devestated

[taylor]

This scenario in the U.S. would look like this:

 

A male elementary school principal has an affair with the female school board member.

 

The most likely outcome would be the principal would be fired and replaced quickly by the vice-principal. The board member would be forced to resign by a vote of the board if she didn't just step down quietly.

 

The school saves face, having done the right thing.

 

In the meantime, staff and community would lend support and empathy to the BS.

 

Worly's situation just seems so bizarre.

 

I especially do not understand the lack of support from fellow teachers...her peers.

 

And I don't believe for one minute her husband is not irreplaceable. There's always some qualified person waiting in the wings to fill the shoes of someone who messes up on the job.

 

If head teachers are that hard to find on the other side of the Pond, I am sure we can ship a few highly qualified teachers from over here who are looking for jobs.

 

I also don't understand how a "principal" and "school board member" can manipulate an entire school...staff, board, and community. No one has that much power.

 

And why is Worly being ostracized? Her position as a qualified teacher at the school should be given higher priority than a TA.

 

Is this all boiling down to some wierd popularity contest?

 

And where is the accountability? Who holds the school accountable for its actions? Who hold the governing board accountable for its actions?

 

Where is the outrage?

[worlybear]

:confused:taylor I really wish the British system was as straightforward as yours. I know from talking to union rep that county are not returning his calls re H and he has just had an answer message to say county have held the investigative meeting.Not only is this bizarre its also illegal as H and union were not even invited! The 3 people within meeting are all known to each other and not impartial and no result reported .Bottom line is that it will need to be held again properly ,so ,yet more delay.

I just want it all sorted out ,its gone on for so long and i am drained by the whole situation.

As was said in a previous post -8 weeks on and no further forward.its like county is playing some kind of game forcing H to resign out of sheer desperation of inactivity. its putting a tremendous strain on me too as it impacts on my life at home and school.

on top of everything else i hate valentines day.

[kinkasaurus-rex]

I am going through the same thing. My husband is STILL having the affair because I "found out" too soon and he hasn't had time to see if it's going anywhere. He's kinda like, "Well, I might as well do the deed if I'm gonna be busted" kinda thing. all I can say is I know what you're going through. Just hang in there. there's alot of good advice on here. take the good with the bad. but that's what relationships are, ya know?

Basically, you just gotta figure out what is right for you and your way of life.

 

sending hugs...

[worlybear]

:bunny:kinkasaurus -rex ,thankyou for posting.I find this website an absolute godsend too.Good luck with your relationship.It is tough.

H took daughter swimming this afternoon. He brought her back to the house but didn't stay as son was here .He was clearly uncomfortable as they haven't spoken since Boxing Day.

H is taking her out again on Tuesday. I did want to talk to him about her school but it wasn't the right time and she just wanted to see her brother so will talk another day.

I wish I could switch my feelings off.Life would be much simpler.

[worlybear]

:(Having a very down day. Now that half term has started i know that work issues won't be resolved this week.

I keep thinking about H apart from the school issue which i have been so focused on. however i look at it ,he's still living away and not making any move to return.

i can't believe that he can shrug off 26 years together.

i know if i talked to him now ,nothing would be resolved because of all the other things happening.

sorry i know nothing can be done ,just feeling low.

[imagine]

Hi Worlybear,

 

I'm a college lecturer in South Africa. We have extremely shoddy ethics in government here today. I thought the British were better equipped.

 

So sorry for your predicament. Sadly, the poor success rate of lovers infidelity affairs gives scant hop[e to you during this time.

 

Continue to expose where possible. Imagine the Sun newspaper querying a headmasters indiscretions?

 

My deep respect to you.

[jwi71]

Worly,

 

Your last post is right - we, or at least I, have been so focused on the practical matters (job, money, life w/o H)...that I overlooked something. Ha! I guess the 195/hr I'm paying to my T hasn't helped me be "more connected" on a personal level. Change is slow to come I guess.

 

Speaking of your H on a personal level...what do YOU want?

I don't think you have filed for D yet...so under what circumstance would you consider reconciliation with him? Is that what you want?

 

Or do you WANT a divorce?

 

What do YOU want on a PERSONAL level?

[worlybear]

I don't want a divorce. If i am really honest ,i would like him to come back and for us to move away from the area.I still love him and want to rebuild a future with him .Even if that sounds stupid,its how i feel.

Try and find jobs somewhere else..I know that it wouldn't be easy but i think that i've had to face such fall-out already that it would be worth a try. i'm not stupid ,i know that it would be ,effectively a new relationship with him and of course ,he would have to make the decision to return.

I know that he dislikes our current home intensely and it has become a focus of despair for me, so i will be putting the house on the market whatever happens.

After such a long time together i can't believe that our relationship is irretrievable,we have such a lot of shared history together and of course,our kids.

i think that whilst he is being paid for not working and hiding in the flat ,he is not living in the reality of the situation. He has not had to face anybody or anything. Seeing how unhappy younger daughter is and her comment about why she has to move schools and not ow and her kid ,has shaken him.

I just hope that some work decisions are made soon.

Seeing his son yesterday made him feel very uncomfortable, i could see that from his attitude.

He is a proud person and never admits he is in the wrong so i know that it would be very difficult for him to come back even if he wanted to, but ,for the moment, i just hold on and hope that it will come right.

i know that people will think i'm stupid but i can't deny whats in my heart.

re ow ,i hope its just a mid life crisis. she is a social climber so he may not be so attractive if he is jobless.she won't be able to help him with eco schools if he no longer has a school.

What i hope is that he gets an agreed reference and a move to another school and area.

its the only way i can get through each day .i want to have a future with him,not without him.

[anne1707]

Do you know whether he is still seeing the OW? Or if he is, how serious it is? (tough questions but relevant - sorry)

[worlybear]

As far as i know he is still seeing her ,but not very often. (i know this because he is constantly picking up older daughter during weekend evenings.) he says he doesn't want to move in with her or her family.

she flatters him and he admits he doesn't like himself very much.

When asked he says he likes her but he's no plans for the future and is living each day as it comes ,hanging on by his fingertips.

His dream is to buy a camper van and drive away ,by himself, into the sunset- not a realistic option at all.

When i asked him did you realise the fallout when this became public knowledge ,he really hadn't considered it. Would he have done it? no,but his stance is that he may as well still see her now that its known.

I don't know if it is serious or just circumstancial- i do know she is a poisonous person with no conscience or morals.

[anne1707]

He really does seem to be totally oblivious then - either that or burying his head in the sand because he is so scared of the mess he has created and the subsequent fall out.

 

At the moment I don't think he is capable of making a decision that you could rely on. Whilst you may still want him back, you need to carry on in getting control of your life for yourself and your family. Get your job sorted, decide which school to send your daughter to, sell your house if need be.

 

If your H does not ask if you will take him back, at least you are moving on with your life. However he may also realise what he is missing if he sees you coping without him. As you say, he may now see the OW for what she really is - an affair is nothing like a real relationship.

 

Keep cool and calm - don't bring the kids in to your arguments. Whatever you do, hold on to your dignity. You have shown such strength over the last few months.

[worlybear]

Thankyou Anne.Your posts really help.

[travelgirl]

Worlybear,

 

I think it is time for you and your H to go to marriage counseling. Not to get back together per say but many couples go to a marriage counselor to sort feelings out, in the open with a 3rd party and move on with or without each other. This is in the best interest for your children. The fact that it has been 2 months and not much has changed is not a good sign. It is bad for everyone. Status Quo is NOT a good thing for kids. I feel like you let it stay this way because you are afraid to put your foot down and make ultimatums because you are afraid the outcome might be that he will never come back. And that you almost rather live this way then move forward without him. This gives your H leverage to do as he pleases and walk all over you. There is no respect or fear of losing you on his part. He won't come home, he won't make any decisions. He doesn't need to.

 

The fact that he says he wants to drive away alone, had this affair, doesn't seem concerned with the fallout and locks himself in his apartment with his Ipod - all points to signs of depression and mid life crisis. He will never admit to this and probably feels he has dug a hole to deep to get out of. The problem is, you are not helping him by letting him remain this way. Someone in this type of fog needs help and if you aren't going to put your foot down, then at least offer counseling.

 

Can you ask him to consider joint counseling (don't say marriage counseling) to resolve underlying issues and move forward for the sake of your children? Don't make it seem like you want to get back together but tell him you both need to open up with a 3rd party and come to terms with what the future will be. How to raise the kids apart and what is best for everyone involved. I think this will be beneficial to both of you, even if you don't end up together in the end. It will give you a chance to see what each other is going thru and maybe respect each other a little more and stop all the games, wondering and closed-off attitudes that are hurt everyone involved.

[signedin2008]

His affair is not going to last. Eventually, he is going to wake up from this fantasy. It maybe in two weeks, two month, or two years, but it will happen.

[wuggle]

Even if that sounds stupid,its how i feel.

 

Just wanted to say that it isn't stupid, completely the opposite. Stupid is still loving him but lying and pretending you don't. Whatever happens stay true to yourself and good luck.

[anne1707]

Worlybear

 

Am I right in thinking you had some Relate sessions booked? Maybe I am wrong. However what has been suggested may be a way forward. Try to reason with him that their approach is not about making a couple stay together but about helping then reach an outcome whether that be together or not.

 

If you do this, make sure you get a counsellor who you feel comfortable with. Relate should offer alternatives if needed.

[worlybear]

Have got sessions booked but I don't think he would agree to go with me at the moment. I am finding counselling quite helpful ,but of course theres so much happening in my life that I've only just started to focus on relationship with H.

Saw him briefly today when he came to see younger daughter, then I went out.Told him to text when he wants to see her as we are busy this week.

Had a cr** weekend so I decided I would try and be very offhand. If I do it often enough I might convince myself.

[anne1707]

Had a cr** weekend so I decided I would try and be very offhand. If I do it often enough I might convince myself.

 

At some of the worst times I have experienced over the last 8 months or so, I have done something like this where I have tried to "force" myself in to not thinking about something, whether telling myself to stop it, doing complex mental arithmatic, whatever it takes to break a train of thought or convince myself that "all is well". After a while it becomes easier and actually starts to work. I now find that I don't have to stop these unwanted thoughts as they are not there. So yes, it might seem impossible now but it can work.

[jwi71]

Worly,

 

I'm a big fan of open and honest communication.

 

Might I suggest this:

 

Take your H to a nice private dinner. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel, how the situation has affected you and the family. Tell him what you want. Tell him you DO want him back - but under the following conditions. Lay out your conditions whatever they may be. Ask him how you need to change and improve. Tell him how needs to improve.

 

This does two things:

1) If he accepts then it is a chance to begin recovery, to get your H back.

2) If he refuses, then you know. No doubts. No what-ifs. No maybes. You tried, you offered and HE refused. It leaves zero doubt as to whether or not you file for D due to his adultery.

 

Best wishes for you worly...

[worlybear]

I'm not brave enough to sit down and discuss the future in case it pushes him away further and because I know how everything is up in the air with his job,I don't think I would get a decision as he would just say he's waiting to see what happens with his work.

Have decided to move daughter to new school and have been signed off from the doc until end of Feb. I feel bad because I feel that I have been pushed out and given up ,but I can't face working alongside ow anymore,its making me ill. Acting Head has been v.spiteful towards daughter and I know daughter is better off in a different school. I feel very guilty though even though the whole situation is H's fault. It must be a mum thing. Not a great day today.

[cherrymoon]

You may feel like you have given up or that you let them win.

Well you haven't infact you have done the best thing. You have done what is right for you.

I did just that, I left H too it, I got out of his way. I realised I was more important than the fight and yes it wasn't what I wanted to do but I knew if I didn't my sanity would suffer.

 

I focused on me. I got so strong I was able to face the day.The newness of it all became a positive.

I was no longer afraid of what the day would bring. What I would hear or what I would see. I wasn't afraid of bumping in to H and her I was ok.

I was out of the hot zone and suddenly I just stopped being so full of anxiety, I still hurt but it was not unbearable and I saw things clearly and we managed to fix ourselves and reconcile our marriage.

 

You know with you not around he will become less attractive to her and you will become way more attractive to him.

 

My H and his GF lasted about 4/6 weeks after I left. Yet when I was there begging him to come home he was living with her and telling me she was the one. He now had potential and he was happy and he didn't love me anymore.

 

I think this is the best thing you could do FOR you. Accept for now your marriage is over, pull your kids in close and heal yourself.

Grieve and learn about yourself. I promise no matter what happens this will have a positive effect on who you are if you let it .

 

You will be shocked at just how amazing you are. Book yourself in for a haircut and get a new look, get some clothes have lunch out and really really discover all that you had forgotten.

I had forgotten how much I love walking in the country, how much I enjoyed dancing, music, food. How liberating a glass of wine in the garden at night on your own is.

I think like an individual, something we forget as wives and mothers.

 

Be kind to yourself and ask your daughter to trust you and remind her that her daddy loves her. Let her ring him every night. Greet the day with a smile and the night with your tears if you have too.

I always looked to the world if Iwas skipping with happiness and in truth my pillow was soaked most nights.

 

Life goes on.

Also fixing your marriage is a lot harder than i ever imagined so you need to be 100% mentally and physically perfect if that is to ever happen as you wish it to.

[taylor]

Acting Head has been v.spiteful towards daughter

 

Again, this makes no sense. Why would an educator be spiteful toward a child?

 

A husband and wife work together at a school. The husband has an affair with another employee at the school. The wife is the one ostracized by her peers and those in authoritative position. The couple's child is given a hard time. The OW carries on. The husband hangs in limbo.

 

The wife and child are "paying" for the affair, not the two who had the affair.

 

Can't wrap my head around this mindset.

 

Is there some kind of sick, off-the-wall thinking in that school that perhaps your husband was entitled to the affair...that men are entitled to affairs if they aren't happy at home...that the OW is looked upon as a "saving grace", having brought some happiness into this man's life....that the wife is looked upon negatively because she treated the husband so badly that he "had" to go have an affair to find some happiness.???????

 

What ARE these people thinking??

 

Again, just can't understand the reasoning/logic behind the way things are unfolding here.

[taylor]

You may feel like you have given up or that you let them win.

Well you haven't infact you have done the best thing. You have done what is right for you.

 

I agree with cherrymoon, here. You have done what is in your best interest and by doing that, YOU WIN.

 

This school you work at, by virtue of their actions, has proven they are not worthy of your time or your talent.

 

And, I don't mean to be harsh, but your husband, by virtue of his actions, has also proven he is not worthy of you..your love...your devotion.

 

I know you still love your husband, but you should love yourself more.

 

I would seriously consider packing up and walking away from him and the stinking cesspool he created. Out with the old, in with the new. You have an opportunity here to create a whole new life for yourself and your little girl. Walk away, don't look back, and take a breath of fresh air.

 

Worly, the longer you stay in this situation, responding to every twist and turn it takes, the more it will erode your self-esteem. Take charge of your life. Don't let it be ruled by others.

 

 

You know with you not around he will become less attractive to her and you will become way more attractive to him.

 

But the question is: How attractive is your husband to you? Do you really want him back after what he has done and continues to do? Do you want a man that will love you 100 percent like you deserve? Can he EVER be that man to you?

 

It's not whether you are good enough for him...it's whether he is good enough for you. Focus on that.

 

I don't know where all the other posters are on this forum, like Dexter, who would be shouting from the rooftops, "Why would you want a cheater back?"

 

Your husband has made no attempt to return home, to recommit to you, to make up for his transgression, to win you back. Every day he is telling you how UNcommitted he is. Do you really want to love a person like that? You deserve so much better, Worly.

 

 

Accept for now your marriage is over, pull your kids in close and heal yourself.

 

I agree with cherrymoon here, too. Accept that the marriage you had with this man died the day he entered an affair. You will never get that back. He threw it away. It's easy for me to say let go...so very difficult to do...a monumental, agonizing effort. But, IMO, it is in your best interests.

 

It is easy to see the love and devotion you have for your husband. Even though he hurt you in the worst way possible..even though he has done little to support you or stand by your side through all of this...you continue to show him unwavering love and devotion. But it is so one-sided.

 

You deserve so much more.

[jwi71]

I'm not brave enough to sit down and discuss the future in case it pushes him away further and because I know how everything is up in the air with his job,I don't think I would get a decision as he would just say he's waiting to see what happens with his work.

Have decided to move daughter to new school and have been signed off from the doc until end of Feb. I feel bad because I feel that I have been pushed out and given up ,but I can't face working alongside ow anymore,its making me ill. Acting Head has been v.spiteful towards daughter and I know daughter is better off in a different school. I feel very guilty though even though the whole situation is H's fault. It must be a mum thing. Not a great day today.

 

 

Worly, the conversation is for YOU. Your benefit. Not his. You still sit and wonder and pine and hope your H comes home. That you rebuild. And you wait. You really don't move forward in your life.

 

You're stuck. Stuck between letting go and holding on - each frightening. Each hard. And that fear, as it pertains to YOUR life, holds you still. Paralyzed.

 

Time to get moving. Time to live. Time to move forward. And its hard because you don't know to move forward towards reconciliation or towards divorce.

 

So, time to take a risk. One that may potentially (perhaps even likely) will deeply hurt you - for now. Time to open up and expose yourself. Yes it also exposes you to more pain. But it gives YOU direction. So sit and talk and tell him your FEELINGS.

 

If he accepts, then move forward with what YOU need to move forward.

If he declines, you know. You TRIED. You REACHED OUT. And HE, not you refused. You can go to bed knowing YOU made the effort. Really, what more can you do?

 

ACT. LIVE.

 

Get busy living or get busy dying.

[taylor]

I'm not brave enough to sit down and discuss the future in case it pushes him away further and because I know how everything is up in the air with his job,I don't think I would get a decision as he would just say he's waiting to see what happens with his work.

 

TravelGirl hit the nail on the head with post #264, then. Fear is what keeps you in the situation you are in.

 

And to use THE JOB as an excuse to do nothing with regard to the marriage is just that, an excuse..a justification to do nothing.Your husband's job situation has nothing to do with working on your marriage. He's either going to keep the job or lose it. But that has no bearing on his ability to decide right here and now whether or not he loves you. Nor does it play any role whatsoever in whether he wants to recommit to the marriage or divorce.

 

His job is up in the air. But so is your marriage. Why should the marriage take a backseat to the job?

 

If you and your husband BOTH had the desire to save the marriage, you would be in counseling in a heartbeat..NOW.. regardless of the job situation. What better time? He has all the free time in the world right now, sitting in his apartment.

 

I think you are afraid to ask him to go to counseling because you already know the answer.

 

If I were you, Worly, I would start by going to IC. You have had alot happen to you in a short period of time. There's alot to process. A counselor can help you see things better.

 

IMO, if your husband wants to recommit...save the marriage...then let him come to you and tell you he wants to work it out. He already knows where you stand. You have done enough.