the opportunity arises?

 

The only thing I wish you "think differently" is the reliance on him. I know that in practical terms YOU need his income to maintain your standard of living. However, with his recent actions I am not sure I would continue to count on that. What if he loses his job and cannot find equivalent work and pay? Could you still afford this house and all then?

 

The concern is reliance upon unstable income. I would urge you to at least consider what life would be on YOUR income alone. Anticipate the changes and start making moves so that you can live off YOUR income alone. And that may mean a radical downward shift in lifestyle.

[worlybear]

i think its probably guilt that is bringing H round to the house so regularly. i found it really difficult today when he came to pick up 7 year old for swimming. she was really excited and i can understand that but she was extremely naughty for me last night ,really playing up. then he just waltzes in this afternoon to do fun things. i know its mean but i just felt resentful.

He brought her back ok and she'd had a good time but it was a struggle to be civil with him .she started playing up about her tea and he did back me up so i flagged up that she is being difficult re meals and bedtimes. i didn't give him much chance to talk though as i was too stressed and told her to say goodbye to dad because he needs to go now.

he asked earlier if he could show her his flat and i said no ,i wanted to be with her when she saw it. truth is i feel very down tonight.

there are just so many worries at the moment and H seems to be coasting along.apart from his job everything in his life seems fine and i still think he's in touch with ow. i feel that i'm just left trying to pick up the pieces for the family and putting myself in the direct line of fire at work ,theres no respite. asked H to let me know how tonight goes with older son -just found out that son has got a serious drink problem and H is going to talk to him.

its all just getting me down.

[anne1707]

I can understand your dilemma regarding him taking your daughter to his flat but there is some advantage to this. If he takes her to his flat then she may just end up playing with her toys, watching telly or whatever she would normally do when she is at home. He would not have to take her swimming or to the cinema, i.e. the nice treats, whenever he sees her.

 

I don't want to defend your H but I doubt he is coasting - there is probably a lot of front there whilst his family life and career fall apart around him all because of his actions.

[worlybear]

Spoke to son today ,admits he was pretty drunk last night when he spoke to H but remembers that H didn't seem worried about his job. i feel so angry that i am the one going into work and having to face everyone and H just seems to be so complacent and not bothered about his job and is quite happy playing at being a good father figure. i'm falling apart here.

its really hard to be positive with the weight of the situation ,children and mortgage around my neck.

i was going to go round to H'S flat to talk to hm about things but i'm so angry ,it wouldn't achieve anything.

Also mum in law has sent a letter to H here. She has sent me a seperate duplicate copy-i did read it and it spells out all the reasons that he should return but she has left out the most important fact that he doesn't love me or want to be with me. i have not given him his letter and will probably burn it. i know she meant well but i hate being used as a go-between .i'm doing enough!

[worlybear]

Went to see H at his flat as i had decided that i was going to quit my job (as i couldn't face another day working with ow.)

Pointed out that if i quit and didn't put in for full time job ,it would affect us financially. Asked if there was room in the flat for the girls.

H got very defensive and said he would look after them .Asked him what he was doing to try and move his case forward. (i hate working with the staff at school but love the kids.i think i mainly wanted to provoke some reaction.)

He has not heard anything further from county but his last conversation he was told he must avoid all contact with school ,staff ,govs,parents and children.

Asked him what he was going to do if he is not reinstated- he hopes to stay in county and work on supply. pointed out that when i knew what was happening with his job i would probably move out of county. He didn't like that.

We actually ended up having a civilised conversation. Nothing was resolved job wise but i felt that we had moved forward. H said to text anytime and i was welcome to come round.

He is finding it very boring not working .Good.

Theres still a lot to discuss .

Just had union rep on the phone .he has arranged my meeting for this wednesday. no news as yet on H's meeting.

[worlybear]

Really struggling. Had another tough day at work.Asked for job application form but i really wonder what i am doing .it is hard enough having to work alongside ow one day a week. i love the kids but i think the main reason i am applying is that if H gets reinstated i don't want him working alongside her .how sad is that .please post if thers anyone out there i just don't know what to do.

[anne1707]

Worlybear

 

There are bound to be really tough days. But you will get through them.

 

I would also be surprised if your H is as relaxed as he appears about his job. He could well be just putting on a front as a means of coping with his situation.

 

I know it's hard but do try to go to work - remember you have nothing to hide or be ashamed about. I think you are right to look for another job. Whatever happens, the school will remind you of this time and may not help in rebuilding your life. Keep fighting for yourself and your children.

[worlybear]

Thanks for the post. Last night younger daughter was really upset as she had been put in a group led by ow for a whole school ,mixed age theme day. As there were 3 adults in the room where she was working ,(a different room to mine) i was not aware of it as i had my own class. She sat up late writing in her diary and then read it to me. it was heartbreaking ,all of her feelings on paper. she finds it very difficult to cope with ow in school and wants ow and daughter to leave and ow to give her dad back etc.

Spoke to acting head and said it may have been an oversight but i felt it was very insensitive and unecessary.

H brought older daughter home and in a quiet moment i showed him her diary. he was quite shocked by her depth of feeling.

my meeting is tomorrow. H wished me luck. i said i expected to be asked to leave for my well-being. he said not as he couldn't see a problem with me working at school! pointed out it was hard for me and my daughter. ow doesn't give a s***, as she has exactly what she wants -him ,her job and her kid is ok. Doesn't he pick his friends well?

also asked just how much he cares for younger daughter as the time was fast approaching when he had to decide whether to bring up ow's daughter or his own .he won't get to do both.

H then spent some time with younger daughter ,talking etc while she was drawing.

asked if she could come after school tomorrow with me .i said perhaps as long as he kept ow's name and her kid's name out of all conversation. the last thing either of us need is any mention of them .i don't know if they have been to his flat but if i find that they have ,then i will stop all contact as i am not prepared to let my daughter carry on hurting and feeling 2nd best.

i wish the whole sorry mess that is our life would vanish.

[allcriedout2]

Hi Worlybear

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I've been following your story with keen interest and lots of empathy. We seem to have some things in common; working in education, Brits and significantly, treacherous husbands who are Heads. Your last post really made my blood boil, how mind boggling insensitive your daughter’s school is. I don’t know how you keep your composure.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]My heart goes out to you. Isn’t it the most painful experience? I can’t offer advice – I pulled just about every stunt in the book, all the ones that wiser people on here tell you not to do. All I can do is send hugs and good wishes for the strength to get through this.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Athena]

Worlybear, you need to give that letter your mother-in-law wrote to your H.

It is imperative that H sees the fall out of his affair -- the reading of youngest daughter's diary is one reality check, and seeing what his mother thinks of him is definitely another. Makes sure he gets it. And thank her for making the effort to stick her neck out when it comes to her own son... she could have taken the easy way out and ignored the damage he's done, just to smooth things over better for her own relationship with him.

 

Over time he will wake up and see what the reality of the situation is. Right now he appears to have checked out, which is why he seems remarkably untouched/not bothered by the threat of losing his job.

It will soon catch up with him.

[anne1707]

Worlybear

 

I just don't know what to say. I cannot understand the school's approach that would let the OW take your daughter's class. I know it is horrible to use her like this but it may be an idea to take her diary with you when you have your meeting tomorrow. As for them making you leave, sounds like a constructive dismissal case to me.

 

Good luck for tomorrow

[travelgirl]

Worlybear,

 

You MUST bring your union rep and a union lawyer with you and get this ball rolling. This is gone on long enough. It honestly seems like the school is just letting this go, hoping it will all just go away. If you H is doing nothing and OW is sitting pretty, it needs to be YOU that takes initiative. It is affecting your daughter. What is stopping you?? I would have hit the roof with the acting head when I heard OW was with your daughter, not said maybe it was an oversight. If you don't stand your ground, it is obvious no one in the school will then either. I know you are nervous financially for H's job and employment but your daughter's well being is the priority because finances bounce back but little's girl's self esteem and self worth are much harder to get back. You need to find that self confidence within yourself and be firm with everyone on this - stand up for yourself and your daughter. Don't sit back and feel worse and let your daughter do the same. I really hope things start turning around soon for you!

[worlybear]

:sick:Went to meeting today and took union rep. Focus of the meeting was on my emotional health and ability to do my job! With union rep 's support i was dignified and adamant that i am well. i gave them the right answers and politely refused all offers of counselling help etc. i said i was teaching as normal and the kids came first. Chair of Govs then said he had received "concern", regarding my attitude /anger towards ow in school. it made the staff uncomfortable.

i refuted everything and said i was teaching as normal.ow has also had a well-being session (what for?) it doesn't take a genius to work out that complaints have come from acting head who now has an axe to grind with me (re.meeting i was asked to leave.) and ow.

meeting ended amicably .my union rep took notes and said i was blameless and had no intention of giving up my job.

I was spitting mad afterwards.

Picked up daughter from school and took her to H's flat as arranged.

Everything went rapidly downhill. he refused to believe that ow was trying to kick me out.

he is still seeing her .

when i pointed out all the damage especially to daughters he tried to blame the fact that i was in denial and not helping them. 1st he said he didn't want to come back then in the next breath said "you wouldn't want me back anyway." i just said "but you said you didn't want to come back "and then we ended up arguing again. i drove off with daughter.

i sent a text asking if he wanted to see daughter and he sent text back saying should he babysit tomorrow night.

i am so confused i am reeling.

if he is so set on seeing her still, why is he living in the flat? he made it clear that he intends to stay there by himself.

my older kids said that he made the remark about me not wanting him back to put the guilt on me but a stupid part of me still hopes for him back despite everything.

i feel in such a mess. i just don't know what to do.

working at school is so difficult but not working even more so. County officer would not domment on H's case but there were very negative vibes towards him from both herself and chair of govs.

i can see that we may both end up without jobs. i fear for the future. i fear for my health and i fear for the awful impact this is having on our kids.HELP.

[Geishawhelk]

Question:

 

Why, when a mother is at home with the children, is she 'looking after them' but when a dad is at home with the kids, he is 'babysitting'?

 

Did the Union Rep tell the school that you were blameless and had no intention of giving up your job, during the meeting?

Did anyone ask whether OW was intent on keeping her job? And if so, why?

What about YOU feeling uncomfortable?!

If the staff feel uncomfortable that's her doing, not yours.

 

Did you mention daughter's discomfiture and sadness at being in OW's class?

 

Gosh he really has foo-ed up big-time, hasn't he....?!

 

(Next time you're in the Staff rest room, and she walks in, I suggest you start whistling or singing "That's why the lady is a tramp...." or the 'Bitch is back'....)

[worlybear]

when i asked about ow i got the answer "no comment."from county.

 

i feel really bad today. dropped daughters at school, visited my friend .then i called at H's. his car was there but he didn't answer the knocks on the door. keys were in the lock and door was locked. i spent the rest of the morning torturing myself that ow was there as he could have picked her up last night.

spoke to older daughter who said as it was 10 o'clock he was probably still in bed listening to his ipod.

sent a text saying "i knocked at the door but you didn't answer.just wanted to know if you were picking up older daughter and babysitting tonight.

got message back later ."yes to both."

went to see nurse at docs and have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to see doc. i know i'm falling apart but its just so hard to stay positive.

i truly can't see a way forward. trying to make myself do things in the house so its not so untidy and horrible.i have been opening windows and lighting candles trying to make the house feel more positive.

i think if i knew when Hs meeting was being held that would help. Union rep phoned me last night to say well done for the meeting and also to say no news as yet as to H's meeting.

apologies for this long running saga but i truly feel i have nowhere else to turn.

older daughter wants me to stop all contact with H and says that younger daughter will then be less confused and naughty but i know she loves her dad and i don't think i could bear not seeing him either.

do things ever get better,i feel as if i am still spiralling down and theres no way up.

[jwi71]

Worly,

 

I don't know enough of the UK system to provide in specific or truly meaningful advice. I would personally blow this thing out of the water by holding an effin' press conference. Then follow that up with calls to local reporters about the injustice at this school.

 

I hope you fight. I hope you get junk yard dog mean. Don't pull punches. I'd have your union rep, reporters and lawyers at every meeting. I would make damn sure all of England knew what was going on there. I still think your "secrecy" helps them and not YOU.

 

YOU did NOTHING wrong. Don't be afraid to tell your story...

 

And I would heartily disagree with Geisha on the whole singing and whistling bit. It may feel great, but it gives the OW ammo to use against you - especially if there is trumped up "concern" about your behavior towards her....I wouldn't do it.

[travelgirl]

Worlybear, I think you need to listen to your daughter. She is obviously someone that is seeing all of this thru both of your eyes. I don't think you are doing yourself or anyone favors, when you keep going over to H's flat and asking him questions. Men in the middle of a fantasy affair can not come to terms with a wife that still wants them around. You need to let go of him, whether you think you want him back or not. I know it sounds harsh but this texting him, going to his flat, asking him questions about OW, is doing nothing but making him annoyed and turned off and it is not allowing you to move forward. All it is doing is putting you and your daughter on a merry-go-round. It isn't because he may not love you, but he is in a fantasyworld with OW and you are sticking around - he doesn't have to make any choices. He is obvious oblivious to losing his job or at least makes it seem that way to you. He is acting the same towards you personally, whether he means it or not. But either way, YOU were hurt, YOU were betrayed. You shouldn't be asking, talking to him and wondering what is going on. You need to find that strength and move on.

 

Personally, if I were you, I would leave him alone. No calls, no stopping to see him, no texts, nothing. If daughter wants to call him, let her do it but don't get on the phone. If he wants to see her, HE can stop outside the house to pick her up. Don't go to his place, don't allow him to come inside and don't talk to him about anything. You need to move on. When he comes over to do his "guilt" jobs, say no thank-you. Tell him older son or a hired person will do those jobs, he doesn't have to help at YOUR house anymore. Don't give him an inch. Don't fall off the wagon in front of him at all. Don't even let him see you anymore. Continue going to work and not say a thing. Look for another job if you think that will help. It is obvious DH, the school, the acting head or anyone else is not working in your interest so YOU need to do it. It is going to be really hard but you need to listen to your daughter and realize what you are doing, is not only making DH not wake up but it is making you feel worse and not allowing you to move forward in your life. You need to jump ship on the "poor me" and hold your head up high for your kids and yourself. Even if you still want to cry alone, the more you put on a positive attitude in front of the kids and at work, the easier it will be to actually feel it in the future.

Good Luck

[Sands_of_time]

Worlybear, I think you need to listen to your daughter. She is obviously someone that is seeing all of this thru both of your eyes. I don't think you are doing yourself or anyone favors, when you keep going over to H's flat and asking him questions. Men in the middle of a fantasy affair can not come to terms with a wife that still wants them around. You need to let go of him, whether you think you want him back or not. I know it sounds harsh but this texting him, going to his flat, asking him questions about OW, is doing nothing but making him annoyed and turned off and it is not allowing you to move forward. All it is doing is putting you and your daughter on a merry-go-round. It isn't because he may not love you, but he is in a fantasyworld with OW and you are sticking around - he doesn't have to make any choices. He is obvious oblivious to losing his job or at least makes it seem that way to you. He is acting the same towards you personally, whether he means it or not. But either way, YOU were hurt, YOU were betrayed. You shouldn't be asking, talking to him and wondering what is going on. You need to find that strength and move on.

 

Personally, if I were you, I would leave him alone. No calls, no stopping to see him, no texts, nothing. If daughter wants to call him, let her do it but don't get on the phone. If he wants to see her, HE can stop outside the house to pick her up. Don't go to his place, don't allow him to come inside and don't talk to him about anything. You need to move on. When he comes over to do his "guilt" jobs, say no thank-you. Tell him older son or a hired person will do those jobs, he doesn't have to help at YOUR house anymore. Don't give him an inch. Don't fall off the wagon in front of him at all. Don't even let him see you anymore. Continue going to work and not say a thing. Look for another job if you think that will help. It is obvious DH, the school, the acting head or anyone else is not working in your interest so YOU need to do it. It is going to be really hard but you need to listen to your daughter and realize what you are doing, is not only making DH not wake up but it is making you feel worse and not allowing you to move forward in your life. You need to jump ship on the "poor me" and hold your head up high for your kids and yourself. Even if you still want to cry alone, the more you put on a positive attitude in front of the kids and at work, the easier it will be to actually feel it in the future.

Good Luck

 

Amen on the above post, TravelGirl. Worley--I feel for you--I really do. Your story is riddled with hurt and if I could steal your pain just for a moment, I would.

 

You asked in an earlier post today, "do things ever get better.." Yes, they do but you have to formulate a plan to get there. The quickest way from point A to point B is a straight line. So, everytime you contact him with a text, phone call, stop by his flat you are zigzagging and it is impeding your healing process.

 

I just wrote out a couple of things that might help you but I'm not sure I know where you want to go.

 

What do YOU want to do? Fight for the marriage or let him go?

[allcriedout2]

i feel as if i am still spiralling down and theres no way up

 

There is a way up Worlybear, it just takes time. Read the posts carefully, there's a lot of sound advice. I did what you're doing, exhausting yourself thinking about your husband, thinking of ways to get him back, finding excuses to talk, text, visit... I made myself ill, laid massive guilt trips on him, plotted, schemed, drank, didn't sleep, started chain smoking, lost two stone, sorry to say it went on for nearly two years. It was a waste of my time.

Your husband is surrounded by fog and nothing, in my opinion, that you do to try to get him back, will lift that fog. Only when he see you strong, indifferent and in control will it dawn on him just what he's losing.

 

Please don't waste all that time and emotional energy, honestly, you need to focus on yourself. You're grieving, you really must look after yourself and get some help. I didn't do either and hence the protracted torture.

One step at a time Worleybear - you can do it.

[worlybear]

thanks for all the advice. H came as arranged to babysit last night. i stayed upstairs until it was time to go out and just offered a brief hello.

When i came back ,just thanked him politely.

H said he was sorry he didn't hear at the door this morning, he was listening to his ipod.

said he'd look after daughter whenever. He is watching her after school when i go for an appointment tonight (for the docs but i didn't tell him that.) Said he was going back to his flat to make tea. i hurried him out quickly. he seemed quite surprised.

i know all the advice about leaving him alone is good ,its just tough to follow it and so i am doing the best i can ,just being civil but dis-interested and using him to look after daughter/give lifts whenever necessary.

he is taking older daughter on another uni interview next week. still no news about his job. i still haven't decided whether to apply for the full time teaching post or not.

[worlybear]

yes , i still want him back to try and put things right with a new relationship. thats just the way i feel.

[Billie63]

yes , i still want him back to try and put things right with a new relationship. thats just the way i feel.

 

And that may still happen. But you have to be shrewd - you have to make him want you.

 

And you can only do that by detatching yourself emotionally from him. Hard to do I know, but especially hard when you're having contact with him.

 

Would it be totally unrealistic to cut off all contact? Could anyone else be there for when he picks up the little one? Does he still have keys to the house?

 

I think what you're doing at the moment, ie minimal contact is great, but is it possible to take it a step further - difficult I know with young kids but is there a way round it?

 

For example, while he's not working would it be practical for your youngest to go and stay with him full time with you seeing her at weekends, making it clear that this is a short term measure to allow her to spend time with her dad - have it put in writing if need be in case of any future custody battles.